A grandmother will put a sweater on you when she is cold, feed you when she is hungry, and put you to bed when she is tired.
An ugly carpet will last forever.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
I will never engage in a winter sport with an ambulance parked at bottom of the hill.
I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.
I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.
I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
There are only three things worth remembering: you social security number, the formula for your hair dye and how many hours you were in labor with your children.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in Paradise and look like your passport photo.
What does it profit a seventy-eight-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
Worry is like a rocking chair. It will give you something to do, but it won't get you anywhere.