KGB Report

...when "satire" in The Onion is about the only honest, objective view you'll get of this abysmal situation.

Sadly, Nation Knows Exactly How Colorado
Shooting's Aftermath Will Play Out

(The Onion, July 20, 2012)

WASHINGTON-Americans across the nation confirmed today that, unfortunately, due to their extreme familiarity with the type of tragedy that occurred in a Colorado movie theater last night, they sadly know exactly how the events following the horrific shooting of 12 people will unfold.

While admitting they "absolutely hate" the fact they have this knowledge, the nation's 300 million citizens told reporters they can pinpoint down to the hour when the first candlelight vigil will be held, roughly how many people will attend, how many times the county sheriff will address the media in the coming weeks, and when the town-wide memorial service will be held.

Additionally, sources nationwide took no pleasure in confirming that some sort of video recording, written material, or disturbing photographs made by the shooter will be surfacing in about an hour or two.

"I hate to say it, but we as Americans are basically experts at this kind of thing by now,” said 45-year-old market analyst Jared Gerson, adding that the number of media images of Aurora, CO citizens crying and looking shocked is “pretty much right in line with where it usually is at this point." "The calls not to politicize the tragedy should be starting in an hour, but by 1:30 p.m. tomorrow the issue will have been politicized. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if the shooter's high school classmate is interviewed within 45 minutes."

"It's like clockwork," said Gerson, who sighed, shook his head, and walked away.

According to the nation's citizenry, calls for a mature, thoughtful debate about the role of guns in American society started right on time, and should persist throughout the next week or so. However, the populace noted, the debate will soon spiral out of control and ultimately lead to nothing of any substance, a fact Americans everywhere acknowledged they felt "absolutely horrible" to be aware of.

With scalpel-like precision, the American populace then went on to predict, to the minute, how long it will take for the media to swarm Aurora, CO, how long it will take for them to leave, and exactly when questions will be raised as to whether or not violence in movies and video games had something to do with the act.

The nation's citizens also confirmed that, any time now, some religious figure or cable news personality will say something unbelievably insensitive about the tragic shooting.

"Unfortunately, I've been through this a lot, and I pretty much have it down to a science when President Obama will visit Colorado, when he will meet with the families of those who lost loved ones, and when he will give his big speech that people will call 'unifying' and 'very presidential,'" Jacksonville resident Amy Brennen, 32, said, speaking for every other person in the country. "Nothing really surprises me when it comes to this kind of thing anymore. And that makes me feel terrible."

"Oh, and here's another thing I hate I know," Brennen continued, "In exactly two weeks this will all be over and it will be like it never happened."

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Categories: Barack Obama, Hypocrisy, News Media, Observations, Politics, Questions for the Ages, Religion, Second Amendment, The Onion, TV, U.S. Constitution

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Quotes of the day- Ernest Hemingway:
 
Ernest Miller Hemingway (July 21, 1899 – July 2, 1961) was an American author and journalist. His economical and understated style had a strong influence on 20th-century fiction, while his life of adventure and his public image influenced later generations. Hemingway produced most of his work between the mid-1920s and the mid-1950s, and won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1954. He published seven novels, six short story collections and two non-fiction works. Three novels, four collections of short stories and three non-fiction works were published posthumously. Many of these are considered classics of American literature. (Click here for full article.)

A big lie is more plausible than truth.

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

All good books have one thing in common- they are truer than if they had really happened.

All modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn... American writing comes from that. There was nothing before. There has been nothing as good since.

All politics is a matter of working hard without reward, or with a living wage for a time, in the hope of booty later.

All things truly wicked start from an innocence.

All thinking men are atheists.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

America is the land of wide lawns and narrow minds.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his friends.

And how much better to die in all the happy period of undisillusioned youth, to go out in a blaze of light, than to have your body worn out and old and illusions shattered.

But man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.

Every day above earth is a good day

Everybody is friends when things are bad enough.

Fear of death increases in exact proportion to increase in wealth.

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.

However you make your living is where your talent lies.

I [like to write letters] because it's such a swell way to keep from working and yet feel you've done something.

I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I've been in love (truly) with five women, the Spanish Republic and the 4th Infantry Division.

If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.

It wasn't by accident that the Gettysburg address was so short. The laws of prose writing are as immutable as those of flight, of mathematics, of physics.

Man is not made for defeat. A man can be destroyed but not defeated.

My attitude toward punctuation is that it ought to be as conventional as possible. The game of golf would lose a good deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green. You ought to be able to show that you can do it a good deal better than anyone else with the regular tools before you have a license to bring in your own improvements.

Never confuse movement with action.

Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime. Ask the infantry and ask the dead.

Nobody knows what's in him until he tries to pull it out. If there's nothing, or very little, the shock can kill a man.

One cat just leads to another.

Prose is architecture, not interior decoration, and the Baroque is over.

That is the great fallacy; the wisdom of old men. They do not grow wise. They grow careful.

The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life- and one is as good as the other.

The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shock-proof, shit detector. This is the writer's radar and all great writers have had it.

The sole purpose of the cabaret is for unattached men to find complaisant women. All the rest is a wasting of time in bad air.

The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong at the broken places.

There is honor among pickpockets and honor among whores. It is simply that the standards differ.

There is no lonelier man in death, except the suicide, than that man who has lived many years with a good wife and then outlived her. If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it.

There is no such thing as safety. There are so many seeking safety here now that they make a great danger. In seeking safety now you lose all.

They say the seeds of what we will do are in all of us, but it always seemed to me that in those who make jokes in life the seeds are covered with better soil and with a higher grade of manure.

They wrote in the old days that it is sweet and fitting to die for ones country. But in modern war there is nothing sweet nor fitting in your dying. You will die like a dog for no good reason.

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be. But what will happen in all the other days that ever come can depend on what you do today.

War is no longer made by simply analysed economic forces if it ever was. War is made or planned now by individual men, demagogues and dictators who play on the patriotism of their people to mislead them into a belief in the great fallacy of war when all their vaunted reforms have failed to satisfy the people they misrule.

Wars are Spinach. Life in general is the tough part. In war all you have to do is not worry and know how to read a map and co-ordinates.

We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.

When some people hear an echo, they think they originated the sound.

When you give power to an executive you do not know who will be filling that position when the time of crisis comes.

When you stop doing things for fun you might as well be dead.

You never understand anybody that loves you.

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Categories: Ernest Hemingway, Quotes of the day

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