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Borowitz on a roll

Published Sunday, January 08, 2012 @ 11:44 AM EST
Jan 08 2012

I have a Twitter account but I really don't follow it- I already have enough distractions. But I do have the app installed on my cell phone. I accidentally ran it this morning and was presented with a week's worth of hysterical musings by Andy Borowitz. My favorites follow: they're in reverse chronological order, starting with his observations on the latest GOP debate in New Hampshire:

I'm surprised Huntsman hasn't benefited more from our culture's fascination with vampires.

When Gingrich talks about "moving to a 21st century model," Callista better watch her back.

Rick Perry's comments have been sponsored by Lunesta.

Mitt Romney would make a great President in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie.

Somewhere, Herman Cain and Michele Bachmann are in a motel room watching this & laughing.

Rick Perry: "Not only have I worn a uniform, this Halloween I went as a slutty nurse."

Huntsman: "I am the only man on this stage with decades of experience running a funeral home."

Ron Paul better be on guard or Huntsman will try to embalm him.

This promises to be the whitest Yo Mama contest on record.

I worry that all the jokes about Santorum's sweater vests are distracting us from the fact that he's a f*cking a**hat.

Gingrich: "I'm not leaving Romney alone unless he gets cancer."

That weird sensation you're feeling while watching the #GOPDebate is your brain cells curling up and dying.

Rick Perry on preparing for the debate: "I started drinking yesterday."

I'll miss Bachmann and Cain tonight. It'll be like watching an episode of Three's Company with no Ropers.

To Santorum, poor people are like sweater sleeves- he knows they exist, he just has no use for them.

I never delete any voicemails just in case there's something Rupert Murdoch might enjoy.

It's helpful when CNN shows us what's happening on Twitter because it reminds us to turn off CNN and go on Twitter.

From now on, please join me in referring to a "sweater vest" as a "douche holster."

Real sign the economy is improving: Republicans are starting to say Obama wasn't born here again.

Newt Gingrich is the kind of guy who goes to church and his "Hard Out Here For a Pimp" ringtone goes off.

Remember, no matter what sh*t you're going through in your life right now, at least you're not talking to Rick Santorum.

Critics may accuse Mitt Romney of flip-flopping, but he has been very consistent about being a d*ck.

Children say amazing and hilarious things unless they're other people's children.

Boehner on improving employment numbers: "This is a wakeup call. We've got to work harder to f*ck this up."

The Underwear Bomber is named Umar Farouk Abdulmjutallab, so let's just keep calling him The Underwear Bomber.

There's no way you can see a headline like "Santorum Blanketing New Hampshire" and not be grossed out.

There's an interesting story about the psychology of Romney voters in the American Journal of Settling.

Just reread the Book of Revelation- I had never noticed all the references to sweater vests before.

Just reread ancient Mayans' prophecy. They didn't say the world would end in 2012, just a Van Halen reunion.

Rick Santorum supports the rights of the unborn child until it's born and wants a gay marriage.

Pat Robertson: 'God Told Me the GOP Nominee Will Be a White Male A**hole'

Bachmann on quitting the race: "At least now I won't have to figure out where all those other states are."

Mitt Romney is hoping for a big win in New Hampshire, which he defines as 9 votes.

Santorum says he"s not against homosexuality "when it's done right."

I felt safer with Michele Bachmann on the campaign trail than I do now that she's just wandering around.

If only 8 more people liked me than Rick Santorum I would put a gun in my mouth.

BREAKING: Romney Vows to Put Americans Back to Work Making Negative Ads

What I'll miss most about Michele Bachmann? When she means "standard bearer" she always says "standard bear."

Michele Bachmann's decision to quit the race is disturbing because it smacks of sanity.

Romney Jubilant after Finishing in Dead Heat with Walking Joke in Sweater Vest

Iowa is too small and white to choose a President, which is why I'm glad we're moving on to New Hampshire.

BREAKING: CNN to Simulcast Bachmann's Withdrawal Speech in English

Remember, Michele Bachmann doesn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Also: the words science, math, apple, cat.

BREAKING: .0006% of Iowans Dislike Romney less than Santorum

The last time so few people decided a Presidential race they were all on the Supreme Court.

Say what you will about the margin of Romney's victory, but 8 votes is still 6 more than Rick Perry can count.

Rick Perry just said this race wasn't about him. Apparently Iowa agrees.

Note to Middle Easterners: when you protest for democracy, remember to specify "but not that caucus sh*t."

Only Wolf Blitzer could make the words "three-way" sound so boring.

Mitt Romney must be thrilled: he's in a tie with a lawn gnome and a guy who opposes man-on-dog marriage.

Santorum says he didn't mind trailing in the polls "because I'm used to being in the cellar."

If Santorum is going to be President we better hurry and marry our pets now.

In a bold last-minute tactic, Romney has changed his first name on the ballot from Mitt to Not.

Such a small unrepresentative group has never been allowed to pick a US President. Oh wait- the Supreme Court.

The Iowa caucuses are like a sitcom with no main characters and just wacky neighbors.

If Michele Bachmann and Tebow both lose this week, then God is 0 for 2012.

If Santorum almost wins Iowa, it will be like when Sanjaya almost won American Idol.

I get that God has his reasons for tsunamis and earthquakes, but I'm finding these Tebow losses hard to fathom.

Pat Robertson: 'God Made Tebow Lose to Punish any Denver Fans who Might be Gay'

Reality check, America: God does not make people win football games. He makes them win Grammys.

BREAKING: Santorum Picks Up Key Endorsement from Ancient Mayans

I really think it's time Boyz 2 Men just started calling themselves Men.

Categories: Andy Borowitz


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Happy Birthday to The King

Published Sunday, January 08, 2012 @ 12:00 AM EST
Jan 08 2012

Elvis Aaron Presley: (January 8, 1935 – August 16, 1977)

(YouTube video: Elvis Presley sings "In The Ghetto". Written by Mac Davis and included in his 1969 album "From Elvis in Memphis," it was The King's first non-gospel top-ten hit in six years and perhaps the last of the great "message" songs. The album also contained "Suspicious Minds," "Don't Cry Daddy," and "Kentucky Rain.")

Categories: Music, YouTube


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