KGB Report

"His plan to fix America is for black kids to start cleaning toilets?"

(Daily Show video: Larry Wilmore analyzes Newtspeak.)

"I didn't know there was a black poverty, Jon, I thought it was just poverty. Okay? We can't even be poor as good as you guys?

"Somehow when black people are poor, it's their fault. They're on welfare and lazy. But down in poor white Appalachia, you're not the problem. It's China's fault or India's fault, or all the money we're spending on black people on welfare. I'm sorry- inner-city government subsidy recipients."

But the trophy goes to The Colbert Report, which reveals the true source of Newt's most audacious ideas:

(Colbert Report video: Stephen discovers Newt's true alter ego.)

Categories: Colbert Report, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Larry Wilmore, Newt Gingrich, Stephen Colbert

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Calvin Trillin (b. December 5, 1935):

Americans drive across the country as if someone's chasing them.

As far as I'm concerned, “whom” is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

Health food makes me sick.

I don't care where I sit, as long as I get fed.

I never did very well in math- I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.

If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come “Lincolnesque” just means tall?

In modern America, anyone who attempts to write satirically about the events of the day finds it difficult to concoct a situation so bizarre that it may not actually come to pass while the article is still on the presses.

(Daily Show: Trillin demonstrates how bizarre, concocted satire can become reality.)

Marriage is part of a sort of 50s revival package that's back in vogue along with neckties and naked ambition.

Not as bad as you might have expected.
(his suggested state motto for New Jersey)

The price of purity is purists.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

When someone reaches middle age, people he knows begin to get put in charge of things, and knowing what he knows about the people who are being put in charge of things scares the hell out of him.

Categories: Calvin Trillin, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Quotes of the day, Satire, Video

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

"They can't stand that a black man, much blacker than Obama, and a real American black, is this right-winger."-Ann Coulter

"Even I'm offended by that, and I'm a racist."-Jon Stewart

("The Daily Show" video, in which Donald Trump expresses outrage at Jon Stewart's racist impression of Herman Cain, and Ann Coulter notes Republican blacks are better than Democratic blacks.)

Categories: Ann Coulter, Conservatives, Daily Show, Donald Trump, Fox News, Herman Cain, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Race, Republicans, Rick Perry, Samantha Bee, Video, Wyatt Cenac

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

The cynic in me sometimes thinks candidates and politicians behave this way because they know the game is rigged, the process is a charade, and it just doesn't make any difference who gets elected.

"All of this back and forth debate implies that there are really choices in this country- that we really have choices. It’s an illusion. There is no real choice... Americans are meant to feel free by the exercise of meaningless choice. You know what the choices are in this country? Paper or plastic, aisle or window, smoking or no smoking. These are your real choices. You don’t get to choose anything."
-George Carlin

Categories: Daily Show, George Carlin, Herman Cain, Jon Stewart, Mitt Romney, Republicans, Rick Perry, Video

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

(Daily Show video: Back in Black-Indoctrinating America's Children)

I'll have to remember to set my DVR... to explode!-Lewis Black

Categories: 9/11, al-Qaeda, Children, Conservatives, Daily Show, Glenn Beck, Hippies, Hunger, Ideologies, Indoctrination, Lewis Black, Mike Huckabee, Occupy Wall Streeet, Poverty, Sesame Street, TV, Video

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

"It's gotta be tough [for Republicans] to love America so much, but to hate almost three-quarters of the people living in it."
-Jon Stewart

("The Daily Show" assembles yet another brilliant set of hypocrisy-laden clippage.)

Categories: Allen West, Americans, Chris Christie, Class warfare, Climate Change, Congress, Conservatives, Corporate Welfare, Corporations, Corruption, Daily Show, Devin Nunes, Economy, Education, Eric Cantor, Family Research Council, Heritage Foundation, Hypocrisy, Jim DeMint, John Carter, John Thune, Kevin McCarthy (Representative), Lawyers, LGBT, Liberals, Louie Gohmert, Marco Rubio, Media and Advertising, Michele Bachmann, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Norm Coleman, Occupy Wall Streeet, Paul Ryan, Phil Gingrey, Planned Parenthood, Politics, Progressives, Public Employees, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Scott Brown, Steve King, Taxes, Teabaggers, Tea Party, Ted Poe, Unions, Video

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

"You had your shot, guys. For one shining moment, you weren't the biggest boobs on television."

(The Daily Show video: Nancy's wardrobe malfunction, Fox and Friends' seventh grade hazing of Chaz Bono continues.)

Categories: Brian Kilmeade, Chaz Bono, Daily Show, Dancing with the Stars, Fox and Friends, Fox News, Gretchen Carlson, Jon Stewart, Nancy Grace, Steve Doocy, Video

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Only $200,000 a year for food? The threatened extinction of Subway, Bill O'Reilly and the super rich.

("Moneybrawl" clip from "The Daily Show")

Perhaps a different, more direct perspective is needed:

(Clip from an Elizabeth Warren speech in Andover, MA.)

There is nobody in this country who got rich on his own. Nobody.

You built a factory out there- good for you! But I want to be clear.

You moved your goods to market on the roads the rest of us paid for.

You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate.

You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for.

You didn’t have to worry that maurauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory, and hire someone to protect against this, because of the work the rest of us did.

Now look, you built a factory and it turned into something terrific, or a great idea- God bless. Keep a big hunk of it.

But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along.

Categories: Barack Obama, Bill O'Reilly, Class warfare, Daily Show, Deficit, Federal Budget / Spending, John Fleming, Jon Stewart, Republicans, Subway, Taxes, UPS Store, Wall Street Journal, Wyatt Cenac

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney garners sympathy from an unusual source: The Daily Show's Jon Stewart.

("The Daily Show" clip: citing Obi-Wan.)

Categories: Alec Guinness, Barbara Walters, Carrot Top, Daily Show, Darth Vader, Dick Cheney, Jay Leno, Jon Stewart, Late Night TV, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Star Wars, The View, Video

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

The Daily Show remembers 9/13... the day we started forgetting...

Categories: 9/11, ACLU, Al Madrigal, al-Qaeda, Americans, Anderson Cooper, Ann Coulter, Atheism, Brit Hume, Campaign Funding, Christians/Christianity, Church and State, CNN, Conservatives, Daily Show, Democrats, Faith, First Amendment, Fox News, Freedom, Glenn Beck, God, Government, Ground Zero, Homeland Security, Hypocrisy, Islam, Jason Jones, Jerry Falwell, Jon Stewart, Katie Couric, Lies, Media and Advertising, Middle East, Moral Majority, MSNBC, Neal Asbury, News Corporation, New York, Olivia Munn, Painful, Pat Robertson, Politics, Pundits, Radical Islam, Religion, Roger Ailes, Rudy Giuliani, Rupert Murdoch, Samantha Bee, Stupidity, Terrorists, U.S. Constitution, Video, Wahhabists, WTF?, Wyatt Cenac

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China. USA! USA!
-Conan O'Brien

Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house.
-Conan O'Brien

Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she'll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.
-Conan O'Brien

A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it's going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He's like the Sarah Palin of politics.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He's got that everyman quality that we can all relate to.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they're letting him run in front. Because he's the one with the gun.
-Stephen Colbert

There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration.
-Stephen Colbert

It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'
-Jon Stewart

Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'
-Conan O'Brien

The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.
-Conan O'Brien

Newt Gingrich, who came in eighth place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'
-Conan O'Brien

A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama's bus caravan, calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from the President of the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama's new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'
-Jon Stewart

Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is.
-Conan O'Brien

Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.
-Conan O'Brien

The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.
-Conan O'Brien

Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It's funny that someone who doesn't believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter.
-Stephen Colbert

In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.
-Stephen Colbert

Michele Bachmann's victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket- by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis.
-Stephen Colbert

He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!
-Jon Stewart

If all of Jon Huntsman's supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, 'yeah, that's fine, there are some more seats in the back.'
-Jon Stewart

Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.
-Jay Leno

President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.
-Jay Leno

The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch.
-Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He's still in the race.
-Jay Leno

It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th.
-Jay Leno

General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'
-Jay Leno

A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'
-Conan O'Brien

Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.
-Conan O'Brien

President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money.
-Jimmy Fallon

After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.
-Jimmy Fallon

During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.
-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.
-Stephen Colbert

We need God's forgiveness- or at least China's.
-Stephen Colbert

It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds.
-Jay Leno

Categories: About.com, Autocorrect, Barack Obama, Canada, Chinese, Church and State, Colbert Report, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Conservatives, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, Democrats, Donald Trump, Economy, Energy, England, Facebook, Gary Busey, George W. Bush, God, Government, Iowa, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, Jon Huntsman, Jon Stewart, Kim Jong Il, Late Night TV, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mormons, Myspace, Nancy Pelosi, Newt Gingrich, North Korea, Olympics, Paul Ryan, Political Jokes of the Week, Randy Travis, Republicans, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, Stephen Colbert, Tim Pawlenty, TV, Twitter

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

(The Daily Show video: The Poor's Free Ride Is Over.)

In which Jon Stewart brilliantly explains how the greedy 50% of the population which controls a whopping 2.5% of the nation's wealth can solve the debt crisis by simply carrying their fair share of the tax burden.

What prompted this? Warren Buffett's op-ed, a thoughtful treatise on the advantages the super-wealthy currently enjoy at the hands of the tax code, or, to put that another way, "class warfare." Yep, Warren Buffett is a socialist.

Categories: Ann Coulter, Barack Obama, Bill O'Reilly, Cato Institute, Charts, Chris Edwards, Class warfare, Conservatives, Corporate Jet Class, Corporate Welfare, Daily Show, Democrats, Economy, Fox and Friends, Fox News, Government, Heritage Foundation, Income Inequality, John Boehner, John Cornyn, John Stossel, Jon Bruning, Jon Stewart, Laura Ingraham, Marco Rubio, Michele Bachmann, National Endowment for the Arts, National Endowment for the Humanities, Neal Boortz, NPR, Politics, Poverty, Pundits, Republicans, Robert Rector, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, Steve Doocy, Stuart Varney, Taxes, Warren Buffett, Wealth, Welfare, WTF?

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

"How did Libertarian Ron Paul become the thirteenth floor in a hotel?"-Jon Stewart

(The Daily Show video: "Even when the media does remember Ron Paul, it's only to reassure themselves that there's no need to remember Ron Paul."(04:20))

Categories: Chris Wallace, Daily Show, Gary Busey, Iowa, Jon Huntsman, Jon Stewart, Media and Advertising, Meet the Press, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mormons, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, Tim Pawlenty, Video, WTF?

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there.
-Jay Leno

They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money.
-Jay Leno

President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America "a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.
-Jay Leno

Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. Look who owes them all the money.
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.
-Jay Leno

There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.
-Jay Leno

Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial "guy you didn't know existed" vote.
-Conan O'Brien

A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.
-Conan O'Brien

Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for "Playboy" and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.
-Jimmy Fallon

Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim.
-Stephen Colbert

New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'
-Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'
-Conan O'Brien

Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.
-Conan O'Brien

A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.
-Conan O'Brien

'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties.
-Jay Leno

Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.
-Jay Leno

A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction.
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused him of doing the same thing.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It's a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.
-Jimmy Fallon

S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump."
-Daily Show tweet

S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.
-Jay Leno

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he's going to stay.
-Jay Leno

I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it.
-Jay Leno

Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning.
-Jay Leno

It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team.
-Jay Leno

The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?
-Jimmy Kimmel

We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them Florida?
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.
-Jimmy Kimmel

A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'What happens if I get a flat tire?'
-Jimmy Fallon

About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from 'Verizon' to 'AT&T.'
-Jimmy Fallon

China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie.
-Conan O'Brien

The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America. My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: About.com, Abstinence, Al Gore, Americans, Angelina Jolie, Antarctica, Arnold Schwarzenegger, AT&T, Banking and Credit, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, Chinese, Climate Change, Colbert Report, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Conservatives, Cuba, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, Debt Ceiling, Deficit, Democrats, Donald Trump, Dow, Economy, Elections, England, Facebook, Federal Budget / Spending, Financial Melt Down, Florida, Government, Great Britain, Greece, Indecision 2012, In the news, Iowa, Islam, Italy, Jay Leno, Jeb Bush, Jersey Shore, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, Jon Huntsman, Jon Stewart, Late Night TV, Levi Johnston, Liberals, Maria Shriver, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mormons, Piers Morgan, Rick Perry, Ringo Starr, Rush Limbaugh, S&P, Sarah Palin, Smurfs, Tea Party, Texas, Timothy Geithner, Verizon Wireless, Wall Street

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

(Daily Show video, in which Jon Stewart again highlights conservative hypocrisy.)

The Daily Show's crack research team comes through again. Don't those idiots at Fox realize they save the tapes?!

The full hypocritical comment Kelly made was:

"The United States is the only country in the advanced world that doesn't require paid maternity leave. Now I happen to work for a nice employer that gave me paid leave. But the United States is the only advanced country that doesn't require paid leave. If anything, the United States is in the dark ages when it comes to maternity leave. And what is it about carrying a baby for nine months, that you don't think deserves a few months off so bonding and recovery can take place, hmm?"

As Jon Stewart noted, "This is the problem with entitlements. They're really only entitlements when they're something other people want. When it's something you want, they're a hallmark of a civilized society, the foundation of a great people. I just had a baby and found out maternity leave strengthens society. But since I still have a job, unemployment benefits are clearly socialism. To put it more simply, [cut to George Carlin clip] Have you noticed their stuff is sh*t, and you sh*t is stuff?"

Mrs, "It's not an entitlement if I want it" is right about one thing: the way the United States treats parents is barbaric, compared to other countries.

Categories: Chris Wallace, Conservatives, Daily Show, Family and Medical Leave Act, Fox News, George Carlin, Jon Stewart, Megyn Kelly, Mike Gallagher, Rachel Maddow, Republicans, Video

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head stuck in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.
–Jon Stewart

----------

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age.
-Conan O'Brien

This debt crisis still isn't solved, but yesterday, the White House said it's working on a 'Plan B.' Unfortunately, the B stands for 'bake sale.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?
-Jay Leno

The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage.
–Conan O'Brien

Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: President Joe Biden.
–Jay Leno

Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn't seem like a lot to you.
-Jimmy Fallon

NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, 'One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner.
-Jimmy Fallon

John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange.
-Jimmy Kimmel

They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or something.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by August 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?
-Jimmy Kimmel

The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.
-Conan O'Brien

George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama bin Laden next month on cable TV. It's expected to be the highest-rated episode ever of 'Cake Boss.'
-Conan O'Brien

We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the 'feels like' is $20 trillion.
-David Letterman

We're under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it's due to Michele Bachmann's hair spray.
-David Letterman

Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I'm toying with the idea of drinking again.
-David Letterman

The number one movie in the country is "Captain America." Analysts say this movie is successful because it takes place in the 40's and has a retro feel. The film takes audiences back to a time where America could actually fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time.
-Jay Leno

A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other 54 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'
-Jay Leno

According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
-Jay Leno

Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy.
-Jay Leno

Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister.
-Craig Ferguson

I had no idea that life for conservatives was so difficult in this country. Tell me a little bit, if you would, about the bad people holding your kind back.
-Jon Stewart

[Video overlay] Sean Hannity saying liberals are "so vicious, so mean, and so cruel, and I don't hear this coming from conservatives about liberals." Jon Stewart: "You don't? That is, if I may say, some of the most free-range, organically grown disingenuous, ideologically marinated, un-self-awareness I've ever seen in the wild."

Is it so wrong we want pundits vetted? I want to get my news from news people, not random people with an AOL account.
-Jon Stewart on Twitter pundits

Categories: About.com, Barack Obama, Canada, Captain America, Chinese, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Conservatives, Corruption, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Debt Ceiling, Deficit, George W. Bush, Jay Leno, Jeb Bush, Jersey Shore, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, John Boehner, Jon Stewart, Liberals, Lindsay Lohan, Michele Bachmann, NASA, Osama bin Laden, Paris Hilton, Progressives, Republicans, Rupert Murdoch, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity

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The Daily Show was 15 years old this past Thursday, and for the past 12 years it's been The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

Stewart calls his show "fake news," and while the segments feature biting satire and over the top delivery, it often reports stories with far more impact and context than corporate media outlets. It's particularly incisive when the show's staff of researchers assembles clips of politicians contradicting or denying prior statements. "What is it with you guys?" Stewart once asked after one the damning compilations. "Don't you realize we save the tapes?"

The most egregious example was Senator John McCain. The Arizona Republican's self-deprecating style and maverick persona had been a Stewart favorite, and McCain appeared 15 times between 1999 and the start of his 2008 presidential campaign. But the senator's prevarications and backtracking finally prompted The Daily Show to produce one of its sharpest, most scathing segments:

While other media outlets did cover McCain's brain-detonating "I'm not a maverick" claim, only The Daily Show and, later, David Letterman, excoriated McCain for his reversals and outright lies.

Some claim Stewart's incessant, near-religious hammering of disingenuous, dishonest leaders and media figures increases the level of cynicism in the country and causes diminished participation in elections and other civic functions. I disagree. Unlike "real" news and commentary shows, Stewart's idealism has a sharp, deadly edge that is enervating.

Take MSNBC commentator Chris Matthews' appearance on the show to promote his book "Life's A Campaign." While a smart, personable guy, I've never cared for Matthews. He's a professional cynic whose take on government and politics reduces them to the level of professional sports. The effect of an election or Congressional vote on the United States or its citizens? Who cares? What's important is the game, a game to be won through strategy and manipulation. I could only read a few chapters, and tossed it aside in disgust. Matthews' advice bordered on the sociopathic. He advocated using the same exploitative and Machiavellian techniques politicians employ to win elections to succeed in day-to-day life. It should cause the superego of any decent human being to recoil in distaste and horror.

Stewart dived in with guns blazing. "You're trashing my book!," Matthews complains in the clip below. "I'm not trashing your book," Stewart explains. "I'm trashing your philosophy of life."

Matthews called it "the worst interview of my life." Well, at least it was the most honest.

Anyway....

During his tenure as host, Stewart's delivered some rather memorable quotes, and I've collected here the ones I most like.

Happy Birthday, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. We've been through a lot. I can't imagine making it through the 2012 election without you.

-----

Quotes by Jon Stewart:

Arizona is the meth lab of democracy.

As someone who is not Christian, it is hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America... maybe, God willing, one of you will rise up and get to be President of this country; or maybe 44 in a row.

Even the Stock-Pickin' Chicken is right some of the time.

Every country has at least one museum that says "Here's why we chased you out."

Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.

I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn't realize is that those people are assholes.

I view America like this: 70 to 80 percent [are] pretty reasonable people that truthfully, if they sat down, even on contentious issues, would get along. And the other 20 percent of the country run it.

If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values- they're hobbies.

If you have too many white people at a rally, then your cause is racist. And if you have too many people of color at a rally, you must be asking for something.

It does not matter what we say or do; it matters only what is reported about what we say or do.

It doesn't make it a gotcha question just because it got ya.

It feels like all the people who want limited government really just want government limited to Republicans.

No one's going to march in the streets carrying a sign that says "Be Reasonable!"

Religion is kinda like nuclear power: you split the atom this way, you get electricity; you split it that way, you get an atomic bomb.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what? Copyright infringement?

The wisdom of the masses is not always... wise.

They always throw around this term "the liberal elite." And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

We need religion to give grace and comfort to a world torn apart by religion.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by The Macarena.

Categories: Chris Matthews, Daily Show, John McCain, Jon Stewart, Video

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"To balance the system, Fox has to be the purest form of right-wing resin, because of how heavy left-wing America is. Hollywood, comedians, every single news organization, the Internet, facts, history, science- it's all just left-wing bull****, man! Each one of them designed purely to shut down conservatives..."

Categories: Chris Wallace, Daily Show, Fox News, Jon Stewart, Video

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John Oliver discovers they're back in this Daily Show video.

Categories: Daily Show, Indecision 2012, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Politics, Video

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What? The Congressman [Anthony Weiner] had a sex scandal and had to call Bill Clinton to apologize? For what, copyright infringement? A patent violation?
-Jon Stewart

Categories: Anthony Weiner, Bill Clinton, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Quotes of the day

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Has anyone ever stopped to consider the possibility that Sarah Palin and her family are driving from town to town solving mysteries and unmasking monsters in haunted amusement parks?
-Jon Stewart on Sarah Palin's bus tour

Categories: Daily Show, Indecision 2012, Jon Stewart, Politics, Sarah Palin

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I've always found the hallmark of an honest conversation is one that begins with "If you quote me directly using videotape of my comments, in context- you're lying."

Categories: Brit Hume, Conservatives, Daily Show, David Gregory, Elections, Eric Cantor, Family values, Fox News, Healthcare, Hypocrisy, Indecision 2012, Joe Scarborough, Jon Stewart, Juan Williams, Media and Advertising, Medicare, Meet the Press, Mika Brzezinski, Monica Crowley, Newt Gingrich, Paul Ryan, Republicans, Rudy Giuliani, Sean Hannity, Video

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The Daily Show's Jon Stewart yet again reveals Fox News' faux outrage as the naked hypocrisy it is.

"Oh, if we only had the tape..."

Categories: Barack Obama, Bill O'Reilly, Common, Daily Show, Fox and Friends, Fox News, George W. Bush, Glenn Beck, Grammy Awards, Greta Van Susteren, Gretchen Carlson, Hillary Clinton, Hypocrisy, Ice-T, Johnny Cash, Jon Stewart, Karl Rove, Megyn Kelly, Music, Osama bin Laden, Race, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity, Ted Nugent, TV, Video

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Actually, you know who else has to go through that type of check to get their money? Nobody. Not from Medicare, not from Medicaid, not Social Security, not farm subsidies, not oil subsidies, not for FEMA disaster money; although, if your name is "Katrina," they have to verify you're not a hurricane before you get your check. You want billions in bank bail-out money? You get that without being cross-checked against the terrorist watch list. The only thing they want to know in that case is, "Did you start the financial meltdown in the first place?" 'Cause if you did, here's your bleeping money!"
-Jon Stewart

Categories: 9/11, Cliff Stearns, Daily Show, Henry Waxman, Jon Stewart, Terrorists, Video, Zadroga Bill

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Trump's using the Amarosa strategy to run for president.

Categories: Daily Show, Donald Trump, Elections, Indecision 2012, Media and Advertising, Republicans, Video

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"His remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, an organization that receives millions in taxpayer dollars, does subsidize abortions."

"He's not lying to get out of a commitment like jury duty or to be boastful, he's standing on the Senate floor lying to the American people to get his way."

Categories: Daily Show, Federal Budget / Spending, Jon Kyl, Jon Stewart, Lies, Planned Parenthood, Video, WTF?, Wyatt Cenac

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Again, one must ask- why are the clearest, most direct interviews performed by a comedian on a fake news show?

Stewart probes Huckabee's support of radical evangelical minister and discredited historian David Barton, who claims- despite incontrovertible evidence to the contrary- that the Founders intended the United States to be a Christian theocracy. Stewart also questions why Huckabee- who is always reasonable and self-effacing during his Daily Show interviews- promotes Barton's extreme ideas when addressing his conservative base.

This is part three of three of the interview; consider watching them all. It's one of Stewart's- and Huckabee's- best efforts.

It also features two Stewart observations that made it to my quote database:

"As someone who is not Christian, it is hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America... maybe, God willing, one of you will rise up and get to be President of this country; or maybe 44 in a row."

"We need religion to give grace and comfort to a world torn apart by religion."

Categories: Barack Obama, Bible, Christians/Christianity, Christmas, Church and State, Conservatives, Daily Show, David Barton, Education, Faith, First Amendment, Founding Fathers, Fox News, Freedom, Glenn Beck, Government, History, Indecision 2012, Interviews, In the news, Jon Stewart, Late Night TV, Patriotism, Politics, Race, Religion, Republicans, Sharia Law, Tea Party, Texas, TV, U.S. Constitution, Video

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Categories: Barack Obama, Corporate Welfare, Daily Show, General Electric, Jeffrey Immelt, Jon Stewart, Taxes, TV, WTF?, YouTube

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Lewis Black thinks Donald Trump has what it takes to be the crazy third-world dictator that America needs.

Categories: 2012, Daily Show, Donald Trump, Jon Stewart, Lewis Black, Republicans, Video

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You can't simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles.
-Jon Stewart

Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Quotes of the day

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Categories: Daily Show, Fox News, Jon Stewart, Sarah Palin, Video, WTF?

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The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

"For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed?"
-Jay Leno

"Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain and John Kerry naturally paired off as their other colleagues grew tired of their yearly tradition of reciting their own state of the union address under their breath."
-Jon Stewart

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing a 'Sarah-Palin-Free February,' a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick February, the shortest month. ... You know what the perfect month would be? November 2012."
-Jay Leno

"Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around."
-Conan O'Brien

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote."
-Jay Leno

"Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension."
-Conan O'Brien

"The theme of President Obama's State of the Union address was 'Win the Future.' It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the rerun of 'Top Chef.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama made a major announcement tonight. He's Oprah's half-brother. That's why there's been so much confusion about the birth certificate."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker."
-Jay Leno

"Rep. Michele Bachmann gave a rebuttal for the Tea Party, and she is a natural on camera. [She looked to the side the whole time.] Either the cue cards were in the wrong place or she was keeping an eye out for illegal immigrants the whole time."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you hear about the State of the Union address drinking game? You listen to the speech, and every time you think about the actual state of the union, you take a drink. It helps."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan."
-Conan O'Brien

"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a 'Day of Rage.' Or as it's known in the Middle East, 'Tuesday.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won."
-Stephen Colbert

"A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can't run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he's free to purchase the position."
-Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan."
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: About.com, Barack Obama, Chicago, Conan O'Brien, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, Democrats, Egypt, Founding Fathers, Hezbollah, Hillary Clinton, Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, John Boehner, John Kerry, John McCain, Jon Stewart, Keith Olbermann, Lebanon, Michele Bachmann, Middle East, MSNBC, Oprah Winfrey, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Rahm Emanuel, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Slavery, State of the Union, Stephen Colbert, Teabaggers, Tea Party, Terrorists, The Future

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Noted condescending conservative pinhead Bill O'Reilly criticized Jon Stewart of The Daily Show for claiming Fox News calls people Nazis.

Stewart again nails the faux news channel to the wall.

Don't those Fox News people realize The Daily Show has researchers who actually hold on to the tapes?

Categories: Bill O'Reilly, Conservatives, Daily Show, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Goebbels, Hitler, Huffington Post, Hypocrisy, Jon Stewart, Megyn Kelly, Nazis, Richard Socarides, Roger Ailes, Steve Cohen, Video, WTF?

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Jon Stewart's crack Daily Show research staff again exposes the fetid swamp of steaming hypocrisy that is Fox News.

"That's like Charlie Sheen showing up at your intervention to tell you to take it down a notch."

Categories: Bernie Goldberg, Bill O'Reilly, Charlie Sheen, Conservatives, Daily Show, Fox and Friends, Fox News, Glenn Beck, Goebbels, Greta Van Susteren, Gretchen Carlson, Gunther, The News Pigeon, Healthcare, Hitler, Holocaust, Hypocrisy, Jon Stewart, Juan Williams, Karl Rove, Keith Olbermann, Mary Katharine Ham, Megyn Kelly, moveon.org, MSNBC, Nazis, NPR, Progressives, Richard Socarides, Roger Ailes, Sean Hannity, Steve Cohen, Steve Doocy, Tammy Bruce, townhall.com, Video, WTF?

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I do think that it's a worthwhile goal not to conflate our political opponents with our enemies if for no other reason than to draw a better distinction between the manifesto of paranoid mad men and what passes for acceptable political pundit speak. It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn't in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. Let's at least make troubled individuals easier to spot.
-Jon Stewart

Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Politics, Quotes of the day

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The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.Com.

"The Republicans now control the House, and they say they're going to follow a strict interpretation of the original Constitution. So I hope you women and non-whites don't like voting."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress was broadcast live on Facebook for the first time in history. Now you can waste time and not get work done by watching Congress waste time and not get work done."
-Jimmy Fallon

"The new Congress has been sworn in. To politicians the oath of office is like a New Years resolution to the rest of us. You try for a week or two and then say screw it."
-Jay Leno

"Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It's either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again."
-David Letterman

"Why is it no human being can withstand more than two years as a presidential press secretary? There must be an organ somewhere in the body that can only filter two years worth of heavy duty bullsh*t."
-Jon Stewart on Robert Gibbs' retirement

"The new Republican-controlled House of Representative decided to start things off by reading the entire Constitution aloud. They took turns each reading a part of the Constitution. Then there was a break for lunch and a slave auction."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back."
-David Letterman

"Outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi gave a speech and handed the gavel to John Boehner. Very emotional moment for Pelosi, but she managed to keep a stiff upper lip, a tightly stretched forehead, and unnaturally arched eyebrows."
-Jay Leno

"The last speaker, Nancy Pelosi has a frozen face and John Boehner has an orange face. If you put them together, you've got the Creamsicle of the House."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"The commander of the USS Enterprise was relieved of duty because of his involvement in making raunchy videos while onboard the Navy ship. The good news: Today he was offered a job as a producer on 'Jersey Shore.'"
-Jay Leno

"This weekend in Arkansas, thousands of dead birds dropped out of the sky and there were 100,000 dead fish in the rivers. Also, McDonald's is having a special on Chicken McNuggets and Filet of Fish."
-Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it's a witch hunt."
-Jay Leno

"Snooki is now a published author. I'm blaming Sarah Palin . She lowered the bar."
-David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The Republicans' First Day In Charge Of The House"
10. "Mr. Boehner, please stop crying"
9. "How do we blame this dead bird thing on Obama?"
8. "I think he was just sworn in on a copy of Snooki's new book"
7. "Beer me!"
6. "Alright, you've had six hours, is the economy fixed?"
5. "Speaker Boehner, please stop blowing your nose"
4. "When is vacation?"
3. "No, Sen. McCain, Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore"
2. "When do we get to sleep with the pages?"
1. "How soon can we go back to invading countries for oil?"

Categories: About.com, Arkansas, Christine O'Donnell, Congress, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Dick Cheney, Facebook, Jay Leno, Jersey Shore, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Boehner, John McCain, Jon Stewart, McDonalds, Military, Nancy Pelosi, Political Jokes of the Week, Republicans, Robert Gibbs, Sarah Palin, Snooki, U.S. Constitution, Witchcraft

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In this clip, Aasif Mandvi of The Daily Show, demonstrates what the show does best: bringing truth- and stupidity- to power.

Categories: Aasif Mandvi, Childhood Obesity, Daily Show, Eric Mar, Government, Happy Meals, Jon Stewart, Laws, McDonalds, Nanny State, San Francisco, Video, WTF?

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Senate Republicans filibuster the Zadroga bill but pass tax cuts for the wealthy, which is great news for firefighters who make over $200,000 a year.

"Yet, there was one network that gave the 9/11 responders story the full 22 minutes of intense coverage that it deserved. But that network, unfortunately, was Aljazeera. Our networks were scooped with a sympathetic Zadroga bill story by the same network that Osama bin Laden sends his mixtapes to! This is insane!

911 first responders watch as Mitch McConnell cries over a friend's retirement, and Jon Kyl explains why the Senate can't work the week after Christmas.

Categories: 9/11, Congress, Daily Show, Ground Zero, In the news, Jon Kyl, Jon Stewart, Mitch McConnell, Osama bin Laden, Painful, Republicans, Video

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"Letting corporations decide how much cadmium is okay? It's like putting out the whole bag of Purina and trusting your dog to stop when it's had enough. Oh, and the more the dog eats, the more it gets paid- and it gets paid in Purina."

Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Video

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The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog.

It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It's so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate.
-Jay Leno

President Obama has agreed to extend the Bush-era tax cuts. Because if there's anything we need, it's an extension of the Bush era.
-David Letterman

Great. Let's extend the policies of the guy who gave us the greatest recession in the history of the planet.
-David Letterman

So it's Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it'll be up to President Palin.
-David Letterman

Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week's TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she's rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain.
-David Letterman

Sarah Palin shot a reindeer on the last episode of her show. You don't typically see politicians shooting reindeer to death two weeks before Christmas.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Between the made-up words and wildly shooting at anything with four legs, Sarah Palin is turning into Elmer Fudd.
-Jimmy Kimmel

On Sarah Palin's next show she gets together with Kate Gosselin and her kids. This may be the biggest meeting of media whores since Michael and Dina Lohan got together to conceive Lindsay.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The WikiLeaks founder is being sought by Swedish authorities on charges of sexual assault. He says, if he's arrested, he'll release a poison pill of encoded documents, including ones about UFOs. Arrest him. I want to hear about the UFOs.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Julian Assange was arrested by British authorities. Our secrets are safe- as long as no one else figures out how to use the Internet.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks.
-Jay Leno

'A Charlie Brown Christmas' was just on. According to a recent poll, most Americans think Charlie Brown is a Muslim.
-David Letterman

Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing you of running a scam. Cheney has offered to be hooked up to a polygraph, as soon as he's unhooked from the defibrillator.
-Jay Leno

The season wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing.
-Jon Stewart on the War on Christmas

Legislation was enacted in 1993 designed to allow gay people to serve in the military as long as they told their colleagues that the ripped, topless and be-jean shorted fireman that they had in their foot locker was cousin Rico.
-Jon Stewart on Don't Ask, Don't Tell

The Republicans might be willing to allow homosexual men and women to die for their country, once anyone earning over $500,000 a year is allowed to park in handicapped spaces and be addressed as 'Guvner' in an English accent.
-Daily Show correspondent John Oliver on Don't Ask Don't Tell

Categories: About.com, Barack Obama, Charlie Brown, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Democrats, Dick Cheney, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Financial Melt Down, George W. Bush, Haliburton, In the news, Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, John McCain, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Julian Assange, Kate Gosselin, Late Night TV, Lindsay Lohan, Nigeria, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Quotes of the day, Republicans, Sarah Palin, TV, WikiLeaks

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Socialist, big-government Obamacare-like demands placed on patriotic Missouri puppy mill owners...

Categories: Daily Show, Dogs, Video

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The Daily Show's Jon Stewart shows once again why the court jester's ability to speak truth to power makes "fake news" better than the rest of the media.

Categories: Barack Obama, Daily Show, Jon Stewart, Video

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Americans have a tendency to think the problem with politics lies with their candidates and not themselves. The truth is Americans deserve the blame for the state of our politics and the state of our media.
-Jonah Goldberg

Categories: Conservatives, Daily Show, Democrats, Elections, Hypocrisy, Indecision 2010, Infidelities, In the news, Jon Stewart, Media and Advertising, Politics, Republicans, TV, Video, YouTube

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We are not going to be any different than what we've been.
-Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio)

Categories: Bill Cassidy, Congress, Conservatives, Daily Show, Dennis Hastert, Dick Armey, Elections, Hypocrisy, Indecision 2010, In the news, Jason Chaffetz, Jeb Hensarling, Jim Nussle, John Boehner, Jon Stewart, Newt Gingrich, Peter Roskam, Pledge to America, Politics, Republicans, Video

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One of the great things about The Daily Show is that it allows its guests to elaborate without time limits, then posts the full segments on its website.

Here's Bill Clinton's latest appearance on the program, where he discusses the current economic situation, health care, the state of politics in the country, and his suggestions for restoring jobs.

Categories: Bill Clinton, Daily Show, Democrats, Economy, Environment, Globalization, Government, Healthcare, Interviews, Jon Stewart, Newt Gingrich, Republicans, Teabaggers, Tea Party, Unemployment, Video

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August 28, 1963

"I am happy to join with you today, in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

"Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of captivity.

"But one hundred years later, we must face the tragic fact that the Negro is still not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize an appalling condition.

"In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men would be guaranteed the inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

"It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check which has come back marked "insufficient funds." But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check -- a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to open the doors of opportunity to all of God's children. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood.

"It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment and to underestimate the determination of the Negro. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

"But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

"We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny and their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

"And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

"I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

"Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

"I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

"I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

"I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

"I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

"I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

"I have a dream today.

"I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.

"I have a dream today.

"I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

"This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

"This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

"And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

"Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

"Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California!

"But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

"Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

"Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

"When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Categories: Civil Rights, Classic, Daily Show, Freedom, Glenn Beck, History, Hypocrisy, I have a dream..., Jon Stewart, Martin Luther King, Jr., Video, WTF?

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"Fox (News) tells us the terrible thing about this Kingdom Foundation... it's a very bad guy, but they never mention this fella's name. And they never showed this fella's picture. And they certainly never mentioned the fella they're talking about is part owner- of their company! Did the gang at Fox and Friends genuinely not know the head of the Kingdom Foundation's name and the fact that he is one of their part owners, or were they purposely covering it up because it did not help their fear-driven narrative?"-Jon Stewart

"If they're not as stupid as I believe them to be, they are really ******* evil."

"And if they're not as evil as I think they are, they are stupid."

"We're talking potatoes with mouths."

Categories: Al-Waleed bin Talal, Church and State, Daily Show, Evil, First Amendment, Fox News, Ground Zero, Hypocrisy, Imam Rauf, In the news, Jon Stewart, Kingdom Foundation, News Corporation, Politics, Religion, Republicans, Rudy Giuliani, Rupert Murdoch, Stupidity, Video, Wahhabists, WTF?

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In principle, at least:

"Tragedy has been and will always be with us. Somewhere right now, evil people are planning to do evil things. All of us will do everything meaningful, everything we can do to prevent it. But each horrible act can't become an ax for opportunists to cleave the very Bill of Rights that binds us. America must stop this predictable pattern of reaction. When an isolated, terrible event occurs, our phones ring, demanding that the NRA explain the inexplicable. Why us? Because their story needs a villain... That is not our role in American society, and we will not be forced to play it. If you disagree, that's your right. I respect that. But we will not relinquish it, or be silenced about it, or be told 'Do not come here, your are unwelcome in your own land.' "-Charlton Heston

"Thank you, Charlton Heston. Of course, he was speaking out after another tragedy, when people on the left had demanded that the NRA, out of respect to the recent victims of Columbine, not hold their scheduled NRA convention in Denver, near the site of the tragedy. And by the way, I'm sure that I would have been one of those people: painting too narrow a picture, connecting irresponsibly the actions of two psychotics to an entire group of reasonable people expressing their Constitutional rights... the point is, I was wrong and Heston was right. And if you replace NRA with Muslim community and second amendment with first amendment, he's still right."-Jon Stewart, on The Daily Show, which is, inexplicably, still the best source of unbiased news and cogent commentary on cable.

The Daily Show clip above reminds me of what I wrote when Heston died two years ago.

Charlton Heston initially made his mark portraying Moses and Ben Hur. Most recently, he's remembered for his tenure as NRA president and the comment about prying his rifle from his cold, dead hands.

That's unfortunate.

Heston was a man who did not wear his beliefs like seasonal sportswear. He did not parrot the official party line or mindlessly repeat the neocon talking points du jour. His famous sound bite overshadows his true legacy: a conservative whose dedication to dignity, manners and reasoned discourse should be adopted by those of all ideological leanings.

Whenever I heard him speak at length- not the snippets pulled out of context for cable news, but in full conversations with qualified interviewers- he accomplished something that very few conservatives have been able to do. He made me think about my position, review the logic that he used to arrive at his different viewpoint and- in some cases- reconsider my stance. He rarely, if ever, actually changed my mind. But in eloquently stating the opposing view, he made me respect it and seek potential areas of compromise.

He didn't accomplish this with ad hominem attacks, alliterative or rhyming jingoism, macho bluster, or any of the other quasi-intellectual blunt instruments typically employed in what passes as discourse these days. And no one would have been better at it. Who else but Heston, True Lies director James Cameron noted, could play someone "who can plausibly intimidate Arnold Schwarzenegger?"

Read and listen to Heston's famous Winning The Cultural War address to the Harvard Law School Forum. While you may not agree with everything he says, you must agree it is a quintessential example of what free speech and political discourse should be in this country."

I don't know whether he would have backed the Tea Party movement given the suspect nature of its "grassroots" support. But I suspect the group would gain a lot more credibility if it followed Heston's advice:

"Well, the answer's been here all along. I learned it 36 years ago, on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C., standing with Dr. Martin Luther King and two hundred thousand people.

"You simply disobey. Peaceably, yes. Respectfully, of course. Nonviolently, absolutely. But when told how to think or what to say or how to behave, we don't. We disobey the social protocol that stifles and stigmatizes personal freedom."

Heston was a gentleman and an American. We've lost a great guy.

"Political correctness is just tyranny with manners. I wish for you the courage to be unpopular. Popularity is history's pocket change. Courage is history's true currency."
-Charlton Heston

Categories: Al-Waleed bin Talal, Bill O'Reilly, Charlton Heston, Church and State, Daily Show, Dick Morris, Eric Bolling, First Amendment, Fox News, Ground Zero, Hypocrisy, Imam Rauf, In the news, Jon Stewart, News Corporation, Newt Gingrich, Osama bin Laden, Politics, Religion, Republicans, Rudy Giuliani, Rupert Murdoch, Video, Wahhabists

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A short explanation of Republican legislative policy:

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When Lou Dobbs thinks your position on immigration is extreme, you've really gone around the bend...

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‎"Being a Methodist is easy. It's like the University of Phoenix of religions: you send them fifty bucks and click 'I agree' and you're saved..."

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An army intelligence analyst records classified Afghan war documents onto a Lady Gaga CD:

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Finally, a guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking.
~Jon Stewart, 'The Daily Show' (speaking of Glenn Beck)

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"Remember that terrible thing that Bush did, that we fought for eight years to convice you wasn't bad, but actually good? Well now we use those very incidents as the low-water mark for your guy!"

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...destroy the illusion...

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