KGB Report

I was in the middle of trying to figure out why a recursive function wasn't recursing, when my wife called me upstairs.

She was in the living room, holding a ball of matted fur. With eyes. And a tail, wagging. Furiously.

One of her son's clients was going into a personal care home. The woman had suffered a stroke a week after adopting the Shih Tzu puppy Cindy cradled in her arms. An older Shih Tzu the infirm woman owned had found a new home, but this four-month old had not been so fortunate.

"They haven't been able to find anyone to take her," my wife said.

"And if this sweet, innocent puppy that looks like something you fished out of the sink trap in the bathroom goes to the pound, it will be on your head, you heartless bastard."

To be fair, she didn't actually say that. That was the part of my brain that had just clubbed insensate the other part- the one saying "Swell. You now have three Shetland Sheepdogs, two cats, and a mutant Ewok."

I named her Pixie, after the mythical creatures who are, according to Wikipedia, "generally benign, mischievous, short of stature and attractively childlike." Insert your David Spade joke here.

We got her in to the nearest vet office, and the report was better than expected; 7 pounds, 7 ounces; good health aside from an umbilical hernia that will be corrected when she's spayed; a few fleas; some sores from her scratching off bows some idiot groomer had glued to her head; and incredibly matted hair. Until her grooming appointment, I've been using my beard trimmer- it's battery powered, and makes less puppy-scaring noise- to remove the worst areas.

I'm just afraid that once we get all the hair removed, we'll discover she's really a guinea pig.

The three Shelties think she's a puppy. We believe this because Lucy, the 15-year-old queen of the household, just sat there when Pixie got in her face and started aggressively smelling the older dog.

The cats... well, they don't know what the hell she is. Pixie's three pounds lighter and several inches smaller than Pumpkin, the "evil" cat who does not like changes in the environment. The feline watched intently as I trimmed the puppy yesterday morning. I got the impression Pumpkin thought I was engaged in the moral equivalent of chicken plucking.

So, the cat and the puppy will remain under enhanced surveillance. Especially between mealtimes.

Pixie surveys the area.

Riley watches as Pixie explores the back yard.

Riley demonstrates the mien and posture of a true herding dog.
Pixie, not so much.

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Categories: Dogs, KGB Family

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William Jacob "Will" Cuppy (August 23, 1884 - September 19, 1949) was an American humorist and literary critic, known for his satirical books about nature and historical figures. He is almost forgotten today, and his life was, from most accounts, not a particularly happy one. Click here for full Wikipedia article. Click here for Down With Tyranny's superb retrospective.

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A few cobras in your home will soon clear it of rats and mice. Of course, you will still have the cobras.

A hermit is simply a person to whom civilization has failed to adjust itself.

Ah, well! We live and learn, or, anyway, we live.

All modern men are descended from a worm-like creature, but it shows more on some people.

Aristotle described the crow as chaste. In some departments of knowledge, Aristotle was too innocent for his own good.

Aristotle was famous for knowing everything. He taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons.

Armadillos make affectionate pets, if you need affection that much.

Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.

Even as a child back in Indiana, whenever I took a butterbelly off the hook I used to ask myself, 'Does this fish think?' I would even ask others, 'Do you suppose this Butterbelly can think?' And all I would get in reply was a look. At the age of eighteen, I left the state.

Great men seem to have only one purpose in life- getting into history. That may be all they are good for.

He (Columbus) believed you could reach the East by going west. That is true enough, if you don't overdo it. You can reach Long Island City by taking the ferry for Weehawken, but nobody does it on purpose.

I only know that all is lost, and that nothing can help me unless I inherit money, strike oil or go to work.

I think you are absolutely right about everything, except I think humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell.

Intelligence is the capacity to know what we are doing and instinct is just instinct. The results are about the same.”

It's easy to see the faults in people I know; it's hardest to see the good. Especially when the good isn't there.

Just when you're beginning to think pretty well of people, you run across somebody who puts sugar on sliced tomatoes.

My philosophy of life can be summed up in four words: It can't be helped.

The Age of Reptiles ended because it had gone on long enough and it was all a mistake in the first place. A better day was dawning at the close of the Mesozoic Era. There were some little warm-blooded animals around which had been stealing and eating the eggs of the dinosaurs, and they were gradually learning to steal other things, too. Civilization was just around the corner

The ancient Egyptians considered it good luck to meet a swarm of Bees on the road. What they considered bad luck I couldn't say.

The chameleon's face reminded Aristotle of a Baboon. Aristotle wasn't much of a looker himself.

The Egyptians of the First Dynasty were already civilized in most respects. They had hieroglyphics, metal weapons for killing foreigners, numerous government officials, death, and taxes.

The head of a pike, served at supper, is said to have caused the death from terror of Theodoric the Goth, who imagined the fish's features to be those of Symmachus, a man he had just killed. But for this story, we of today would have no idea what Symmachus looked like.

The moral of the story of the Pilgrims is that if you work hard all your life and behave yourself every minute and take no time out for fun you will break practically even, if you can borrow enough money to pay your taxes.

The Phoenicians employed an alphabet of twenty-one consonants. They left no literature. You can't be literary without a few vowels.

There is no use murdering people; there are always so many left, and if you tried to murder them all you would never get anything else done.

They (the Pilgrim Fathers) believed in freedom of thought for themselves and for all other people who believed exactly as they did.

To give the beaver his due, he does things because he has to do them, not because he believes that hard work per se will somehow make him a better beaver- the beaver may be dumb, but he is not that dumb!

We have no common vipers in the United States, but we have worse.

You can't do much for the poor, as they are not in with the right people.

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Categories: Quotes of the day, Will Cuppy

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