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Quotes of the day: Bob Newhart

Published Thursday, September 05, 2013 @ 4:28 AM EDT
Sep 05 2013

George Robert "Bob" Newhart (b. September 5, 1929) is an American stand-up comedian and actor. Noted for his deadpan and slightly stammering delivery, Newhart came to prominence in the 1960s when his album of comedic monologues The Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart was a worldwide bestseller and reached number one on the Billboard pop album chart. It remains the 20th best-selling comedy album in history. The follow-up album, The Button-Down Mind Strikes Back! was also a massive success, and the two albums held the Billboard number one and number two spots simultaneously, a feat unequaled until the 1991 release of Use Your Illusion I and Use Your Illusion II by hard rock band Guns N' Roses.


A guy walks into a psychologist's convention with a banana in his pocket. When asked about the significance of this he says: well,they were all out of grapes.

All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

Humor's a weapon if you want to make it one.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for those people who like country music, denigrate means "put down."

I don't want to find the secret. I'm afraid all the joy will go out of it if I find the secret.

I guess I'll just never learn to live like a star. Jack Lord was born that way; I just can't get the hang of it.

I still feel 30, except when I try to run.

I think everyone probably starts out sounding like someone else, but gradually you develop your own sound.

I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.

I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.

It won an Emmy, a Peabody Award and a pink slip from NBC. All in the same year. (re: his 1961 variety show)

It's getting harder and harder to differentiate between schizophrenics and people talking on a cell phone.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

Life is a hamburger. Fry some of the fat away, take a couple bites, and it's gone.

Marriage and fatherhood heighten the disillusion that we all think we are born handy. We confidently believe that we can fix things around the house, as if it's part of the collective brain that was further enhanced by eighth-grade shop class.

Stammering is different than stuttering. Stutterers have trouble with the letters, while stammerers trip over entire parts of a sentence. We stammerers generally think of ourselves as very bright. My own private theory is that stammerers have so many ideas swirling around their brains at once that they can't get them all out, though I haven't found any scientific evidence to back that up.

Television series are like the stock market. There's room for bears and bulls but no room for pigs

The giant superstars are people whose talent is so enormous that their death wish can't destroy it.

The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

You may not think I'm a sex symbol, but I became a father at the age of 48. Now young people think of me as a mini-folk hero because it's difficult for them to believe a man of my age is sexually active.

You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.

Categories: Bob Newhart, Quotes of the day


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