John William “Johnny” Carson (October 23, 1925 - January 23, 2005) was an American television host and comedian, known for 30 years as host of The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson (1962–1992). Carson received six Emmy Awards, the Governor Award, and a 1985 Peabody Award. He was inducted into the Television Academy Hall of Fame in 1987. Johnny Carson was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1992 and received a Kennedy Center Honor in 1993. Although his show was already successful by the end of the 1960s, during the 1970s Carson became an American icon and remained so until his retirement in 1992. Click for full article.
(A portion of David Letterman's 2005 tribute show for Johnny Carson.)
Visit our Johnny Carson page.
One of Carson's funniest routines was Carnac the Magnificent, an alleged psychic who would hold to his head a sealed envelope, divine and announce the answer, then open the envelope and read the question. He adapted the bit from routines previously performed by Steve Allen and Ernie Kovacs, but Carson perfected the format.
Herewith are some of the more memorable Carnac gags. For the complete list, go to the source at www.nightscribe.com, But be certain to watch the video at the end...
A: Peter Pan.
Q: What do you use to fry a peter?
A: Mount Baldy.
Q: How do you play piggyback with Telly Savales?
A: A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
Q: What were some of the earlier forms of Preparation H?
A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
A: Black and white and twenty feet tall.
Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
Q: What do call the clone of a guy named Cy?
A: ”Hi diddly dee.“
Q: How do you say "Good morning" to your diddly dee?
A: The Orient express.
Q: What is a drink made with soy sauce and prune juice?
Q: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
Q: What's the best thing to do if you swallow a hand grenade?
A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
Q: What do you say when calling your quat?
Q: On a cold morning, what forms on de-grass?
A: Gunga din.
Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
A: Shoo be doo be doo.
Q: What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo be doo be?
A: Trapper John.
Q: What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?
Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
A: Zeppo Marx.
Q: What do you get when something gets caught in your Zeppo?
Q: What's the smart thing to do if a Dallas Cowgirl touches you?
A: The big ten.
Q: Describe the five finalists in the Miss Universe contest.
A: All the President's Men.
Q: Who won't be let out to see the picture?
Q: Name a focal that goes both ways.
Q: What comes after Timbuk one?
Q: How does a stupid person spell “backgammon?”
A: Jello and “Charlie's Angels.”
Q: What looks delicious, quivers all over and can't talk?
A: The Loch Ness Monster.
Q: Who will they find sooner than Jimmy Hoffa?
A: The diamond lane.
Q: What does Zsa Zsa Gabor call the center of a church?
A: A nine foot base with two feet of powder.
Q: Describe Mick Jagger's nose.
A: Putting on the dog.
Q: What do you call dressing up as a tree?
A: "Yes man."
Q: What should you answer to everything George Foreman says?
A: You asked for it.
Q: How do you get it?
A: Big Ben, Joe Namath and the candidates' campaign promises.
Q: Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
Q: What's in Jimmy Dean's sausages?
(The best of Carnac.)
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