KGB Report

Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
-Stephen Colbert

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Categories: Mothers, Observations, Quotes of the day, Stephen Colbert

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The flight to Mars is six months; eight, if you leave from Newark.
-David Letterman

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Categories: David Letterman, Observations

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Morton Lyon "Mort" Sahl (born May 11, 1927) is a Canadian-born American comedian and actor best known for his stream of consciousness monologues centered on current events and politics. His low-key, droll delivery of withering, ascerbic observations prompted Time to refer to him as "Will Rogers with fangs." (Sahl has his own web site here.

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A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

A social historian is someone who reports accidents to eyewitnesses.

Did anyone ever wrestle with his conscience and lose?

God is watching us. If we support someone we don't believe in and say he's electable, then God will make sure he's not elected and hope we do better the next time.

Hitler said that he always knew you could buy the press. What he didn't know was that you could get them cheap.

"I Aim for the Stars, But Sometimes I Hit London." (suggested title of Werner von Braun's autobiography)

I don't think there's any reward beyond participating, beyond being here.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

I'm not so much interested in politics as I am in overthrowing the government.

If anybody comes up to you and says, "My kid is a conservative- why is that?" you say, "Remember in the 60s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?"

If you maintain a consistent political position long enough, you will eventually be accused of treason.

If you were the last man on earth, I'd have to oppose you. That's my job.

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl.

I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

Most people past college age are not atheists. It's too hard to be in society, for one thing. Because you don't get any days off. And if you're an agnostic you don't know whether you get them off or not.

My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. If he ran unopposed he would have lost.

Say what you will (about former Disney chairman Michael Eisner), he made the monorail run on time.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.

The bravest thing that men do is love women.

The Democrats don't want anyone to be born, but if you are, they will take care of you from the cradle to the grave. The Republicans don't mind if you are born, if you assure them that you don't plan to live long enough to collect your Social Security.

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.

There's a magazine of obscure poetry - called Whither.

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred.

Those who learn nothing from history are condemned to rewrite it.

Those who the gods would make rich and famous on TV, they first drive mad.

Two hundred years ago, we had Jefferson, Washington, Ben Franklin and Tom Paine, and there were four million people. Today we have 220 million, and look at our leaders. Darwin was wrong.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

When the Democrats form a firing squad, they stand in a circle.

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Categories: Mort Sahl, Observations, Politics, Quotes of the day

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Congress: the legislative stone in America's urethra.
-Jon Stewart

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Categories: Jon Stewart, Observations

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Exactly ten years ago, this very minute, I was on a United Airlines 737, somewhere over Indiana, heading back to Pittsburgh to see my first grandchild, Leanna Renee, who had been born two hours earlier.

It's been ten years, and we still don't have personal jet packs.

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Categories: KGB Family, Observations

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"Hey, we might be able to see the Northern Lights tonight."

"What time?"

"They're saying 8, but it may be as late as midnight."

"Cool. What direction do you look?"

"Uh... Northern Lights? I'm guessing north."

(Some sources are saying that due to a large coronal mass ejection on the Sun this past Thursday, that areas as far south as Pennsylvania may be able to observe the Aurora Borealis this evening.)

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Categories: Observations, Weather

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We Have Seen the Present, and It Does Not Work:
Coca-Cola has announced a new product called “Fruitwater,” which contains no fruit.
-Zay N. Smith, Quick Takes

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Categories: Observations, Zay N. Smith - Quick Takes

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Following a commercial for the movie, "Dracula's Daughter:"

"Can vampires reproduce?"

"They do in the Twilight movies."

"No, I mean real vampires."

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Categories: Exchange of the day, Observations

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"Did you know pigs have orgasms that last for half an hour?"

"Yes, I did. Why do you think bacon tastes so good?"

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Categories: Observations

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I imagine our Shelties all would have Scottish accents if they could speak, and Lucy, the oldest, would sound just like Deborah Kerr in the original Casino Royale.

They should just create a "Best Quentin Tarantino Film" category and be done with it.

How can you not like an Oscars show with two Captain Kirks?

I wish Spielberg had won best director. How great would it have been for him to talk too long and to have the Jaws music start..

The Pope's tweets come from an Apple device, which is kind of funny when you think about it...

Since I'm not a fan, I was a bit apprehensive about Seth McFarland hosting the Oscars. His performance reminded me of Calvin Trillin's suggested state motto for New Jersey: "Not as bad as you might have expected."

"Why Seth MacFarlane's Oscars were mean spirited and misogynistic, coming up next after our review of the worst dressed women."
-@Crutnacker

Totally unrelated: It turns out Person of Interest is more of a documentary...

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Categories: Apple, Calvin Trillin, Dogs, Jaws, Nova (PBS), Observations, Oscars, Person of Interest, Quentin Tarantino, Religion, Seth McFarland, Star Trek, Steven Spielberg, Video, YouTube

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Daniel Craig is a fine actor, and Skyfall was a good film, but lt just doesn't feel like a Bond movie, despite the presence of all the MI6 characters and trappings.

Perhaps it's because I can't get over Mr. Craig's unique physical attributes. When back-lit, his ears make him look like a Volkswagen with its doors open.

The Aston-Martin has an ejector seat. Bond can hear dog whistles.

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Categories: Daniel Craig, James Bond, Observations

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It was the last day of school- May 31, 1963. My parents decided to take me on a short weekend vacation trip to Niagara Falls to celebrate my completing third grade.

We stopped at the J&I Dairy on 13th and McClure in Homestead to pick up some last minute items. At the front of the store was a comic book display.

I was three months shy of my ninth birthday, yet somehow had managed to miss the fact that my favorite- make that only- superhero, Superman, actually had a comic book. In fact, he had an entire series of comic books in which he appeared. My experience to this point with the Man of Steel was the endlessly rerun Adventures of Superman, which I watched daily on a snowy WTOV Channel 9 Steubenville.

Naturally, I was drawn to the book. My parents bought it for me, along with some other Superman titles, to keep me quiet on the trip.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that comic book changed my life.

It was the middle of the "Silver Age" of comics, and after Superman, I discovered Green Lantern, The Flash, The Manhunter from Mars, and rest of The Justice League of America.

My comics reading habit opened a world of literature. I discovered that Superman wasn't the first hero with a dual identity, after learning (in the comics' letters from readers section) that a Hungarian baroness, Emma Orczy, had first introduced the concept in The Scarlet Pimpernel. an idea later borrowed by Johnston McCulley's Zorro.

You know how when you read an article on a web site that has a link, which you follow to another link, then ten others, until it's eight hours later and you haven't found what you were originally looking for but instead discovered dozens of other even more interesting topics and facts? Superman comics were like that for me, only instead of surfing the web, I roamed the stacks of the Carnegie Library of Homestead.

I mention all this because today in the birthday of Curt Swan (February 17, 1920 – June 17, 1996), the man whose cover art for Giant Superman Annual #7 drew me like a moth to a flame. Referred to by some as "The Norman Rockwell of comics," Swan's influence is perhaps most apparent in the original Superman film series, where Christopher Reeve appears to be a real life version of Swan's artistic interpretation.

Fifty years. Wow.

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Categories: Curt Swan, KGB, Observations, Superman

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In related news, reports are surfacing that the largest crater resulting from the Russian meteorite strike contained a spaceship, and that a childless, middle-aged couple rescued a toddler wrapped in red and blue blankets...

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Categories: Observations, Science, Superman, Technology, WTF?

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There's probably some reason the tweets of greatest significance to me this week were from God and a fictional lesser mammal with a personality disorder, but don't ask me to explain. TMI, and all that.

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Categories: Observations, Twitter

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Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns."
-Jay Leno

I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, "You need a mint."
-Bill Maher

It's reported that if you're playing Angry Birds, the company is tracking your location. This may seem silly to you, but it's actually how we got bin Laden.
-Conan O'Brien

An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three years ahead of his time.
-Conan O'Brien

The difference between George W. Bush and Lance Armstrong is that Bush never took anything that was performance enhancing.
-@LOLGOP

President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans."
-Jimmy Fallon

Manti Te'o's at Notre Dame! Imagine, going to a college named after Virgin Mary and being in love with a nonexistent dead lady.
-Bill Maher

As a Jew, it's hard to mock Manti Te'o considering what we do for Elijah.
-Jensen Karp

Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.
-Conan O'Brien

Rumor: Tiffany's to make imaginary rings.
-@AlbertBrooks

Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican."
-Jay Leno

Fox News inauguration coverage will just be live video feed with Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" playing on a loop.
-@pourmecoffee

I went to see Zero Dark Thirty, and the first 45 minutes are torture. Same as The Hobbit.
-Bill Maher

The drive on 95 shows how the Confederate capital could be 90 miles from DC, yet not fall to Union forces for four years.
-@askpang

Next year, Tour de France moving to unicycles.
-@SteveMartin

Between the great things we cannot do, and the little things we will not do, lie the medium-sized things we do do.
-The Covert Comic

Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the health care system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport.
-Jimmy Fallon

I'm not saying a gun fetish is exactly a penis fetish but both are far more likely to be fired on one's self than another person.
-@LOLGOP

President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States.
-Conan O'Brien

During Jodie Foster's emotional [Golden Globes] speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, "I'm going to need a raise."
-Conan O'Brien

Between Lance Armstrong admitting that he was doping and Jodie Foster coming out as a lesbian, it's been a tough week for the clueless.
-Bill Maher

This country is the most entertained and the least informed.
-Rula Jebreal

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Categories: Observations

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News Headline: "Walmart promises to hire 100,000 veterans."
News Headline: "Bill would give homeless veterans unclaimed clothing from airports."

A lot of thought has gone into honoring our veterans.

Now they will have secondhand clothing to wear when they start their underpaid jobs with no benefits.

-Zay N. Smith, Quick Takes

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Categories: Observations, WTF?, Zay N. Smith - Quick Takes

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Categories: Observations, Science, Second Amendment

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Categories: Meme of the day, Observations, Religion, Second Amendment

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Categories: Observations, WTF?

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News Headline: "Study: Billions of Earth-size planets in Milky Way."
And we're the one that gets Donald Trump.
-Zay N. Smith- Quick Takes

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Q. If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared today, what would be the most difficult thing to explain to them about 2013?
A. I possess a device, in my pocket, that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get in arguments with strangers.
-from Reddit

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Categories: Observations, Zay N. Smith - Quick Takes

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