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Black Widow slays, Covid surges, Delta to Lambda, Domino's secrets, don't Mr. Clean your teeth
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Published Tuesday, July 13, 2021 @ 12:25 AM EDT
Jul 13 2021

'Black Widow' Stunner: Disney's streaming revenue reveal may be game-changer. It takes something really major to get me into a movie theater these days.

It may sound strange, given a year of panic over school closures and reopenings, a year of masking toddlers and closing playgrounds and huddling in pandemic pods, that among children the mortality risk from COVID-19 is actually lower than from the flu.

Six fully vaccinated people who attended an outdoor wedding caught the Delta variant, but people with Pfizer and Moderna shots survived, study says.

FDA adds warning about rare reaction to J&J COVID-19 vaccine.

The 'Lambda' variant is now found in 29 countries. Here's what we know about it. Lambda? What about Epsilon through Kappa?

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From Crazytown:

Fox News hosts smear Covid vaccine, despite outbreaks among unvaccinated.

With Covid surging, GOP members continue to discourage vaccination. (Video)

Don Jr. bombs at CPAC as crowd cheers low vaccination rates: A Closer Look. (Video)

Neighbors see Trump waiting by mailbox for reinstatement notice. "When the mail truck comes, he gets this excited look on his face." (Satire: Andy Borowitz)

Student charged with putting Hitler quote in school yearbook.

Allen Weisselberg removed as officer of Trump Organization subsidiaries.

A new and rapidly growing Christian movement is openly political, wants a nation under God's authority, and is central to Donald Trump's GOP. They forget about that pesky U.S. Constitution: "...no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States." (Article VI, paragraph 3). It's the only place in the entire Constitution where the word "ever" appears, so the founders were pretty clear on their intent, no?

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KGB's daily agglomeration of stuff I find interesting:

Among other things, today is

On this date:

Birthdays

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Miscellany

Can mankind be unified by an extra-terrestrial threat? The reaction to Covid has shown that the 'unity through crises' model of the global ruling class has backfired. Moot point. Any advanced civilizations monitoring us know to avoid us.

Duh. TikTok trend of whitening teeth with Mr. Clean Magic Eraser is not safe, dentists say.

8 secrets Domino's doesn't want you to know.

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Categories: Allen Weisselberg, Black Widow, Christians, Covid-19, Donald Trump, Fox News, Marvel, Republicans, Seth Meyers, Stephen Colbert


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Shark week, rich guys in space, fake news, divinely empowered entities immune from laws
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Published Monday, July 12, 2021 @ 12:00 AM EDT
Jul 12 2021

In case you missed it, a play-by-play of the Virgin Galactic flight hosted by Stephen Colbert.

This pizza chain owner who pays $16 an hour says there's no labor shortage, just a shortage of businesses willing to pay a decent wage. "If you aren't paying your employees enough to cover basic survival costs, what possible incentive could a person have to take that job?"

Last week's fake news: Graphene in vaccines, fake delta variant, kneeling Biden, veteran snub...

How did my phone number end up for sale on a US database? Ah, the wonders of technology. And social media.

Infections rise in 42 states; Fauci says it's 'horrifying' to see people cheer lack of vaccinations.

Cold weather virus in summer baffles docs, worries parents. RSV, or respiratory syncytial virus, is a common cause of cold-like symptoms but can be serious for infants and the elderly. Cases dropped dramatically last year, with people staying home and social distancing, but began cropping up as pandemic restrictions eased.

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From Crazytown:

Trump on Jan. 6 insurrection: 'These were great people'.

Trump wins 2024 CPAC straw poll With 70 percent. (Video)

A seven point plan to reinstate Donald Trump as president 'in days, not years' was handed out at CPAC. It's insane, but constitutional. Sort of.

A Pennsylvania woman who allegedly stormed the Capitol and told a police officer to "bring Nancy Pelosi out here now... we want to hang that f***ing bitch" has filed court documents claiming to be a divinely empowered entity immune from laws.

"F--k him": Rupert Murdoch reportedly made the call to bury Trump's election night dreams in a shallow grave.

Heineken suffers Twitter boycott from anti-vaxxers over disco-themed pro-vaccination ad.

Trump sues eighty-one million voters for banning him from White House.(Satire: Andy Borowitz)

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KGB's daily agglomeration of stuff I find interesting:

This is Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. (Video)

Among other things, today is

On this date:

  • 1804 - Former United States Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton died after being shot in a pistol duel by Vice President Aaron Burr
  • 1862 - The Medal of Honor was authorized by the United States Congress.
  • 1906 - Alfred Dreyfus was found innocent in France
  • 1909 - Congress passed The Sixteenth Amendment (Amendment XVI) to the United States Constitution allowing it to levy an income tax without apportioning it among the states on the basis of population.
  • 1940 - Frederick McKinley Jones received a patent for an air conditioning unit for trucks carrying perishable goods. He later co-founded Thermo King
  • 1960 - The Etch a Sketch toy was introduced, selling for $2.99
  • 1972 - Democrats nominated George McGovern for US president in Miami, Florida
  • 1973 - A fire destroyed the entire sixth floor of the National Personnel Records Center of the United States near St. Louis, MO.
  • 1976 - First "Family Feud" game show debuted on ABC hosted by Richard Dawson (Video)
  • 1979 - "Disco Demolition Night" at Comiskey Park: fans riot destroying disco records and causing the Chicago White Sox to forfeit the second game of a double header to the Detroit Tigers
  • 1984 - Geraldine Ferraro became the first US female major-party vice-presidential candidate, after Walter Mondale selected her as his Democratic Party running mate

Birthdays

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Miscellany

Unopened Legend of Zelda game from 1987 sells for $870,000.

Giant pandas are no longer endangered, thanks to conservation efforts, China says. But they're still "vulnerable."

Colby would be official Wisconsin cheese under bill.

Holding up on that wake-up coffee until the cortisol wears off...

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Categories: Covid-19, Donald Trump, Fact check, Fox News, January 6, Medicine, Richard Branson, Rupert Murdoch, Shark Week, Social Media, Stephen Colbert, Unemployment, Virgin Galactic


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It's getting weird out there...
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Published Saturday, June 06, 2020 @ 10:44 AM EDT
Jun 06 2020

Signs of the Apocalypse, #912: I'm not a believer in conspiracy theories or biblical prophecies, but I have to admit this caught my attention:

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Oregon Police Caught On Video Collaborating With Armed White Extremists

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Washington, DC Mayor Mayor Muriel E. Bowser renamed a street in front of the White House “Black Lives Matter Plaza” and had the slogan painted on the asphalt in massive yellow letters, a pointed salvo in her escalating dispute with President Trump over control of D.C. streets.

So Trump now lives at 1600 Black Lives Matter Plaza (that's the White House on the far right).

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Colbert scores again. (Video)


Categories: Black Lives Matter, Dolly Parton, Muriel E. Bowser, Revelations, Signs of the Apocalypse, Stephen Colbert, Twitter, Video, Washington, DC, YouTube


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Facebook censorship, vaccines, Trump v everybody, Social Security, SCOTUS, the shopping cart theory
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Published Wednesday, May 13, 2020 @ 12:00 AM EDT
May 13 2020

Forward our URL to a friend. They can subscribe here.

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Before commencing the usual daily festivities:

Senseless censorship:

For the past few months, Facebook's "community standards" scanner has been periodically stopping my KGB Report newsfeed on the social network and, most recently, prohibiting me from posting anything at all, including to my personal account. This was particularly irritating, since I couldn't respond to comments or even use Facebook Messenger. My guess is they've grown sensitive to criticisms about some of the conspiracy, white supremacy and other nut job postings, so they've turned their post-scanning censor software up to 11. For example, if you post a meme that contains a photo of a swastika, the words "hoax", "5G", or some other conspiracy/coronavirus-type reference, you'll get suspended for "activities... that don't comply with Facebook policies."

This posting in February got me kicked off for a week. Facebook labeled it "Hate Speech":


I still don't know who was being hated upon: the men or the dog. I had posted it a year earlier without incident. I guess Facebook is getting touchier as it gets older.

The current offense in question was shared from another page which, incidentally, is still up and running. This image is also all over Twitter as well:

Just a few hours after the expiration of my latest suspension, this appeared on my page last night:

I have no idea what I did to deserve this. It doesn't reference a specific post, so I have no way of knowing what "didn't comply with Facebook policies." Does Andy Borowitz or The Onion have this problem?

See the box that says "Disagree With Decision"? It used to be that you could appeal and a human would review it, and generally you'd get an "oops" and the post would be restored. But now you get the message:

So the strike remains on your record, and there's no way to remove it. And then you get this, should you happen to stumble across the "Page Quality" tab, which is hidden under a "More" button on the administration page:

As A.J. Liebling wrote in The New Yorker in 1960, "Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one." With the Internet, everyone owns a personal electronic printing press. The trick is getting people to read it. On Facebook, KGB Report has over 10,000 followers. The KGB Report blog has -ahem- somewhat less.

If you read and enjoy the blog, spread the word. If you're receiving the email version, forward it to a friend or five. If you're reading it on the website, please copy our url (https://www.kgbreport.com) and pass it along.

Maybe this is what got me the boot. Do not taunt The Zuck, I guess:

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Today is Wednesday, May 13, the 134th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 232 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is Cough Drop Day, Donate a Day's Wages to Charity Day, Frog Jumping Day, International Hummus Day, International Receptionists' Day, National Apple Pie Day, National Fruit Cocktail Day, National Leprechaun Day, National Root Canal Appreciation Day, National Third Shift Workers Day, Top Gun Day, World Cocktail Day, and World FM Day.

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Remembering Bea Arthur (May 13, 1922 - April 25, 2009) (Video)

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Harvey Keitel is 81 today. (Video)

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Remembering Mary Wells (May 13, 1943 - July 26, 1992). (Video)

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Little Stevie Wonder is 70 today. (Video)

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Remembering Ritchie Valens (May 13, 1941 - February 3, 1959). (Video)

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Stephen Colbert is 56 today. (Video)

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Listen to the audio- Supreme Court oral argument: President Trump's financial records. Justice Elena Kagan told Trump lawyer Jay Sekulow a "fundamental precept of our constitutional order is that the president is not above the law." Chief Justice John Roberts asked Trump lawyer Patrick Strawbridge: "Do you concede any power in the House to subpoena personal papers of the president?" The Trump attorney said it was “difficult to imagine” a situation in which that would be justified. However, in 1974 the justices acted unanimously in requiring President Nixon to turn over White House tapes to the Watergate special prosecutor. And in 1997, another unanimous decision allowed a sexual harassment lawsuit to proceed against President Clinton. In those cases, three Nixon appointees and two Clinton appointees, respectively, voted against the president who chose them. Ginsburg and Breyer were those Clinton appointees. The New York Times story is here.

Related: I've seen Trump's tax returns and you should, too: "If all of this information from Trump's taxes, bankers and accountants was good enough for me over a decade ago, it's certainly good enough for Congress and the Manhattan district attorney today."

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Unreleased White House report shows coronavirus rates spiking in heartland communities. Trump's claim that cases are falling everywhere is contradicted by his own task force's report... showing the virus spreading far from the coasts.

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Reopening America... "...daring Mother Nature to kill you or someone you love...Mother Nature bats last, and she bats a thousand."

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Credit where credit's due... The four men responsible for America's COVID-19 test disaster..

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Fact check: McConnell claims Obama didn't leave Trump a pandemic 'game plan.' Obama left a 69-page playbook.

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Mall optometrist Rand Paul doesn't know why Dr. Fauci thinks he's such an 'expert' on pandemics.

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Developing a COVID-19 vaccine quickly is possible... but not without risks and some ethical rationalizations. (Video)

Related: Let's say there's a COVID-19 vaccine—who gets it first? An immunization shot is still in development, but debate over who gets priority has already begun.

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Broadway theaters will remain dark at least through Labor Day. The closed productions will offer refunds or exchanges to ticket holders through Labor Day.

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The filmed performance of the blockbuster Broadway musical "Hamilton" is coming to Disney+ a year earlier than anticipated, just in time for Fourth of July festivities. Disney paid $75 million for the worldwide rights in February and had set a theatrical release date of fall 2021. But with the pandemic shuttering so many cinemas and theaters worldwide, Disney is clearly betting on its hugely successful streaming service (which just surpassed 50 million subscribers) to recoup its investment.

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Our weird behavior during the pandemic is messing with Artificial Intelligence models. (Video)

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Judge invites outside parties to weigh in on Flynn case, delaying DOJ effort to drop charges. The judge, a Clinton appointee, still needs to approve the DOJ's motion to drop the charges. He has yet to schedule a hearing or ask for further briefing.

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Clarence Thomas wants to shrink your free speech rights- unless you're a rich donor.

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Thoughts of the day:

There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect.
-G.K. Chesterton

Some call the adage "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" a cliché. Others call it practice.
-Variously attributed

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
-Emo Philips

There is no happiness for people at the expense of other people.
-Anwar Sadat

I am truly horrified by modern man. Such absence of feeling, such narrowness of outlook, such lack of passion and information, such feebleness of thought.
-Alexander Herzen

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race.
P.J. O'Rourke-

The smartest thing ever said on the Internet: "Laws are just stories we tell poor people."
-Variously attributed

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Social Security beneficiaries might not receive much of a cost-of-living adjustment next year- and some say recipients might not get anything at all.

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Things are really rough out there. Please consider donating to Feeding America.


Categories: AI, Anthony Fauci, Artificial Intelligence, Barack Obama, Bea Arthur, Broadway, Censorship, Clarence Thomas, Covid-19, Disney+, Donald Trump, Facebook, Hamilton (musical), Harvey Keitel, Michael Flynn, Mitch McConnell, Ritchie Valens, SciShow, SCOTUS, Social Security, Sonia Sotomayor, Stephen Colbert, Stevie Wonder, Video, YouTube


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Mid-Day Memes & Miscellany
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Published Wednesday, May 06, 2020 @ 10:13 AM EDT
May 06 2020


(from The Late Show with Stephen Colbert)

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Categories: Covid-19, Donald Trump, George Orwell, Mid-Day Memes & Miscellany, Murder Hornet, Stephen Colbert


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Please, just make it stop
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Published Thursday, April 26, 2018 @ 8:25 AM EDT
Apr 26 2018

For the past 15 months, the monologues of late night television comedians has been full of almost nothing but jokes about Trump and his administration.

An argument can be made for this situation. As Saul Alinsky said, "Humor is essential to a successful tactician, for the most potent weapons known to mankind are satire and ridicule."

But those weapons are not especially effective against Trump. He's been the object of satire and ridicule for the past three decades, and he seems to thrive on it. Even those who voted for him grudgingly acknowledge he's a bozo.

Also, the jokes are just too easy. The punchlines for Trump's public statements are obvious, like mittens pinned to the sleeves of a child's jacket.

Stephen Colbert, the most prolific Trump basher, now has the highest ratings of any late night show. I attribute this to his audience's revenge fantasies. In the late late night category, Seth Meyers has dominated with routines that are funny but emphasize the seriousness and absurdity of our country's situation. Consider:

Politcal satire is nothing new. Its modern form pioneer was Mort Sahl, whom television host Steve Allen said was "the only real political philosopher we have in modern comedy." His social satire performances broke new ground in live entertainment, as a stand-up comic talking about the real world of politics in the 1950s and 1960s was considered "revolutionary." Instead of obvious, rapid-fire cheap shots, Sahl's routines were thoughtful, which made the satire even more biting:

I suspect many are like me: victims of "Trump fatigue."

Please. Mueller, Congress, somebody... just make it stop. This isn't funny anymore.

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KGB Report on the web will return on Monday. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent updates.


Categories: Donald Trump, Mort Sahl, Seth Meyers, Stephen Colbert, Steve Allen


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The glorious return of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert
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Published Tuesday, July 19, 2016 @ 3:58 AM EDT
Jul 19 2016

This already abysmal election season has been made even more intolerable by the absemce of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert the character, not to be confused with the Stephen Colbert who took over The Late Show from David Letterman.

But last night on CBS, we were given a bit of a reprieve as Colbert pulled out all the stops:


Categories: Jon Stewart, Republicans, Stephen Colbert


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Exchange of the day
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Published Wednesday, April 23, 2014 @ 9:59 AM EDT
Apr 23 2014

Conservative pundit and author George Will was plugging his new book about Wrigley Field on The Colbert Report last night, and jokingly made the claim that the Chicago Cubs won the Cold War.

George Will: In 1919, William Wrigley bought Catalina Island off Southern California. In 1921 the Cubs began to do spring training there. In 1937 a Des Moines, Iowa radio broadcaster named Dutch Reagan decided he would go out and cover spring training for his radio station. He took a movie test with Warner Brothers, became an actor, became President of the United States, and won the Cold War... therefore, the Cubs get credit for winning the Cold War.

Stephen Colbert: By that same logic, did not the Chicago Cubs also sell arms to Iran?


Categories: Colbert Report, Exchange of the day, George F. Will, Politics, Sports, Stephen Colbert


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Observation of the day
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Published Friday, December 20, 2013 @ 9:48 AM EST
Dec 20 2013

So we're dealing with the "free speech" stuff again.

The First Amendment says:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

The First Amendment guarantees that the government can't control your speech.

It doesn't guarantee you freedom from the consequences of your speech.

The government won't punish you for posting on Facebook that your wife's new Christmas dress makes her ass look fat.

It doesn't have to.

>

"I'll tell you who I feel sorry for, folks... A&E. With this controversy, they may have just lost Duck Dynasty's massive black and gay audience."
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, KGB Opinion, Observations, Stephen Colbert, Video


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Observation of the day
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Published Thursday, September 05, 2013 @ 4:58 PM EDT
Sep 05 2013


Categories: Colbert Report, Observations, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, June 21, 2013 @ 7:35 AM EDT
Jun 21 2013

A new study says 70 percent of Americans are on prescription drugs. If you find that number depressing, talk to your doctor about Cymbalta.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Goodbye...
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Published Thursday, June 20, 2013 @ 7:24 AM EDT
Jun 20 2013

Stephen Colbert honors his late mother.


Categories: Colbert Report, Passages, Stephen Colbert, Video


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Quotes of the day: Stephen Colbert
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Published Monday, May 13, 2013 @ 6:29 AM EDT
May 13 2013

Stephen Tyrone Colbert (b. May 13, 1964) is an American political satirist, writer, comedian, television host, and actor. He is the host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, a satirical news show in which Colbert portrays a caricatured version of conservative political pundits. (Click for full Wikipedia article.)

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Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Any religion whose messiah's name isn't recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit to stupidity.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self- imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Equations are the devil's sentences.

I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit.

I can't prove it, but I can say it.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal relying on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that, everything that makes me a unique human being, is still out there, somewhere, safe in the theoretical storage space owned by giant multi-national corporations.

I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

If you repeat it, it's true. If you repeat it, it's true. Through repetition, something becomes true, if you repeat it enough until it becomes true. Do I need to repeat that for you?

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Reality has a well-known liberal bias.

Reporting the facts can change the course of history. Then again, so can Wikipedia.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time.

You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner.


Categories: Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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But somebody has to do it...
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Published Sunday, May 12, 2013 @ 6:20 AM EDT
May 12 2013

Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Mothers, Observations, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Learn stuff, indeed...
(permalink)

Published Monday, October 01, 2012 @ 7:31 AM EDT
Oct 01 2012

Thanks to Hannah Edwards of LearnStuff.com for pointing out a bad link in a post containing a video from Comedy Central's The Colbert Report.

The clip itself displays correctly; the error was in the code of the html "border" Comedy Central wrapped around the video. When Comedy Central redesigned its assorted sites a while back, it somehow mananged to properly retain the links to thousands of videos files, but screwed up the URLs to its main pages.

This isn't a problem any more- I routinely remove any extraneous material around the videos I embed here, and I also fix dead links on old pages whenever I encounter them. But with 1,900 pages dating back a decade or more, I really don't go looking for them. Thus, I'm appreciative when someone takes the time to point them out.

You can check out LearnStuff.com's article on The Colbert Report here.


Categories: KGB Blog News, learnstuff.com, Stephen Colbert


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Real fake news is better than fake real news...
(permalink)

Published Wednesday, September 05, 2012 @ 7:37 AM EDT
Sep 05 2012

... and today's youth know the difference...


Categories: Barack Obama, CNN, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Fox News, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, MSNBC, Politics, Stephen Colbert


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Quotes of the day: RNC edition
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Published Friday, August 31, 2012 @ 10:22 AM EDT
Aug 31 2012

I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president.
-Clint Eastwood, endorsing Harvard Law grad Romney.

We're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers.
-Neil Newhouse, Romney Campaign official pollster

‎"A Party too patriotic for facts... a candidate too successful for taxes... a city where flip-flops are eveningwear... from Tampa, Florida, this is The Republican National Convention..." -The Daily Show opening, 8/30/2012

I once got drunk and screamed at a couch for 15 minutes. But it wasn't televised.
-Elayne Boosler

Clint Eastwood's RNC speech was to imaginary Obama in an empty chair. I'm drafting a DNC speech to imaginary Romney in an empty factory.
-George Takei

Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that if you believe him, you are a dope.
-Stephen Colbert

Warning: if you have a heart condition or are pregnant you should not watch. Not because of the excitement, but because you probably won't like the Republican positions on health care and reproductive rights.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Clint Eastwood, Colbert Report, Daily Show, Elayne Boosler, George Takei, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
(permalink)

Published Wednesday, April 11, 2012 @ 9:58 AM EDT
Apr 11 2012

Thirty percent of online traffic is porn, according to The New England Journal of Underestimating Things.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Colbert Report, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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The Barack Obama Gun Control Conspiracy
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Published Thursday, March 29, 2012 @ 2:05 AM EDT
Mar 29 2012

The fear of not being able to buy guns during a second Obama term leads to Americans buying so many guns that now they can't buy any guns, just like they feared.

(Colbert Report video.)


Categories: Colbert Report, Politics, Second Amendment, Stephen Colbert


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, March 03, 2012 @ 12:02 AM EST
Mar 03 2012

Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren’t handed a ticket to Harvard by being the bi-racial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice.
–Stephen Colbert

It's being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control.
–Conan O'Brien

Today, in a suburb of Detroit, Mitt Romney asked supporters to donate money to his campaign. Of course, the people then pointed out that they live in Detroit. And he's Mitt Romney.
–Conan O’Brien

I think Rick Santorum learned something yesterday. He learned that electoral college is not for everyone. Not everyone needs to go the electoral college.
–Jay Leno

Other countries care for their mentally ill. We're not doing them any favors by giving them radio shows.
-Andy Borowitz

As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.
–Conan O'Brien

Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic- that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.
–Jay Leno


Categories: Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert


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This is no joke. This is what the Supreme Court did to U.S. elections.
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Published Friday, January 13, 2012 @ 7:06 AM EST
Jan 13 2012

As Dave Barry would say, You Cannot Make Up This Stuff.

(Colbert Report video: Think Citizens United was a joke? You have no idea...)

"Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, 558 U.S. 08-205 (2010), 558 U.S. ––––, 130 S.Ct. 876 (January 21, 2010), was a landmark decision by the United States Supreme Court holding that the First Amendment prohibits government from placing limits on independent spending for political purposes by corporations and unions. The 5–4 decision originated in a dispute over whether the non-profit corporation Citizens United could air a film critical of Hillary Clinton, and whether the group could advertise the film in broadcast ads featuring Clinton's image, in apparent violation of the 2002 Bipartisan Campaign Reform Act, commonly known as the McCain–Feingold Act in reference to its primary Senate sponsors."
-Wikipedia

By giving corporations First Amendment rights and removing limits on donation size, the Court, in the words of President Obama, "gives the special interests and their lobbyists even more power in Washington- while undermining the influence of average Americans who make small contributions to support their preferred candidates," and "strikes at our democracy itself."

The clip above is simultaneously hilarious, enlightening, and depressing. It's an accurate depiction of how SuperPACs work- although the transfer "ceremony" is optional- and reveals how the Supreme Court gave coporations a blank check.

And, depressingly, it's real. This is what a conservative Supreme Court has done to our election process.


Categories: Colbert Report, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court, Video, WTF?


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Newt's big ideas
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Published Wednesday, December 14, 2011 @ 11:55 PM EST
Dec 14 2011

"His plan to fix America is for black kids to start cleaning toilets?"

(Daily Show video: Larry Wilmore analyzes Newtspeak.)

"I didn't know there was a black poverty, Jon, I thought it was just poverty. Okay? We can't even be poor as good as you guys?

"Somehow when black people are poor, it's their fault. They're on welfare and lazy. But down in poor white Appalachia, you're not the problem. It's China's fault or India's fault, or all the money we're spending on black people on welfare. I'm sorry- inner-city government subsidy recipients."

But the trophy goes to The Colbert Report, which reveals the true source of Newt's most audacious ideas:

(Colbert Report video: Stephen discovers Newt's true alter ego.)


Categories: Colbert Report, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
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Published Saturday, October 08, 2011 @ 11:51 AM EDT
Oct 08 2011

Republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4 am barroom pickup: he has a pulse and no visible cold sores.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, September 17, 2011 @ 4:17 AM EDT
Sep 17 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
-Jay Leno

President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in second place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.
-Conan O'Brien

A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.
-Conan O'Brien

A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them.
-Jimmy Kimmel

If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.
-Jimmy Kimmel

People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.
-Jimmy Fallon

Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'
-Conan O'Brien

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
-Conan O'Brien

Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.
-Jay Leno

There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.
-Jay Leno

President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for.
-Jimmy Kimmel

My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else.
-Stephen Colbert

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
-Craig Ferguson

President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'
-Conan O'Brien

A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'
-Conan O'Brien

In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.
-Conan O'Brien

Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president.
-Jay Leno

Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.
-Jay Leno

If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president.
-Jimmy Fallon

His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …
-Jimmy Fallon

Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.
-Jay Leno

Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents?'
-Jay Leno

In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the 'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.
-Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.
-Craig Ferguson

Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.
-Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing.
-David Letterman

They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
-David Letterman

I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
-David Letterman

You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV.
-David Letterman

Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.
-David Letterman

Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'
-Conan O'Brien

Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.
-Conan O'Brien

Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'
-Jay Leno

Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?
-Jay Leno

Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.
-Jay Leno

Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.
-Jay Leno

According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.
-Jay Leno

The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped.
-Jimmy Fallon


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Founding Fathers, Star Wars, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, September 10, 2011 @ 6:54 AM EDT
Sep 10 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

(YouTube video: The Republican debate in 45 seconds.)

The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house.
-Conan O'Brien

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.
-Conan O'Brien

The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks.
-Conan O'Brien

To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.
-Conan O'Brien

In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.
-Conan O'Brien

Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin.
-David Letterman

The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.
-David Letterman

Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses three more points she goes on 'Dancing with the Stars.'
-David Letterman

Homeland Security is saying you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel. I just hope they don’t stop wanding my inner thighs.
-David Letterman

During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type two diabetes.
-Jimmy Kimmel

This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?
-Jimmy Kimmel

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."
-Jay Leno

Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, "You've got to be kidding me!"
–Jimmy Fallon

Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another five years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Animals, Craig Ferguson, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert, WTF?


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