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"Chlamydia, your Dad's here..."
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Published Tuesday, December 16, 2014 @ 11:30 PM EST
Dec 16 2014

Craig Ferguson ends his ten-year run on CBS' Late Late Show this Friday. His segments with Robin Williams were always tremendous. In this clip from November 2011, Williams drops by unannounced to sit in on the nightly e-mail segment. Their off-the-wall conversation gets a well-deserved standing ovation at the end of the segment.

The Paley Center for Media in Los Angeles celebrated Craig's tenure with a great interview conducted by Academy Award-winning screenwriter, comic and actor Jim Rash.


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Robin Williams, Video, YouTube


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Quotes of the day: Anna Quindlen
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Published Monday, July 07, 2014 @ 8:15 PM EDT
Jul 07 2014

Anna Marie Quindlen (b July 8, 1952) is an American author, journalist, and opinion columnist whose New York Times column, Public and Private, won the Pulitzer Prize for Commentary in 1992. She began her journalism career in 1974 as a reporter for the New York Post. Between 1977 and 1994 she held several posts at The New York Times. (Click for full Wikipedia article.)

-----

A finished person is a boring person.

Acts of bravery don't always take place on battlefields. They can take place in your heart, when you have the courage to honor your character, your intellect, your inclinations, and yes, your soul by listening to its clean, clear voice of direction instead of following the muddied messages of a timid world.

And sometimes you do everything right and something bad just happens. It's as simple, and as scary, as that.

But never fear, gentlemen; castration was really not the point of feminism, and we women are too busy eviscerating one another to take you on.

Catastrophe is numerical. Loss is singular, one beloved at a time.

Control is a nice concept, little more.

[Dr. Seuss] is remembered for the murder of Dick and Jane, which was a mercy killing of the highest order.

For the young the days go fast and the years go slow; for the old the days go slow and the years go fast.

Guilt is what separates humans from animals.

Have you ever noticed that what passes as a terrific man would only be an adequate woman?

Here is one of the worst things about having someone you love die: It happens again every single morning.

I conveniently forgot to remember that people only have two hands, or, as another parent once said of having a third child, it's time for a zone defense instead of man-to-man.

I have a cat, the pet that ranks just above a throw pillow in terms of required responsibility.

I know from experience that those least capable of truly assessing any marriage are the children who come out of it. We style them as we need them, to excuse our faults, to insulate ourselves from our own expendability or indispensability.

I would be the most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.

If your success is not on your own terms, if it looks good to the world but does not feel good in your heart, it is not success at all.

It's only before realities set in that we can treasure our delusions.

Maybe crazy is just the word we use for feelings that will not be contained.

New York City has finally hired women to pick up the garbage, which makes sense to me, since, as I've discovered, a good bit of being a woman consists of picking up garbage.

One of the useful things about age is realizing conventional wisdom is often simply inertia with a candy coating of conformity.

Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance.

People who wish to salute the free and independent side of their evolutionary character acquire cats. People who wish to pay homage to their servile and salivating roots own dogs.

The life of a good dog is like the life of a good person, only shorter and more compressed.

The voices of conformity speak so loudly. Don't listen to them. No one does the right thing out of fear.

There's something undeniable about the posture of a person trying not to acknowledge your existance.

This is how I learn most of what I know about my children and their friends: by sitting in the driver's seat and keeping quiet.

We're part of a mixed marriage: he's male, I'm female.

What I expect from my male friends is that they are polite and clean. What I expect from my female friends is unconditional love, the ability to finish my sentences for me when I am sobbing, a complete and total willingness to pour their hearts out to me, and the ability to tell me why the meat thermometer isn't supposed to touch the bone.

What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

When you really want to say no, say no. You can't do everything- or at least not well.

You can tell a really wonderful quote by the fact that it's attributed to a whole raft of wits.

You cannot be really first-rate at your work if your work is all you are.

Your children make it impossible to regret your past. They're its finest fruits. Sometimes the only ones.


Categories: Anna Quindlen, Craig Ferguson, Quotes of the day, Video, YouTube


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Quotes of the day: Happy birthday, Craig Ferguson!
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Published Saturday, May 17, 2014 @ 12:00 AM EDT
May 17 2014

Craig Ferguson (b. May 17, 1962) is a Scottish-born American television host, stand-up comedian, writer, actor, director, author, producer and voice artist. He is the host of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, an Emmy Award-nominated, Peabody Award-winning late- night talk show that has aired on CBS since January, 2005. Ferguson will leave the show in December, 2014. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)

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It's hard to stay up
It's been a long, long day
And you got the sandman at the door
But hang on, leave the TV on
And let's do it anyway
It's okay!
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, OK?
Hey hey!
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

Tell the clock on the wall
Forget the wakeup call
Cause the night's not nearly through
Wipe the sleep from your eyes
Give yourself a surprise
Let your worries wait another day
And if you stay too late at at the bar
At least you made it out this far
So make up your mind and say
Let's do it anyway!
It's okay!
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, okay?
Hey hey!
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

Life's too short to worry about
The things that you can live without
And I regret to say
The morning light is hours away
The world can be such a fright
But it belongs to us tonight
What's the point of going to bed?
You look so lovely when your eyes are red!

Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

The world can be such a fright
But it belongs to us tonight
What's the point of going to bed?
You look so lovely when your eyes are red!

It's hard to stay up
It's been a long, long day
And you got the sandman at the door
But hang on, leave the TV on
And let's do it anyway
It's okay!
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, OK?
Hey hey!
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

-----

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

Change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.

Failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

I'm always a bit shy around evil people.

If you really don't want gay people to get married, you shouldn't ban gay marriage, you ban gay divorce.

It's a great day for America, everybody!

It's easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of 'what if' when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, 'Pay attention, this could be fun.'

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

To most Americans, soccer is like warm hockey.

Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

White Americans have a very unusual sense of history. They make it up as they go along, constantly revising to suit their tastes in a manner that would make Stalin blush. Very few of them saw any irony in the fact that during a recent nasty Balkans conflict, when Uncle Sam intervened to stop the Serbs from ethnically cleansing the Bosnians, the military action was performed using Apache helicopter gunships. Helicopters named after a people that had been ethnically cleansed in the United States less than one hundred years previously. Sixteen lane highways across the sacred burial grounds. Yee-hah.

You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Quotes of the day, Video, YouTube


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, June 28, 2013 @ 2:36 PM EDT
Jun 28 2013

If you really don't want gay people to get married, you shouldn't ban gay marriage, you ban gay divorce.

Goldfish crackers have launched a macaroni and cheese line. 'Cause after all the Paula Deen stuff, it's nice to finally hear some good news about crackers.
-Craig Ferguson


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Thursday, January 17, 2013 @ 6:31 AM EST
Jan 17 2013

At one point during the taping, Lance [Armstrong] said, "I propagated one of the greatest frauds in American history," and Oprah went, "Whoa, easy there Uniball, I'm the one that discovered Dr. Phil."
-Craig Ferguson


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Quotes of the day


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Happy birthday, Dick and Larry
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Published Monday, November 19, 2012 @ 12:05 AM EST
Nov 19 2012

Larry King is 79 today; Dick Cavett is 76.

Two legendary talk show hosts with entirely different personalities and approaches; yet the prosaic King and the cosmopolitan Cavett both killed on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson earlier this year.


(YouTube video: Larry King inhabits the body of Geoff the Robot. Hilarity ensues.)


(YouTube video: Including such delights as a joke based on an obscure reference to Edward Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire.)


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Dick Cavett, Larry King, TV, Video, YouTube


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It's like Pee Wee's Playhouse on crack
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Published Saturday, January 14, 2012 @ 8:45 AM EST
Jan 14 2012

That was host Craig Ferguson's description of his Late Late Show, and it's fairly accurate.

The above clip is from last year's Labor Day episode, in which Craig's sidekick, a robot skeleton named Geoff Peterson (constructed by Mythbusters engineering whiz Grant Imahara), showed up drunk and responded to the appearance of Secretariat, a recurring gag.

I usually record the show and watch it before going to work. Trust me, starting off with Craig, Geoff and Secretariat better prepares you for the day than watching Today, GMA, or CBS' morning show du jour.


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Video, WTF?, YouTube


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, September 17, 2011 @ 4:17 AM EDT
Sep 17 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
-Jay Leno

President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in second place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.
-Conan O'Brien

A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.
-Conan O'Brien

A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them.
-Jimmy Kimmel

If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.
-Jimmy Kimmel

People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.
-Jimmy Fallon

Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'
-Conan O'Brien

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
-Conan O'Brien

Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.
-Jay Leno

There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.
-Jay Leno

President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for.
-Jimmy Kimmel

My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else.
-Stephen Colbert

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
-Craig Ferguson

President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'
-Conan O'Brien

A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'
-Conan O'Brien

In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.
-Conan O'Brien

Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president.
-Jay Leno

Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.
-Jay Leno

If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president.
-Jimmy Fallon

His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …
-Jimmy Fallon

Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.
-Jay Leno

Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents?'
-Jay Leno

In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the 'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.
-Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.
-Craig Ferguson

Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.
-Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing.
-David Letterman

They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
-David Letterman

I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
-David Letterman

You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV.
-David Letterman

Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.
-David Letterman

Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'
-Conan O'Brien

Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.
-Conan O'Brien

Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'
-Jay Leno

Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?
-Jay Leno

Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.
-Jay Leno

Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.
-Jay Leno

According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.
-Jay Leno

The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped.
-Jimmy Fallon


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Founding Fathers, Star Wars, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, September 10, 2011 @ 6:54 AM EDT
Sep 10 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

(YouTube video: The Republican debate in 45 seconds.)

The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house.
-Conan O'Brien

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.
-Conan O'Brien

The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks.
-Conan O'Brien

To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.
-Conan O'Brien

In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.
-Conan O'Brien

Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin.
-David Letterman

The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.
-David Letterman

Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses three more points she goes on 'Dancing with the Stars.'
-David Letterman

Homeland Security is saying you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel. I just hope they don’t stop wanding my inner thighs.
-David Letterman

During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type two diabetes.
-Jimmy Kimmel

This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?
-Jimmy Kimmel

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."
-Jay Leno

Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, "You've got to be kidding me!"
–Jimmy Fallon

Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another five years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs.
-Stephen Colbert


Categories: Animals, Craig Ferguson, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert, WTF?


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Solid advice
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Published Wednesday, June 29, 2011 @ 7:31 AM EDT
Jun 29 2011

From the viewer e-mail segment of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson:

Q: Dear Craig, how can I get rid of an annoying relative who won't leave my house?

A: Alimony.


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Questions for the Ages


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Friday, June 03, 2011 @ 9:06 AM EDT
Jun 03 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.
-Craig Ferguson

Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin, on visiting Mt. Vernon, the home of George Washington: "Even Piper was able to grasp the significance of being in the presence of our first President- who had such diverse interests- when she told me later: 'how hard he must have worked to keep that farm going!'" Stephen Colbert: "It's true. I cannot imagine how hard he worked with no help other than his African volunteers."

Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn’t that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end?
-Jay Leno

This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour, which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states.
-Jay Leno

Harold Camping is now predicting that the world will end in October. In show business terms, that means God has picked us up for another 22 weeks.
-Jay Leno

Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won't say he's boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore.
-Jay Leno

The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, "Now who can't drive the car?"
-Conan O'Brien

The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars.
-Jay Leno

President Obama was in Ireland last week. While he was there, his Secret Service codename was, "the black guy that's in Ireland."
-Conan O'Brien

Bristol Palin said she doesn't plan on having any more babies anytime soon. Then she added, "But that never stopped me before."
-Jimmy Fallon


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert


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Political jokes of the week: Trump edition
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Published Saturday, April 16, 2011 @ 10:24 AM EDT
Apr 16 2011

Recent Donald Trump-related late-night jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show.
-Jay Leno

Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: "A complex world demands complex hair."
-David Letterman

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
-Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as "blue" and his hair as "ridiculous."
-Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs- another blonde airhead.
-Bill Maher

If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?
-Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of Celebrity Apprentice is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever- I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.
-Jimmy Kimmel

In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said "I believe in God." But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself.
-Jay Leno

Maybe he should ease into this- by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.
-Jimmy Kimmel

If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in Back to the Future 2, when Biff was in charge.
-Jimmy Kimmel

On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka.
-Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump called George W. Bush "the worst president in the history of the United States." Then he added, "Until, of course, I'm elected."
-Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.
-David Letterman


Categories: Craig Ferguson


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Friday, April 08, 2011 @ 8:42 AM EDT
Apr 08 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

We're heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?
-Jay Leno

The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden...
-Jimmy Fallon

We are just four days away from the government shutdown, which will cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it.
-Stephen Colbert

Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head.
-Jimmy Fallon

The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it- just like he did with being president.
-Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'
-Jay Leno

President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He's not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He's forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to, every time we go to war.
-Jon Stewart

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.
-Craig Ferguson

So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch.
-Stephen Colbert

Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water.
-Conan O'Brien

There's a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the White House, and it's rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath. That's a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette.
-Jimmy Kimmel

I think Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D.C.' after just one season. That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs are losing their jobs.
-Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever— I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore,' but the U.S. government is still up in the air.
-Conan O'Brien

If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing.
-Jay Leno

A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
-Craig Ferguson

It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?
-Jimmy Kimmel

While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi's forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.
-Jay Leno


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
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Published Thursday, February 24, 2011 @ 8:03 AM EST
Feb 24 2011

Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is "King."
-Craig Ferguson


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Quotes of the day


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, February 11, 2011 @ 10:45 AM EST
Feb 11 2011

Despite the massive protests, the Egyptian president is still refusing to leave. They're calling him "Leno of the Nile."
-Craig Ferguson


Categories: Craig Ferguson


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Let's do it anyway...
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Published Friday, February 11, 2011 @ 7:11 AM EST
Feb 11 2011

Some late night television shows just have non-descript theme music. The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson has a philosophy.

It's hard to stay up
It's been a long, long day
And you got the sandman at the door
But hang on, leave the TV on
And let's do it anyway
It's okay!
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, OK?
Hey hey!
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

Tell the clock on the wall
Forget the wakeup call
Cause the night's not nearly through
Wipe the sleep from your eyes
Give yourself a surprise
Let your worries wait another day
And if you stay too late at at the bar
At least you made it out this far
So make up your mind and say
Let's do it anyway!
It's okay!
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, okay?
Hey hey!
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

Life's too short to worry about
The things that you can live without
And I regret to say
The morning light is hours away
The world can be such a fright
But it belongs to us tonight
What's the point of going to bed?
You look so lovely when your eyes are red!

Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

The world can be such a fright
But it belongs to us tonight
What's the point of going to bed?
You look so lovely when your eyes are red!

It's hard to stay up
It's been a long, Long Day
And you got the sandman at the door
But hang on, leave the TV on
And let's do it anyway
It's okay!
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, OK?
Hey hey!
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Music, Video, YouTube


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The past and current kings
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Published Wednesday, December 22, 2010 @ 4:58 AM EST
Dec 22 2010

Dick Cavett visits Craig Ferguson, and both impress. Dick throws out an obscure reference to Edward Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, and Craig gets it.


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Dick Cavett, Video, YouTube


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, December 18, 2010 @ 6:36 AM EST
Dec 18 2010

The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the six foot mouse is real.
-Conan O'Brien

Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there's one thing that's reassuring, it's seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter.
-Jimmy Fallon

Poor Haitians, they can't get a break. First the earthquake, then the hurricanes, and now Sarah Palin.
-David Letterman

Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' and Palin told Kate that you're putting your family in danger if you don't bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there's always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness.
-Jimmy Fallon

FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That's right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'
-Jimmy Fallon

George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, 'I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by... someone.
-Jimmy Fallon

Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because one in four young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?
-Jimmy Kimmel

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
-Craig Ferguson

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.
-Jay Leno

Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door.
-Conan O'Brien

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'
-Craig Ferguson


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Political Jokes of the Week


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"You are an idiot. That was not a copy. It was... an homage."
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Published Thursday, December 02, 2010 @ 8:20 AM EST
Dec 02 2010

Remember the cheeky French bastard that ripped off the format of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson? Here's an update.


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Video, YouTube


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"Intellect and romance triumph over brute force and cynicism"
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Published Wednesday, December 01, 2010 @ 11:27 PM EST
Dec 01 2010

TV's Craig Ferguson supplies expository lyrics to the Doctor Who theme, along with a Dalek, snappy choreography, puppets, and the good Doctor himself.

By the way, the clip's called "The lost Doctor Who cold open" because the segment never aired. Worldwide Pants couln't secure clearance for use of the theme song. Instead, the cold open was this:


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Video, YouTube


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Another reason to despise the French [UPDATED]
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Published Tuesday, November 23, 2010 @ 5:11 AM EST
Nov 23 2010

Ok, to be totally honest, I never have bought into the widespread anti-French sentiment that sweeps the US from time to time. I'm not particularly fond of them either, but if it weren't for France, the United States would have never won the Revolutionary War.

That said, the froggy little bastards have gone too far. They're now stealing American intellectual property:

The show is called "Ce soir avec Arthur" (Tonight with Arthur) and shamelessly rips off elements of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Ferguson's show is unique in the late night talk show genre. Copying the generic American talk show is one thing; stealing Ferguson's ineffable format is just plain despicable. They even have the audacity to post their crap on YouTube.

While CBS airs Ferguson's program, the show is owned by Worldwide Pants, David Letterman's production company. It'll be interesting to see what happens when Dave gets medieval on their ass.

-----

"You are an idiot. That was not a copy. It was... an homage."

So instead of calling the lawyers, Ferguson flies Arthur to LA and confronts him personally, with unexpected results. And then dedicates two more segments of the show to his homage buddy.


Categories: Craig Ferguson, WTF?, YouTube


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Political jokes of the week
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Published Friday, November 12, 2010 @ 8:47 AM EST
Nov 12 2010

Visit Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog for his weekly round-up of late night political humor.

President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?
-David Letterman

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate.
-David Letterman

Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, three out of four Indonesians believe he's an American.
-Conan O'Brien

President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star.
-Craig Ferguson

One of Obama's childhood friends said he was chubby and ran like a duck. I think that proves he's not Kenyan. That's as American as it gets.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Bristol Palin has made it to the semi-finals of 'Dancing with the Stars.' I'm not saying she's going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for it's going all the way." —Jimmy Fallon

What if Bristol Palin wins 'Dancing with the Stars?' How afraid can America be of her mother? She can't dance. She's not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is the 'with the.' I wouldn't have believed that a dancing competition could make me question whether I really live in a democracy or not.
-Jimmy Kimmel

I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency.
-Jimmy Fallon

In his new book, George W. Bush says he's happy to be out of Washington. Well, it's unanimous.
-David Letterman

George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time? Really?
-David Letterman

In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face.
-David Letterman

President Bush is back. And people really seem to love that new red beard. But he's getting criticism. John Boehner, new Speaker of the House, says Bush doesn't care about orange people.
-David Letterman

The Pentagon says it doesn't know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can't believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House.
-Jimmy Fallon

JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage- the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for ten years.
-Jimmy Fallon

A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular.
-Jimmy Fallon

Republicans fresh off their victory on Election Day say their first priority will be to dismantle the new health care law. And believe me, there's nothing people without a job love more than less health care.
-Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton says she will not run again for President. Your move, Brett Favre. ... When Hillary says she's not running, is she really not running? Or just pulling a Leno?
-David Letterman

President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober.
-Jay Leno


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Political Jokes of the Week, Quotes of the day


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Quotes of the day
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Published Wednesday, November 10, 2010 @ 3:51 PM EST
Nov 10 2010

"In his new book George W. Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea."
-Jimmy Fallon

"Former President George W. Bush has written his memoir. It's called Decision Points. I've already decided not to read it. … He'll be everywhere promoting the book. He's on the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water boarding the veal cutlets."
-David Letterman

"No sir, I'm not going to read it until he reads it."
-David Letterman

"In his new book, George W. Bush says he's happy to be out of Washington. Well, it's unanimous."
-David Letterman

"In an interview with Matt Lauer, President Bush revealed the most embarrassing thing he ever did when he was drunk. He asked a friend of his parents at a dinner party what sex was like after 50. Which is not so bad when you consider John McCain's most embarrassing moment. He picked Sarah Palin sober."
-Jay Leno

"Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'"
-Craig Ferguson

"Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles."
-Craig Ferguson

"In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of."
-Craig Ferguson

"Well George W. Bush is on the big book tour this week. During an interview with USA Today, Bush said that he was, 'blindsided by the financial crisis.' Bush said he was also blindsided by the fact that he knew the word blindsided."
-Jimmy Fallon


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Quotes of the day


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Best Late-Night Jokes of 2010 (So Far)
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Published Saturday, October 23, 2010 @ 5:31 AM EDT
Oct 23 2010

Daniel Kurtzman does a superb job running About.com's political humor category, and he's put together a page of Best Late-Night Jokes of 2010 (So Far), a representative sample of which follows:

Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage.
-Jay Leno

Levi Johnston is running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Ironically, many of the babies he'll kiss on the campaign trail will be his own.
-Jay Leno

How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school.
-Bill Maher, on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand Paul

While criticizing President Obama during an interview on Good Morning America this week, Rudy Giuliani said, "We had no domestic attacks under Bush." You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first.
-Seth Meyers

The Supreme Court ruled that the government cannot stop corporations from spending money on political candidates. Which explains why Sarah Palin has accepted $1 million to change her name to Pizza Hut.
-Jimmy Fallon

What a week in Washington. They passed health care, they're talking about immigration reform, it looks like they've ended "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," and they're legalizing marijuana. Let me tell you something, if you're a gay drug dealer from Mexico who snuck across the border for free health care so you could join the Navy, this is the greatest year of your life.
-Jay Leno

Of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already.
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin's also getting criticized because last week she demanded that Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, step down because he used the word retarded. But then, Rush Limbaugh did the same thing on his radio show, and that, she said, was O.K. Unfortunately, she's been unable to respond to the criticism because she's wearing mittens.
-Jimmy Kimmel

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.
-David Letterman

I find it strange that Sarah Palin would be shopping a reality show considering the fact that she hasn't shown much interest in reality.
-Jimmy Kimmel

During his acceptance speech, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that his two daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? "Four score and seven years ago," "Ask not what your country can do for you," "I have a dream," and now, "My daughters are both available."
Jimmy Fallon

One of John McCain's former top campaign aides says that when he talked to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said it was "God's plan." So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win.
-Jay Leno

Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck, so she'll be fine.
-Craig Ferguson

Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off.
-Jay Leno

Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska.
-Bill Maher

Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother's battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign.
-Bill Maher, on Obama's health care summit


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Quotes of the day, Supreme Court


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On the campaign trail
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Published Thursday, September 30, 2010 @ 11:26 AM EDT
Sep 30 2010

(via "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson)


Categories: Craig Ferguson


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