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Cleaning off the desktop
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Published Sunday, March 09, 2014 @ 7:56 AM EDT
Mar 09 2014

The idea of Daylight Saving time is like trying to be taller by cutting off your head and standing on it.
-Unattributed

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I was thinking about the hypothesis that our universe is a computer simulation. It would explain a lot of things, like quantum physics. Programmers often take short cuts. In cgi-generated motion pictures, distant subjects lack the detail of foreground objects. Why spend the time programming the texture of every stone in a castle wall when it's going to appear to be a mile away? Maybe the programmer who wrote the code for our simulated universe got to the subatomic level and figured the typical simulated life forms that would develop here would never reach the point where they'd start poking around at the level of quantum states, so no one would ever see the bug that made it impossible to simultaneously determine the position and momentum of subatomic particles. And the division by zero errors responsible for those pesky black holes? That'll be fixed in the next release.

Be willing to die for your beliefs, or computer printouts of your beliefs.
-Don DeLillo (via Sareesa Boyd)

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The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer.
-Ward Cunningham

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Stephen Hawking with nine guys dressed as Bananaman.
You're welcome.

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The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
-@ChevyChase (parody account)

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News Headline: "Arizona lawmaker: 'I'm gay, Latino and a state senator.'"
Hats off to him.
It can take courage for a man to announce he’s an Arizona state senator.
-Zay Smith, "Quick Takes"

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This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.'
–Jimmy Fallon

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Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, 'Is the Pope Catholic?' they're actually asking.
–Seth Meyers

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Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in. In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region. Then Detroit said, 'Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?'
–Jimmy Fallon

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Commercial Drones Declared Legal; Release the Tacocopters

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The last time a Republican was elected president without a Nixon or Bush on the ticket was 1928.

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Maximum number of dildos a Texan may legally own: 5
-Harper's Index

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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.
-@BillMurray (parody account)

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This is appalling. And tremendous.

(YouTube video: Debut Criminal Defense Commercial
from Pittsburgh's Criminal Defense Rookie of the Year)

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Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores so you will have to go to Wal Mart if you need a universal remote that breaks in a month.
-@pourmecoffee

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March is National Kidney Month! Fun Fact: There are actually two kidney months, but you only need one.
-Stephen Colbert

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The world's most expensive place to live is Singapore. For the world's cheapest place, check your clothing label.
-Stephen Colbert

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Good thing George W. Bush isn't President or we'd already be at war with the people who make Cremora.
-Paul Lander

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Conservatives love Sarah Palin because she pisses off liberals, which is like eating rubber cement because everyone tells you not to.
-@LOLGOP

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Newsmax is starting their own channel, hoping to poach Fox News’s younger viewers, the coveted 72 to 86 demographic.
-Kara Vallow

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And... the desktop is clean.

I'm giving up giving up things for Lent for Lent.
-Kevin G. Barkes


Categories: Cartoons, Cleaning off the desktop


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