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Quotes of the day: Robert Orben

Published Tuesday, March 04, 2014 @ 12:04 AM EST
Mar 04 2014

Robert Orben (b. March 4, 1927) is best known as an American professional comedy writer, though he also worked as a speechwriter for Gerald R. Ford and as a magician. He has written multiple books on comedy, mostly collections of gags and 'one-liners' originally written for his newsletter, Orben's Current Comedy, and he has also written books for magicians. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)


A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that individuality is the key to success.

Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

Do your kids a favor- don't have any.

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?'

If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson... you find the present tense and the past perfect.

Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

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