KGB Report

God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
-Rev. Billy Graham

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
-Mark Twain

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us.
-Robert Louis Stevenson

So, if you wake up tomorrow and all the dogs are missing, take some comfort in knowing that God actually exists, and he is indeed a fine judge of character.

Categories: Dogs

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John Lithgow performs Newt Gingrich's latest press release.

Really.

Categories: Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert, Video

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ABC World News Now regular Barry Mitchell with a special version of the classic World News Polka.

What's the twenty-first of May?
Mankind's final Saturday!
That's the Doomsday Polka
If you're planning weekend trips
Make one the Apocalypse
That's the Doomsday Polka

There're lots of things we must get ready
In our final haste
Just don't buy any green bananas
They'll just go to waste

Looks like this is it, my friend
Welcome to the Bitter End
And the Doomsday Polka!

Some head to their house of worship
Others go to bars;
But Judgment Day comes every week
On Dancing With The Stars

One thing's doomed, and that's real plain
Donald Trump's White House campaign
That's the Doomsday Polka

We're all sinners, we're depraved
And that's why we must pay;
But Charlie Sheen is still around,
So I'd say we're okay.

The Mayan calendar I fear
Says the end will come next year
That's the World End Polka

Ah, see you Monday.

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I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. . . . corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed.
-Abraham Lincoln (Nov. 21, 1864 letter to Col. William F. Elkins)

Categories: Quotes of the day

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