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Quotes of the day: The Covert Comic
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Published Friday, January 16, 2015 @ 12:00 AM EST
Jan 16 2015

John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic (b. ca 1960) is a CIA officer, aphorist and self-described "poet and covert activist." His non-classified work has been reviewed in numerous publications including USA Today (their one-word assessment of King's writing: "Spooky") and the Washington Post. The aphorist Robert Brault described King as "an inventive, comic talent." King's classified writings have appeared in various US Intelligence Community publications. John Alejandro King is believed to be the only person ever to have had a poem about the President's Daily Brief published and to have actually published an item (not that poem) in the President's Daily Brief. (Click here for The Covert Comic's website.)

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A man without a woman
Is like a bicycle without the fish smell.

According to new research, there are actually gay sheep. If I'm an Australian guy, right now I'm thinking, 'uh-oh...'

All Italians move to New York sooner or later. The name 'Tony' is just an abbreviation for 'To New York.'

Any sufficiently advanced coup is indistinguishable from an election.

Anybody who manages to file a disability claim for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome should be rejected on principle.

Ask not what your country can do for you, lest your country get ideas.

Assassination doesn't count as a people skill.

Better over the top, than under the bottom.

Bloom's Taxonomy defines educational objectives in terms of three core domains: knowing/head, feeling/heart and doing/hands. These categories are also useful in dating.

Can I Not Pay Attention And Just Be Outraged All The Time? (bumper sticker)

Christianity is about being positive. A good way to remember this is, every time you look at the crucifix, think of it as a plus sign.

Conductance is utile.

Death before dishonor. One thing at a time.

Don't be too quick to throw a homeless person out of a library. There's a fair chance they're the author of one or more of the books.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because you secretly videotaped it.

Every time I grab some guy's nose with a pair of 4-foot gardening shears like in those Three Stooges films, I think to myself, 'Once again, life imitates art.'

Everything I need to know I learned in the womb: keep my eyes shut, remain in the fetal position, and no matter what happens, don't stop sucking my thumb.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2 percent people.

For a while I thought I was bisexual, but only because I tend to get 'bi-' and 'semi-' mixed up.

Four words every mom dreads hearing: 'You're under arrest, Mom.'

Friends and lovers may come and go. As long as they go.

Guns don't kill people, if people give me their money.

Hell hath no fury like a woman. Why add extraneous details?

Hey, it's not the end of the world. It's just the end of your time in it.

How's my math? Two words: Terrible.

I am no longer flirting with disaster. Disaster and I are now formally engaged.

I bet the saying, 'If you can dream it, you can do it,' probably isn't all that inspiring if you're a bed wetter.

I love you more than wife itself.

I save voicemails from relatives... not in case they die but so that if one of them kills me the police will know who to investigate.

I used to wonder why somebody didn't do something for peace. Then I realized that I am somebody. So now I know why somebody doesn't do something for peace.

I was shocked upon viewing Internet porn while surfing the Web last night. Then I realized my wife must have wired the mouse on our computer.

I'd seen her kind before: two arms, two legs, a brain and spinal column. No doubt about it, this girl was trouble.

I've proven I can succeed in the real world. Now, how do I get there?

If all the world's a stage, America is the shiny vertical pole in the middle.

If America didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent it. That's the chief difference between America and Canada.

If brevity is the soul of wit, why does it have more syllables?

If charity begins at home, I bet I know in which room.

If Dr. Moreau had owned a vacuum cleaner, he'd probably be alive today.

If I can be with the one I love, is it still OK to love the one I'm with?

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have killed a lot more people.

If life is a box of chocolates, that probably explains all the farting.

If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you're probably wasting your time.

If they're fake boobs, is it really pornography?

If you want to read the fortune, you've got to break the cookie.

If you're a vegetarian, should you eat carnivorous plants?

If you're looking for heroes, the Greek deli is down the street.

If you're not scared or angry at the thought of a human brain being controlled remotely, then it could be this prototype of mine is finally starting to work.

In France, one does not refer to nursing home residents as 'vegetables.' They're 'legumes.'

In the land of the blonde, the man with one brain hemisphere is king.

Is it really fair to classify sloth as one of the seven deadly sins, when being slothful can actually help prevent the other six?

It can change every ten minutes, and still be eternal truth.

It's a good thing the local McDonalds has that big 'God Bless America' banner, otherwise I'd probably buy my burgers and fries at the Al Qaeda's across the street.

It's not a matter of principle, it's a principle of matter.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's why you think there's a game.

It's said that a woman must do a thing twice as well as a man to be considered half as good. And I bet I know what that thing is.

It's true you can't go home again, although evidently your relatives can come to your home as often as they want.

Just because women say they want men to talk about their innermost desires, doesn't mean women actually want men to get their innermost desires.

Just because you can't decrypt the cipher doesn't mean there's something wrong with the code.

Like 'theatre' and 'theater,' 'cosmic' and 'comics' are just alternative spellings of the same word.

My wife has a sex drive. The problem is, she also has a sex park, a sex neutral, and a sex reverse.

My wife told me 'I need you like the desert needs the rain. Once, maybe twice a year, for no more than twenty minutes.'

Never laugh at a clown with a gun? Shouldn't that be, always laugh at a clown with a gun?

No guts, no gory.

No hurry- take all the time you have.

'None of us is as smart as all of us?' Isn't that the whole problem?

Note to self: work on being less note-to-selfish.

Nothing reminds a person of their own mortality like being killed.

One question I have for homeless people: Who doesn't work for food?

People ask if it's possible to find love after age 40. The answer is yes; you just have to reach your hand down a little lower.

People who live in houses made of antimatter probably shouldn't throw stones either.

Rather than giveth and taketh away, maybe it would be best for all concerned if the Lord just held on to it.

Remember, scientists who say we only use one tenth of our brains are only using one tenth of their brains when they say this.

Remember, Socrates was killed by a committee. So it's not like committees are totally useless.

Scaling doesn't scale.

Science is not an exact science.

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

St. Genesius is the patron saint of clowns and lawyers. Clearly, the Lord doesn’t always work in mysterious ways.

Technically speaking, the only things necessary for the triumph of evil are evil and triumph.

That there's a time and a place for everything in no way implies that the two intersect.

The bigger they come, the harder they fall on you.

The danger in seeking to force our beliefs on others isn't that they may someday force their beliefs on us; it's that they may someday force our beliefs on us.

The fact that curiosity killed the cat isn't an argument for not being curious, it's an argument for not being a cat.

The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you're not permitted to bring a weapon into a Government building.

The only way to win an election by a greater margin than Saddam Hussein in Iraq is to be a Democratic candidate in Chicago.

The pacifier changes, the sucking remains.

The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.

The size of a mind is inversely proportional to the amount of indignation that will fit inside it.

The Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.

(T)he two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen, and quotes about hydrogen and stupidity.

There are no menial jobs. But you're welcome to check back next month.

They can't pull the rug out from under you if you're already lying on the floor.

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it's actually faulty storage media.

Thomas Wolfe was wrong- you can go home again. For example, if you forget to wear pants to work.

Those who cannot remember the past are invited to come over to my place.

To build character, use a 4D printer.

Wait a minute. Isn't the glass half empty and half full?

When choosing between two evils, be advised: if you use the 'eeny- meeny-miny-mo' method, you'll always end up with the second one.

When he tells you, 'I love you more than life itself,' make sure he's not saying he'd rather be married to you than have a life.

When Jesus told us to love one another, He never said we had to like it.

When two secrets contradict each other, believe them both.

When William of Ockham stated his famous principle 'Ockham's Razor' in his book Summa Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to say it.

Whenever one orifice closes, another opens.

Where I come from, being bisexual means using both hands.

Whoever said 'Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting' obviously never licked one.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first grant security clearances.

Why can't things be like they weren't?

Why did I get married? Well, I wasn't getting any sex, and I wasn't making a woman happy, so I figured: why not make it official?

Why does a woman want a man who's 'not afraid to cry?' Probably so she can know for sure that the torture is working.

Win The War, On Drugs (bumper sticker)

With great power comes great denial of responsibility.

You can't fool enough of the people enough of the time.

You could do worse than have the CIA infiltrate and control Third World peasant cooperatives. For example, the CIA could infiltrate and control Third World peasant cooperatives, and make all the peasants wear clown suits.

-----

(January 16 is also the birthday of Susan Sontag)


Categories: Covert Comic, Quotes of the day


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Motivational Secret of the Week
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Published Saturday, October 04, 2014 @ 8:16 AM EDT
Oct 04 2014

There are no menial jobs. But you're welcome to check back next month.
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic


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Observations
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Published Saturday, September 13, 2014 @ 5:55 PM EDT
Sep 13 2014

I love being 60 years old. It's very liberating. A lot of people asked me if I was going to make a bucket list. I made a bucket list, then I changed the 'b' to an 'f' and I was done with it.
-Jerry Seinfeld

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it's actually faulty storage media.
-John Alejandro King (The Covert Comic)


Categories: Covert Comic, Jerry Seinfeld, Observations


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Observation
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Published Saturday, August 16, 2014 @ 12:57 PM EDT
Aug 16 2014

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.
-John Alejandro King (The Covert Comic)


Categories: Covert Comic, Observations


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Observation of the day
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Published Saturday, December 07, 2013 @ 11:29 AM EST
Dec 07 2013

The pacifier changes, the sucking remains.
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Observations


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Observation of the day
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Published Saturday, October 05, 2013 @ 7:01 AM EDT
Oct 05 2013

If you want to read the fortune, you've got to break the cookie.
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Observations


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Recommendation of the day
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Published Saturday, August 17, 2013 @ 8:49 AM EDT
Aug 17 2013

To build character, use a 4D printer.
The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Observations, Quotes of the day


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Advanced situational ethics
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Published Saturday, July 27, 2013 @ 2:43 AM EDT
Jul 27 2013

If I can be with the one I love, is it still OK to love the one I'm with?
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Question of the day


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Follow him. Now.
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Published Saturday, June 08, 2013 @ 8:14 AM EDT
Jun 08 2013

You really need to follow The Covert Comic. Do so on his Facebook page, on Twitter, or his website.

CC on Facebook

(Screen capture of CC's latest Facebook entry.)


Categories: Covert Comic, Quotes of the day, Quotes on a topic


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Looks phine oot meee...
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Published Thursday, June 06, 2013 @ 7:05 AM EDT
Jun 06 2013

"Just because you can't decrypt the cipher doesn't mean there's something wrong with the code."
-The Covert Comic

My favorite post-modern aphorist, CIA spook, and fellow webmaster, The Covert Comic (follow him on Twitter; friend him on Facebook) sent me an e-mail yesterday telling me that the column on the right side of the page isn't rendering properly on Internet Explorer 8.

I jumped over to a remote machine running XP and IE8 and confirmed his report; the right column was appearing under the left column, and the horizontal position was wrong, too.

The page looked fine in Chrome, Firefox, Opera, and the various browsers on my Android phone. It also rendered correctly in IE9 and IE10.

W3C's online markup validation service showed the style sheet was valid, but it did reveal some errors on the page. I manually corrected the bad code, ftp'ed it up to the website, and:

Big effing deal.

Back over to the XP/IE8 machine. Rename the page so I don't grab a bad, cached version. Type in the new url, and:

Swell.

Alrighty, then.

If you're still using XP and IE8, you have much bigger problems than reading this page. You know what they say:

We now return you to our regularly scheduled whatever.


Categories: Covert Comic, Internet, KGB Blog News


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Quote of the day
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Published Saturday, March 02, 2013 @ 8:57 AM EST
Mar 02 2013

The danger in seeking to force our beliefs on others isn't that they may someday force their beliefs on us; it's that they may someday force our beliefs on us.
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Saturday, February 02, 2013 @ 12:58 AM EST
Feb 02 2013

When Jesus told us to love one another, He never said we had to like it.
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Jesus, Quotes of the day, Religion


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Miscellany
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Published Saturday, November 17, 2012 @ 2:19 AM EST
Nov 17 2012

I think America might just have spent all day obsessing over loss of Twinkies. This is why we're not getting a greatest generation book.
-@pourmecoffee

What if the Mayan calendar ends in 5105, and we've just been holding it upside down?
-Aaron Karo

Hostess will sell the rights to all their snack cakes, and Twinkies will once again pour off the production line of a different company. I wouldn't be surprised if several years' worth of Twinkies aren't already stockpiled in a warehouse somewhere. I mean, It's not like they're going to go stale or anything...

A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

This new thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
-Justin Shanes

Viagra can cause sight loss. So, you can go blind either way.


(YouTube video: The Big Bang Theory Flash Mob!)

James Bond beat Abraham Lincoln at the box office. Boy, it's really been a lousy week for Republicans, hasn't it?
–David Letterman

No hurry- take all the time you have.
-The Covert Comic

Isn't the Twinkie too big to fail? Where's the bailout, Obama?
-The Beachwood Reporter

If you were born in or after April 1985, you have never experienced a colder than average month. If you've lived in Pittsburgh during that period, you've experienced the highest and lowest temperatures on record as well as the greatest 24-hour rain and snowfall totals. So if grandma or grandpa start to tell you how bad the weather was when they were growing up, tell them to stick a sock in it.

It's also interesting to note that in April 1985 Coca-Cola changed its formula and released New Coke.

Post hoc, ergo propter hoc?


Categories: Aaron Karo, Abraham Lincoln, Barack Obama, Climate change, Coca Cola, Covert Comic, David Letterman, Drugs, James Bond, Mayans, Miscellany, Observations, The Beachwood Reporter, The Big Bang Theory, Twinkies, Video, YouTube


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Whistling into oblivion...
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Published Sunday, October 28, 2012 @ 10:29 AM EDT
Oct 28 2012

Random stuff, as we await the arrival of Sandy Frankenstorm:

God is so busy making sure women get pregnant, I don't know where He finds time to make a hurricane.
-Andy Borowitz

Bill Maher: "You once called Mitt Romney the most intellectually dishonest man in politics. Do you still believe that?"
Barney Frank: "I would strike the word 'intellectually.' "
-(Real Time with Bill Maher, 10/26/12)

If you are having trouble multi-obsessing over both the hurricane and election I will be visiting my mom and will get some tips.
-@pourmecoffee

Bloom's Taxonomy defines educational objectives in terms of three core domains: knowing/head, feeling/heart and doing/hands. These categories are also useful in dating.
-The Covert Comic

How Not To Get A Picture Of Me.
Lesson 1: poke my girlfriend in the back at baggage claim and offer her money.
-Sir Patrick Stewart

There are few things more laughable than a political party that can't get its lie together.
-Robert Brault

If they just called it 'Survivor: Evil/Dumb/Hot/People.' people would start watching again.
-John Fugelsang

Good thing Zooey Deschanel just sang the anthem cuz it's not like Detroit has a rich and vibrant musical history to draw from or anything.
-Jay Satellite

Detroit gave us Motown, Aretha, Bettye LaVette. But none of them has a Fox TV show, so, hey, let's get Zooey Deschanel to sing the World Series anthem.
-Greg Kot

Romney promises Hurricane Sandy will not unfairly target rich people.
-Elayne Boosler

Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once and space is what keeps it all from happening to you.
-David Gerrold

BREAKING: Weather Forces Romney to Shift Lying to Other States
-Andy Borowitz


However, we had them in the past and will probably have them in the future, so if you have a time machine, no problem!


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Bill Maher, Covert Comic, John Fugelsang, Patrick Stewart, Photo of the day, Quotes of the day, Robert Brault, Twitter, Weather


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Observation of the day
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Published Saturday, August 04, 2012 @ 8:33 AM EDT
Aug 04 2012

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; and perhaps, not surprisingly, it was also the median of times.
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Observations, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Saturday, January 07, 2012 @ 2:57 PM EST
Jan 07 2012

It's not whether you win or lose, it's why you think there's a game.
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Sunday, November 13, 2011 @ 12:01 AM EST
Nov 13 2011

Conductance is utile.
-The Covert Comic


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Quote of the day
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Published Saturday, November 05, 2011 @ 12:00 AM EDT
Nov 05 2011

My wife told me "I need you like the desert needs the rain. Once, maybe twice a year, for no more than twenty minutes."
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Quotes of the day


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Questions for the Ages
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Published Saturday, October 29, 2011 @ 12:30 AM EDT
Oct 29 2011

Is it really fair to classify sloth as one of the seven deadly sins, when being slothful can actually help prevent the other six?
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Questions for the Ages


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Post Top-Secret
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Published Friday, March 18, 2011 @ 1:50 AM EDT
Mar 18 2011

The Covert Comic does it again:


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Quote of the day
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Published Monday, March 07, 2011 @ 6:48 AM EST
Mar 07 2011

For a while I thought I was bisexual, but only because I tend to get "bi-" and "semi-" mixed up.
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Sunday, February 27, 2011 @ 6:56 AM EST
Feb 27 2011

How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees?
The Covert Comic


Categories: Covert Comic, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Saturday, January 15, 2011 @ 7:03 AM EST
Jan 15 2011

St. Genesius is the patron saint of clowns and lawyers. Clearly, the Lord doesn’t always work in mysterious ways.
The Covert Comic

(More comprehensively, St. Genesius is the patron saint of actors, attorneys, comedians, clowns, converts, dancers, epileptics, musicians, printers, torture victims, and stenographers. Really. So, CC's observation stands.)


Categories: Covert Comic, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Sunday, December 26, 2010 @ 1:02 AM EST
Dec 26 2010

Technically speaking, the only things necessary for the triumph of evil are evil and triumph.
-The Covert Comic


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, November 19, 2010 @ 8:10 PM EST
Nov 19 2010

Einstein said, "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." Of course, good luck finding the "middle" of something in four-dimensional curved space-time.
-The Covert Comic


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