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...when "satire" in The Onion
is about the only honest, objective view you'll get of this abysmal
situation.
Sadly, Nation Knows Exactly How Colorado Shooting's Aftermath Will
Play Out
(The Onion, July 20, 2012)
WASHINGTON-Americans across the nation confirmed today that,
unfortunately, due to their extreme familiarity with the type of tragedy
that occurred in a Colorado movie theater last night, they sadly know
exactly how the events following the horrific shooting of 12 people will
unfold.
While admitting they "absolutely hate" the fact they have this
knowledge, the nation's 300 million citizens told reporters they can
pinpoint down to the hour when the first candlelight vigil will be held,
roughly how many people will attend, how many times the county sheriff
will address the media in the coming weeks, and when the town-wide
memorial service will be held.
Additionally, sources nationwide took no pleasure in confirming that
some sort of video recording, written material, or disturbing
photographs made by the shooter will be surfacing in about an hour or
two.
"I hate to say it, but we as Americans are basically experts at this
kind of thing by now,” said 45-year-old market analyst Jared Gerson,
adding that the number of media images of Aurora, CO citizens crying and
looking shocked is “pretty much right in line with where it usually is
at this point." "The calls not to politicize the tragedy should be
starting in an hour, but by 1:30 p.m. tomorrow the issue will have been
politicized. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if the shooter's high school
classmate is interviewed within 45 minutes."
"It's like clockwork," said Gerson, who sighed, shook his head, and
walked away.
According to the nation's citizenry, calls for a mature, thoughtful
debate about the role of guns in American society started right on time,
and should persist throughout the next week or so. However, the populace
noted, the debate will soon spiral out of control and ultimately lead to
nothing of any substance, a fact Americans everywhere acknowledged they
felt "absolutely horrible" to be aware of.
With scalpel-like precision, the American populace then went on to
predict, to the minute, how long it will take for the media to swarm
Aurora, CO, how long it will take for them to leave, and exactly when
questions will be raised as to whether or not violence in movies and
video games had something to do with the act.
The nation's citizens also confirmed that, any time now, some religious
figure or cable news personality will say something unbelievably
insensitive about the tragic shooting.
"Unfortunately, I've been through this a lot, and I pretty much have it
down to a science when President Obama will visit Colorado, when he will
meet with the families of those who lost loved ones, and when he will
give his big speech that people will call 'unifying' and 'very
presidential,'" Jacksonville resident Amy Brennen, 32, said, speaking
for every other person in the country. "Nothing really surprises me when
it comes to this kind of thing anymore. And that makes me feel terrible."
"Oh, and here's another thing I hate I know," Brennen continued, "In
exactly two weeks this will all be over and it will be like it never
happened."
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No politician today is capable of this. No notes, no teleprompter- and
he quoted Aeschylus.
I'm a firm believer in not second-guessing the past. But when I see this
clip, I can't help but wonder, "what if..." And what has happened to the
nation that once produced great men like Bobby? It seems the killers
have remained, but, for the most part, the Bobbys and Martins are
nowhere to be found.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I'm only going to talk to you just for a minute or so this evening,
because I have some- some very sad news for all of you- Could you lower
those signs, please?- I have some very sad news for all of you, and, I
think, sad news for all of our fellow citizens, and people who love
peace all over the world; and that is that Martin Luther King was shot
and was killed tonight in Memphis, Tennessee.
Martin Luther King dedicated his life to love and to justice between
fellow human beings. He died in the cause of that effort. In this
difficult day, in this difficult time for the United States, it's
perhaps well to ask what kind of a nation we are and what direction we
want to move in. For those of you who are black- considering the
evidence evidently is that there were white people who were responsible-
you can be filled with bitterness, and with hatred, and a desire for
revenge.
We can move in that direction as a country, in greater polarization-
black people amongst blacks, and white amongst whites, filled with
hatred toward one another. Or we can make an effort, as Martin Luther
King did, to understand, and to comprehend, and replace that violence,
that stain of bloodshed that has spread across our land, with an effort
to understand, compassion, and love.
For those of you who are black and are tempted to fill with- be filled
with hatred and mistrust of the injustice of such an act, against all
white people, I would only say that I can also feel in my own heart the
same kind of feeling. I had a member of my family killed, but he was
killed by a white man.
But we have to make an effort in the United States. We have to make an
effort to understand, to get beyond, or go beyond these rather difficult
times.
My favorite poem, my- my favorite poet was Aeschylus. And he once wrote:
Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop
upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes
wisdom through the awful grace of God.
What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the
United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not
violence and lawlessness, but is love, and wisdom, and compassion toward
one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer
within our country, whether they be white or whether they be black.
So I ask you tonight to return home, to say a prayer for the family of
Martin Luther King- yeah, it's true- but more importantly to say a
prayer for our own country, which all of us love- a prayer for
understanding and that compassion of which I spoke.
We can do well in this country. We will have difficult times. We've had
difficult times in the past, but we- and we will have difficult times in
the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of
lawlessness; and it's not the end of disorder.
But the vast majority of white people and the vast majority of black
people in this country want to live together, want to improve the
quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings that abide in
our land.
And let's dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago:
to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world.
Let us dedicate ourselves to that, and say a prayer for our country and
for our people.
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Published Wednesday, February 09, 2011 @ 10:03 AM EST
Feb092011
FORT WAYNE – Despite garnering far more support in an online poll than
the thicket of other suggestions, residents shouldn’t expect Fort
Wayne’s new government center to be named after the city’s longest
tenured mayor.
Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy said naming 200 E. Berry St. The Harry Baals
Government Center was “probably not” going to happen.
“We love Fort Wayne, too,” she said. “We’re not going to make any
decisions that look bad.”
The name has received 882 votes on the city’s website,
www.feedbackfortwayne.org as of Monday afternoon – more than triple that
of its nearest competitor: Eugene Johnson Memorial Center.
Johnson was the properties manager for the Allen County Public Library
while it occupied the building. The city’s online poll allows anyone to
submit names for the building and then vote on the suggestions.
Baals – pronounced “balls” by the then-mayor but “bales” by his
descendents – became the Republican nominee for mayor in 1934 and was
elected for three successive terms. He returned to politics in 1951 by
winning a fourth term but died in office in May 1954. His
accomplishments include elevating the railroads in town and negotiating
the contract with the Army to establish Baer Field as an air base.
While Baals was a popular mayor, Malloy noted he had an unfortunate name
and some elected officials have said such a name would be an
embarrassment to the city.
Regardless, Malloy said the online feedback effort has been a success
because it has generated interest in local government and created buzz.
“I’m glad people want to get involved,” she said. “We are having fun
with government.”
Frank Suarez, city spokesman, said public voting on the issue will
remain open through Friday. When it is closed, Mayor Tom Henry will be
given as many as 10 finalists from which to choose the name for the
office building. Suarez said Henry will make the selection after talking
to division directors and community leaders, but he said the name will
come from the list of suggestions made by the public.
The city bought the building, the former Renaissance Square, and is
remodeling it to house most city and county departments. The City-County
Building would then be the home for the city and county police
departments.
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Published Tuesday, November 23, 2010 @ 4:33 AM EST
Nov232010
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't
want to have to restart my collection again.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this- ever.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang
it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes
to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first
saw it.
I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to
prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.
Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate
bicyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on
the Donkey- but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first
time, every time!
(This is all over the Internet; does anyone know the true author?)
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Published Monday, September 20, 2010 @ 2:21 PM EDT
Sep202010
The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile
but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this
indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of
death- however mutable man may be able to make them- our existence as a
species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the
darkness, we must supply our own light.
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Why is multitasking considered an admirable talent? We could just as
easily think of it as a neurotic inability to concentrate for more than
three seconds. Bob Herbert, The
New York Times
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Current weather from my backyard in South Park, PA.