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Quotes of the day: George Burns

Published Sunday, March 09, 2014 @ 7:48 AM EDT
Mar 09 2014

George Burns (January 20, 1896 – March 9, 1996), born Nathan Birnbaum, was an American comedian, actor and writer. He was one of the few entertainers whose career successfully spanned vaudeville, film, radio, and television. His arched eyebrow and cigar smoke punctuation became familiar trademarks for over three-quarters of a century. At the age of 79, Burns' career was resurrected as an amiable, beloved and unusually active old comedian in the 1975 film The Sunshine Boys, for which he won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor. He continued to work until shortly before his death, in 1996, at the age of 100. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)


By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.
(from Gracie: A Love Story)

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family- in another city.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I can do everything now that I could do when I was 18. I was pretty pathetic at 18.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than be a success at something I hate.

If I'd taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it

If you live to be a hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

It's good to be here. At my age, it's good to be anywhere.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.

The secret of acting is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Categories: George Burns, Quotes of the day


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