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Political jokes of the week
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Published Friday, April 08, 2011 @ 8:42 AM EDT
Apr 08 2011

Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

We're heading for a government shutdown. This is serious. Without the government who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?
-Jay Leno

The White House may have to lay off all nonessential workers if the government shuts down. You know: interns, pages, Biden...
-Jimmy Fallon

We are just four days away from the government shutdown, which will cripple the VA, Social Security and Medicare. So I get to snuff out one more candle on my Government Shutdown Menorah. Shutdownica celebrates the miracle of telling veterans and the elderly that they can suck it.
-Stephen Colbert

Fox News announced today that Glenn Beck will leave his show later this year. It's nothing personal. He just wants to spend more time with the voices in his head.
-Jimmy Fallon

The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. Yeah, he wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it- just like he did with being president.
-Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is going to seek reelection. His slogan this time? 'Change you can believe in. This time I promise. Really.'
-Jay Leno

President Obama will run for reelection in 2012. He's not breaking up with us! He wants to work things out! He's forgiving our poor record on post-recession job creation, our incessant demands to be talked to, every time we go to war.
-Jon Stewart

President Obama announced his re-election campaign, though it's not really a surprise. He did all the things that make it official: He filed the paperwork, redesigned his website, and printed another fake birth certificate.
-Craig Ferguson

So far the Republican field looks like a bunch of guys responding to a Craigslist ad for a free couch.
-Stephen Colbert

Officials at BP have filed for permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. They say the oil is easier to find than ever because it's mostly on top of the water.
-Conan O'Brien

There's a $376 million semi-secret construction project happening at the White House, and it's rumored that a tunnel is being built underneath. That's a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his mother-in-law. Let the man have a cigarette.
-Jimmy Kimmel

I think Obama is building an underground Kenya. A new subterranean land so he can Africanize us from below. I heard that on Fox News.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Bravo is canceling 'The Real Housewives of D.C.' after just one season. That's when unemployment is bad, when people who don't even have jobs are losing their jobs.
-Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever— I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore,' but the U.S. government is still up in the air.
-Conan O'Brien

If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Members of Congress will still get paid if there's a shutdown. So it will be just like it is now. We'll be paying them to do nothing.
-Jay Leno

A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
-Craig Ferguson

It's being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now?
-Jimmy Kimmel

While covering the war in Libya Geraldo Rivera was shot at by Gaddafi's forces. See, you never hear about the good things Gaddafi does.
-Jay Leno


Categories: Craig Ferguson, Jon Stewart, Political Jokes of the Week, Stephen Colbert


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Quote of the day
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Published Friday, April 08, 2011 @ 5:19 AM EDT
Apr 08 2011

As soon as the government shuts down, let's change the locks.
-Elayne Boosler


Categories: Elayne Boosler, Quotes of the day


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