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Published Tuesday, August 06, 2013 @ 12:53 AM EDT
Aug 06 2013

People are worried about genetically modified foods, but everything will be fine. At least that's what my broccoli keeps saying.
-@Kelkulus

Confused about Pork Week. Is it Pork the verb or the noun?
-Joe Garden

Just had a terrible nightmare where I wasn't effectively leveraging my core competencies when applying best practices.
-Asterios Kokkinos

*Velociraptor jiggles bathroom door handle* "Someone's in here!" *jiggling stops*
-Matt Roller

Taylor Swift seems like one of those chicks who thinks it's cute to put her bare feet on the dashboard of a car when riding shotgun.
-Jenny Johnson

"Quinoa is an ancient grain." It sure tastes like it.
-Jim Gaffifan

How come nobody delivers donuts? Why is every donut place afraid of a million dollars?
-Andy Daly

I wish malls had Destroy-a-Bear stores.
-Alex Blagg

There should be a third gun in 2 Guns that audience members can kill themselves with.
-Jake Weisman

Google Geek Camp is a great way for your children to interact with grown men wearing eyeball cameras.
-Amanda Melson

OK. In hindsight, I probably had too many references to karma in that eulogy.
-Justin Shanes

Facebook is suddenly nothing more than an accounting of which of my friends and relatives will believe anything they read.
-Dave Holmes

Eating a turkey burger is like watching "Goodfellas" on basic cable.
-CJ Sullivan

I bet Andy Dufresne ended up married miserable and sick of Mexican food.
-Moshe Kasher

Older, unmarried man in a cape says he's okay with gays. Huh.
-Alex Baze

Still haven't seen "Pacific Rim" but did shake a bag of recycling, so kind of?
-Albertina Rizzo

Great place for humor: HappyPlaceTM.


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« Andy Warhol's 85th birthday: Quotes and Final Resting Place of the Day
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