Robert Orben (b. March 4, 1927) is best known as an American
professional comedy writer, though he also worked as a speechwriter for
Gerald R. Ford and as a magician. He has written multiple books on
comedy, mostly collections of gags and 'one-liners' originally written
for his newsletter, Orben's Current Comedy, and he has also
written books for magicians. (Click
here for full Wikipedia article)
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A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells
thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that
individuality is the key to success.
Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but
the bank bounces?
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to
find out if the polls were right?
Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up
to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next
eight years trying to get published.
Do your kids a favor- don't have any.
Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would
turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that
they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say,
'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?'
If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to
identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any
Indian.
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather
than all major credit cards.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it
to keep in touch.
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson... you find the present tense and the
past perfect.
Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives
they can get.
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with
people.
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down
I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.
Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are
always high, and the results usually disappointing.
There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the
dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have
already been there.
These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right
moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him
loose.
Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.
Categories:
Quotes of the day,
Robert Orben
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