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John Wayne, Tonto, Grand Moff Tarkin, smart squirrels, Rhinestone Cowboy, and, of course, Covid-19
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Published Tuesday, May 26, 2020 @ 12:00 AM EDT
May 26 2020

Today is Tuesday, May 26, the 147th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 219 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is National Blueberry Cheesecake Day, National Cherry Dessert Day, National Paper Airplane Day, Sally Ride Day, World Dracula Day, World Lindy Hop Day, and World Redhead Day.

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Rmembering John Wayne (born Marion Robert Morrison; May 26, 1907 - June 11, 1979) (Video)

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Remembering Jay Silverheels (born Harold Jay Smith, May 26, 1912 - March 5, 1980) (Video)

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Remembering Peter Cushing (May 26, 1913 - August 11, 1994) (Video)

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The video you must watch today. A little over 21 minutes, but worth it. (Video)

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Stevie Nicks is 72 today; Pam Grier is 71 today; Bobcat Goldwaith is 58 today; Helena Bonham Carter is 54 today.

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Glen Campbell's recording of Rhinestone Cowboy was released on this day in 1975. (Video)

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China's 'Bat Woman' warns coronavirus is just tip of the iceberg. Shi Zhengli, a virologist renowned for her work on coronavirus in bats, said in an interview on Chinese state television that viruses being discovered now are "just the tip of the iceberg" and called for international cooperation in the fight against epidemics.

Related: Nobel laureates and science groups demand NIH review decision to kill coronavirus grant.

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First human trial of possible COVID-19 vaccine triggers rapid immune response, few side-effects. But... the ability to trigger these immune responses does not necessarily indicate that the vaccine will protect humans from COVID-19.

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Desperate rats are brazenly searching for food during the coronavirus pandemic, CDC warns. "They're mammals just like you and I, and so when you're really, really hungry, you're not going to act the same. You're going to act very bad, usually," Bobby Corrigan, an urban rodentologist, told NBC News.

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"The new normal." On weekend dedicated to war dead, Trump tweets insults, promotes baseless claims and plays golf.

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WHO pauses trial of hydroxychloroquine as coronavirus treatment amid safety concerns.

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Scientists warn against high doses of vitamin D supplementation for preventing or treating COVID-19. Examining previous studies in this field scientists found no evidence of a link between high dose supplementation of vitamin D in helping to prevent or successfully treat Covid-19 and cautioned against over supplementation of the vitamin, without medical supervision, due to health risks.

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What happens when your health care system is based on making a profit: At a time when medical professionals are putting their lives at risk, tens of thousands of doctors in the United States are taking large pay cuts.

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Wealthiest hospitals got billions in bailout intended for struggling health providers. Seattle-based Providence Health System, one of the country's largest and richest hospital chains is sitting on nearly $12 billion in cash, which it invests, Wall Street-style, in a good year generating more than $1 billion in profits. And this spring, Providence received at least $509 million in government funds, one of many wealthy beneficiaries of a federal program that is supposed to prevent health care providers from capsizing during the coronavirus pandemic.

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Hot dogs sales skyrocket by more than 120% during the coronavirus pandemic, as Americans embrace the 'best quarantine food.' The question no one is asking: Which will kill you first?

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Borowitz:

Fauci urges Trump to remain on golf course until pandemic is over.

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Trump says Republican National Convention might move from Charlotte if the state doesn't relax is coronavirus rules... but no other city wanted to host it. An article published by New York Magazine's Intelligencer blog laid out the GOP's struggle with the headline: "GOP Awards Its 2020 Convention to the Only City That Sorta Kinda Wanted It."

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Trump sees a 'rigged election' ahead. Democrats see a constitutional crisis in the making. The president’s increasingly amped-up rhetoric surrounding the integrity of the November elections has many wondering how he might respond to a defeat.

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China warns U.S. taking world to brink of 'new Cold War' over coronavirus. The ratcheting up of tensions comes as Beijing is hounded by questions over alleged missteps in its initial response to contain the virus.

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SpaceX is about to launch two astronauts into space in a historic first. NASA's Commercial Crew program, aimed at developing private spacecraft to transport American astronauts in to space, began under Barack Obama.

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Want to buy a used car? Rental car companies are offering up some good deals. All of the major car rental companies- Hertz, Enterprise, Alamo Avis, Budget and others- list their used rental cars for sale on their web sites. Shoppers can search inventories and test drives are usually much more generous than you'll find at typical used car dealers.

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Microsoft confirms new Windows 10 update warning The problem, once again, is KB4556799, a recent Windows 10 update pushed to millions of PCs which has already caused numerous issues, including Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) crashes, deleted user data, performance issues, broken audio and more. Microsoft is investigating these problems, but the company has now also confirmed on the official KB4556799 update page that it can break Internet connections as well.

 




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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Bobcat Goldwaith, CDC, Covid-19, Donald Trump, Glen Campbell, Health, Helena Bonham Carter, Jay Silverheels, John Wayne, Microsoft, Pam Grier, Peter Cushing, Rhinestone Cowboy, SpaceX, Squirrels, Stevie Nicks, Twitter, Video, Windows, YouTube


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Mr. T, Star Wars, Newhart, CDC muzzled, NASA chief quits, Chuck E. Cheese cheats, Distraction!
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Published Thursday, May 21, 2020 @ 12:00 AM EDT
May 21 2020

Note: KGB Report will return on Tuesday, May 26. The Memorial Day weekend is when we traditionally clean up, reconfigure, and re-wire the office. And it's been a tough year...

Today is Tuesday, May 21st, the 142nd day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 224 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is American Red Cross Founder's Day, Ascension, Brown Bag It Thursday, Global Accessibility Awareness Day, Hummus Day, I Need a Patch for That Day, National Apéritif Day, National Memo Day, National Notebook Day, National Strawberries and Cream Day, National Waiters and Waitresses Day, Rapture Party Day, Sister Maria Hummel Day, and World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development.

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Mr. T is 68 today. (Video)

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On this day in 1980, The Empire Strikes Back was released. (Video)

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The last episode of Newhart aired on this day in 1990. (Video)

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'We've been muzzled': CDC sources say White House putting politics ahead of science.

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GOP fronts 'pro-Trump' doctors to prescribe rapid reopening.

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Two dam breaches in central Michigan force mass evacuations. (Video)

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Uh oh. Study shows 70% of consumers would rather watch new movies at home. 13% say they are more likely to watch at a local cinema (with 17% not sure).

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Trump threatens to withhold aid to two states over expanded voting by mail. President Trump on Wednesday threatened to halt federal funding to Michigan and Nevada over the distribution of absentee ballots in those states amid the ongoing coronavirus outbreak that has left more than 90,000 Americans dead.

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NASA's head of human spaceflight abruptly resigns, citing 'mistake'. The source familiar with the reason for Loverro's departure said the issue centered on contracts that were awarded earlier this year for development of lunar landers, or vehicles that can carry astronauts to the moon's surface.

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Trump announces executive order 'suspending' regulations impeding US economy. The order is about "instructing federal agencies to use any and all authority to waive, suspend and eliminate unnecessary regulations that impede economic recovery," Mr Trump said before signing it with a large black felt pen.

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Windows 10 warning: anger at Microsoft rises with serious new failure. Microsoft’s new KB4556799 Windows 10 update is causing a myriad of problems for users, including Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) crashes, deleted data, performance issues, broken audio and more. And users are not happy.

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Will government mandate COVID-19 vaccinations? The Congressional Research Service says the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that "The states' general police power to promote public health and safety encompasses the authority to require mandatory vaccinations."" And states have all exercised that authority for children, usually allowing for some exceptions. CRS also says, "Congress, as a result of various enumerated powers in the Constitution, likewise has some authority over public health matters, including regulation of vaccination."

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Chuck E. Cheese tricks Grubhub customers with sneaky new name.

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Borowitz:

Trump Fears Painting of Obama at White House would spy on him.

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Thoughts of the day:

Any government which made the welfare of men depend on the character of their governors was an illusion.
-Daniel J. Boorstin

The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting.
-Charles Bukowski

I try to avoid experience if I can. Most experience is bad.
-E.L. Doctorow

All scientifically possible technology and social change predicted in science fiction will come to pass, but none of it will work properly.
-Neil Gaiman

You have more to do than you can possibly do. You just need to feel good about your choices.
-David Allen

Distraction! (Video)




Things are really rough out there.
Please consider donating to Feeding America
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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Bob Newhart, CDC, Chuck E. Cheese, Covid-19, Donald Trump, Microsoft, Mr. T, NASA, Star Wars, Vaccines, Windows


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Jimmy Stewart, Cher, parallel universe, Batwoman, TMI in general
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Published Wednesday, May 20, 2020 @ 12:48 AM EDT
May 20 2020

Today is Tuesday, May 20th, the 141st day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 225 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is Be a Millionaire Day, Eliza Doolittle Day, Emergency Medical Services for Children Day, Flower Day, International Clinical Trials Day, National Quiche Lorraine Day, National Rescue Dog Day, Pick Strawberries Day, Turn Beauty Inside Out Day, World Autoimmune Arthritis Day, and World Bee Day.

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Remembering James "Jimmy" Stewart (May 20, 1908 - July 2, 1997) (Video)

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Remembering George Gobel (May 20, 1919 - February 24, 1991) (Video)

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Cher is 74 today.

(Video) Click here for a collection of quotes by Cher.

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Scientists in China believe new drug can stop pandemic 'without vaccine'. The drug uses neutralising antibodies- produced by the human immune system to prevent the virus infecting cells... isolated from the blood of 60 recovered patients.

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'Hard stop': States could lose National Guard virus workers. The Trump administration’s order ends deployments on June 24, just one day before thousands would qualify for education and retirement benefits.

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NASA scientists detect evidence of parallel universe where time runs backward. Maybe we can run it back to, say, 2016?

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Coronoavirus, murder hornets... what's next? 17-year cicadas to emerge in 3 states this spring, summer. Also... Rabbits are facing a deadly virus of their own. And this: The coronavirus pandemic could indirectly cause measles outbreaks, CDC warns.

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Trip of a lifetime with no end in sight- life on small boats stuck at sea. Thanks to quarantine orders, small recreational boaters are stuck where they are.

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Bicycle sales surge as Americans seek to avoid mass transit and get exercise.

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How a pizza shop owner reportedly turned DoorDash's own fee structure against it.

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Florida man who downplayed coronavirus as 'fake crisis' gets infected, warns others after ending up in ICU with wife.

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The scientist who created Florida's COVID-19 data portal wasn't just removed from her position on May 5, she was fired on Monday by the Department of Health, she said, for refusing to manipulate data.

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The pandemic is not all bad for all businesses... As coronavirus crushes small restaurants, big chains see room to move in.

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Batwoman bails. In a major surprise, Ruby Rose has departed the lead role on The CW's Batwoman after a single season. Producer Warner Bros. TV says the role will be recast.

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If you wash berries in salt water, little bugs will start to crawl out. At least they're not murder hornets.

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Borowitz:

New test indicates hydroxychloroquine causes delusions.
Trump orders Pence to start picking up Pompeo's laundry.

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Thoughts of the day:

"...the new Space Force flag... they clearly ripped off from Star Trek. Star Trek is a CBS property sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to cease and desist your copyright infringement or, at the very least, remove the tribble from your head."
-Stephen Colbert

"When a new baby laughs for the first time a new fairy is born, and as there are always new babies there are always new fairies. "
-J.M. Barrie

"Disease can never be conquered, can never be quelled by emotion's wailful screaming or faith's cymballic prayer. It can only be conquered by the energy of humanity and the cunning in the mind of man. In the patience of a Curie, in the enlightenment of a Faraday, a Rutherford, a Pasteur, a Nightingale, and all other apostles of light and cleanliness, rather than of a woebegone godliness, we shall find final deliverance from plague, pestilence, and famine."
-Sean O'Casey

"Nationalism is an infantile disease, the measles of mankind."
-Albert Einstein

"Physicians pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into humans of which they know nothing."
-Voltaire (François Marie Arouet

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Things are really rough out there.
Please consider donating to Feeding America
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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Animals, Batwoman, Cher, Covid-19, George Gobel, James Stewart, Jimmy Stewart


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Star Trek, Space Force, Marilyn, Mount St. Helens, NASA says don't worry...
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Published Monday, May 18, 2020 @ 12:31 AM EDT
May 18 2020

Today is Monday, May 18, the 139th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 227 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is HIV Vaccine Awareness Day, I Love Reese's® Day, International Museum Day, Mother Whistler Day. National Cheese Soufflé Day, National No Dirty Dishes Day, National Visit Your Relatives Day, Send an Electronic Greeting Card Day, and World AIDS Vaccine Day.

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Supreme Court debacle: On this date in 1896, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Plessy v. Ferguson that the "separate but equal" doctrine was constitutional.

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On this date in 1933 as part of the New Deal, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the act creating the Tennessee Valley Authority, a federally owned corporation created by congressional charter to provide navigation, flood control, electricity generation, fertilizer manufacturing, and economic development to the Tennessee Valley, a region particularly affected by the Great Depression.

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On this day 70 years ago, St. Louis Cardinals third baseman Tommy Glaviano made errors on three consecutive grounders in the bottom of the ninth, allowing the Brooklyn Dodgers a 9-8 victory. At least he could tell himself it wasn't, you know, something people would remember two decades into the next century or anything

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On this day in 1962, A birthday salute to U.S. President John F. Kennedy took place at Madison Square Garden, New York City. The highlight was Marilyn Monroe's rendition of "Happy Birthday." (Video)

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Tina Fey is 50 today. Click here for quotes by Tina Fey.

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On this date in 1980, Mount St. Helens in Washington state erupted, directly killing 57 people and releasing thermal energy equivalent to 26 megatons of TNT, over 1,700 times larger than the bomb dropped on Hiroshima, Japan in 1945. (Video)

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Ever listen to Trump ramble and wonder what he was asked about in the first place? Now it's a game you can play at home! From The Daily Show. (Video)

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This just about sums it up... (Video)

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Inside Trump's coronavirus meltdown. Again and again, the story that emerged is of a president who ignored increasingly urgent intelligence warnings from January, dismisses anyone who claims to know more than him and trusts no one outside a tiny coterie, led by his daughter Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner- the property developer who Trump has empowered to sideline the best-funded disaster response bureaucracy in the world. "It is as though we knew for a fact that 9/11 was going to happen for months, did nothing to prepare for it and then shrugged a few days later and said, 'Oh well, there's not much we can do about it,'" says Gregg Gonsalves, a public health scholar at Yale University. "Trump could have prevented mass deaths and he didn't."

Meanwhile, on Earth 2: Eric Trump accuses Democrats of "milking" coronavirus lockdowns to win the election.

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Borowitz: Trump says nation will have vaccine before it sees his taxes.

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Obama openly criticizes Trump administration's coronavirus response. (Video)

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'A lot to be hopeful for': Crisis seen as historic, not another Great Depression.

Related: Drastic makeover looms for world's most followed stock index. "The S&P committee is going to have to decide how long they want to wait before ditching COVID-damaged companies..."

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As cable TV fades, fearing 'the end of Comedy Central.' The network that made the careers of Dave Chappelle, Stephen Colbert and Amy Schumer has laid off top executives while looking to make shows that are cheaper to produce.

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Space Force launches robotic X-37B space plane on new mystery mission. While the X-37B's exact purpose is a secret, Space Force officials have revealed that the craft is packing numerous experiments on this trip to test out different systems in space. Some of those experiments include a small satellite called FalconSat-8, two NASA payloads designed to study the effects of radiation on different materials as well as seeds to grow food, and a power-beaming experiment using microwave energy. (story includes video)

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ViacomCBS, which owns Paramount and the Star Trek® franchise, should sue Trump for using the phrase "warp speed" for the vaccination projects and the delta shield emblem as the core of its Space Force logo. Not for intellectual property violations, but for damaging the value of its brand via association with a malignant miscreant.

And speaking of Star Trek, seven years ago today my wife and I saw "Star Trek: Into Darkness," by far the worst Star Trek film ever made.

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Meteor caught on doorbell camera. A Summerville, SC family caught a meteor entering Earth's atmosphere on their doorbell video camera early Thursday morning. The video, provided by the Giltner family, was taken around 12:42 a.m. (video)

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Trump 'spiritual adviser' Paula White imitates queen bee dance to declare end to the coronavirus pandemic.

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Expert's COVID-19 swimming pool study: chlorine no safety guarantee, high-level controls the way back to the water.

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Here's what a solar minimum is and why NASA says it's nothing to worry about. Some say the current cycle could be a repeat of the Dalton Minimum, which was one of the most extreme weather periods in history. The Dalton minimum was a period that lasted over three solar cycles from 1790-1830 and resulted in heavy snows, deep frost and general cooling around the globe. NASA scientists say there's no mini ice age on the horizon, because planetary warming due to climate change will offset the cycle. There. Feel better?

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Offered without comment: (Video)

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Thoughts of the day:

Among the rich you will never find a really generous man even by accident. They may give their money away, but they will never give themselves away; they are egotistic, secretive, dry as old bones. To be smart enough to get all that money you must be dull enough to want it.
-G.K. Chesterton

The written word will soon disappear and we'll no longer be able to read good prose like we used to could. This prospect does not gentle my thoughts or tranquil me toward the future.
-James Thurber

There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate.
-Barack Obama

We can usually recognize the consequence of our actions. It is the consequence of our inaction that gets confused with the inevitable.
-Robert Brault

The more you know, the sadder you get.
-Stephen Colbert

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I'm a sucker for rescue dogs to begin with, but this sweetheart tore my heart out. Thank goodness she found a loving home with a great mom dedicated to caring for special needs dogs. (Video)



Things are really rough out there.
Please consider donating to Feeding America
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Categories: Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Climate change, Comedy Central, Covid-19, Daily Show, Donald Trump, Eric Trump, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Meteors, Mount St. Helens, NASA, New Deal, Paula White, Rudy Giuliani, SCOTUS, Space Force, Star Trek, Supreme Court, Tennessee Valley Authority, The Sun, Tina Fey, Tommy Glaviano, Video, YouTube


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Florence Nightingale, George Carlin, Colin Powell, Katharine Hepburn, Yogi Berra and more...
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Published Tuesday, May 12, 2020 @ 12:00 AM EDT
May 12 2020

Today is Tuesday, May 12, the 133rd day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 233 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is International Awareness Day, International Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day, International Nurses' Day, Lag B'omer, Limerick Day, National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day, National Nutty Fudge Day, Odometer Day, and Sex Differences in Health Awareness Day.

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Remembering Florence Nightingale (May 12, 1820 - August 13, 1910), British social reformer and statistician, and the founder of modern nursing.

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Remembering Katharine Hepburn (May 12, 1907 - June 29, 2003) a leading lady in Hollywood for more than 60 years. She appeared in a range of genres, from screwball comedy to literary drama, and she received a record (for any gender) four Academy Awards for Lead Acting Performances, plus eight further nominations. In 1999, Hepburn was named by the American Film Institute the greatest female star of Classic Hollywood Cinema. She was known for her fierce independence and spirited personality. (Video)

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Remembering Yogi Berra (May 12, 1925 - September 22, 2015), legendary baseball catcher and manager, perhaps best remembered for his "Yogi-isms".

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Burt Bacharach is 92 today. (video)

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Remembering Tom Snyder (May 12, 1936 - July 29, 2007) (Video)

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Remembering the great comedian and social philosopher George Carlin (May 12, 1937 - June 22,  2008). (Video)

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Actor Ving Rhames is 61 today. (video)

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Remembering Jerry Stiller (June 8, 1927 - May 11, 2020) (video)

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Thoughts of the day:

The damage done in one year can sometimes take ten or twenty years to repair.
-Chinua Achebe

We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
-Bill Hicks

The point is that if you are a little different, or a little outrageous, or if you do things that are bold or controversial, the press is going to write about you.
-Donald Trump

In government the sin of pride manifests itself in the recurring delusion that things are under control.
-George F. Will

Some people are so sensitive that they feel snubbed if an epidemic overlooks them.
-Frank McKinney (Kin) Hubbard

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The stakes of Trump's tax return case couldn't be higher. The dispute over Trump's tax returns has been politically heated but, legally, this should be an easy call for the court. Trump has fought to the bitter end, though ultimately the law should give him no refuge: the tax returns must go to Congress, and even as a sitting president, he cannot be immune from investigation by prosecutors. You can listen to the arguments today at 10 a.m. on most cable news stations.

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Maddow: Trump is 'visibly struggling' and can't 'keep it together' right now. "Whether or not you like the president or not, whether you enjoy his public affect or not on a regular basis, it is clear that there is something wrong. And that's important whenever the president of the United States is visibly unwound like that."

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Susan Collins to self-quarantine to avoid possible contact with decisions. (Borowitz)

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Americans' views of the news media during the covid-19 outbreak. Even in crisis, Republicans and Democrats remain starkly divided in their attitudes toward journalists. Personal reality apparently isn't as effective as is thought.

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The Risks - Know Them - Avoid Them. This is an impressively clear explanation of how the virus often spreads inside confined spaces, like restaurants, churches, workplaces and schools. Even when people remain more than six feet apart, they can become infected by breathing the same air as an infected person for an extended period of time... Those scenarios are more worrisome than a quick trip to the grocery store or almost any outdoor activity.

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Senate Republicans break with Trump over 'Obamagate. President Donald Trump's aggressive campaign to encourage sweeping investigations of his predecessor Barack Obama met a unanimous response from Senate Republicans: No thanks.

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How pandemics end. An infectious outbreak can conclude in more ways than one, historians say. But for whom does it end, and who gets to decide?

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Trump storms out Of Coronavirus briefing after female reporters challenge him. Go easy on him, ladies. He has small hands.

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Will there be a second round of coronavirus stimulus checks?

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The Glove Challenge- People are wearing disposable gloves to protect themselves from the coronavirus, but who will protect the oceans and waterways from the gloves that get tossed on the ground?

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More than 1,900 former Justice Dept. employees again call for Barr's resignation, asserting in an open letter he had “once again assaulted the rule of law” by moving to drop the case against President Trump's former national security adviser Michael Flynn.

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CEOs were asked to remove their masks before meeting with Pence in Iowa. This took place only a few hours after Katie Miller, Pence's press secretary, tested positive for COVID-19.

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Things are really rough out there. Please consider donating to Feeding America.


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Burt Bacharach, Colin Powell, Covid-19, Dick Cavett, Donald Trump, Florence Nightingale, George Carlin, Jerry Stiller, Katharine Hepburn, Michael Flynn, Susan Collins, Tom Snyder, Ving Rhames, William Barr, Yogi Berra


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Just another Wednesday...
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Published Wednesday, May 06, 2020 @ 12:00 AM EDT
May 06 2020

Today is May 6, is the 127th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 239 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is Bike To School Day, Great American Grump Out, International No Diet Day, Joseph Brackett Day, National Anxiety Disorders Screening Day, National Beverage Day, National Crêpe Suzette Day, National Nurses Day, National School Nurse Day, National Tourist Appreciation Day, No Homework Day, Occupational Safety and Health Professional Day.

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As a maskless Trump tours an Arizona plant making face masks, someone plays "Live and Let Die" over the PA system...

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Remembering Orson Welles (May 6, 1915 – October 10, 1985):

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On this day in 1937, the German zeppelin Hindenburg burst into flames and crashed while attempting to dock with its mooring mast at Naval Air Station Lakehurst in New Jersey. 36 persons were killed, including one on the ground.

Trivia: The Hindenburg was supposed to be filled with helium instead of flammable hydrogen, but the sole source of helium, the United States, refused to sell it to Germany. Although abundant in the universe, helium is very scarce on Earth. The only commercially viable reserves are a few natural gas wells, mostly in the US, that trap it from the slow alpha decay of radioactive materials within the Earth. By human standards, helium is a non-renewable resource that cannot be practically manufactured from other materials. When released into the atmosphere, e.g., when a helium-filled balloon leaks or bursts, helium eventually escapes into space and is lost.

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On this date in 1994, Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom and French President François Mitterrand officiated at opening of the Channel Tunnel between England and France.

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Willie Mays is 89 today.

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Bob Seger is 75 today.

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Tom Bergeron is 65 today.

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Murder hornets doubt they can do as much damage as Trump. (Borowitz)

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Oh, jeez. Anti-vaccination leaders seize on coronavirus to push resistance to inoculation. Leaders of the anti-vaccination movement, who in recent years have seen their efforts frustrated as U.S. states have adopted stricter laws promoting the inoculation of children, are seizing on the anxiety and social unrest generated by the virus and the government attempts to contain it.

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Octopus-like creatures inhabit Jupiter's moon, claims space scientist.

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Find a vaccine. Next: Produce 300 million vials of it. Scaling up the manufacturing of syringes and other medical products required to deliver a vaccine to millions of Americans will be just as important as the vaccine itself.

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Will Covid-19 go away in the summer and return in the fall? While heat and humidity harm the virus in the lab, that's not the same as real life.

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Trump says he shares his famed uncle's science genius. A friend says the uncle ‘would have been horrified.' The famed scientist John G. Trump once explained his theory of how to treat one malady by the “direct injection of electrons” into patients' skin. To treat another disease, he cited tests that showed it was possible to use electrons to “destroy or inactivate hepatitis virus in blood plasma.” But, President Trump's uncle said, “We unfortunately were not able to persuade anybody to try this,” because there had been “some casualties among volunteers.”

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In Japan, the ‘Murder Hornet' is both a lethal threat and a tasty treat. Long before the insects found their way to American shores, some Japanese prized them for their numbing crunch and the venomous buzz they add to liquor.

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Virus-afflicted 2020 looks like 1918 despite science's march. Modern science quickly identified today's new coronavirus, mapped its genetic code and developed a diagnostic test, tapping knowledge no one had in 1918. That has given people more of a fighting chance to stay out of harm's way, at least in countries that deployed tests quickly, which the U.S. didn't. But the ways to avoid getting sick and what to do when sick are little changed. The failure of U.S. presidents to take the threat seriously from the start also joins past to present.

-----

One in five Wendy's is out of beef. Around 1,000, or 18%, of Wendy's 5,500 US restaurants are not serving any hamburgers or other meat-based items, according to an analysis of online menus at every location conducted by financial firm Stephens. Wendy's is "more exposed" to the shortage sparked by the coronavirus pandemic because of its reliance on fresh beef compared with its competitors, the note said.

-----

Think murder hornets are bad? Alabama police search for "aggressive chicken" attacking people at ATMs.

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Things are getting really rough out there. Please consider donating to Feeding America.


Categories: 1918 Pandemic, Andy Borowitz, Animals, Bob Seger, Channel Tunnel, Covid-19, Donald Trump, Hindenburg, John G. Trump, Jupiter, Murder Hornet, Orson Welles, Spanish Flu, Tom Bergeron, Vaccines, Wendy's, Willie Mays


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, March 02, 2014 @ 5:46 AM EST
Mar 02 2014

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Kentucky is fighting same-sex marriage tooth and nail, just as it fought indoor plumbing.
-Andy Borowitz

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer today reflected on her decision to veto the state's anti-gay law: "The decision was a no-brainer, which is why I was capable of making it."
-Andy Borowitz

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Why I canceled my 20+ year subscription to The Wall Street Journal after it was purchased by Rupert Murdoch, in one photo:

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It's a bit odd that when you ask certain conservatives to Love Thy Neighbor they feel their religious freedom is at risk.
-Frank Conniff

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Dutch police have begun using rats to detect drugs and guns in suspects' clothing, so next time you smoke weed in Amsterdam, try not to get paranoid about the Hyper-Intelligent Police Rats.
-Seth Meyers

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Losing to Canada in hockey is like losing to France in cowardice.
-David Burge

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Hi, I'm a guy who supported the Iraq war and is outraged Putin would invade a smaller country that hasn't attacked him.
-John Fugelsang


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, John Fugelsang


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Sunday randomness
(permalink)

Published Sunday, July 28, 2013 @ 2:33 AM EDT
Jul 28 2013

Rehab is a failure if you come out of it and you're still a politician.
-Andy Borowitz

Regarding the Boy Scouts, I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.
-George Carlin

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First, we cannot enhance our own security if we place in jeopardy what is most precious to us, namely, the centrality of human rights in our daily lives and in global affairs. Second, we cannot maintain our historic self-confidence as a people if we generate public panic. Third, we cannot do our duty as citizens and patriots if we pursue an agenda that polarizes and divides our country. Next, we cannot be true to ourselves if we mistreat others. And finally, in the world at large, we cannot lead if our leaders mislead.
-Jimmy Carter


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Civil Rights, George Carlin, Jimmy Carter, Miscellany, Observations, Politics, Scouting


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Quote of the day
(permalink)

Published Tuesday, December 04, 2012 @ 1:11 PM EST
Dec 04 2012

Hanukkah is the most American holiday because it's a celebration of burning oil that we don't have.
-Andy Borowitz


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Quotes of the day


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Whistling into oblivion...
(permalink)

Published Sunday, October 28, 2012 @ 10:29 AM EDT
Oct 28 2012

Random stuff, as we await the arrival of Sandy Frankenstorm:

God is so busy making sure women get pregnant, I don't know where He finds time to make a hurricane.
-Andy Borowitz

Bill Maher: "You once called Mitt Romney the most intellectually dishonest man in politics. Do you still believe that?"
Barney Frank: "I would strike the word 'intellectually.' "
-(Real Time with Bill Maher, 10/26/12)

If you are having trouble multi-obsessing over both the hurricane and election I will be visiting my mom and will get some tips.
-@pourmecoffee

Bloom's Taxonomy defines educational objectives in terms of three core domains: knowing/head, feeling/heart and doing/hands. These categories are also useful in dating.
-The Covert Comic

How Not To Get A Picture Of Me.
Lesson 1: poke my girlfriend in the back at baggage claim and offer her money.
-Sir Patrick Stewart

There are few things more laughable than a political party that can't get its lie together.
-Robert Brault

If they just called it 'Survivor: Evil/Dumb/Hot/People.' people would start watching again.
-John Fugelsang

Good thing Zooey Deschanel just sang the anthem cuz it's not like Detroit has a rich and vibrant musical history to draw from or anything.
-Jay Satellite

Detroit gave us Motown, Aretha, Bettye LaVette. But none of them has a Fox TV show, so, hey, let's get Zooey Deschanel to sing the World Series anthem.
-Greg Kot

Romney promises Hurricane Sandy will not unfairly target rich people.
-Elayne Boosler

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once and space is what keeps it all from happening to you.
-David Gerrold

BREAKING: Weather Forces Romney to Shift Lying to Other States
-Andy Borowitz


However, we had them in the past and will probably have them in the future, so if you have a time machine, no problem!


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Bill Maher, Covert Comic, John Fugelsang, Patrick Stewart, Photo of the day, Quotes of the day, Robert Brault, Twitter, Weather


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Observations of the day
(permalink)

Published Friday, October 26, 2012 @ 9:06 AM EDT
Oct 26 2012

Experts say the entire 2012 election could come down to just eight states. The states are: confusion, dismay, depression, apathy, shock, disbelief, despair, and anxiety.
-Jay Leno

After the debate... experts agreed that President Obama won on substance and I thought: Well, big deal, Lance Armstrong won on several substances.
-David Letterman

In fairness to Sarah Palin, "shuck" and "jive" are just two of the many thousands of words she doesn't know the meaning of.
-Andy Borowitz

One week after Election Day, the banks will be closed and the military will be marching in the street.
It's called Veterans Day.

I'm tired of every Republican politician being a medical supergenius on vaginas. I want to hear gynecologists talk about the national debt.
-Bill Maher

This campaign has dragged on so long Newt Gingrich is abandoning it for a younger, hotter, healthier campaign.
-John Fugelsang

Karl Rove said the Tea Party is “not sophisticated;” which is sort of like saying the Jonas Brothers are “not black.'
-John Fugelsang

I have never been more ashamed for a candidate, Politicizing fallen Americans is pitiful and unacceptable.
-Colin Powell

Colin Powell endorsed Barack Obama. Makes sense. They're both moderate Republicans.
-@Indecision

There's something wrong with our politics if we can't even agree about rape anymore.
-Andy Borowitz

I’ll be glad when this election’s over so I’ll know for sure whom I should have voted for.
-Steve Martin

The audience at the debate was instructed to turn off their cell phones because they might interfere with Mitt Romney's circuitry.
-Triumph, The Insult Comic Dog


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Colin Powell, David Letterman, Elections, Jay Leno, John Fugelsang, Sarah Palin, Steve Martin


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Observations, Debate-a-Palooza Edition
(permalink)

Published Monday, October 22, 2012 @ 11:39 PM EDT
Oct 22 2012

From social media, collected in real time during the debate:

Elayne Boosler:

“Boca Raton.” Mouth of the Rat. Just sayin'.

Maybe Mitt could fire Iran.

Mitt: “Gender equality for the middle east.” But not for American women.

Wait. Is this a rerun?

He's gonna ask his parents for the money.

Blame the tumult of the middle east on Obama, because it started only four years ago.

Tumult, that's three! Can meshuga be far behind?

We owe China billions. They've kept us afloat. Let's threaten them!

Mali just declared war on Appleton Wisconsin.

Forget the flag pins. They should have worn squirting carnations.

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Albert Brooks:

Romney won the coin toss so the line between them is white.

Romney can see Russia from two of his houses.

Even Syria is bored with this debate.

Romney's expression says “The afterlife is going to be so tough for you.”

The Pentagon just turned to Monday Night Football.

A half hour in. What have we learned? They both don't like war and like peace. Wow.

I don't know who's winning but Iran has just gone to Def Con 4.

Okay. We're back home again. They couldn't talk foreign affairs for more than 30 minutes. That scares me.

Romney keeps bragging about the Olympics. I saw him. His figure skating was embarrassing.

This Christmas Neiman Marcus is selling maps without Israel.

Get tough on China. Make Walmart close at six.

If Romney sweats any more, I get a royalty.

Romney will call China a currency manipulator. China will laugh and sell him another flag pin.

Romney needs a binder full of kleenex.

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John Fugelsang:

It's unfair to say Mitt Romney is politicizing the tragedy of Benghazi when he's actually exploiting it.

“The only way to deal with your enemy is to make him your friend.” Abraham Lincoln, appeaser.

“We can't kill our way out”- Mitt Romney. “We need to kill them.”- Mitt Romney, two minutes later

“We have to help these nations build civil societies”- Mitt Romney, previously opposed to Nation Building.

If Iran develops a nuclear weapon Romney/Ryan would respond with the strongest possible tax cuts.

Barack Obama just said the debate table was round & Mitt Romney said it's actually flat.

Mitt Romney will stand up to Iran, Syria & Putin and is also afraid to go on The View.

”Attacking me is not an agenda“ Mitt Romney, whose foreign policy plan has consisted of attacking the president on Benghazi.

Romney strongly supports gender equality in middle east; and will get back to you with his opinion on Lily Ledbetter act here.

It's fitting that Mitt Romney resembles Reed Richards from Fantastic Four as his magic power is superhuman stretching.

Mitt just said we should've been more involved in Syria & also been less involved. Those Bush aides were worth every penny.

Mitt Romney believes our government has to solve problems in Syria while letting the Free Market solve problems here.

Romney is clearly winning on making the foreign policy debate not about foreign policy

Mitt Romney just found a way to bash teachers' unions during a foreign policy debate.

I want Bob Schieffer to grab Romney by the lapels and scream “WHERE'S THE MONEY, LEBOWSKI?!”

Mitt wants to repeal Obamacare and increase the Pentagon budget to defend Israel's right to universal (health) care.

Mitt just mentioned how he balanced the budget for the Olympics, leaving out the millions in government earmarks that balanced it.

Non millionaires who voted for Bush and support Romney deserve presidents like Bush and Romney.

Hey, Mitt- If you hate our tax system and want a religious conservative government with no abortion or gay marriage, Iran is waiting for you.

Mitt Romney is ahead on impersonating Albert Brooks' flop sweat from Broadcast News.

“The tightest sanctions must be tightened.”- Mitt Romney. He said that.

Obama took out bin Laden but wait til President Romney takes out Oscar the Grouch

Somewhere in Hell Richard Nixon is embarrassed over Mitt Romney debate sweat

GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like Lucy blaming Charlie Brown for missing the football.

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Andy Borowitz:

Romney: “No one has more experience abroad than my money.”

Romney: “I would bring all female troops home in time to cook dinner.”

Both candidates' use of the numbers 1 through 5 underscores the importance of keeping Sesame Street.

If he loses, Mitt Romney has a bright future as a Clipart character.

Romney: “Across the Middle East, women are being kept in binders.”

When Romney is listening he looks exactly like my dad did when I told him a lie.

We are now discussing the most pressing foreign policy issue facing America today, the reading tests of fourth graders.

Romney: “There's no place more important to me than Israel except Ohio.”

Romney: “If the Prime Minister of Israel called me, I would do what I do whenever someone talks to me: interrupt him.”

Romney: “Not only do I believe in drones, I am one.”

Romney: “The greatest threat to the world is nuclear powered women.”

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Beachwood Reporter

Suddenly every schmo on Twitter is a foreign policy expert.

“That's a perfect segue into the next question which neither of you will answer.”

“And now, a ridiculous question that allows each of you to dispense talking points to your base.

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Bill Maher:

Trouble already: Mitt says he wants to impose sanctions on ”Romnesia“.

“Kill our way out of this mess” is the theme of every American movie not about talking animals or weddings.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground.

Mitt, you do know that most of America thinks Mali is one of Obama's daughters, right?

It's good they agree armed Americans should be involved with everyone, everywhere. We loved armed intervention like Paula Dean loves butter.

Aside from talking points, Mitt doesn't know his Assad from a hole in the ground

Mitt's entire debate strategy: What he just said, but from a white guy.

That's an amazingly specific number Mitt keeps pulling out of his ass, 12 million new jobs. But fellas, this is the foreign policy debate!

Jobs, teachers, education - gentlemen, please, can we get back to killing foreigners?

Bob Scheiffer, could you ask about what's IN the military budget? If people knew specifics,”I wouldn't cut nuttin'” wouldn't sound so good

I like hearing Mitt say how great he was for Massachusetts, the state that will never, ever, ever vote for him.

I can't be the only one who's surprised to find out Buster Posey is a white guy. Sorry, flipped to the game.

I've seen wider ideological differences between Jehovah's Witnesses.

Oh no he din't- Romney said his ultimate BubbleFact, “Apology Tour” right in front of the guy who NEVER WENT ON ONE.

To clarify, Mitt is for moving heaven and earth, but only in regards to mining.

You're losing, Mitt- bring up the fact that we have fewer knives and rocks than we did during the French and Indian War.

Shorter version of Romney: Me strong. Obama weak. Hulk smash.

OK Mitt, one more try: we have fewer catapults and barrels of boiling oil than we had in the crusades.

First debate, all agreed, Obama lost; second one, i say he won, but Romney not trounced. But this one? Only bubbledwellers can say Mitt won

Mitt keeps taking issue with being criticized tonight - did they tell him this is a debate?

OK, one last try: We have fewer Andrews Sisters and Ritz Brothers than we did in 1944. So glad we're done with THAT!

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Wonkette:

“The audience has taken a vow of silence.” But not celibacy, one hopes.

We are debating during the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis. This is very important, because we are painfully aware that neither of these men is a Jack Kennedy.

Cutting Obamacare, which the CBO has projected will reduce the deficit, will save money, because MAGIC.

Mitt is in favor of crippling sanctions like the ones Barry has put in place. If elected, he will have the Doctor take him back to the Bush administration to put them in place sooner, and more crippling-er.

Mittens, again with the “tumult.” Why does it sound like Yiddish when he says “tumult”?

You know all about shipping jobs overseas, don’t you Governor? BOOM!

Mitt is pretending that he can feel empathy... Brent Spiner pulled this off a lot more convincingly.

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Various fact checkers:

Politifact rated the claim that the U.S. Navy, U.S. Air Force are smaller than in 1917 and 1947 “pants on fire.”

Romney wants to add $2 trillion to defense that it didn't ask for it. True.

Obama 'promised' 5.4 percent unemployment? Mostly False.

---------

The Onion:

Romney Pledges To Replace All Foreign Policy With Jobs Right Here In America


Categories: Albert Brooks, Andy Borowitz, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, Elayne Boosler, Elections, John Fugelsang, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, The Beachwood Reporter, The Onion, The Wonkette


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Observations of the day
(permalink)

Published Monday, October 22, 2012 @ 1:33 AM EDT
Oct 22 2012

I have learned that saying “no” is the password to the next level.
-Alvin Williams

True, everyone lies, but there's a difference between “No, those pants don't make your ass look fat” and “No, there's nothing incriminating in those unreleased tax returns.”
-Kevin G. Barkes

Obama and Romney should open the next debate with a really well-rehearsed rendition of that “God, I Hope I Get It” song from A Chorus Line.
-Seth McFarland

GOP blaming Obama for the slow recovery is like John Wilkes Booth blaming Lincoln for missing the second act of the play.
-John Fugelsang

The people who gloated over the landslide defeat of George McGovern in 1972 seem to have forgotten its consequences.
-Kevin G. Barkes

It occurs to me that if another country's candidate had financial interest in voting machines, we'd be lecturing them on sanctity of voting.
-Rose Auerbach

For the record, nobody's actually “blaming Bush.” They're blaming Bush policies. “Blaming Bush” implies he was in charge.
-John Fugelsang

I'm thinking of becoming a motivational speaker. But I'm not sure. Should I? Maybe yes, maybe no. Undecided. Kinda thinking about it.
-Steve Martin

You can tell a person is a Republican when they refer to the Democratic Party as the Democrat Party. You can tell a person is a Democrat when he's speaking very slowly to a Republican.
-Kevin G. Barkes

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care were as easy to get as, say, a gun.
-Andy Borowitz

The creator of Mad Libs died. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
-John McNamee


Categories: Alvin Williams, Andy Borowitz, John Fugelsang, John McNamee, KGB Opinion, Observations, Rose Auerbach, Seth McFarlane, Steve Martin


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Observations of the day
(permalink)

Published Thursday, September 13, 2012 @ 7:13 AM EDT
Sep 13 2012

Andy Borowitz:

Romney is starting to make his trip to the London Olympics look like the pinnacle of modern diplomacy.

You would think Mitt Romney would be better at foreign policy given how much time his money has spent overseas.

When our embassy is attacked, we are attacked. Romney's Libya comments display the patriotism of someone who keeps his money in Switzerland.

As reprehensible as Romney's Libya comments are, it's comforting to know that he'll soon contradict them.

John Fugelsang:

The Aurora shooter was able to buy 6000 rounds of ammo on the internet and Tommy Chong went to prison for selling bongs.

I'll sign on for results-based pay for teachers the day Congress gets the same deal.

Mitt Romney has learned that "Entitlement Reform" sounds way better than "Have some more catfood, Nana."

I'd still like to know when "Wit" turned into "Snark."

Lynn Cullen:

What do you get when you take all of the vowels out of Reince Priebus' name? RNC PR BS!


Categories: Andy Borowitz, John Fugelsang, Lynn Cullen, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, Questions for the Ages, Second Amendment, Twitter


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Quote of the day
(permalink)

Published Thursday, September 06, 2012 @ 3:15 PM EDT
Sep 06 2012

Andy Borowitz:

The war in Iraq is over, Osama bin Laden is dead, and Charlie Sheen is off Two and a Half Men.

The S & P 500 just hit a 4-year high, which means Obama is the crappiest socialist in history.

John Fugelsang:

People who say Obama mentions bin Laden too much would prefer something more subtle, like wearing a flight suit.

Gov Brian Schweitzer says 'that dog don't hunt.' He don't ride inside the car, either.


Categories: Andy Borowitz, John Fugelsang, Quotes of the day


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Political Jokes of the Week
(permalink)

Published Monday, July 30, 2012 @ 9:24 AM EDT
Jul 30 2012

Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter.
-Jay Leno

Mitt Romney said while he is in Europe, he won't be apologizing to anybody. He has nothing to apologize for. A lot of those people overseas now have good jobs because of him. They are very very grateful.
-Jay Leno

The Jim Henson company, which created the Muppets, have cut their ties with Chick-Fil-A because of the company's anti-gay marriage stance. Insiders say the move came after intense pressure from Bert and Ernie.
-Jay Leno

To prepare for the Republican Convention, a strip club in Tampa, Florida has hired a Sarah Palin look-a-like to perform. This stripper is so much like Sarah Palin, she actually has written on her hand, 'take off top, shake breasts, swing around pole.'
-Jay Leno

A cyber attack on Iranian nuclear facilities is causing all their computers to play AC/DC. Today, the attackers said 'If our demands aren't met, tomorrow we start blasting Nickelback.'
-Conan O'Brien

There's talk that Mitt Romney's campaign is paying for Twitter followers. Yes, he's paying for people to like him. Or, as it's called politics.
-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney's search for a vice president continues. As you know, one of Mitt Romney's problems is that he's never hired an American for a job before, so this is new.
-Jay Leno

A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
-Jay Leno

Olympics can inspire American kids to get active. Or it can inspire American kids to sit on the couch and watch the Olympics.
-Conan O'Brien

Even though the Olympics take place during Ramadan, some Muslim athletes said they will not fast during games. Then, after sampling the British food, they said, on second thought, fasting sounds good.
-Conan O'Brien

Speaking of Romney, I read that his campaign has raised $10 million in California over the last two days. One million was from a fundraiser while $9 million was from Romney checking a pocket in some old khakis.
-Jimmy Fallon

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.
-David Letterman

And a collection from the prolific Andy Borowitz:

US politics: the opposite of the Olympics. Every 4 years, billions of dollars are spent to show humans at their worst.

I worry that all the pomp and excitement of the Olympics is making the world forget that Kristen cheated on Rob.

Romney: "The Israelis love me. They've even given me a neat nickname: Mittshugenah."

Dick Cheney says Sarah Palin was not ready to be VP, according to We Know That Already, Dumbass magazine.

Romney: "I don't mind that the British keep saying I'm a banker, but why do they pronounce it with a W?"

Mitt Romney is coming across as an out-of-touch rich person in a country that still has a Queen.

If the Internet is any guide, the two things pro-gun people hate most are 1) background check and 2) spell check.


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Conan O'Brien, David Letterman, Dick Cheney, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Mitt Romney, Olympics, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Sarah Palin


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Random observations, quotations, and just plain gonzo
(permalink)

Published Wednesday, July 18, 2012 @ 1:45 AM EDT
Jul 18 2012

Mitt Romney was promised that he'd get the majority of delegates in the GOP primaries and would be the presumptive nominee. The guy with the ruddy complexion, sulfurous b.o. and pointed prehensile tail didn't actually say he'd get the nomination. Always read the small print before you sign anything, Mittens. Especially in blood. (Wasn't a variation of this an old Twilight Zone episode?)

----

The Internet is run by a guy named Heisenberg, and his principles are uncertain.
-Kevin G. Barkes

----

Expect a resolution in short order to the Viacom-DirecTV dispute. My mother discovered yesterday that Jon Stewart's Daily Show was missing from her DVR. She was not amused, and called me prior to phoning DirecTV's customer service line. I think she just wanted to be certain that I was in town if she needed bail money. There are stiff penalties for using that kind of language on the telephone, even if you're an 85-year-old retired teacher with a vocabulary that spans two languages and can cause sailors to blush in either.

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Speaking of DirecTV and The Daily Show, the program's staff constantly updated the satellite provider's customers on Twitter with Viacom shows they were missing during the blackout:

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Latest episode of Spike TV's "World's Fullest Bras."

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Teen Grandmom Season Premier!

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Nazis vs. Martians on Deadliest Warrior. Go Nazis!

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ On Centric, that Soul Train Line dance your uncle was in.

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ "Harlan Oaklee's Meth Kitchen" premiere on Spike TV.

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Rick Astley and Adam Ant host VH-1's "Hits of the Reagan Era" special.

#OnViacomRightNow‬ The cast of "Real World: St. Thomas" clean their house and treat each other like human beings. Once in a lifetime, people!

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Roseanne puts special surprise in the LunchBox's loose meat on TV Land. Meanwhile, Darlene broods.

‪#OnViacomRightNow‬ Snooki tells Jersey Shore housemates she's pregnant, switches to white wine.

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Also on Twitter, a Tea Party member called Keith Olberman a "douchback." Better than being a humpbag, I guess.

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Andy Borowitz was on a roll, as well:

Judging from Internet comments, the only thing the right wing hates more than healthcare is spelling.

Having your movie attacked by Rush Limbaugh is like having your movie attacked by an obese drug addict.

McCain: "Romney had all his money hidden in Switzerland. Sarah Palin was better, because she had never heard of Switzerland."

I had never heard of Yahoo's new CEO, so I Googled her.

John McCain calls Obama's 1st term "the worst thing I've ever observed." I guess he didn't watch Katie Couric's interview with his VP pick.

To celebrate National Karma Day, a pack of wild dogs just strapped Mitt Romney to the roof of a car.

----

Bonus birthday quotes of the day- Hunter S. Thompson:

Hunter Stockton Thompson (July 18, 1937 – February 20, 2005) was an American journalist and author. He first came to popular attention with the publication of Hell's Angels: The Strange and Terrible Saga of the Outlaw Motorcycle Gangs (1966), although the work he remains best known for is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1971), which was first serialised in Rolling Stone magazine.

Thompson became a counter cultural figure as the creator of "Gonzo Journalism," an experimental style of reporting where reporters involve themselves in the action to such a degree that they become central figures of their stories. He had an inveterate hatred of Richard Nixon, who he claimed represented "that dark, venal, and incurably violent side of the American character" and who he characterised in what many consider to be his best book, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail (1972). He was known also for his lifelong use of alcohol and illegal drugs; his love of firearms and his iconoclastic contempt for authoritarianism.

While suffering a bout of health problems, he committed suicide in 2005 at the age of 67.

The full Wikipedia article on Thompson is available here.

A collection of Thompson quotes from the KGB Quotations Database is available here.

"I was also drunk, crazy and heavily armed at all times. People trembled and cursed when I came into a public room and started screaming in German"
-Hunter S. Thompson


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Daily Show, Hunter S. Thompson, Jon Stewart, KGB Family, KGB Opinion, Mitt Romney, Observations, Politics, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
(permalink)

Published Saturday, June 30, 2012 @ 10:10 AM EDT
Jun 30 2012

The Republicans want smaller government because the three branches we have just voted against them.
-Andy Borowitz


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Quotes of the day


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Observations of the day
(permalink)

Published Tuesday, June 26, 2012 @ 5:45 AM EDT
Jun 26 2012

From Twitter:

"Sandusky Still Says He's Not Guilty." If this was the church he'd be coaching at another school.
-Elayne Boosler

Arizona could solve its immigration problem if they posted pictures of Jan Brewer at the border.
-Andy Borowitz

I'm thinking of becoming a corporation so that the Supreme Court will consider me a person.
-Andy Borowitz

Remember, no matter what the Supreme Court justices decide about government healthcare, they'll still have it.
-Andy Borowitz

At the end of every ad, candidates should be required to say what they promised the crazy billionaire who paid for it.
-Andy Borowitz

The Supreme Court Justices who made Bush president can't possibly be concerned about the nation's health.
-Andy Borowitz

I love the smell of the universe in the morning.
-Neil deGrasse Tyson

Personally, I'm waiting for Dwight Eisenhower vs. The Predator.
-Kevin G. Barkes


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Elayne Boosler, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Observations, Quotes of the day, Twitter


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Observation
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Published Monday, June 18, 2012 @ 11:37 PM EDT
Jun 18 2012

The law of unintended consequences: John McCain winning the nomination results in Bristol Palin having a reality show.
-Andy Borowitz


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Observations


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Quote of the day
(permalink)

Published Friday, March 16, 2012 @ 12:03 AM EDT
Mar 16 2012

Romney: "I love American democracy. I'm good friends with some of the owners of it."
-Andy Borowitz


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Quotes of the day


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Quote of the day
(permalink)

Published Sunday, February 26, 2012 @ 12:38 PM EST
Feb 26 2012

Didn't we settle contraception and affirmative action? If the GOP keep going backwards they'll soon be debating slavery.
-Andy Borowitz


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Quotes of the day


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Borowitz on a roll
(permalink)

Published Sunday, January 08, 2012 @ 11:44 AM EST
Jan 08 2012

I have a Twitter account but I really don't follow it- I already have enough distractions. But I do have the app installed on my cell phone. I accidentally ran it this morning and was presented with a week's worth of hysterical musings by Andy Borowitz. My favorites follow: they're in reverse chronological order, starting with his observations on the latest GOP debate in New Hampshire:

I'm surprised Huntsman hasn't benefited more from our culture's fascination with vampires.

When Gingrich talks about "moving to a 21st century model," Callista better watch her back.

Rick Perry's comments have been sponsored by Lunesta.

Mitt Romney would make a great President in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

Somewhere, Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann are in a motel room watching this & laughing.

Rick Perry: "Not only have I worn a uniform, this Halloween I went as a slutty nurse."

Huntsman: "I am the only man on this stage with decades of experience running a funeral home."

Ron Paul better be on guard or Huntsman will try to embalm him.

This promises to be the whitest Yo Mama contest on record.

I worry that all the jokes about Santorum's sweater vests are distracting us from the fact that he's a f*cking a**hat.

Gingrich: "I'm not leaving Romney alone unless he gets cancer."

That weird sensation you're feeling while watching the #GOPDebate is your brain cells curling up and dying.

Rick Perry on preparing for the debate: "I started drinking yesterday."

I'll miss Bachmann and Cain tonight. It'll be like watching an episode of Three's Company with no Ropers.

To Santorum, poor people are like sweater sleeves- he knows they exist, he just has no use for them.

I never delete any voicemails just in case there's something Rupert Murdoch might enjoy.

It's helpful when CNN shows us what's happening on Twitter because it reminds us to turn off CNN and go on Twitter.

From now on, please join me in referring to a "sweater vest" as a "douche holster."

Real sign the economy is improving: Republicans are starting to say Obama wasn't born here again.

Newt Gingrich is the kind of guy who goes to church and his "Hard Out Here For a Pimp" ringtone goes off.

Remember, no matter what sh*t you're going through in your life right now, at least you're not talking to Rick Santorum.

Critics may accuse Mitt Romney of flip-flopping, but he has been very consistent about being a d*ck.

Children say amazing and hilarious things unless they're other people's children.

Boehner on improving employment numbers: "This is a wakeup call. We've got to work harder to f*ck this up."

The Underwear Bomber is named Umar Farouk Abdulmjutallab, so let's just keep calling him The Underwear Bomber.

There's no way you can see a headline like "Santorum Blanketing New Hampshire" and not be grossed out.

There's an interesting story about the psychology of Romney voters in the American Journal of Settling.

Just reread the Book of Revelation- I had never noticed all the references to sweater vests before.

Just reread ancient Mayans' prophecy. They didn't say the world would end in 2012, just a Van Halen reunion.

Rick Santorum supports the rights of the unborn child until it's born and wants a gay marriage.

Pat Robertson: 'God Told Me the GOP Nominee Will Be a White Male A**hole'

Bachmann on quitting the race: "At least now I won't have to figure out where all those other states are."

Mitt Romney is hoping for a big win in New Hampshire, which he defines as 9 votes.

Santorum says he"s not against homosexuality "when it's done right."

I felt safer with Michele Bachmann on the campaign trail than I do now that she's just wandering around.

If only 8 more people liked me than Rick Santorum I would put a gun in my mouth.

BREAKING: Romney Vows to Put Americans Back to Work Making Negative Ads

What I'll miss most about Michele Bachmann? When she means "standard bearer" she always says "standard bear."

Michele Bachmann's decision to quit the race is disturbing because it smacks of sanity.

Romney Jubilant after Finishing in Dead Heat with Walking Joke in Sweater Vest

Iowa is too small and white to choose a President, which is why I'm glad we're moving on to New Hampshire.

BREAKING: CNN to Simulcast Bachmann's Withdrawal Speech in English

Remember, Michele Bachmann doesn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Also: the words science, math, apple, cat.

BREAKING: .0006% of Iowans Dislike Romney less than Santorum

The last time so few people decided a Presidential race they were all on the Supreme Court.

Say what you will about the margin of Romney's victory, but 8 votes is still 6 more than Rick Perry can count.

Rick Perry just said this race wasn't about him. Apparently Iowa agrees.

Note to Middle Easterners: when you protest for democracy, remember to specify "but not that caucus sh*t."

Only Wolf Blitzer could make the words "three-way" sound so boring.

Mitt Romney must be thrilled: he's in a tie with a lawn gnome and a guy who opposes man-on-dog marriage.

Santorum says he didn't mind trailing in the polls "because I'm used to being in the cellar."

If Santorum is going to be President we better hurry and marry our pets now.

In a bold last-minute tactic, Romney has changed his first name on the ballot from Mitt to Not.

Such a small unrepresentative group has never been allowed to pick a US President. Oh wait- the Supreme Court.

The Iowa caucuses are like a sitcom with no main characters and just wacky neighbors.

If Michele Bachmann and Tebow both lose this week, then God is 0 for 2012.

If Santorum almost wins Iowa, it will be like when Sanjaya almost won American Idol.

I get that God has his reasons for tsunamis and earthquakes, but I'm finding these Tebow losses hard to fathom.

Pat Robertson: 'God Made Tebow Lose to Punish any Denver Fans who Might be Gay'

Reality check, America: God does not make people win football games. He makes them win Grammys.

BREAKING: Santorum Picks Up Key Endorsement from Ancient Mayans

I really think it's time Boyz 2 Men just started calling themselves Men.


Categories: Andy Borowitz


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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