A clip from the golden days of ABC's World News Now, featuring a great interview of the late Leslie Nielson by Barry Mitchell.
I'm old enough to remember when Nielsen was cast in rugged, leading man roles, like Captain of the S.S. Poseidon in 1972's The Poseidon Adventure. Now it's impossible to watch this clip without giggling. When the officer says, "Captain... Lookout", I expect him to either duck, or respond, "My name's not Lookout, Pimpleface."
Handed a small baby for the first time, is it your first reaction to think: "Beautiful.
Almost perfect. Now please hand me the sharp stone for its genitalia, that I may do the work
of the Lord."
Using Dennis Miller's observation about Bill Gates, Oprah's a white cat and a monocle away from being a Bond villain.
To wit, this marvelous bit from Conan's new show on TBS:
... would assume this KGB Report entry must be meant for man.
Star Trek IV - The Voyage Home (aka "The One With The Whales") opened on this date in 1986, 24 years ago. It was the day before Thanksgiving, and 10 year old Doug and nine year old Sara probably weren't that thrilled about being dragged to a Star Trek movie, especially since they had been endlessly subjected to the first three films on home video by their Trek-crazed father. And those entries in the series weren't precisely what you'd call light entertainment.
But the film was a joy, we left the theater in a great mood, and I treated the kids to an impromptu puppet show. Alas, "Dancing Crustaceans on a Plate" opened and closed at the Pleasant Hills Red Lobster on the same day.
Categories: Star Trek
...but it's a holiday tradition, nonetheless.
KGB Report and all of us here at La Casa de los Mamiferos Peludos Pequeños wish you a happy Thanksgiving.
Mythbuster Adam Savage proves the "T" in TSA is theater, not security.
Adam uses some NSFW language, but it's more than justified.
I received an alert from my web hosting company about running out of disk space for kgbreport.com, which happens from time to time when I forget about checking the log file. Some people go through their logs to analyze trends, find out the source of page requests, etc. I only do that in self-defense, like when the Chinese were sucking the life out of one of my former church's web sites by downloading the same multi-megabyte mp3 audio file thousands of times a day, and I had to put on the webmaster hat to write defensive code for a month. That was not fun.
I feared the worst when I turned my homemade, SPITBOL-based log analyzer on the huge file, fearing I had pissed off some ubergeek who decided to ding me in the pocketbook with bandwidth overages from repetitive automated page requests.
So I was a happy camper when the program finished cruching the numbers and told me that I merely had a modest little blog with a decent readership. I wasn't overrun with spiders and other automated entities which inflate the hit count. Just people:
Analysed requests from Mon-25-Oct-2010 17:10 to Tue-23-Nov-2010 17:49
Total successful requests: 134,935 (35,105)
Average successful requests per day: 4,649 (5,015)
Total successful requests for pages: 38,106 (10,018)
Average successful requests for pages per day: 1,313 (1,431)
Number of distinct files requested: 2,769 (2,359)
Number of distinct hosts served: 4,252 (1,700)
Number of new hosts served in last 7 days: 615
Total data transferred: 5,006 Mbytes (1,340 Mbytes)
Average data transferred per day: 176,598 kbytes (196,095 kbytes)
(Figures in parentheses refer to the last 7 days).
So, thanks for listening to an aging curmudgeon's obsessive grumblings. It's appreciated.
Categories: KGB Blog News
Ok, to be totally honest, I never have bought into the widespread anti-French sentiment that sweeps the US from time to time. I'm not particularly fond of them either, but if it weren't for France, the United States would have never won the Revolutionary War.
That said, the froggy little bastards have gone too far. They're now stealing American intellectual property:
The show is called "Ce soir avec Arthur" (Tonight with Arthur) and shamelessly rips off elements of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Ferguson's show is unique in the late night talk show genre. Copying the generic American talk show is one thing; stealing Ferguson's ineffable format is just plain despicable. They even have the audacity to post their crap on YouTube.
While CBS airs Ferguson's program, the show is owned by Worldwide Pants, David Letterman's production company. It'll be interesting to see what happens when Dave gets medieval on their ass.
"You are an idiot. That was not a copy. It was... an homage."
So instead of calling the lawyers, Ferguson flies Arthur to LA and confronts him personally, with unexpected results. And then dedicates two more segments of the show to his homage buddy.
- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection again.
- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this- ever.
- I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
- I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
- I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
- Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
- I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
- The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
- There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey- but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
(This is all over the Internet; does anyone know the true author?)
I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree.
We need clean up the state that is so sorry today of college education.
Not if anything to say about it I have.
Some people have a way with words, and other people... not have way.
Categories: Quotes of the day
Don't miss Martin Scorses's documentary on Fran Lebowitz tonight at 10 eastern on HBO. Should be a hoot.
Herewith are some favorite Lebowitz quotes, from the KGB Quote Generator:
A dog who thinks he is a man's best friend is a dog who obviously has never met a tax lawyer.
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
Climbing a tree makes sense to me only if behind you there are Nazis.
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. One can only assume that this has something to do with not smoking enough.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication.
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
I would have more respect for the Pope if he wore a white cotton teeshirt emblazoned with red with the legend: INFALLIBLE BUT NOT INFLEXIBLE.
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let's Make a Deal.
Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans.
Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.
Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.
Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded as the heavy petting of literature.
Many people find smoking objectionable. I myself find many-even more-things objectionable. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tanned. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs.
My favorite animal is steak.
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.
Screenwriting is not an art form, it is a punishment from God.
Sleep is death without the responsibility.
Smoking, as far as I am concerned, is the whole point of being an adult.
Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds.
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
Success didn't spoil me; I've always been insufferable.
The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get you a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
The three questions of greatest concern are: 1) Is it attractive? 2) Is it amusing? 3) Does it know its place?
There are only two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance.
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
There's no line-item veto in life.
There's nothing about an elevator I like. It's too small. It's filled with people I did not invite. And often these people are wearing conflicting perfumes.
[T]o me the outdoors is what you have to pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.
When it comes to sports I am not particularly interested. I look upon them as dangerous and tiring activities performed by people with whom I share nothing except the right to trial by jury.
Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.
Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.
Some recent observations from Agent Smith:
You could abolish the TSA, but then we'd just get jobs at the IRS.
The official TSA response to crying babies is dingos.
Don't think we don't see what you are doing. It won't work. We've put down larger revolts with only fire hoses and badgers.
What are we looking for when we scan you? Pride. It's prohibited past the security gate.
Your freedom is in our hands. Literally.
We opt-out of listening to you whine.
Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
Our job isn't finished until nobody is flying.
If the Constitution was meant to apply to us, you'd think it'd say "TSA" somewhere in it.
Don't worry if a TSA agent says he's undressing you with his eyes. It's part of his training.
We've found it effective to yell loudly at passengers in German.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely...and we're completely okay with that.
Some passenger yelled at me, "Who died and made you king?!" I told her, "freedom."
Tonight we put a few backscatter scanners together and formed a Stargate.
One time we actually found a grenade. We had Creepy Karl pat her down..
Screaming "Confess Your Sins" at passengers works more often than you would think.
In a testament to our social media prowess, we've installed a TwitPic API on the backscatter scanner.
Picking out America Haters on Nation Opt-Out Day will be like picking-out hippies at Burning Man.
We're trying to get @Sn00ki to sponsor our hybrid line of full-body scanner/tanning booth.
We tried playing Barry White over the P.A. system to get people ready for freedom pats. Things just got weird.
Here's the truth: We don't enjoy patting you down, but it beats urinating on passengers to show our dominance.
TSA Advice: The best prevention for crying children on airplanes is contraceptives.
Pants on the ground isn't just a song. It's an order.
There is no credible evidence to suggest the mutations occurring after a scan weren't a pre-existing condition.
There is a fine line between security and humiliation. So we built a bridge over it.
Why do toddlers need freedom pats? They're about the size of a suitcase nuke, and one can never be too careful.
If you turn the scanner settings to "1.21 gigawatts," we've found that you can go back to 1985.
Even Black Friday can't beat the deals we find in the checked baggage screening area.
We saw Russia from Sarah Palin's backscatter scan.
We don't use the term "balls" to describe testicles. The official term is "organic terrorism repositories."
TSA Advisory: In preparation for National Opt Out day, the TSA is stockpiling canisters of tear gas, and angry badgers.
We hooked up a couple of scanners to replicate the teleport pad from StarTrek. The thing is, Agent Jim actually teleported.
Your privacy is safe with us. We have Agent Grover monitoring the scanner images, and he's legally blind.
TSA Travel Tip: For your health, please remove all metal before entering scanners. Think "tinfoil in a microwave." #tsa
Some say we touched a nerve with airline passengers. Heh, we touched more than that. Hey-ooo.
We're confident that Congress will understand our enhanced rubbing techniques. They use the same methods on interns.
I received four unsolicited, un-ordered issues of Golf Digest(?!) in the mail last week.
By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns of Warvan, I shall be avenged.
Maya Angelou is my friend on Facebook.
Don't ask me how; I don't remember doing it. I generally like her work- ten of her quotations, including the one she posted on Facebook today, are in the KGB Quote Database. That's pretty much an endorsement of her writing, but still, I don't remember asking her to be a friend. I only friend celebrities I know through correspondence or rare personal meeting.
Anyway, today she posted,
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
To which I commented,
"Which is one of the reasons why oral sex while mildly inebriated is so popular."
If you've read her stuff, you know she has a great sense of humor.
Hope she liked it. Plus reading all the outraged comments will make the day go faster...
(Useless trivia: Maya Angelou's real name is Marguerite Ann Johnson.)
Einstein said, "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
Of course, good luck finding the "middle" of something in four-dimensional curved space-time.
-The Covert Comic
I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short
lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race;
for if we suffer so much in loving a dog after an acquaintance of ten or
twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?
-Sir Walter Scott
And, you know, politics aside, the success of Sarah Palin and women like
her is good for all women- except, of course- those who will end up, you
know, like, paying for their own rape kit 'n' stuff. But for everybody
else, it's a win-win. Unless you're a gay woman who wants to marry your
partner of 20 years- whatever. But for most women, the success of
conservative women is good for all of us. Unless you believe in
evolution. You know- actually, I take it back. The whole thing's a
-Tina Fey accepting the Mark Twain Award (acceptance speech excerpt edited from the PBS broadcast due to "time restraints.")
Categories: Quotes of the day
From Andy Borowitz's Borowitz Report:
They were betterer times, they were worserer times.
It is a Truth universally acknowledg'd that Halliburton must be in Want of a Presidency.
Are you there, Satan? It's me, George.
The past is a foreign country; we need to blow it up.
Midway through the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, because I was sh*tfaced.
A girl got a pet goat. She liked to go running with her pet goat.
All children, except one, grow up.
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to do is talk to Cheney.
My momma always said life was like a jar of fetus.
Well, sort of. While Cee Lo Green's "F*** You" video is about as politically incorrect as you can possibly get, the cleaned-up radio version is wholesome enough for no less than than Gwyneth Paltrow to perform on nothing less than Glee this coming week.
Take a basic Holland-Dozier-Holland-ish four chord circular progression hook, add a youthful acrobatic melody that keys off the driving bass line, a strong R&B beat, and it sounds like something from the summer of '67. As long as you don't, like, actually sing the real lyrics. Think "You Can't Hurry Love" as performed by the Supremes while suffering from Tourettes.
Visit Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog for his weekly round-up of late night political humor.
President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very
candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while
he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of
drinks and invaded Iraq?
President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to
keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate.
Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested President Obama's visit to
Indonesia. Apparently, three out of four Indonesians believe he's an
President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his
childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death
One of Obama's childhood friends said he was chubby and ran like a duck.
I think that proves he's not Kenyan. That's as American as it gets.
Bristol Palin has made it to the semi-finals of 'Dancing with the Stars.' I'm not saying she's going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for it's going all the way." —Jimmy Fallon
What if Bristol Palin wins 'Dancing with the Stars?' How afraid can
America be of her mother? She can't dance. She's not a star. The only
part of the show that applies to her is the 'with the.' I wouldn't have
believed that a dancing competition could make me question whether I
really live in a democracy or not.
I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the
In his new book, George W. Bush says he's happy to be out of Washington.
Well, it's unanimous.
George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he
doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that
was him thinking all the time? Really?
In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he
selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running
mate shot a buddy in the face.
President Bush is back. And people really seem to love that new red
beard. But he's getting criticism. John Boehner, new Speaker of the
House, says Bush doesn't care about orange people.
The Pentagon says it doesn't know who is responsible for launching a
missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia
can't believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White
JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of
directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage- the guy
who's been trying to find bin Laden for ten years.
A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't
get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular.
Republicans fresh off their victory on Election Day say their first
priority will be to dismantle the new health care law. And believe me,
there's nothing people without a job love more than less health care.
Hillary Clinton says she will not run again for President. Your move,
Brett Favre. ... When Hillary says she's not running, is she really not
running? Or just pulling a Leno?
President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did
drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's
nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he
If you should to see this happening at an airport, don't stand mute and permit the seemingly never-ending assault on our rights to continue. Do what I plan to do. While in a location where it would take a few seconds for a TSA agent to reach you, drop your pants, whip off your shirt and undergarments, and scream "I'm an American guaranteed Fourth Amendment Rights by our Constitution, and I'm Opting Out." While this might not be an approach that's equally effective for everyone, believe me: I will be noticed.
I should note that to this point I've never challenged any demands made of me by airport security, regardless of their absurdity and intrinsic worthlessness as effective security measures. I've been questioned, asked to remove items from my baggage, wanded, and body scanned by the generally polite TSA folk without incident.
But what TSA is doing now is reprehensible. These scare tactics of overkill, and the blatant, willful disregard of our basic rights as citizens, are profoundly wrong and should not be tolerated by anyone who considers himself and American.
To quote actor and former National Rifle Association president, the late Charleton Heston:
"Well, the answer's been here all along. I learned it 36 years ago, on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C., standing with Dr. Martin Luther King and two hundred thousand people."
"You simply disobey. Peaceably, yes. Respectfully, of course. Nonviolently, absolutely."
"But when told how to think or what to say or how to behave, we don't. We disobey the social protocol that stifles and stigmatizes personal freedom."
There is something fundamentally wrong in a society that allows people to carry concealed weapons into Starbucks but harasses attractive young women and grandmas in wheelchairs just because they make perfect participants in the theater of the absurd that TSA calls "security."
In the mid to late 90s, the Internal Revenue Service was the object of Congressional hearings when the agency engaged in egregious and reprehensible activities "for the greater good." Congress stopped the IRS' Gestapo-like tactics in short order after they were exposed. It's time for them to do it again. Stop this insult to our rights and our basic dignity. Now.
Write the President. Write your Senator and Congressman. If you or a friend are insulted or assaulted by TSA and/or local police at the airport, do what we Americans do best: bitch, at the top of your lungs, to everyone and anyone in authority. Make a scene. Get as many witnesses as possible. Get as much information as possible and contact the American Civil Liberties Union.
Don't interfere or disrupt normal screening processes. But if TSA decides to make you the star of their little security pageant, by God, make the performance a memorable one.
This is America, folks. Our service men and women are making supreme sacrifices overseas to guarantee our freedom. Let's do our part by defending the Constitution here at home as well.
"In his new book George W. Bush reveals that he
considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in
charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea."
"Former President George W. Bush has written his memoir.
It's called Decision Points. I've already decided not to
read it. … He'll be everywhere promoting the book. He's on
the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and
tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water boarding
the veal cutlets."
"No sir, I'm not going to read it until he reads it."
"In his new book, George W. Bush says he's happy to be
out of Washington. Well, it's unanimous."
"In an interview with Matt Lauer, President Bush revealed
the most embarrassing thing he ever did when he was drunk.
He asked a friend of his parents at a dinner party what sex
was like after 50. Which is not so bad when you consider
John McCain's most embarrassing moment. He picked Sarah
"Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir.
By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of
stuff that happened to me.'"
"Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those
pages are just games and puzzles."
"In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is
pretty much impossible to get out of."
"Well George W. Bush is on the big book tour this week.
During an interview with USA Today, Bush said that he was,
'blindsided by the financial crisis.' Bush said he was also
blindsided by the fact that he knew the word blindsided."
Lewis Black: I did every type of drug possible as a child, and nothing prepared me for Sarah Palin.
[B]ut, happily, for the busy lunatics who rule over us, we are permanently the United States of
Amnesia. We learn nothing because we remember nothing.
Categories: Quotes of the day