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Quotes of the day: Johnny Carson

Published Wednesday, October 23, 2013 @ 12:42 AM EDT
Oct 23 2013

(Visit the KGB Report's Johnny Carson page.)

John William "Johnny" Carson (October 23, 1925 - January 23, 2005) was an American television host and comedian, known for thirty years as host of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962–1992). Carson received six Emmy Awards, the Governor's Award, and a 1985 Peabody Award. He was inducted into the Television Academy Hall of Fame in 1987. Johnny Carson was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1992 and received a Kennedy Center Honor in 1993. Although his show was already successful by the end of the 1960s, during the 1970s Carson became an American icon and remained so until his retirement in 1992. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)


An optimist is an accordion player with a beeper.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds.

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head. This signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto- usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Democracy means free television; not good television, but free.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.

I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled. (On how he became a star.)

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

If you must smoke, don't do it orally.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Only lie about the future. (to politicians)

People pay more to be entertained that educated.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"

The best things in life are free. And the cheesiest things in life are free with a paid subscription to Sports Illustrated.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

We're doing great in Malibu. The mudslides put out the fires.

Categories: Johnny Carson, Quotes of the day


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