KGB Report

Mitt Romney is going to release his 2010 and 2011 tax returns. Not to be outdone, Newt Gingrich is going to release his 1988, 1994, and 2005 wedding vows.
–Conan O'Brien

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Quotes of the day

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

An executive from the E! Network has stated that there could be as many as four new Kardashian spinoff shows. He then added, “Unless our demands are met.”
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Kardashians, Quotes of the day

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

A new book claims Sarah Palin had sex with NBA star Glen Rice. That’s where she got the phrase, "Drill, Baby, Drill."
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Glen Rice, Quotes of the day, Sarah Palin

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Dick Cheney was grilled by the women of 'The View.' So apparently he's willing to undergo torture himself to prove a point.
-Jay Leno

President Obama's re-election campaign is doing a contest where contributors can win a chance to have dinner with the president. Or, if you come in second place, a mid-afternoon Hot Pocket with Joe Biden.
-Conan O'Brien

A law signed by Arnold Schwarzenegger will soon release thousands of female prisoners. The man’s a genius. Soon thousands of women who haven’t been with a man for years will be free and thinking they owe Arnold a favor.
-Conan O'Brien

A Republican is going to be filling Anthony Weiner’s Congressional seat, but not before thoroughly wiping it down.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is determined to help the unemployed because it's looking increasingly likely that in a year, he'll be one of them.
-Jimmy Kimmel

If I was president, I'd freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new book, Sarah Palin slept with a black NBA player, Glen Rice, a year before she got married. I think technically this makes her a Kardashian sister. I think Sarah and Glen would make a great couple. He’d shoot 3-pointers. She'd shoot everything else.
-Jimmy Kimmel

People are blaming President Obama for Republicans winning a Congressional seat in New York, but I say, like the face of a guy who passes out at a frat party, this one has Weiner written all over it.
-Jimmy Fallon

Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'
-Conan O'Brien

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that American homes are 650 square feet larger today than they were in 1980. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
-Conan O'Brien

Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes this very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended.
-Jay Leno

There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN.
-Jay Leno

President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Obama says the jobs bill will be paid for. I don't like this focus on paying for things. That's what future generations are for.
-Jimmy Kimmel

My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else.
-Stephen Colbert

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
-Craig Ferguson

President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as 'half employed.'
-Conan O'Brien

A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit.
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a 'bedrock conservative.' When he heard this, John McCain said, 'I grew up in Bedrock, and I don't remember seeing him.'
-Conan O'Brien

In England a dominatrix is saying a prominent politician used to hire her for services. Of course, a dominatrix in England is someone who ties you down and then flosses you.
-Conan O'Brien

Mitt Romney said that President Obama does not understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to explain his plan to create jobs once he's elected president.
-Jay Leno

Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders.
-Jay Leno

If the Tea Party cared about us they wouldn't have scheduled their debate against the opening night of football, especially the Patriots. That's something Kenyans would do.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The moderators were Wolf Blitzer and Larry the Cable Guy. Rick Santorum won the swimsuit competition. Michele Bachmann won Miss Crazyality.
-Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new poll, only 55 percent of Americans think President Obama is intelligent. Yeah, that may not sound impressive, but it's up 55 percent over the last president.
-Jimmy Fallon

His New York district is having a special election to replace Anthony Wiener. I was going to make a joke, but it's just so hard at this point …
-Jimmy Fallon

Michele Bachmann said she would do away with the Department of Education if elected president. In fact, if there's no Department of Education, it would make it easier for her to be elected.
-Jay Leno

Did you see all the Republican candidates lined up at the Reagan Library the other night? Didn't they look like it was part of Disney's 'Hall of Never-Will-Be-Presidents?'
-Jay Leno

In his speech, President Obama introduced a $400 billion plan called the 'American Jobs Act.' They would have had a more creative name, but the guy that comes up with names got laid off six months ago.
-Jimmy Fallon

President Obama said 'No single individual built America on their own.' When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'Hello? Paul Bunyan?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we're still the fattest, so that's good.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.
-Craig Ferguson

Michele Bachmann is for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual. She is pure. She is always completely fact-free. She said the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until they got rid of slavery. So from now on Thomas Jefferson’s slaves will be known as friends with benefits.
-Bill Maher, on Jay Leno

The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing.
-David Letterman

They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river.
-David Letterman

I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.
-David Letterman

You could smell Rick Perry's cologne through the TV.
-David Letterman

Tomorrow is Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day.
-David Letterman

Rick Perry said he understands healthcare because his wife is a nurse. He also says he understands terrorism because he watched all the seasons of '24.'
-Conan O'Brien

Ultraconservative Rick Santorum said he is the son of an Italian immigrant. Immediately after the comment, Santorum had his dad deported.
-Conan O'Brien

Rick Perry and Mitt Romney squared off at the Republican debate. The only thing they agreed on was 'shampoo, rinse, and repeat.'
-Jay Leno

Don't they look like two guys waiting to audition for the same part in a soap opera?
-Jay Leno

Actually, history was made at the Reagan Library last night. I believe it was the first time Michele Bachmann has ever been in a library.
-Jay Leno

Perry used to be a Democrat. But then again, Barack Obama used to be a Democrat too.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that she can get us back to two dollar gas. Please! The only place you can get two dollar gas is Taco Bell.
-Jay Leno

According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.
-Jay Leno

The president said we need more products stamped 'Made in America.' OK, let's get the Chinese to get a stamp that says 'Made in America.'
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tonight was President Obama's jobs speech and the NFL season opener. Which explains why Biden got confused and dumped Gatorade on President Obama.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Libyan rebels say they have Khadafy trapped within a 40-mile radius. Or as that’s also called, not trapped.
-Jimmy Fallon

Categories: About.com, Al Gore, Anderson Cooper, Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Bill Maher, California, Chinese, CNN, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Craig Ferguson, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Deficit, Democrats, Dick Cheney, England, ESPN, Facebook, Founding Fathers, George W. Bush, Glen Rice, Healthcare, Immigration, Insurance, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, John McCain, Larry The Cable Guy, Libya, Mexico, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Moammar Gadhafi, Movies, New York, NFL, Obesity, Oprah Winfrey, Paul Bunyan, Republicans, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Ronald Reagan, Sarah Palin, Secret Service, Slavery, Star Wars, Stephen Colbert, Supreme Court, Taco Bell, Tea Party, Texas, The View, Thomas Jefferson, Tim Pawlenty, TiVo, Unemployment, Walt Disney, Wolf Blitzer

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

(YouTube video: The Republican debate in 45 seconds.)

The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn't fit all eight of them in the bouncy house.
-Conan O'Brien

People are saying that Rick Perry is really tough because he has executed over 200 people. And that was just while he was on vacation in Florida.
-Conan O'Brien

The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks.
-Conan O'Brien

To give an idea of how bad the economy is, the NFL had to borrow the quarter for the coin toss from China. And they want it back.
-Conan O'Brien

In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.
-Conan O'Brien

Dick Cheney says Hillary Clinton would have made a better president than Barack Obama. Then he got back in his coffin.
-David Letterman

The Republican debate was on earlier tonight. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting and sexual dysfunction.
-David Letterman

Michele Bachmann is dropping rapidly in the polls. If she loses three more points she goes on 'Dancing with the Stars.'
-David Letterman

Homeland Security is saying you may no longer have to remove your shoes when you fly. Welcome to the golden age of travel. I just hope they don’t stop wanding my inner thighs.
-David Letterman

During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type two diabetes.
-Jimmy Kimmel

This is the first debate Rick Perry has participated in since he announced his candidacy. Perry is a mix between George W. Bush and Yosemite W. Sam.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin ran an unannounced half marathon in Iowa. Wait, did she run a half marathon or run half a marathon and quit? Is there anything Sarah Palin can’t do half of?
-Jimmy Kimmel

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.
-Jay Leno

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."
-Jay Leno

Ford is building a new plant that will create 5,000 jobs in India. Or as Obama put it, "You've got to be kidding me!"
–Jimmy Fallon

Sunday is the 10th anniversary of 9/11, which means it can only be another five years before we discover Saddam Hussein’s WMDs.
-Stephen Colbert

Categories: 9/11, About.com, Alaska, Animals, Arizona, AT&T, Barack Obama, Baseball, Benjamin Franklin, Beyonce, Birthdays, Childhood Obesity, Chinese, CIA, Conan O'Brien, Condoleezza Rice, Craig Ferguson, Dancing with the Stars, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Denny's, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, God, Hillary Clinton, Homeland Security, Hurricanes, Indecision 2012, India, Iowa, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, John McCain, Labor Day, Late Night TV, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Moammar Gadhafi, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, NFL, Political Jokes of the Week, Presidential Debates, Religion, Republicans, Rick Perry, Ronald Reagan, Saddam Hussein, Sarah Palin, Sports, Stephen Colbert, T-Mobile, TSA, Unemployment, USPS, WMD, WTF?, Yosemite Sam

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China. USA! USA!
-Conan O'Brien

Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house.
-Conan O'Brien

Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she'll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.
-Conan O'Brien

A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it's going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He's like the Sarah Palin of politics.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He's got that everyman quality that we can all relate to.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they're letting him run in front. Because he's the one with the gun.
-Stephen Colbert

There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration.
-Stephen Colbert

It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'
-Jon Stewart

Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'
-Conan O'Brien

The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.
-Conan O'Brien

Newt Gingrich, who came in eighth place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'
-Conan O'Brien

A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama's bus caravan, calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from the President of the Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama's new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.'
-Jon Stewart

Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'
-Conan O'Brien

Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is.
-Conan O'Brien

Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.
-Conan O'Brien

The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.
-Conan O'Brien

Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It's funny that someone who doesn't believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter.
-Stephen Colbert

In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.
-Stephen Colbert

Michele Bachmann's victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket- by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis.
-Stephen Colbert

He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!
-Jon Stewart

If all of Jon Huntsman's supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, 'yeah, that's fine, there are some more seats in the back.'
-Jon Stewart

Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.
-Jay Leno

President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.
-Jay Leno

The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch.
-Jay Leno

Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He's still in the race.
-Jay Leno

It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th.
-Jay Leno

General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.'
-Jay Leno

A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'
-Jimmy Fallon

The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'
-Conan O'Brien

Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.
-Conan O'Brien

President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money.
-Jimmy Fallon

After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.
-Jimmy Fallon

During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.
-Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.
-Stephen Colbert

We need God's forgiveness- or at least China's.
-Stephen Colbert

It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds.
-Jay Leno

Categories: About.com, Autocorrect, Barack Obama, Canada, Chinese, Church and State, Colbert Report, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Conservatives, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, Democrats, Donald Trump, Economy, Energy, England, Facebook, Gary Busey, George W. Bush, God, Government, Iowa, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, Jon Huntsman, Jon Stewart, Kim Jong Il, Late Night TV, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mormons, Myspace, Nancy Pelosi, Newt Gingrich, North Korea, Olympics, Paul Ryan, Political Jokes of the Week, Randy Travis, Republicans, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Sarah Palin, Stephen Colbert, Tim Pawlenty, TV, Twitter

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Texas Gov. Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying "I went to Texas A&M, he went to Yale." In other words, Rick Perry's idea of instilling confidence is to say, "Don't worry, I'm not as smart as George W. Bush."
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Late Night TV, Quotes of the day, Rick Perry

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there.
-Jay Leno

They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money.
-Jay Leno

President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America "a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.
-Jay Leno

Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. Look who owes them all the money.
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.
-Jay Leno

There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.
-Jay Leno

Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial "guy you didn't know existed" vote.
-Conan O'Brien

A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.
-Conan O'Brien

Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for "Playboy" and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.
-Jimmy Fallon

Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim.
-Stephen Colbert

New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'
-Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'
-Conan O'Brien

Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.
-Conan O'Brien

A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.
-Conan O'Brien

'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties.
-Jay Leno

Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.
-Jay Leno

A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction.
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused him of doing the same thing.
-Jimmy Fallon

The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It's a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.
-Jimmy Fallon

S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump."
-Daily Show tweet

S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.
-Jay Leno

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he's going to stay.
-Jay Leno

I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it.
-Jay Leno

Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning.
-Jay Leno

It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team.
-Jay Leno

The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?
-Jimmy Kimmel

We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them Florida?
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.
-Jimmy Kimmel

A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'What happens if I get a flat tire?'
-Jimmy Fallon

About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from 'Verizon' to 'AT&T.'
-Jimmy Fallon

China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie.
-Conan O'Brien

The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America. My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: About.com, Abstinence, Al Gore, Americans, Angelina Jolie, Antarctica, Arnold Schwarzenegger, AT&T, Banking and Credit, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, Chinese, Climate Change, Colbert Report, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Conservatives, Cuba, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, Debt Ceiling, Deficit, Democrats, Donald Trump, Dow, Economy, Elections, England, Facebook, Federal Budget / Spending, Financial Melt Down, Florida, Government, Great Britain, Greece, Indecision 2012, In the news, Iowa, Islam, Italy, Jay Leno, Jeb Bush, Jersey Shore, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, Jon Huntsman, Jon Stewart, Late Night TV, Levi Johnston, Liberals, Maria Shriver, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Mormons, Piers Morgan, Rick Perry, Ringo Starr, Rush Limbaugh, S&P, Sarah Palin, Smurfs, Tea Party, Texas, Timothy Geithner, Verizon Wireless, Wall Street

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head stuck in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.
–Jon Stewart

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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age.
-Conan O'Brien

This debt crisis still isn't solved, but yesterday, the White House said it's working on a 'Plan B.' Unfortunately, the B stands for 'bake sale.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?
-Jay Leno

The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage.
–Conan O'Brien

Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: President Joe Biden.
–Jay Leno

Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn't seem like a lot to you.
-Jimmy Fallon

NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, 'One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner.
-Jimmy Fallon

John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange.
-Jimmy Kimmel

They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or something.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by August 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?
-Jimmy Kimmel

The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.
-Conan O'Brien

George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama bin Laden next month on cable TV. It's expected to be the highest-rated episode ever of 'Cake Boss.'
-Conan O'Brien

We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the 'feels like' is $20 trillion.
-David Letterman

We're under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it's due to Michele Bachmann's hair spray.
-David Letterman

Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I'm toying with the idea of drinking again.
-David Letterman

The number one movie in the country is "Captain America." Analysts say this movie is successful because it takes place in the 40's and has a retro feel. The film takes audiences back to a time where America could actually fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time.
-Jay Leno

A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other 54 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'
-Jay Leno

According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
-Jay Leno

Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy.
-Jay Leno

Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister.
-Craig Ferguson

I had no idea that life for conservatives was so difficult in this country. Tell me a little bit, if you would, about the bad people holding your kind back.
-Jon Stewart

[Video overlay] Sean Hannity saying liberals are "so vicious, so mean, and so cruel, and I don't hear this coming from conservatives about liberals." Jon Stewart: "You don't? That is, if I may say, some of the most free-range, organically grown disingenuous, ideologically marinated, un-self-awareness I've ever seen in the wild."

Is it so wrong we want pundits vetted? I want to get my news from news people, not random people with an AOL account.
-Jon Stewart on Twitter pundits

Categories: About.com, Barack Obama, Canada, Captain America, Chinese, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Conservatives, Corruption, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Debt Ceiling, Deficit, George W. Bush, Jay Leno, Jeb Bush, Jersey Shore, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, John Boehner, Jon Stewart, Liberals, Lindsay Lohan, Michele Bachmann, NASA, Osama bin Laden, Paris Hilton, Progressives, Republicans, Rupert Murdoch, Sarah Palin, Sean Hannity

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

‎Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is "Trump Granddaughter and Casino."
–Conan O'Brien

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Donald Trump, Quotes of the day

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Michele Bachmann is kind of like Sarah Palin but without the charisma- or marksmanship. You know, maybe we should stop telling kids that anyone can grow up to be president of the United States.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Bachmann didn't know John Wayne Gacy was from her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa. The town is about the size of the Wayans family.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The next-most famous person from that town is the guy that grew the biggest pumpkin at the town fair.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is, 'What's the difference between 'reply' and 'reply all?'
-Conan O'Brien

Sarah and Bristol Palin made an appearance at a book store. Apparently, it was 'Bring Your Daughter to a Place You Never Go Day.'
-Conan O'Brien

Newt Gingrich is entering the hotdog-eating contest at Coney Island. He hopes to win because he needs the money to pay his Tiffany's bill.
-David Letterman

The Pope is now on Twitter. The church is really trying to connect with young people- in a way that doesn't involve hush money.
-David Letterman

Chris Wallace at Fox News asked Michele Bachmann if she is a flake. I think that's an insult to the fine folks at Kellogg's.
-David Letterman

Blagojevich said he was stunned by the verdict. Apparently, he wasn't paying attention during the trial.
-David Letterman

She announced her presidency from Waterloo- a name synonymous with victory.
-Stephen Colbert on Michele Bachmann's Iowa campaign launch

Categories: About.com, Anthony Weiner, Catholic Church, Chris Wallace, Conan O'Brien, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Fox News, Jimmy Kimmel, Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich, Rod Blagojevich, Sarah Palin, Stephen Colbert, Twitter

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Today, Michele Bachmann said her hometown of Waterloo, Iowa, is the birthplace of John Wayne, when actually it's the birthplace of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. Then she said her favorite sitcom from the 80s is "Charles Manson in Charge."
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: Conan O'Brien

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days; that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his?
-Jay Leno

(YouTube video: Barack Obama, The Baby Whisperer)

That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner.
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.
-Jay Leno

John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.
-Jay Leno

It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany's for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion.
-Jay Leno

More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, Newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit.
-Jay Leno

According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time.
-Jay Leno

Today Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour, reportedly canceling dates in Iowa, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. When asked why, Palin answered: 'It turns out those places are nowhere near each other.'
-Conan O'Brien

In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, 'What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.'
-Conan O'Brien

Newt Gingrich bragged on his third wife, saying, 'She plays the French horn.' Then things got awkward when he added, 'If you know what I mean.'
-Conan O'Brien

Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, 'I don't need this, I'll just put it all on my Tiffany's credit card.'
-David Letterman

New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English.
-David Letterman

Bristol Palin released her much-anticipated memoir called 'Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far.' Bristol said that Levi Johnston cheated on her but then made it up to her by buying designer rain boots. Things are different up there, I guess.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama will be in New York tomorrow night for a fundraiser at the Broadway musical 'Sister Act.' Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will be in town to do some hunting at 'The Lion King.'
-Jimmy Fallon

New York Gov. Andy Cuomo will hold a special election on September 13 to replace Anthony Weiner. Cuomo said, 'Anyone interested in the job should e-mail me at... actually, you'd just better call.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Categories: About.com, Andy Cuomo, Anthony Weiner, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, Conan O'Brien, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, George W. Bush, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Boehner, John McCain, Jon Huntsman, Levi Johnston, Michelle Obama, Newt Gingrich, Political Jokes of the Week, Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, Video, YouTube

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

In her new book, Bristol Palin reveals she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son "Trip," because "Camping" seemed like a dumb name.
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: Bristol Palin, Conan O'Brien, Quotes of the day

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Photos of Congressman Weiner have surfaced of him cross-dressing in college, in bra and pantyhose, proving that even back then he knew he wanted to be a Congressman.
-Jay Leno

It was on this day in 1992 that Vice President Dan Quayle misspelled the word 'potato,' thus paving the way for Sarah Palin.
-Jay Leno

According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922.
-Jay Leno

Congressman Weiner’s wife returned today from her diplomatic trip to Ethiopia. She said she got really tired of Ethiopians telling her, 'I feel so sorry for you.'
-Conan O'Brien

A new study shows that only 35 percent of fourth-graders know the purpose of the Declaration of Independence. When she heard this, Sarah Palin said, 'How are they supposed to know about something that happened 20 years ago.'
-Conan O'Brien

A Tea Party group has a summer camp for kids, the only one where they sit around the campfire and tell scary stories about taxing the top 2%.
-Conan O'Brien

Rep. Michele Bachmann once said that gay people lead a very sad life. Apparently, she has never celebrated Halloween in San Francisco.
-Conan O'Brien

Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate.
-David Letterman

A new survey found that 87 percent of high school seniors are less than proficient in U.S. history. Not me. In fact, when I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite president, George Jefferson.
-Jimmy Fallon

It turns out that 70 percent of guns found in Mexico actually come from the U.S. Meanwhile, 70 percent of people found in the U.S. actually come from Mexico.
-Jimmy Fallon

One more vote is needed in the New York State Senate to legalize gay marriage. That one vote could be the Republican Senator from Staten Island. If he’s willing to be known for the rest of his career as the Staten Island Fairy.
-Jon Stewart

Categories: About.com, Anthony Weiner, Barack Obama, Conan O'Brien, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Declaration of Independence, Education, History, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jon Stewart, Michele Bachmann, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Sarah Palin, Tea Party

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Before I begin, I must point out that behind me sits a highly admired President of the United States and decorated war hero while I, a cable television talk show host, have been chosen to stand here and impart wisdom. I pray I never witness a more damning example of what is wrong with America today.
-Conan O'Brien, giving the commencement address at Dartmouth. Video here.

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Quotes of the day, Video

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy.
-Craig Ferguson

Sarah Palin is driving all over the country in a bus, I guess to pick up where Charlie Sheen left off.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin, on visiting Mt. Vernon, the home of George Washington: "Even Piper was able to grasp the significance of being in the presence of our first President- who had such diverse interests- when she told me later: 'how hard he must have worked to keep that farm going!'" Stephen Colbert: "It's true. I cannot imagine how hard he worked with no help other than his African volunteers."

Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn’t that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end?
-Jay Leno

This weekend Sarah Palin begins a nationwide bus tour, which I think is a good way for her to learn the names of all the states.
-Jay Leno

Harold Camping is now predicting that the world will end in October. In show business terms, that means God has picked us up for another 22 weeks.
-Jay Leno

Tim Pawlenty is running for President. I won't say he's boring, but his Secret Service Code name is Al Gore.
-Jay Leno

The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, "Now who can't drive the car?"
-Conan O'Brien

The Supreme Court has upheld Arizona's law which penalizes employers for hiring workers who are in the country illegally. And in a related story, in Phoenix a head of lettuce now costs 137 dollars.
-Jay Leno

President Obama was in Ireland last week. While he was there, his Secret Service codename was, "the black guy that's in Ireland."
-Conan O'Brien

Bristol Palin said she doesn't plan on having any more babies anytime soon. Then she added, "But that never stopped me before."
-Jimmy Fallon

Categories: About.com, Al Gore, Apocalypse, Arizona, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, Charlie Sheen, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Daniel Kurtzman, Donald Trump, George Washington, Harold Camping, Immigration, Ireland, Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Osama bin Laden, Political Jokes of the Week, Rapture, Sarah Palin, Stephen Colbert, Tim Pawlenty

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

One of Sarah Palin's supporters is about to release a documentary about her called The Undefeated. That's like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called The Faithful.
-Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump now says he may run for president as an independent. And when Donald Trump says he's going do something, Donald Trump... says he's going to do something.
–Jimmy Fallon

Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we're up to seven candidates and 35 ex-wives.
-Jimmy Fallon

The average couple fights about sex 87 times a year. And even more if the maid is pregnant.
-Jay Leno

A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be "wasting your time on Facebook."
-Conan O'Brien

Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel on Dancing With the Stars. But President Obama is refusing to release the pictures.
-David Letterman

Now the pastor guy says the Apocalypse will be October 21. I know some people are saying, "What if I had tickets for Saturday's Apocalypse?" Those tickets will still be good for October.
-David Letterman

On this date 19 years ago, Jay Leno took over 'The Tonight Show.' And it wouldn't be the last time.
-David Letterman

Categories: 2012, About.com, Apocalypse, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Conan O'Brien, Conservatives, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Facebook, Infidelities, In the news, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Kirstie Alley, Late Night TV, Lies, Maria Shriver, Media and Advertising, Rapture, Rudy Giuliani, Sarah Palin

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Newt Gingrich is running for President. Every six months we'd have a different First Lady. Newt's slogan is, 'At least I'm not Trump.'
-Jay Leno

Bristol Palin just announced she had corrective surgery on her mouth. It's being called the right procedure on the wrong Palin.
-Conan O'Brien

President Obama's approval rating has hit 60 percent, its highest in two years. So he can pretty much count on reelection if he can just kill bin Laden two more times in the next 12 months.
-Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver might be splitting up. Arnold's friends say he is doing everything he can to win his wife back. He just burned every single copy of 'Jingle All the Way.'
-Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander.
-Conan O'Brien

Newt Gingrich announced that he's running for president on Twitter and Facebook. I think his concession speech will be on YouTube.
-David Letterman

Bristol Palin said she had corrective surgery to fix her jaw, not cosmetic surgery. She must have gone to the same surgeon who corrected Victoria Beckham's breasts.
-Jimmy Kimmel

A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine.
-Jimmy Fallon

The White House announced that the $50 million reward for Osama bin Laden's whereabouts won't be going to anyone. Then China was like, 'Wanna bet?'
-Jimmy Fallon

Gaddafi hasn't been seen since April 30. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Nose job.
-Jimmy Fallon

I don't know if you've ever tasted Godfather's Pizza, but if he can keep that place from going bankrupt, he is an economic genius.
-Stephen Colbert on GOP presidential candidate Herman Cain

Categories: About.com, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, Conan O'Brien, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Herman Cain, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Maria Shriver, Moammar Gadhafi, Newt Gingrich, Osama bin Laden, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert, TSA, Victoria Beckham

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the six-foot mouse is real.
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Quotes of the day

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent Donald Trump-related late-night jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Donald Trump insists that he is going to run for president. I guess he figures if he can pull off that hairstyle, he can do anything.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up. Say what you want about Trump, at least this guy has his priorities in order. He doesn't want to let any reality get in the way of his reality show.
-Jay Leno

Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: "A complex world demands complex hair."
-David Letterman

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.
-Craig Ferguson

Donald Trump might be running for president and he just released his birth certificate. It lists his eyes as "blue" and his hair as "ridiculous."
-Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump announced he got his own segment every Monday morning on Fox News. Just what Fox News needs- another blonde airhead.
-Bill Maher

If Donald Trump loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?
-Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of Celebrity Apprentice is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever- I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.
-Jimmy Kimmel

In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network Donald Trump said "I believe in God." But of course Donald thought he was talking about himself.
-Jay Leno

Maybe he should ease into this- by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.
-Jimmy Kimmel

If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in Back to the Future 2, when Biff was in charge.
-Jimmy Kimmel

On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka.
-Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump called George W. Bush "the worst president in the history of the United States." Then he added, "Until, of course, I'm elected."
-Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.
-David Letterman

Categories: About.com, Bill Maher, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Fox News, Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

We're heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?
-Jay Leno

The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden...
-Jimmy Fallon

We are just four days away from the government shutdown, which will cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it.
-Stephen Colbert

Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head.
-Jimmy Fallon

The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it- just like he did with being president.
-Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'
-Jay Leno

President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He's not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He's forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to, every time we go to war.
-Jon Stewart

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.
-Craig Ferguson

So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch.
-Stephen Colbert

Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water.
-Conan O'Brien

There's a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the White House, and it's rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath. That's a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette.
-Jimmy Kimmel

I think Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D.C.' after just one season. That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs are losing their jobs.
-Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever— I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore,' but the U.S. government is still up in the air.
-Conan O'Brien

If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing.
-Jay Leno

A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
-Craig Ferguson

It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?
-Jimmy Kimmel

While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi's forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.
-Jay Leno

Categories: Barack Obama, BP, Bravo, Conan O'Brien, Congress, Craig Ferguson, Craigslist, Democrats, Donald Trump, Elections, Fox News, Geraldo Rivera, Glenn Beck, Government Shutdown, Jay Leno, Jersey Shore, Jimmy Fallon, Joe Biden, John Boehner, Jon Stewart, Katie Couric, Late Night TV, Moammar Gadhafi, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Reality Shows, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Stephen Colbert, TV

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

Tea Party candidate Michele Bachmann said the Revolutionary War started in New Hampshire when it really started in Massachusetts. Interesting that a woman who believes so strongly in states rights can't get her states right.
-Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, "Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it's Hillary."
-Jimmy Fallon

We're at war? Again? Don't we already have two? Wars aren't like kids, where you don't have to worry about the youngest one because the other two will take care of it.
-Jon Stewart

It's one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he's getting beaten up by the French.
-Jay Leno

The Pentagon says that U.S. operations in Libya are limited and have a definite end date. I don't believe that. We still have troops in Germany.
-Jay Leno

Did you see the footage of French planes bombing Libya? The planes look brand new, like they've never been used before.
-Jay Leno

Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don't want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down.
-Jay Leno

We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.
-Jay Leno

According to reports, Gadhafi is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.
-Conan O'Brien

The name of the U.S. operation in Libya is 'Odyssey Dawn.' It's the first military action to be named by Crabtree & Evelyn.
-Conan O'Brien

When the Obamas were in Chile their President said, 'I think the First Lady of the United States is very good-looking.' So now we're at war with Chile. Operation Lavender Mist.
-Conan O'Brien

On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'
-Conan O'Brien

The NAACP is taking a greater interest in attracting leaders from the gay community. This explains their new name, the 'National Association for the Advancement of Color-Coordinated People.'
-Conan O'Brien

Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire.
-David Letterman

Donald Trump says he will run for president. He'll have to find a cabinet position for that thing on his head.
-David Letterman

Trump says that if he's elected, he won't let the presidency interfere with the Miss Universe pageant.
-David Letterman

How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One.
-David Letterman

Charlie Sheen is still a big story because, honestly, none of us know where Libya is.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya- and to check on his NCAA brackets.
-Jimmy Kimmel

No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi's name. He's like the Hanukkah of dictators.
-Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama is cutting his trip to Latin America short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So to everyone who said Obama didn't care about Libya, you're wrong. He cares three hours' worth.
-Jimmy Fallon

A man in Texas used his obituary to ask for donations to anyone running against Obama in 2012. And then his ghost was offered a nightly show on Fox News.
-Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in 'theater.' Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in 'Spider-Man: the Musical.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Categories: About.com, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Charlie Sheen, Chile, Conan O'Brien, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Donald Trump, Egypt, Fox News, France, Germany, Hillary Clinton, Israel, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart, Latin America, Libya, Michele Bachmann, Middle East, Military, Moammar Gadhafi, NAACP, NATO, NCAA, Political Jokes of the Week, Sarah Palin, Spiderman, Texas, Tina Fey

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The Catholic Church has approved a new app that lets you make confessions over your iPhone. It also raises the possibility of accidentally butt-dialing God.
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: Apple, Conan O'Brien, Religion

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

"For the State of the Union address last night, Republicans and Democrats sat next to each other, instead of on opposite sides. The press called it 'date night.' How come they go on a date, but we're the ones who get screwed?"
-Jay Leno

"Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain and John Kerry naturally paired off as their other colleagues grew tired of their yearly tradition of reciting their own state of the union address under their breath."
-Jon Stewart

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing a 'Sarah-Palin-Free February,' a whole month in which she's not mentioned. This is stupid. Don't pick February, the shortest month. ... You know what the perfect month would be? November 2012."
-Jay Leno

"Egypt is in the second day of angry street protests. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is calling for calm. Because nothing calms an enraged Arab country like a powerful woman ordering it around."
-Conan O'Brien

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote."
-Jay Leno

"Tomorrow is the State of the Union Address, and Republicans and Democrats will sit together intermingled, if for no other reason than the raw sexual tension."
-Conan O'Brien

"The theme of President Obama's State of the Union address was 'Win the Future.' It was much more inspiring than the original theme: Beat the rerun of 'Top Chef.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Obama made a major announcement tonight. He's Oprah's half-brother. That's why there's been so much confusion about the birth certificate."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker."
-Jay Leno

"Rep. Michele Bachmann gave a rebuttal for the Tea Party, and she is a natural on camera. [She looked to the side the whole time.] Either the cue cards were in the wrong place or she was keeping an eye out for illegal immigrants the whole time."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you hear about the State of the Union address drinking game? You listen to the speech, and every time you think about the actual state of the union, you take a drink. It helps."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan."
-Conan O'Brien

"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken control in Lebanon, and opponents have declared a 'Day of Rage.' Or as it's known in the Middle East, 'Tuesday.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won."
-Stephen Colbert

"A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can't run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he's free to purchase the position."
-Conan O'Brien

"MSNBC has abruptly ended their relationship with Keith Olbermann, and according to his contract he's not allowed back on television for at least six months. Or as industry experts call it, The Conan."
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: About.com, Barack Obama, Chicago, Conan O'Brien, Daily Show, Daniel Kurtzman, Democrats, Egypt, Founding Fathers, Hezbollah, Hillary Clinton, Jay Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, John Boehner, John Kerry, John McCain, Jon Stewart, Keith Olbermann, Lebanon, Michele Bachmann, Middle East, MSNBC, Oprah Winfrey, Political Jokes of the Week, Politics, Rahm Emanuel, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Slavery, State of the Union, Stephen Colbert, Teabaggers, Tea Party, Terrorists, The Future

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.Com.

The President of China is in Washington. It's a bit like when you're into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello.
-Jimmy Kimmel

The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes.
-Jay Leno

The Republican-controlled House voted to repeal the healthcare bill. If that goes well, they'll see what they can do about this whole 'women voting' thing.
-Conan O'Brien

Good news tonight. The chief victim of that shooting in Tucson is sitting upright and talking. (On screen: Sarah Palin on Fox News)
-Jon Stewart

Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn't worried. He's already picked out a hunting buddy.
-David Letterman

Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
-David Letterman

President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu.
-Conan O'Brien

Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed, and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'
-Jay Leno

There was a really awkward moment when the Chinese president met President Obama's daughters and asked them, 'So what factories do you kids work at?'
-Jay Leno

Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist -- and the president of China.
-Craig Ferguson

After surprise visits to Afghanistan and Pakistan, Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. Is it me, or is he just lost in that area?
-Jimmy Fallon

Arnold Schwarzenegger said being Governor of California cost him at least 200 million dollars in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere said, 'Totally worth it.'
-Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he's considering doing a movie in which he would play a Nazi. He says that after being governor of California, he's looking for a job that will make people hate him less.
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: Arizona, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, Conan O'Brien, Congress, David Letterman, Dick Cheney, Fox News, Healthcare, Hu Jintao, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Joe Biden, Jon Stewart, Republicans, Sarah Palin

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.Com.

"Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two more for his performance on 'Dancing with the Stars.'"
-Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month."
-Jay Leno

"Last night was possibly the last show ever of 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' for several reasons. She might run for President and would have to abide by the equal time rules. Also, she just likes to quit things."
-Jimmy Kimmel

"When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States."
-Jay Leno

"Sad news. It looks like 'Sarah Palin's Alaska' won't be back for a second year. How does that make her feel? She was governor, almost vice president. She gets one year. Snooki's on her third year."
-Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin should pick The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' as her vice president. That way, we can get rid of two reality shows at once."
-Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin knows angry speech isn't a call to violence. Unless it's angry speech directed at Sarah Palin in which case it is a call to violence."
-Stephen Colbert

"Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers."
-Jay Leno

"John Edwards has denied 'The National Enquirer' story that he asked his mistress to marry him. Who are you gonna believe, the sleazy purveyor of lies or 'The National Enquirer'?"
-Jay Leno

"A new study shows that a woman's tears can chemically lower the level of testosterone in a man. When that happens, the man will also start to cry and then eventually be elected speaker of the House."
-Jay Leno

"San Francisco celebrated the opening of the nation's first gay history museum. The museum is called 'San Francisco.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"The blizzard was three hours of howling wind- kind of like Rush Limbaugh's radio show."
-Conan O'Brien

"It would be really nice if the ramblings of crazy people didn't in any way resemble how we actually talk to each other on TV. Let's at least make troubled individuals easier to spot."
-Jon Stewart, reflecting on vitriolic political rhetoric in the wake of the Arizona shooting

Categories: Barack Obama, Chinese, Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno, Jersey Shore, Jimmy Kimmel, John Boehner, John Edwards, Jon Stewart, San Francisco, Sarah Palin, Snooki, Stephen Colbert, The Situation, Tom DeLay

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.Com.

President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage?
-Jay Leno

Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in office?
-Jay Leno

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn't tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.
-David Letterman

A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39 percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice.
-Jay Leno

The Senate voted to allow gay soldiers to serve in the military. This is good news for gay soldiers, but bad news for straight soldiers who were going to say they were gay to get out of the Army.
-Conan O'Brien

Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'
-David Letterman

This morning President Obama signed the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell' into law. He would have signed it last night, but supporters of the bill didn't want to miss last night's episode of Glee.
-Conan O'Brien

John McCain was opposed to repealing 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' though he admitted that he probably served with gay soldiers during the Civil War.
-David Letterman

Vice President Joe Biden said there has been no 'substantive damage' to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison.
-Jay Leno

Last night on Sarah Palin's Alaska, the Palins went white water rafting with a guide named Mudflap. It was such an odd name, Sarah Palin asked, "Are you sure you're not one of my kids?"
-Jimmy Fallon

Sarah Palin's Alaska has been such a big hit for TLC, they're trying to get her to do another season. You know who doesn't want Palin to have a second season? Elk.
-Jimmy Fallon

Sarah Palin is getting into the Christmas spirit. Today, she shot a partridge in a pear tree.
-David Letterman

This weekend there were big Christmas sales, Congress repealed 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' and the President signed the tax-cut extension bill. So if you're a gay soldier who's also a millionaire, looking for tax-refund money to go Christmas shopping, this was the time of your life.
-Jay Leno

Categories: About.com, Barack Obama, Conan O'Brien, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, George W. Bush, Glee, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Joe Biden, John McCain, Julian Assange, Political Jokes of the Week, Sarah Palin, WikiLeaks

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

In Germany, an airport hired clowns to entertain grumpy passengers whose flights had been delayed. None of the clowns survived.
-Conan O'Brien

Categories: Airlines, Conan O'Brien, Quotes of the day, Weather

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

The week's best late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the six foot mouse is real.
-Conan O'Brien

Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there's one thing that's reassuring, it's seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter.
-Jimmy Fallon

Poor Haitians, they can't get a break. First the earthquake, then the hurricanes, and now Sarah Palin.
-David Letterman

Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' and Palin told Kate that you're putting your family in danger if you don't bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there's always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness.
-Jimmy Fallon

FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That's right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'
-Jimmy Fallon

George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, 'I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by... someone.
-Jimmy Fallon

Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because one in four young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?
-Jimmy Kimmel

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
-Craig Ferguson

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work.
-Jay Leno

Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door.
-Conan O'Brien

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'
-Craig Ferguson

Categories: About.com, Barack Obama, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Facebook, George W. Bush, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John McCain, Kate Gosselin, Larry King, Late Night TV, Mark Zuckerberg, Political Jokes of the Week, Sarah Palin, Time Magazine, TSA

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Using Dennis Miller's observation about Bill Gates, Oprah's a white cat and a monocle away from being a Bond villain.

To wit, this marvelous bit from Conan's new show on TBS:

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Late Night TV, Oprah Winfrey, Video, YouTube

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Visit Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog for his weekly round-up of late night political humor.

President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?
-David Letterman

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate.
-David Letterman

Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, three out of four Indonesians believe he's an American.
-Conan O'Brien

President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star.
-Craig Ferguson

One of Obama's childhood friends said he was chubby and ran like a duck. I think that proves he's not Kenyan. That's as American as it gets.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Bristol Palin has made it to the semi-finals of 'Dancing with the Stars.' I'm not saying she's going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for it's going all the way." —Jimmy Fallon

What if Bristol Palin wins 'Dancing with the Stars?' How afraid can America be of her mother? She can't dance. She's not a star. The only part of the show that applies to her is the 'with the.' I wouldn't have believed that a dancing competition could make me question whether I really live in a democracy or not.
-Jimmy Kimmel

I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency.
-Jimmy Fallon

In his new book, George W. Bush says he's happy to be out of Washington. Well, it's unanimous.
-David Letterman

George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time? Really?
-David Letterman

In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face.
-David Letterman

President Bush is back. And people really seem to love that new red beard. But he's getting criticism. John Boehner, new Speaker of the House, says Bush doesn't care about orange people.
-David Letterman

The Pentagon says it doesn't know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can't believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House.
-Jimmy Fallon

JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage- the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for ten years.
-Jimmy Fallon

A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular.
-Jimmy Fallon

Republicans fresh off their victory on Election Day say their first priority will be to dismantle the new health care law. And believe me, there's nothing people without a job love more than less health care.
-Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton says she will not run again for President. Your move, Brett Favre. ... When Hillary says she's not running, is she really not running? Or just pulling a Leno?
-David Letterman

President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober.
-Jay Leno

Categories: About.com, Airlines, Barack Obama, Bristol Palin, Conan O'Brien, Craig Ferguson, Daniel Kurtzman, David Letterman, Dick Cheney, Elections, George W. Bush, Healthcare, Hillary Clinton, Jay Leno, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Boehner, John McCain, Osama bin Laden, Political Jokes of the Week, Quotes of the day, Republicans, Sarah Palin

KGB recommends godaddy.com.

Conan O'Brien, Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart in an awesome dance contest last night at Radio City Music Hall in New York, an impromptu addition to O'Brien's "The Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour."

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Video

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In three months I've gone from network television to Twitter to performing live in theaters, and now I'm headed to basic cable. My plan is working perfectly.
-Conan O'Brien, in a TBS statement announcing his new show on the basic cable network.

Categories: Conan O'Brien, Late Night TV, Quotes of the day

KGB recommends godaddy.com.