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The glorious return of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert
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Published Tuesday, July 19, 2016 @ 3:58 AM EDT
Jul 19 2016

This already abysmal election season has been made even more intolerable by the absemce of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert the character, not to be confused with the Stephen Colbert who took over The Late Show from David Letterman.

But last night on CBS, we were given a bit of a reprieve as Colbert pulled out all the stops:


Categories: Jon Stewart, Republicans, Stephen Colbert


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Exchange of the day
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Published Wednesday, April 23, 2014 @ 9:59 AM EDT
Apr 23 2014

Conservative pundit and author George Will was plugging his new book about Wrigley Field on The Colbert Report last night, and jokingly made the claim that the Chicago Cubs won the Cold War.

George Will: In 1919, William Wrigley bought Catalina Island off Southern California. In 1921 the Cubs began to do spring training there. In 1937 a Des Moines, Iowa radio broadcaster named Dutch Reagan decided he would go out and cover spring training for his radio station. He took a movie test with Warner Brothers, became an actor, became President of the United States, and won the Cold War... therefore, the Cubs get credit for winning the Cold War.

Stephen Colbert: By that same logic, did not the Chicago Cubs also sell arms to Iran?


Categories: Colbert Report, Exchange of the day, George F. Will, Politics, Sports, Stephen Colbert


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Observation of the day
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Published Friday, December 20, 2013 @ 9:48 AM EST
Dec 20 2013

So we're dealing with the "free speech" stuff again.

The First Amendment says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

The First Amendment guarantees that the government can't control your speech.

It doesn't guarantee you freedom from the consequences of your speech.

The government won't punish you for posting on Facebook that your wife's new Christmas dress makes her ass look fat.

It doesn't have to.

>

"I'll tell you who I feel sorry for, folks... A&E. With this controversy, they may have just lost Duck Dynasty's massive black and gay audience."
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, KGB Opinion, Observations, Stephen Colbert, Video


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Observation of the day
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Published Thursday, September 05, 2013 @ 4:58 PM EDT
Sep 05 2013


Categories: Colbert Report, Observations, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, June 21, 2013 @ 7:35 AM EDT
Jun 21 2013

A new study says 70 percent of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk to your doctor about Cymbalta.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Goodbye...
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Published Thursday, June 20, 2013 @ 7:24 AM EDT
Jun 20 2013

Stephen Colbert honors his late mother.


Categories: Colbert Report, Passages, Stephen Colbert, Video


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Quotes of the day: Stephen Colbert
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Published Monday, May 13, 2013 @ 6:29 AM EDT
May 13 2013

Stephen Tyrone Colbert (b. May 13, 1964) is an American political satirist, writer, comedian, television host, and actor. He is the host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, a satirical news show in which Colbert portrays a caricatured version of conservative political pundits. (Click for full Wikipedia article.)

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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Any religion whose messiah's name isn't recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit to stupidity.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self- imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Equations are the devil's sentences.

I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.

I can't prove it, but I can say it.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal relying on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that, everything that makes me a unique human being, is still out there, somewhere, safe in the theoretical storage space owned by giant multi-national corporations.

I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. Through repetition, something becomes true, if you repeat it enough until it becomes true. Do I need to repeat that for you?

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Reality has a well-known liberal bias.

Reporting the facts can change the course of history. Then again, so can Wikipedia.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time.

You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner.


Categories: Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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But somebody has to do it...
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Published Sunday, May 12, 2013 @ 6:20 AM EDT
May 12 2013

Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Mothers, Observations, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Learn stuff, indeed...
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Published Monday, October 01, 2012 @ 7:31 AM EDT
Oct 01 2012

Thanks to Hannah Edwards of LearnStuff.com for pointing out a bad link in a post containing a video from Comedy Central's The Colbert Report.

The clip itself displays correctly; the error was in the code of the html "border" Comedy Central wrapped around the video. When Comedy Central redesigned its assorted sites a while back, it somehow mananged to properly retain the links to thousands of videos files, but screwed up the URLs to its main pages.

This isn't a problem any more- I routinely remove any extraneous material around the videos I embed here, and I also fix dead links on old pages whenever I encounter them. But with 1,900 pages dating back a decade or more, I really don't go looking for them. Thus, I'm appreciative when someone takes the time to point them out.

You can check out LearnStuff.com's article on The Colbert Report here.


Categories: KGB Blog News, learnstuff.com, Stephen Colbert


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Real fake news is better than fake real news...
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Published Wednesday, September 05, 2012 @ 7:37 AM EDT
Sep 05 2012

... and today's youth know the difference...


Categories: Barack Obama, CNN, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Fox News, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, MSNBC, Politics, Stephen Colbert


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Quotes of the day: RNC edition
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Published Friday, August 31, 2012 @ 10:22 AM EDT
Aug 31 2012

I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president.
-Clint Eastwood, endorsing Harvard Law grad Romney.

We're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.
-Neil Newhouse, Romney Campaign official pollster

‎"A Party too patriotic for facts... a candidate too successful for taxes... a city where flip-flops are eveningwear... from Tampa, Florida, this is The Republican National Convention..." -The Daily Show opening, 8/30/2012

I once got drunk and screamed at a couch for 15 minutes. But it wasn't televised.
-Elayne Boosler

Clint Eastwood's RNC speech was to imaginary Obama in an empty chair. I'm drafting a DNC speech to imaginary Romney in an empty factory.
-George Takei

Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that if you believe him, you are a dope.
-Stephen Colbert

Warning: if you have a heart condition or are pregnant you should not watch. Not because of the excitement, but because you probably won't like the Republican positions on health care and reproductive rights.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Clint Eastwood, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Elayne Boosler, George Takei, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
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Published Wednesday, April 11, 2012 @ 9:58 AM EDT
Apr 11 2012

Thirty percent of online traffic is porn, according to The New England Journal of Underestimating Things.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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The Barack Obama Gun Control Conspiracy
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Published Thursday, March 29, 2012 @ 2:05 AM EDT
Mar 29 2012

The fear of not being able to buy guns during a second Obama term leads to Americans buying so many guns that now they can't buy any guns, just like they feared.

(Colbert Report video.)


Categories: Colbert Report, Politics, Second Amendment, Stephen Colbert


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, March 03, 2012 @ 12:02 AM EST
Mar 03 2012

Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren’t handed a ticket to Harvard by being the bi-racial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice.
–Stephen Colbert

It's being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control.
–Conan O'Brien

Today, in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people then pointed out that they live in Detroit. And he's Mitt Romney.
–Conan O’Brien

I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that electoral college is not for everyone. Not everyone needs to go the electoral college.
–Jay Leno

Other countries care for their mentally ill. We're not doing them any favors by giving them radio shows.
-Andy Borowitz

As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.
–Conan O'Brien

Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic- that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.
–Jay Leno


Categories: Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert


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This is no joke. This is what the Supreme Court did to U.S. elections.
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Published Friday, January 13, 2012 @ 7:06 AM EST
Jan 13 2012

As Dave Barry would say, You Cannot Make Up This Stuff.

(Colbert Report video: Think Citizens United was a joke? You have no idea...)

"Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, 558 U.S. 08-205 (2010), 558 U.S. ––––, 130 S.Ct. 876 (January 21, 2010), was a landmark decision by the United States Supreme Court holding that the First Amendment prohibits government from placing limits on independent spending for political purposes by corporations and unions. The 5–4 decision originated in a dispute over whether the non-profit corporation Citizens United could air a film critical of Hillary Clinton, and whether the group could advertise the film in broadcast ads featuring Clinton's image, in apparent violation of the 2002 Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act, commonly known as the McCain–Feingold Act in reference to its primary Senate sponsors."
-Wikipedia

By giving corporations First Amendment rights and removing limits on donation size, the Court, in the words of President Obama, "gives the special interests and their lobbyists even more power in Washington- while undermining the influence of average Americans who make small contributions to support their preferred candidates," and "strikes at our democracy itself."

The clip above is simultaneously hilarious, enlightening, and depressing. It's an accurate depiction of how SuperPACs work- although the transfer "ceremony" is optional- and reveals how the Supreme Court gave coporations a blank check.

And, depressingly, it's real. This is what a conservative Supreme Court has done to our election process.


Categories: Colbert Report, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court, Video, WTF?


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Newt's big ideas
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Published Wednesday, December 14, 2011 @ 11:55 PM EST
Dec 14 2011

"His plan to fix America is for black kids to start cleaning toilets?"

(Daily Show video: Larry Wilmore analyzes Newtspeak.)

"I didn't know there was a black poverty, Jon, I thought it was just poverty. Okay? We can't even be poor as good as you guys?

"Somehow when black people are poor, it's their fault. They're on welfare and lazy. But down in poor white Appalachia, you're not the problem. It's China's fault or India's fault, or all the money we're spending on black people on welfare. I'm sorry- inner-city government subsidy recipients."

But the trophy goes to The Colbert Report, which reveals the true source of Newt's most audacious ideas:

(Colbert Report video: Stephen discovers Newt's true alter ego.)


Categories: Colbert Report, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
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Published Saturday, October 08, 2011 @ 11:51 AM EDT
Oct 08 2011

Republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4 am barroom pickup: he has a pulse and no visible cold sores.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, September 17, 2011 @ 4:17 AM EDT
Sep 17 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
-Jay Leno

President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in second place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.
-Conan O'Brien

A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.
-Conan O'Brien

A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them.
-Jimmy Kimmel

If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.
-Jimmy Kimmel

People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.
-Jimmy Fallon

Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'
-Conan O'Brien

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
-Conan O'Brien

Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.
-Jay Leno

There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.
-Jay Leno

President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for.
-Jimmy Kimmel

My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else.
-Stephen Colbert

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
-Craig Ferguson

President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'
-Conan O'Brien

A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'
-Conan O'Brien

In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.
-Conan O'Brien

Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president.
-Jay Leno

Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.
-Jay Leno

If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president.
-Jimmy Fallon

His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …
-Jimmy Fallon

Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.
-Jay Leno

Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents?'
-Jay Leno

In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the 'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.
-Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.
-Craig Ferguson

Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.
-Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing.
-David Letterman

They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
-David Letterman

I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
-David Letterman

You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV.
-David Letterman

Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.
-David Letterman

Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'
-Conan O'Brien

Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.
-Conan O'Brien

Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'
-Jay Leno

Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?
-Jay Leno

Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.
-Jay Leno

Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.
-Jay Leno

According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.
-Jay Leno

The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped.
-Jimmy Fallon


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Founding Fathers, Star Wars, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, September 10, 2011 @ 6:54 AM EDT
Sep 10 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

(YouTube video: The Republican debate in 45 seconds.)

The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house.
-Conan O'Brien

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.
-Conan O'Brien

The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks.
-Conan O'Brien

To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.
-Conan O'Brien

In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.
-Conan O'Brien

Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin.
-David Letterman

The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.
-David Letterman

Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses three more points she goes on 'Dancing with the Stars.'
-David Letterman

Homeland Security is saying you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel. I just hope they don’t stop wanding my inner thighs.
-David Letterman

During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type two diabetes.
-Jimmy Kimmel

This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?
-Jimmy Kimmel

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."
-Jay Leno

Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, "You've got to be kidding me!"
–Jimmy Fallon

Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another five years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Animals, Craig Ferguson, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert, WTF?


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Political jokes of the week
(permalink)

Published Saturday, August 20, 2011 @ 12:22 AM EDT
Aug 20 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China. USA! USA!
-Conan O'Brien

Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house.
-Conan O'Brien

Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she'll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.
-Conan O'Brien

A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it's going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He's like the Sarah Palin of politics.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He's got that everyman quality that we can all relate to.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they're letting him run in front. Because he's the one with the gun.
-Stephen Colbert

There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration.
-Stephen Colbert

It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'
-Jon Stewart

Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'
-Conan O'Brien

The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.
-Conan O'Brien

Newt Gingrich, who came in eighth place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'
-Conan O'Brien

A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama's bus caravan, calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from the President of the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama's new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'
-Jon Stewart

Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is.
-Conan O'Brien

Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.
-Conan O'Brien

The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.
-Conan O'Brien

Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It's funny that someone who doesn't believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter.
-Stephen Colbert

In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.
-Stephen Colbert

Michele Bachmann's victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket- by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis.
-Stephen Colbert

He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!
-Jon Stewart

If all of Jon Huntsman's supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, 'yeah, that's fine, there are some more seats in the back.'
-Jon Stewart

Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.
-Jay Leno

President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.
-Jay Leno

The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch.
-Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He's still in the race.
-Jay Leno

It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th.
-Jay Leno

General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'
-Jay Leno

A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'
-Conan O'Brien

Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.
-Conan O'Brien

President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money.
-Jimmy Fallon

After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.
-Jimmy Fallon

During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.
-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.
-Stephen Colbert

We need God's forgiveness- or at least China's.
-Stephen Colbert

It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds.
-Jay Leno


Categories: Church and State, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert


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More evidence for The KGB Batsh*t Constant
(permalink)

Published Thursday, August 11, 2011 @ 8:12 AM EDT
Aug 11 2011

Mormons believe Joseph Smith received golden plates from an angel on a hill, when everybody knows Moses got stone tablets from a burning bush on a mountain.

(Video: "Yaweh or No Way" - The Colbert Report)

"Only 71% approve of God's handling of creating the universe. That means for 29%, the infinite and unknowable everything isn't cutting' it." Which lends further credence to The KGB Batsh*t Constant.


Categories: Colbert Report, KGB, Stephen Colbert


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, July 02, 2011 @ 7:51 AM EDT
Jul 02 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Michele Bachmann is kind of like Sarah Palin but without the charisma- or marksmanship. You know, maybe we should stop telling kids that anyone can grow up to be president of the United States.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Bachmann didn't know John Wayne Gacy was from her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. The town is about the size of the Wayans family.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The next-most famous person from that town is the guy that grew the biggest pumpkin at the town fair.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, 'What's the difference between 'reply' and 'reply all?'
-Conan O'Brien

Sarah and Bristol Palin made an appearance at a book store. Apparently, it was 'Bring Your Daughter to a Place You Never Go Day.'
-Conan O'Brien

Newt Gingrich is entering the hotdog-eating contest at Coney Island. He hopes to win because he needs the money to pay his Tiffany's bill.
-David Letterman

The Pope is now on Twitter. The church is really trying to connect with young people- in a way that doesn't involve hush money.
-David Letterman

Chris Wallace at Fox News asked Michele Bachmann if she is a flake. I think that's an insult to the fine folks at Kellogg's.
-David Letterman

Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict. Apparently, he wasn't paying attention during the trial.
-David Letterman

She announced her presidency from Waterloo- a name synonymous with victory.
-Stephen Colbert on Michele Bachmann's Iowa campaign launch


Categories: Stephen Colbert


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The stupid, it hurts.
(permalink)

Published Monday, June 06, 2011 @ 4:10 PM EDT
Jun 06 2011


(Clip via Comedy Central)

"I could not have said a random string of words better."-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert, Video, WTF?, YouTube


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Quote of the day
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Published Sunday, June 05, 2011 @ 2:46 PM EDT
Jun 05 2011

‎I see only two options here. Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his crotch to keep track, or "certitude" is his nickname for his penis.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
(permalink)

Published Friday, June 03, 2011 @ 11:41 AM EDT
Jun 03 2011

That's right, al-Qaeda had better benefits than Wal Mart. Although at Wal Mart, you get to wear your vest more than once.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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