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The party's over
(permalink)

Published Tuesday, July 22, 2014 @ 8:31 PM EDT
Jul 22 2014


(by Farley Katz in The New Yorker)


Categories: Cartoons, Farley Katz, The New Yorker, Weird Al Yankovic


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Tradition
(permalink)

Published Friday, July 04, 2014 @ 1:57 AM EDT
Jul 04 2014

Who's drunk enough for fireworks?
(from The New Yorker)

Remember: The combination of sun, beer and fireworks makes July 4th the Final Four weekend of Darwin Awards. Make wise choices.
-@pourmecoffee


Categories: Cartoons, Holidays


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Cleaning off the desktop
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Published Sunday, June 01, 2014 @ 3:58 AM EDT
Jun 01 2014

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From @BillMurray on Twitter:

Someone should make a shoe made out of Legos, so that when you step on a Lego, it doesn't hurt, you just get taller.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin.

Hey welcome to Hollister, would you like a gas mask, flashlight, or earplugs?

Life is too short to remove the USB safely.

I do math wrong about 99° of the time.

If Google can't find the answer, it's not a question.

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I'm not a big fan of lawn ornaments, but this Think Geek exclusive makes me re-think my position.

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I don't know how the world will end, but I suspect it will be with the highest corporate profits ever recorded.
-Robert Brault

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When people say, "Guns aren't the problem, mental illness is the problem," I reply, "They're both problems, and right now we're not addressing either of them."
-Andy Borowitz

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"Excalibur" is a contraction of the Latin phrase ex calce liberatus- "freed from out the stone".

You're welcome.

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From @LOLGOP on Twitter:

Marco Rubio says he won't admit that he's smoked pot because kids look up to him. What a horrible thing to say about kids.

Only a guy who knows every part of a gun can debate gun safety but let's get our climate science from Fox and Friends.

Three women a day are murdered by a partner/ex. 83 die of gun violence. Zero die of gay marriage, voting without an ID or too much health care.

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It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, which means I also work harder than those damned lazy happy people.
-Paula Poundstone

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There is an entire branch of psychology specializing in children who will not join the common madness.
-Robert Brault

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Kids are kids. Moms are moms. Species is irrelevant.

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Three-day weekends are like bad boyfriends; exciting at first, exhausting by the end, and always shorter than you hoped for.
-Bette Midler

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All I ask is that we treat Michele Bachmann with the same diligence we treat other nut allergies.
-Lizz Winstead

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB.


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, May 25, 2014 @ 9:52 AM EDT
May 25 2014

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Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, 'We've been expecting you.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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Godzilla, in happier times.

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Sad but true: Radioactive kitty litter may have ruined our best hope to store nuclear waste

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Quote of the week:
Don't force stupid people to be quiet. I want to know who the morons are.
-Mark Cuban

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BBC says Senators have called for a new name for the Washington Redskins. They suggest the Washington Powerful Old Honkies.
-@PaulaPoundstone

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The outstanding problem of cryogenics isn't whether future advances in technology will enable you to be unfrozen and brought back to life 10,000 years from now. The outstanding problem of cryogenics is whether 250 consecutive generations of security guards earning $6.50 an hour will remember to check the thermostat every night.
-John Alejandro King (The Covert Comic)

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Skies over Chicago, Wednesday evening, May 21:
a) lightning
b) they crossed the streams
c) Dr. Jenning is summoning the Dark Overlords
(Photo by Andrew Chase)

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There's a certain satisfying irony in the fact that the speed with which same-sex marriage is being adopted is due not to states passing bills in favor of it, but in the courts ruling as unconstitutional the bills prohibiting it. An excellent example of the law of unintended consequences. Interesting trivia: John Jones III, the federal court judge who ruled Pennsylvania's defense of marriage act unconstitutional, was nominated to the bench by then-Senator Rick Santorum.

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Hate to say this, but because of Pat Sajak's awful remarks, I will no longer look to game show hosts for moral guidance.
=@FrankConniff

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"Oh my God, we're all gonna die! You know this is serious if someone on Fox News just said 'climate change is real.' I believe that is a sign of the Apocalypse."
-Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

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It seems that trying to fix stupid just makes it worse.

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Daugher-in-law Angela, granddaugter Joelle and son Doug celebrating the at the little one's first birthday party. (It was a WonderPets theme, hence the cape and tiara.)

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I was rinsing out a plastic Dairy Queen cup which had contained one of their "milk" shakes, and one minute of full-force hot water failed to melt or otherwise remove all of the residue. I don't know whether I should throw it in the recycling bin or call a hazmat team.

And... the desktop is clean.
--KGB


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, KGB Family, KGB Opinion, Politics


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Cleaning off the desktop IV: The usual stuff
(permalink)

Published Sunday, May 11, 2014 @ 8:31 AM EDT
May 11 2014

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The Supreme Court says you can pray at public meetings, which you may want to do since the Court is also allowing concealed weapons there.
-Andy Borowitz

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In Landmark Decision, Supreme Court Strikes Down Main Reason Country Was Started.

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In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said her guilty pleasure is eating chocolate. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton said his guilty pleasure is being Bill Clinton.
Conan O'Brien

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Guess who's back? Monica Lewinsky. She did an interview in the upcoming Vanity Fair. This is big news... in 1998. If you are happy that Monica Lewinsky is back in the news that means you're probably an aging writer because it was the golden age of comedy, ladies and gentlemen.
-David Letterman

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On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that's what you want to see at a dinner- Chris Christie after he wasn't able to eat for 24 hours.
-Jimmy Fallon

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The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit.
-Conan O'Brien

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The political scene in Washington one of few places I've seen that's more grasping and desperate than show business. Hollywood and politics are very different, of course. One puts out big-budget crap filled with explosions. And the other one is Hollywood.
-Craig Ferguson

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Where is the future they promised me? The 21st century is just the 20th century all over again, only in high definition.
--Lewis Black

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Last state to legalize same-sex marriage has to take Rick Santorum.
-@LOLGOP

And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop


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Mom-A-Palooza!
(permalink)

Published Sunday, May 11, 2014 @ 1:33 AM EDT
May 11 2014

When motherhood becomes the fruit of a deep yearning, not the result of ignorance or accident, its children will become the foundation of a new race.
-Margaret Sanger

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.
-Dorothy Canfield Fisher

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.
-Washington Irving

A mother who is not everything for her children: a friend, a teacher, a confidant, a source of joy and founded pride, inducement and soothing, reconciliator, judge and forgiver, that mother obviously chose the wrong job.
-Joseph Goebbels

A mother, who is really a mother, is never free.
-Honoré de Balzac

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
-Peter De Vries

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.
-Judith Martin

All mothers are working mothers.
-Unattributed

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.
-Oscar Wilde

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. (Spanish Proverb)
-Unattributed

Being a king, emperor, or president is mighty small potatoes compared to being a mother.
-Billy Sunday

Being a mother is a noble status, right? So why does it change when you put 'unwed' or 'welfare' in front of it?
-Florynce Kennedy

Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation.
-Robert A. Heinlein

Consult a real expert: call your mother.
-Unattributed

Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
-Robert A. Heinlein

Don't get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother's responsibility. It's a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
-Stephen Colbert

Every mother is like Moses. She does not enter the promised land. She prepares a world she will not see.
-Pope Paul VI

God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once. Then he invented guilt, because mothers couldn't be everywhere at once.
-Unattributed

I have always admired the Esquimaux. One fine day a delicious meal is cooked for dear old mother, and then she goes walking away over the ice, and doesn't come back.
-Agatha Christie

I would have gone home to my mother, but I'm not that crazy about my mother.
-Cher

I'd never do anything vulgar before an audience. My mother wouldn't permit it.
-Elvis Presley

If nothing is going well, call your grandmother.
-Unattributed

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
-Charles Pierce

Just about the time a woman thinks her job is done, she becomes a grandmother.
-Edward H. Dreschnack

Mother is a verb, not a noun.
-Shonda Rhimes

Motherhood is the strangest thing, it can be like being one's own Trojan horse.
-Rebecca West

Mothers are all slightly insane.
-J.D. Salinger

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young. (T-shirt)
-Unattributed

My mother didn't try to stab my father until I was six.
-Alan Alda

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
-Jack Nicholson

My mother said, 'You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate.' I said, 'Just wait.'
-Judy Tenuta

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.
-Barry Humphries

My mother wanted us to understand that the tragedies of your life one day have to potential to be the comic stories the next.
-Nora Ephron

My mother was an ex-nun, and my father was a Franciscan brother, so I grew up believing in Jesus the way anyone would believe in Mom's first husband.
-John Fugelsang

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
-Buddy Hackett

My mother's obsession with the good scissors always scared me a bit. It implied that somewhere in the house there lurked: the evil scissors.
-Tony Martin

No state can be strong which excludes from its expressed wisdom, the knowledge possessed by mothers, wives and daughters.
-W.E.B. DuBois

Sometimes you need a B-2 bomber and sometimes you need your mother.
-P.J. O'Rourke

The art of motherhood involves much silent, unobtrusive self-denial, an hourly devotion which finds no detail too minute.
-Honoré de Balzac

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.
-Honoré de Balzac

The key to living a moral life is this: Do nothing in private that you would be ashamed to discuss openly with your mother.
-J.P. Morgan

The love of a mother is never exhausted; it never changes, it never tires. A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands: but a mother's love endures through all; in good repute, in bad repute, in the face of the world's condemnation, a mother still loves on, and still hopes that her child may turn from his evil ways, and repent; still she remembers the infant smiles that once filled her bosom with rapture, the merry laugh, the joyful shout of his childhood, the opening promise of his youth; and she can never be brought to think him all unworthy.
-Washington Irving

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-Calvin Trillin

The only thing that seems eternal and natural in motherhood is ambivalence.
-Jane Lazarre

There are more quarrels smothered by just shutting your mouth, and holding it shut, than by all the wisdom in the world.
-Henry Ward Beecher

There are only two things a child will share willingly- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
-Dr. Benjamin Spock

There is nothing in the world of art like the songs mother used to sing.
-Billy Sunday

This is the reason why mothers are more devoted to their children than fathers: it is that they suffer more in giving them birth and are more certain that they are their own.
-Aristotle

Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not.
-James Joyce

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.
-Erma Bombeck

You never get over being a child, long as you have a mother to go to.
-Sarah Orne Jewett

Your mother knows how to push your buttons because she installed them.
-Unattributed


Categories: Cartoons, Quotes of the day


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, May 04, 2014 @ 12:18 AM EDT
May 04 2014

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New 2nd Spider-Man movie doing even better than 1st 2nd Spider-Man movie, so now there'll be a 3rd 2nd Spider-Man movie.
-@FrankConniff

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The problem with the Peter Principle is that it assumes somebody somewhere is competent in the first place.
-The Covert Comic

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"You oughta be thankful
A whole heaping lot
For the people and places
You're lucky you're not."
-Dr. Seuss

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A group of 'Law & Order' episodes is called a dundun.
-@goldengateblond

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Only in America can you be pro-death penalty, pro-war, pro-unmanned drone bombs, pro-nuclear weapons, pro-guns, pro-torture, pro-land mines, and still call yourself 'pro-life.'
-John Fugelsang

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Agents of N.E.R.D.S.?

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Some devout Christians are among the most fervent advocates of the death penalty, contradicting Jesus Christ and justifying their belief on an erroneous interpretation of Hebrew Scriptures. 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth,' their most likely response, overlooks the fact that this was promulgated by Moses as a limitation- a prohibition against taking both eyes or all of an offender's teeth in retribution.
-Jimmy Carter

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Donald Sterling is 81. You know what's going to take care of this kind of racism? The flu.
-@billmaher

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Banned for life. Who knows how many months that might be?
-Stephen Colbert

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Just read an obit that read the deceased died "unexpectedly, at home, surrounded by his family," which raises a few questions...

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop


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Cleaning off the desktop
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Published Sunday, April 27, 2014 @ 8:05 AM EDT
Apr 27 2014

From TL;DR Wikipedia:

A jacuzzi is a brand of whirlpool bathtub containing underwater jets designed to therapeutically massage the user with warm streams of bacteria.

Pandora is an internet radio website that allows users to listen to everything but the song they actually want to hear.

Greece is Europe's Detroit

Obsessive-compulsive Disorder (O.C.D) is getting really upset that there's no period after the D in the first part of this sentence.

Pennsylvania is the space between Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.

1040EZ is an IRS form that sums up how alone, childless, and poor you are in one easy document.

The Watergate Scandal was a major political scandal wherein President Richard Nixon had the audacity to wiretap fellow politicians instead of regular U.S. citizens.

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There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations.
-Jodi Picoult

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If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you're probably wasting your time.
-The Covert Comic

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Why history is important:

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Note to self: When I'm writing with voice recognition software, DO NOT TALK TO THE CATS.
-@GretaChristina

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New Georgia state slogan: "We make Florida look safe!"
-Andy Borowitz

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There's a young rabbit in our back yard who has decided to nest in the stand of tall grass. But he also wanders around in the open. Before I can let the dogs out, I have to check that he's not visible; and if he is, I have to scare him into a secure location. The shelties don't pick up on his scent, but Pixie, the small dog-like creature (aka Shih Tzu) goes immediately to the tall grass and starts tracking. I have to watch her so I can call them back in just before she picks up the scent of his current hiding place.

I hope that dumb bunny develops some smarts, and soon. There are hawks and other raptors about, and one of these days they're going to spot him sunning himself.

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Why spelling is important:

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AOL email has been hacked, so if anyone from 1994 gets this tweet, change your password.
-@pourmecoffee

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Sometimes unconditional love goes both ways.
Nice boots, too.

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Conservatives don’t like safety nets because they allegedly make people lazy and careless. But what about safety nets for top executives who fail? Yahoo's recent decision to pay its chief operating officer $96 million for 15 months of work before firing him is just the latest example of handsome rewards for failure in corporate suites.

At least safety nets for the poor help those in need. Safety nets for corporate executives give them no reason to work hard because even when they fail they can vastly increase their wealth. One way to discourage these is to prevent corporations from deducting generous executive severance payments from their taxable incomes.
-Robert Reich

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It's an accepted fact that hot dogs contain insects and rodent hair, but Kraft is recalling 96,000 lbs. because they have cheese in them.
-@PaulaPoundstone

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Ironically, "Cliven Bundy" is what Jerry Lewis yells when he's startled by a black person.

At this point, we're all just waiting for Cliven Bundy to yell "Kansas City faggots!" and ride an A-bomb into the sun.
-@PattonOswalt

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Granddaughter Leanna is a straight A student, loves math, is a compulsive reader, studies martial arts and archery. I think she's going to be a superhero when she grows up.

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, April 06, 2014 @ 7:31 PM EDT
Apr 06 2014

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McDonalds closes in Crimea. Actually, this is serious. The United States has never gone to war with a country that had an operating McDonalds.

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You can't legally own a hedgehog in Pennsylvania.

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REMINDER: Though the Supreme Court says there is no difference, your servers prefer you tip in actual money rather than "speech."
-@LOLGOP

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Saturday Night Live's parody of Fox and Friends included "a list of corrections from our first hour":
-Captain America was never a U.S. President.
-Lifesavers aren't medicine.
-The periodic table is not about "lady stuff."
-You can not abbreviate the Supreme Court to spell SCROTUM.
-Hong Kong is a region in China. Not a video game from Nintendo.
-Malaysia is not the female version of Asia.
-Chicklets do not grow up to be roosters.
-Chris Christie was never in the show "Three's Company."
-Infinity pools have a limited amount of water.
-Garfunkel is not Garfield's black cousin. -The Chile Earthquake is not a bold new product from Dairy Queen.
-Captain Phillips is not a brand of rum.
-Marvin Gaye liked women.
-Nancy Pelosi is a human woman.
-God loves figs.
-Noah is not "found footage."

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All the great buzz about Captain America has convinced me that I need to drop everything and watch it on cable next year.
-@FrankConniff

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In the spring of 1967, 47(!) years ago, Patricia Pugh, John Krause and I represented Homestead Junior High School in the KDKA/Pittsburgh Press spelling bee.

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I have to believe the Supreme Court is working for tips now.
-@ElayneBoosler

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Pixie is an 11 month old Shih Tzu, which supposedly is Mandarin Chinese for "lion," but should be "strange, small, dog-like creature." Sassafras (a corruption of the Latin saxifrage, or "rock-breaker") is a ten year old Shetland Sheepdog. In human years, they're roughly 16 and 60 years old.
"But Dad says we're from the same litter."
"In your dreams, kid."

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There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

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Pittsburgh radio legend Clarke Ingram noted the above happened 50 years ago this month, and hasn't been duplicated by any other artist or group.

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So, Letterman's retiring. Wonder if Leno is available?

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Wonderful YouTube video featuring SPCA of Wake County and Queen.

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Headline of the week:
"Willie Nelson’s armadillo returned
after being kidnapped in Las Vegas"

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany


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Cleaning off the desktop...
(permalink)

Published Sunday, March 30, 2014 @ 11:06 AM EDT
Mar 30 2014

Can you imagine if CNN was on the air when Titanic sank?
-@AlbertBrooks

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Can't print what I'm trying to print, but I accidentally printed 4 pages that say, 'Congratulations! You've successfully setup your printer.'
-@PaulaPoundstone

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While you're mocking the people who thought "Noah" was a documentary you fail to realize "Idiocracy" really was one.
-@JohnFugelsang

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Anyone ever been to a corporate baptism?
-@lizzwinstead

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Motivational Secret of the Week: A clenched fist cannot give the finger.
-The Covert Comic

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Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn't spend much time online. When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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That's right, Putin doesn't have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won't stop bragging about it.
–Jimmy Fallon

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If you're a Douglas Adams fan, you must watch this.

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Ignore the snow. Spring has officially arrived in South Park, Pennsylvania.

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Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they're not calling it a split. They're calling it a 'conscious uncoupling.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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She ran out of toner.

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Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the 'Bling Bishop' after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a 'conscious unbishopping.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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One of President Obama's secret service agents is in trouble now after getting drunk and passing out in a hotel hallway. In his defense, it's spring break! He was wearing a helmet with a beer on either side. That was a bad idea.
–Conan O'Brien

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Canine/Feline Furry Infinity

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The first lady is in China. During her trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left.
–Conan O'Brien

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After playing clips of MSNBC's Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow stating they would not run purely speculative stories about the lost Malaysian jetliner, unlike CNN and Fox, Jon Stewart commented:

"You know, Sherman and Mister Peabody are right..."

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In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.
–Conan O'Brien

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In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile.
–Conan O'Brien

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Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It's expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say 'Yes, I am 18.'
–Seth Meyers

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It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia.
–David Letterman

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Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys.
–David Letterman

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President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman.
–David Letterman

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First lady Michelle Obama is in China right now. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken.
–David Letterman

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A group of Secret Service agents went to Amsterdam ahead of President Obama's visit, but three of them were sent home after they stayed out all night drinking and one of them passed out in the hotel's hallway. I always thought Secret Service agents wore sunglasses to look intimidating. Turns out they're just hung over.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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Toronto held the first mayoral debate of 2014 tonight. Rob Ford faced four challengers. When Rob Ford ran for mayor in 2010, his slogan was 'Stop the gravy train.' Then he realized he loves gravy. And you need a train to get it there.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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This is the difference between our countries. None of the other candidates specifically mentioned drugs. They let Mayor Ford say over and over again that he's the only candidate with a proven track record. He's also the only candidate with a proven crack record.
–Jimmy Kimmel

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany, Political Jokes of the Week


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Cleaning off the desktop...
(permalink)

Published Sunday, March 23, 2014 @ 9:12 AM EDT
Mar 23 2014

This is the 30th anniversary of The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The Eighth Dimension. If you're a fan, you'll love this video. Note NSFW language. A must-watch...

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A fun thing to say from the toilet stall in a public restroom: "Siri, why is there so much blood?"
-Jim Hamilton

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Cool, the movie "Network" is on TV… Oh, wait, it's just a psychic talking about the missing plane on CNN.
-@FrankConniff

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Fun fact: When my kid watches "Terminator" I will have to explain the concept of a phonebook, but not an autonomous robot killing machine.
-@AsaTait

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I think what pushed Fred Phelps over the edge was the opening of "300: Rise of an Empire."
-Conan O'Brien

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I love how these nuts say "I don't need insurance. I'm healthy." Equals: "I don't need food. I'm not hungry right now."
-@kurteichenwald

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Feed me. Now.

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If swimming is great exercise, explain whales to me.
-@BillMurray

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Are fatty acids teased by all the other acids?

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Circular reasoning: see reasoning, circular.
-Unattributed

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Remember those pink "While You Were Out" notes? There has to be a huge warehouse somewhere filled with them...

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Microsoft OneNote is now free on all platforms, including Windows, Mac, Android and iPhone. Check it out..

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This past Thursday was the vernal equinox, but Pittsburgh hit the 12 hours between sunrise and sunset mark last Monday. We're gaining daylight at the fastest rate we'll experience all year: two minutes and 41 seconds more each day until March 27, when things start slowing down. On June 21, there will 15 hours, three minutes and 48 seconds between sunrise and sunset, and the days start getting shorter. Sunrise/sunset isn't the best gauge of day length, though, since we have twilight before the sun rises and after it sets. Morning "civil" twilight (there's also nautical and astronomical twilight) begins at civil dawn, when the center of the sun is 6° below the horizon. It ends at sunrise. Evening civil twilight begins at sunset and ends at civil dusk, when the center of the sun is 6° below the horizon. (Twilight's the period when the street lights go on and off.) So if the day seems longer than 12 hours, it is, by a full hour.

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From a friend who follows everything:

Well, it's been a strange couple of weeks here on planet Earth. First, a modern, well equipped Boeing 777 passenger jet disappeared without a trace into apparently about a third of the planet leaving experts from 26 nations scratching their collective heads in confusion and concern. Then the situation the Ukraine, Crimea and Russia flared up into ever more distressing situations, many of which were deliberately instigated by our leaders here in the U.S. and many of those in the EU ever since the fall of the Soviet Union. And now there is some indication that our munificent (at least to themselves) corporate leaders are dumping their equity interests while the bubbling stock market is still frothing with foam. Just when one begins to think that the time couldn't get much more interesting, it does. It's looking more and more as if this could be a very hot summer indeed. Israel is continuing being Israel- taunting the U.S. and Europe. China and Japan are within a trivial insult of outright war and North Korea keeps doing everything it can- and then some- to attract world attention. This is on top of the continuing chaos in Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. India is in its usual state of political chaos and Turkey is about to come apart at the seams. And this doesn't even touch on the newest hot-spots in Africa. All the while the economic security in the U.S. and the EU continues to be eroded by unnecessary and unwarranted neoliberal austerity plans which are doomed to fail and which will insure that inequality of wealth will escalate still further before collapsing in on itself. All in all, what a fascinating time to be alive!

To paraphrase Tom Leher, I'm beginning to feel like a Christian Scientist with appendicitis...

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Big quake. We stood in the doorway, so we could be hit by things from two rooms.
-@ElayneBoosler

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, March 16, 2014 @ 11:22 AM EDT
Mar 16 2014

It's actually Pi Month (3/14)

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What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there's more sunlight?
-Neil deGrasse Tyson

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Jews can't eat ham. Jehovah's Witnesses can't buy Girl Scout cookies. The Amish can't drive cars. Catholics can't masturbate. Scientologists can't go to therapy. Baptists can't dance. Sikhs can't shave. And Lord knows, Muslims can't take a joke.
-Bill Maher

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Wealth is not a virtue, and poverty is not a sin.
-Unattributed

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The E.U. wants to ban American cheesemakers from using the name "Parmesan?" Fine. Then they can't use the name "Whiz."
-Stephen Colbert

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The sheer number of people who think Obama’s Between Two Ferns interview was “real” is reason enough to build an underground end days bunker.
-@CollynMcCoy

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We have enough youth. How about a fountain of smart?
-Tshirt

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Three things that make me laugh: my sister's nipples. One's tiny. I haven't named the other two.
-Emo Phillips

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BURR: On average, how many Canadian patients on a waiting list die each year? Do you know?

MARTIN: I don’t, sir, but I know that there are 45,000 in America who die waiting because they don’t have insurance at all.

Canadian expert to condescending U.S. Senator

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Prices for monthly Google Drive storage plans dropped massively: 100GB is now $1.99 (instead of $4.99), 1TB is $9.99 (previously $49.99), and 10TB is $99.99. For comparison's sake, you can get 1TB of space every month on Drive for the same amount you'd pay on Dropbox for 100GB. Current paid Drive users will automatically move to the new, cheaper pricing.

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Some things you just don't outgrow.

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When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse first. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
-@BillMurray (parody Twitter account)

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Go ahead, open the door. I want to see the expression on the UPS guy's face.

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The five second rule is real. Which makes no difference when you have a two second dog.

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POLL: Given Choice Between Paul and Cruz, Most Voters Choose Suicide
-Andy Borowitz

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The other night, President Obama was paying tribute to Aretha Franklin when he messed up the spelling of her iconic song 'Respect.' President Obama blamed his speech coach, John Travolta.
–Conan O'Brien

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Retweeted by The Weather Channel's Jim Cantore.

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Jack Albert Kinzler, the NASA tech whiz who saved Skylab, died last week. He was a Pittsburgh native.

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"He's a congenial liar."
"Don't you mean congenital?"
"Well, that too."

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Today I gave the hospital permission to youthanize my grandma. I can’t wait to see how much younger she looks!
-The Covert Comic

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Our family crest is a child's jacket on the floor right next to a row of hooks.
-@KenJennings

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Looks like more snow, starting at 7 pm tonight. By the way, this is a great program... Weatherspark.

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God will continue to punish the northeast with winter weather until Neil deGrasse Tyson stops undermining his authority.
-@pourmecoffee

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NASA-funded study: industrial civilisation headed for 'irreversible collapse'? So I don't have to worry about replacing the fence around my yard, then?

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Jimmy Fallon, reading a rebuttal from "Sam I Am" to Sarah Palin after she rewrote Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" to criticize Obamacare: "I do not like the speech you spoke. The speech you spoke was quite a joke. I found your words were lacking taste. You first hit copy, then hit paste. I would not like this on a beach. So next time write your own damn speech."

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Sometimes the Good Old Days were real. PanAm economy class in the 1960s.

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Our first president could have owned our current president so maybe we shouldn't fret so much about the dignity of the presidency.
-@LOLGOP

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You not believing in climate change because it's snowing is like me not believing in education because you exist.
-@LOLGOP

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, March 09, 2014 @ 7:56 AM EDT
Mar 09 2014

The idea of Daylight Saving time is like trying to be taller by cutting off your head and standing on it.
-Unattributed

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I was thinking about the hypothesis that our universe is a computer simulation. It would explain a lot of things, like quantum physics. Programmers often take short cuts. In cgi-generated motion pictures, distant subjects lack the detail of foreground objects. Why spend the time programming the texture of every stone in a castle wall when it's going to appear to be a mile away? Maybe the programmer who wrote the code for our simulated universe got to the subatomic level and figured the typical simulated life forms that would develop here would never reach the point where they'd start poking around at the level of quantum states, so no one would ever see the bug that made it impossible to simultaneously determine the position and momentum of subatomic particles. And the division by zero errors responsible for those pesky black holes? That'll be fixed in the next release.

Be willing to die for your beliefs, or computer printouts of your beliefs.
-Don DeLillo (via Sareesa Boyd)

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The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer.
-Ward Cunningham

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Stephen Hawking with nine guys dressed as Bananaman.
You're welcome.

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The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
-@ChevyChase (parody account)

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News Headline: "Arizona lawmaker: 'I'm gay, Latino and a state senator.'"
Hats off to him.
It can take courage for a man to announce he’s an Arizona state senator.
-Zay Smith, "Quick Takes"

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This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, 'Is the Pope Catholic?' they're actually asking.
–Seth Meyers

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Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, 'Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?'
–Jimmy Fallon

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Commercial Drones Declared Legal; Release the Tacocopters

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The last time a Republican was elected president without a Nixon or Bush on the ticket was 1928.

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Maximum number of dildos a Texan may legally own: 5
-Harper's Index

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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.
-@BillMurray (parody account)

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This is appalling. And tremendous.

(YouTube video: Debut Criminal Defense Commercial
from Pittsburgh's Criminal Defense Rookie of the Year)

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Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores so you will have to go to Wal Mart if you need a universal remote that breaks in a month.
-@pourmecoffee

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March is National Kidney Month! Fun Fact: There are actually two kidney months, but you only need one.
-Stephen Colbert

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The world's most expensive place to live is Singapore. For the world's cheapest place, check your clothing label.
-Stephen Colbert

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Good thing George W. Bush isn't President or we'd already be at war with the people who make Cremora.
-Paul Lander

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Conservatives love Sarah Palin because she pisses off liberals, which is like eating rubber cement because everyone tells you not to.
-@LOLGOP

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Newsmax is starting their own channel, hoping to poach Fox News’s younger viewers, the coveted 72 to 86 demographic.
-Kara Vallow

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And... the desktop is clean.

I'm giving up giving up things for Lent for Lent.
-Kevin G. Barkes


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, March 02, 2014 @ 5:46 AM EST
Mar 02 2014

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Kentucky is fighting same-sex marriage tooth and nail, just as it fought indoor plumbing.
-Andy Borowitz

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer today reflected on her decision to veto the state's anti-gay law: "The decision was a no-brainer, which is why I was capable of making it."
-Andy Borowitz

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Why I canceled my 20+ year subscription to The Wall Street Journal after it was purchased by Rupert Murdoch, in one photo:

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It's a bit odd that when you ask certain conservatives to Love Thy Neighbor they feel their religious freedom is at risk.
-Frank Conniff

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Dutch police have begun using rats to detect drugs and guns in suspects' clothing, so next time you smoke weed in Amsterdam, try not to get paranoid about the Hyper-Intelligent Police Rats.
-Seth Meyers

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Losing to Canada in hockey is like losing to France in cowardice.
-David Burge

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Hi, I'm a guy who supported the Iraq war and is outraged Putin would invade a smaller country that hasn't attacked him.
-John Fugelsang


Categories: Andy Borowitz, Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, John Fugelsang


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, February 23, 2014 @ 7:58 AM EST
Feb 23 2014

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"Some people, when they're slightly feverish and taking strong antibiotcs, have exotic dreams. I dream of digital rights management."

"Sounds exciting."

"Not the way we implement it."

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They used a text-analysis program to measure the tone of articles in USA Today between 2007 and 2009, and found that especially positive articles predicted a downturn in the Dow Jones Industrial Average between a week and a month later. The researchers also analyzed all twenty-one U.S. Presidential inaugural addresses between 1933 and 2009, and found that Presidents who waxed optimistic about the future saw a rise in unemployment and a slowdown in economic growth during their terms in office. It’s perhaps too strong to suggest that positive thinking, alone, produced these large macroeconomic changes, but the staggering results in this most recent paper are consistent with more than a decade’s worth of studies in Oettingen’s lab. (The Powerlessness of Positive Thinking)

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Just a reminder- Abe Vigoda's birthday is tomorrow. Get your party supplies today.

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When the next crisis happens, and by the nature of markets, it will happen again, the government will do the only rational thing it can, and once again step in and save the institutions with taxpayer money. The economy will again be wrecked and the average family will again pay the costs.

The bankers won't suffer much, not personally. That's the real stupidity tax, and we are all paying. The Powerball lottery: Is it really a stupidity tax?.

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(YouTube video: a great Vivaldi/Disney mashup.)

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Beware the meeping angels.


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Music, YouTube


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Cleaning off the desktop...
(permalink)

Published Sunday, February 16, 2014 @ 7:13 AM EST
Feb 16 2014

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The name doesn't help, either. Marcellus Shale sounds like a villain in a Quentin Tarantino movie.

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"Y'know, someone should bury Caesar." -Doug Elrod

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The Google timer has returned.

Go to google.com and type:

set timer X time period
(seconds, minutes, or hours):

set timer 1 hour 2 minutes 3 seconds

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According to the Department of Agriculture, one in six men eat pizza every day. The other five eat yesterday's pizza.
-Stephen Colbert

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26% of Americans think the sun revolves around the earth.

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"It is becoming increasingly clear to judges that if they rule against same-sex marriage their grandchildren will regard them as bigots."
-Andrew M. Koppelman
A law professor at Northwestern, on why courts are backing away from bans on gay marriage.

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Carl Jung invented the word "lethologica" to describe the state of not being able to remember the word you want to use. Is not being able to remember the word lethologica an example of recursion?

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Miscellany


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Love is...
(permalink)

Published Friday, February 14, 2014 @ 5:14 AM EST
Feb 14 2014

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Every love is the love before
In a duller dress.
-Dorothy Parker

If love is blind, why is Victoria's Secret so successful?
-Unattributed

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
-Jane Wagner

Life is one fool thing after another where as love is two fool things after each other.
-Oscar Wilde

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
-Franklin P. Jones

Love is a decision, not an emotion.
-Unattributed

Love is a joint experience between two persons- but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved.
-Carson McCullers

Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.
-Unattributed

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig, and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.
-Matt Groening

Love is a series
Of darlings and dearies
Of honeys and sweeties
And sugared entreaties
Of moonings and spoonings
And cooings and billings
All tempered, of course,
By occasional killings.
-E.Y. Harburg

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra. Suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
-Matt Groening

Love is a verb.
-Clare Boothe Luce

Love is all fun and games until someone loses an eye or gets pregnant.
-Jim Cole

Love is blind, but desire just doesn't give a good goddamn.
-James Thurber

Love is grand; divorce is three hundred grand.
-Unattributed

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
-Jules Renard

Love is like any other luxury. You have no right to it unless you can afford it.
-Anthony Trollope

Love is like epidemic diseases. The more one fears it, the more likely one is to contract it.
-Nicolas Chamfort

Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it.
-Jerome K. Jerome

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
-S.J. Perelman

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
-Unattributed

Love is only the dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
-W. Somerset Maugham

Love is that rare attraction to someone that can survive getting to know them.
-Robert Brault

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
-Robert A. Heinlein

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-H.L. Mencken

Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old.
-John Ciardi

Love, and you shall be loved. All love is mathematically just, as much as the two sides of an algebraic equation.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Marriage, friends, is a lifelong feast, love is no light lunch.
-Garrison Keillor

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Romania.
-Dorothy Parker

Oh, love isn't there to make us happy. I believe it exists to show us how much we can endure.
-Hermann Hesse

Puppy love is no laughing matter when you're a puppy.
-Amy Gamerman

The best proof of love is trust.
-Dr. Joyce Brothers

The enemy of a love is never outside, it's not a man or woman, it's what we lack in ourselves.
-Anaïs Nin

The first duty of love is to listen.
-Paul Tillich

The first sigh of love is the last of wisdom.
-Antoine Bret

The great secret of happiness in love is to be glad that the other fellow married her.
-H.L. Mencken

The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end.
-Benjamin Disraeli

True love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops.
-William Goldman

When you have been just told that the girl you love is definitely betrothed to another, you begin to understand how Anarchists must feel when the bomb goes off too soon.
-P.G. Wodehouse

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Categories: Cartoons, Holidays, Quotes on a topic


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, February 09, 2014 @ 5:53 PM EST
Feb 09 2014

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I can communicate through a series of short & long groans & sighs. It's called 'morose code'.
-Robb Allen, @ItsRobbAllen (h/t David Kifer, alt.quotations)

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Somewhat alarmed to discover some teens don't recognize "Uncle Sam," I checked with my daughter about my soon to be 11 year old granddaughter's status:

KGB: Does Lea know who Uncle Sam is?

Sara: Oh, I think she would.

KGB: Ask her when convenient.

Sara: She said yes, it's the guy pointing and saying "I want you."

KGB: Excellent. Our nation is in good hands.

Sara: She said "Yes. Yes, it is."

Can't argue with that...>

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"I give them a year."
-Ray Bloch, musical director for "The Ed Sullivan Show," on the Beatles, when they made their first live appearance on American television 50 years ago.

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"Ah, hell. Let's call Froot Loops what they really are: Gay Cheerios."
-Bill Maher

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Those who feel that humans are essentially good and altruistic have never read the comment sections on YouTube.

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I actually used to date a girl named Christie Benghazi, so it's funny for me now when I flip between those two channels.
-John Fugelsang

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The Star Trek Facepalm collection, although I don't think Spock actually qualifies.

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“If we came from monkeys then why are there still monkeys?”

Let me ask you this: If you came from parents, why are there still parents?

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"Fortunes have been lost underestimating Jay Leno."
-Lorne Michaels


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Harrison Ford, Jay Leno, KGB Family, KGB Opinion, Linked In, Michael Collins, Miscellany, NASA, Star Trek, YouTube


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, February 02, 2014 @ 5:00 PM EST
Feb 02 2014


THREE DOG NIGHT- Although, with Pixie the Shih Tzu puppy, it's probably more accurate to call it a "Two Dog and One Small Dog-Like Creature Night."

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The President said we must stay vigilant against foreign threats...yet Justin Bieber remains a free man.
-Bill Maher

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Damn. I just wrote year of the snake on a check.

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St. Peter can tell which new arrivals are from Pittsburgh because when they go toward the light at the end of the tunnel they slow down.

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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot."

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Daughter-in-law Angela with my granddaughter Joelle.

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Maybe if we all e-mail the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.


Categories: Bill Maher, Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, KGB Family, Miscellany, NSA, Pittsburgh, U.S. Constitution


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, January 26, 2014 @ 5:48 AM EST
Jan 26 2014


Granddaughters Joelle and Lea. Joelle appears to be thinking, "I don't mind the sleepover business, but she's touching my bear."

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Rep. Steve Pearce (R-NM) on marriage between a man and a woman:

'The wife is to voluntarily submit, just as the husband is to lovingly lead and sacrifice. The husband’s part is to show up during the times of deep stress, take the leadership role and be accountable for the outcome, blaming no one else.'

To be fair, it sounds better in the original Klingon.

-Zay N. Smith

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I'm a non-violent kind of guy, but I sincerely believe anyone who uses the word 'whilst' should be soundly thrashed.

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"Secret formulas" abound on social media for wondrous cleaning solutions you can make in your home.

Don't waste your time.

Homemade whatevers - rug cleaner, spot remover, detergent - all contain just one real, active ingredient: dishwashing liquid. That's it. Period. Be especially wary of the ones which include both vinegar and baking soda. When mixed, the acetic acid in the vinegar and the baking soda react to form carbonic acid and sodium acetate. Carbonic acid sounds impressive, but all it really is carbonated water. And when it stops fizzing, it's because all the carbon dioxide has escaped from the mixture. Take the carbon dioxide out of carbonic acid, and you have... water. So you're left with just water and sodium acetate. Sodium acetate is a nifty chemical, with lots of uses- but cleaning ain't one of them. Just just save yourself the trouble and just use the soap and water.

(Courtesy of the late George Kraynick, my sophomore chemistry teacher.)

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Ok, maybe it is a real dog and pony show...

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I'm not arguing, I'm explaining why I'm right.
-Bill Murray

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Funeral home directors: when the only phrase in a death notice that appears in initial caps and within quotation marks is "Dear Wife", you're sending a mixed message...

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"It was the first kiss between an African-American woman and a white Canadian in a toupee."
-Craig Ferguson (describing Nichelle Nichols and William Shatner in the original Star Trek tv series.)

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"Kraft has recalled over 1.7 million pounds of Velveeta products for mis-labeled ingredients. They accidentally called it 'cheese'."
-Stephen Colbert

-----

Alcohol is really just the liquid version of Photoshop.
-Bill Murray

-----

Am I supposed to feel safer because corporations, not terrorists, are blowing up fertilizer plants, drowning towns in oil, and poisoning the water?
-@TheDailyEdge

-----

It's a girl my Lord
In a flatbed Ford
Slowing down to do
Some misandry
(from Twitter)

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Agnostic apathetic isolationist.
I don't know. I don't care. Go away.

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I'm no scientist, but legalizing marijuana in your state seems to cause immediate football superiority.
-@j_mccarter

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Granddaughter Joelle takes the term "menu sampler" literally.
(With her mom, Angela, and senior granddaughter Leanna.)

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Excluding starches, preservatives, emulsifiers and artificial flavoring, Soylent Green is actually less than 2% people.
-The Covert Comic


Categories: Animals, Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, KGB Family, Miscellany


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Sunday, January 19, 2014 @ 11:32 AM EST
Jan 19 2014

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop


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Cleaning off the desktop
(permalink)

Published Monday, January 13, 2014 @ 7:51 AM EST
Jan 13 2014

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop


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Cleaning off the desktop, part 4: General miscellany
(permalink)

Published Sunday, December 22, 2013 @ 8:46 PM EST
Dec 22 2013

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Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop, Google, Miscellany


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Christmas Future
(permalink)

Published Tuesday, December 03, 2013 @ 6:06 AM EST
Dec 03 2013

(Paul Noth, The New Yorker)


Categories: Cartoons, Holidays, Technology, The New Yorker


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Miscellany
(permalink)

Published Sunday, October 20, 2013 @ 10:43 AM EDT
Oct 20 2013

Notice what isn't on this box of ice cream sandwiches? The words "ice cream." And Drumsticks are not ice cream cones- just "cones."

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I thought he seemed familiar...

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From The New Yorker

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Categories: Cartoons, Miscellany


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