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Quotes of the day: The Covert Comic

Published Friday, January 16, 2015 @ 12:00 AM EST
Jan 16 2015

John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic (b. ca 1960) is a CIA officer, aphorist and self-described "poet and covert activist." His non-classified work has been reviewed in numerous publications including USA Today (their one-word assessment of King's writing: "Spooky") and the Washington Post. The aphorist Robert Brault described King as "an inventive, comic talent." King's classified writings have appeared in various US Intelligence Community publications. John Alejandro King is believed to be the only person ever to have had a poem about the President's Daily Brief published and to have actually published an item (not that poem) in the President's Daily Brief. (Click here for The Covert Comic's website.)


A man without a woman
Is like a bicycle without the fish smell.

According to new research, there are actually gay sheep. If I'm an Australian guy, right now I'm thinking, 'uh-oh...'

All Italians move to New York sooner or later. The name 'Tony' is just an abbreviation for 'To New York.'

Any sufficiently advanced coup is indistinguishable from an election.

Anybody who manages to file a disability claim for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome should be rejected on principle.

Ask not what your country can do for you, lest your country get ideas.

Assassination doesn't count as a people skill.

Better over the top, than under the bottom.

Bloom's Taxonomy defines educational objectives in terms of three core domains: knowing/head, feeling/heart and doing/hands. These categories are also useful in dating.

Can I Not Pay Attention And Just Be Outraged All The Time? (bumper sticker)

Christianity is about being positive. A good way to remember this is, every time you look at the crucifix, think of it as a plus sign.

Conductance is utile.

Death before dishonor. One thing at a time.

Don't be too quick to throw a homeless person out of a library. There's a fair chance they're the author of one or more of the books.

Don't cry because it's over, smile because you secretly videotaped it.

Every time I grab some guy's nose with a pair of 4-foot gardening shears like in those Three Stooges films, I think to myself, 'Once again, life imitates art.'

Everything I need to know I learned in the womb: keep my eyes shut, remain in the fetal position, and no matter what happens, don't stop sucking my thumb.

Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2 percent people.

For a while I thought I was bisexual, but only because I tend to get 'bi-' and 'semi-' mixed up.

Four words every mom dreads hearing: 'You're under arrest, Mom.'

Friends and lovers may come and go. As long as they go.

Guns don't kill people, if people give me their money.

Hell hath no fury like a woman. Why add extraneous details?

Hey, it's not the end of the world. It's just the end of your time in it.

How's my math? Two words: Terrible.

I am no longer flirting with disaster. Disaster and I are now formally engaged.

I bet the saying, 'If you can dream it, you can do it,' probably isn't all that inspiring if you're a bed wetter.

I love you more than wife itself.

I save voicemails from relatives... not in case they die but so that if one of them kills me the police will know who to investigate.

I used to wonder why somebody didn't do something for peace. Then I realized that I am somebody. So now I know why somebody doesn't do something for peace.

I was shocked upon viewing Internet porn while surfing the Web last night. Then I realized my wife must have wired the mouse on our computer.

I'd seen her kind before: two arms, two legs, a brain and spinal column. No doubt about it, this girl was trouble.

I've proven I can succeed in the real world. Now, how do I get there?

If all the world's a stage, America is the shiny vertical pole in the middle.

If America didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent it. That's the chief difference between America and Canada.

If brevity is the soul of wit, why does it have more syllables?

If charity begins at home, I bet I know in which room.

If Dr. Moreau had owned a vacuum cleaner, he'd probably be alive today.

If I can be with the one I love, is it still OK to love the one I'm with?

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have killed a lot more people.

If life is a box of chocolates, that probably explains all the farting.

If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you're probably wasting your time.

If they're fake boobs, is it really pornography?

If you want to read the fortune, you've got to break the cookie.

If you're a vegetarian, should you eat carnivorous plants?

If you're looking for heroes, the Greek deli is down the street.

If you're not scared or angry at the thought of a human brain being controlled remotely, then it could be this prototype of mine is finally starting to work.

In France, one does not refer to nursing home residents as 'vegetables.' They're 'legumes.'

In the land of the blonde, the man with one brain hemisphere is king.

Is it really fair to classify sloth as one of the seven deadly sins, when being slothful can actually help prevent the other six?

It can change every ten minutes, and still be eternal truth.

It's a good thing the local McDonalds has that big 'God Bless America' banner, otherwise I'd probably buy my burgers and fries at the Al Qaeda's across the street.

It's not a matter of principle, it's a principle of matter.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's why you think there's a game.

It's said that a woman must do a thing twice as well as a man to be considered half as good. And I bet I know what that thing is.

It's true you can't go home again, although evidently your relatives can come to your home as often as they want.

Just because women say they want men to talk about their innermost desires, doesn't mean women actually want men to get their innermost desires.

Just because you can't decrypt the cipher doesn't mean there's something wrong with the code.

Like 'theatre' and 'theater,' 'cosmic' and 'comics' are just alternative spellings of the same word.

My wife has a sex drive. The problem is, she also has a sex park, a sex neutral, and a sex reverse.

My wife told me 'I need you like the desert needs the rain. Once, maybe twice a year, for no more than twenty minutes.'

Never laugh at a clown with a gun? Shouldn't that be, always laugh at a clown with a gun?

No guts, no gory.

No hurry- take all the time you have.

'None of us is as smart as all of us?' Isn't that the whole problem?

Note to self: work on being less note-to-selfish.

Nothing reminds a person of their own mortality like being killed.

One question I have for homeless people: Who doesn't work for food?

People ask if it's possible to find love after age 40. The answer is yes; you just have to reach your hand down a little lower.

People who live in houses made of antimatter probably shouldn't throw stones either.

Rather than giveth and taketh away, maybe it would be best for all concerned if the Lord just held on to it.

Remember, scientists who say we only use one tenth of our brains are only using one tenth of their brains when they say this.

Remember, Socrates was killed by a committee. So it's not like committees are totally useless.

Scaling doesn't scale.

Science is not an exact science.

Sooner or later, most of us die from complications of being ourselves.

St. Genesius is the patron saint of clowns and lawyers. Clearly, the Lord doesn’t always work in mysterious ways.

Technically speaking, the only things necessary for the triumph of evil are evil and triumph.

That there's a time and a place for everything in no way implies that the two intersect.

The bigger they come, the harder they fall on you.

The danger in seeking to force our beliefs on others isn't that they may someday force their beliefs on us; it's that they may someday force our beliefs on us.

The fact that curiosity killed the cat isn't an argument for not being curious, it's an argument for not being a cat.

The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you're not permitted to bring a weapon into a Government building.

The only way to win an election by a greater margin than Saddam Hussein in Iraq is to be a Democratic candidate in Chicago.

The pacifier changes, the sucking remains.

The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.

The size of a mind is inversely proportional to the amount of indignation that will fit inside it.

The Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.

(T)he two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen, and quotes about hydrogen and stupidity.

There are no menial jobs. But you're welcome to check back next month.

They can't pull the rug out from under you if you're already lying on the floor.

They say power corrupts, but most of the time it's actually faulty storage media.

Thomas Wolfe was wrong- you can go home again. For example, if you forget to wear pants to work.

Those who cannot remember the past are invited to come over to my place.

To build character, use a 4D printer.

Wait a minute. Isn't the glass half empty and half full?

When choosing between two evils, be advised: if you use the 'eeny- meeny-miny-mo' method, you'll always end up with the second one.

When he tells you, 'I love you more than life itself,' make sure he's not saying he'd rather be married to you than have a life.

When Jesus told us to love one another, He never said we had to like it.

When two secrets contradict each other, believe them both.

When William of Ockham stated his famous principle 'Ockham's Razor' in his book Summa Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to say it.

Whenever one orifice closes, another opens.

Where I come from, being bisexual means using both hands.

Whoever said 'Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting' obviously never licked one.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first grant security clearances.

Why can't things be like they weren't?

Why did I get married? Well, I wasn't getting any sex, and I wasn't making a woman happy, so I figured: why not make it official?

Why does a woman want a man who's 'not afraid to cry?' Probably so she can know for sure that the torture is working.

Win The War, On Drugs (bumper sticker)

With great power comes great denial of responsibility.

You can't fool enough of the people enough of the time.

You could do worse than have the CIA infiltrate and control Third World peasant cooperatives. For example, the CIA could infiltrate and control Third World peasant cooperatives, and make all the peasants wear clown suits.


(January 16 is also the birthday of Susan Sontag)

Categories: Covert Comic, Quotes of the day


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