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Know your enemy

Published Monday, November 22, 2010 @ 9:26 AM EST
Nov 22 2010

If you're plugged into Twitter, be certain to follow Agent Smith of the TSA for the latest news from the field. (Thanks to "J").

Some recent observations from Agent Smith:

You could abolish the TSA, but then we'd just get jobs at the IRS.

The official TSA response to crying babies is dingos.

Don't think we don't see what you are doing. It won't work. We've put down larger revolts with only fire hoses and badgers.

What are we looking for when we scan you? Pride. It's prohibited past the security gate.

Your freedom is in our hands. Literally.

We opt-out of listening to you whine.

Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

Our job isn't finished until nobody is flying.

If the Constitution was meant to apply to us, you'd think it'd say "TSA" somewhere in it.

Don't worry if a TSA agent says he's undressing you with his eyes. It's part of his training.

We've found it effective to yell loudly at passengers in German.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely...and we're completely okay with that.

Some passenger yelled at me, "Who died and made you king?!" I told her, "freedom."

Tonight we put a few backscatter scanners together and formed a Stargate.

One time we actually found a grenade. We had Creepy Karl pat her down..

Screaming "Confess Your Sins" at passengers works more often than you would think.

In a testament to our social media prowess, we've installed a TwitPic API on the backscatter scanner.

Picking out America Haters on Nation Opt-Out Day will be like picking-out hippies at Burning Man.

We're trying to get @Sn00ki to sponsor our hybrid line of full-body scanner/tanning booth.

We tried playing Barry White over the P.A. system to get people ready for freedom pats. Things just got weird.

Here's the truth: We don't enjoy patting you down, but it beats urinating on passengers to show our dominance.

TSA Advice: The best prevention for crying children on airplanes is contraceptives.

Pants on the ground isn't just a song. It's an order.

There is no credible evidence to suggest the mutations occurring after a scan weren't a pre-existing condition.

There is a fine line between security and humiliation. So we built a bridge over it.

Why do toddlers need freedom pats? They're about the size of a suitcase nuke, and one can never be too careful.

If you turn the scanner settings to "1.21 gigawatts," we've found that you can go back to 1985.

Even Black Friday can't beat the deals we find in the checked baggage screening area.

We saw Russia from Sarah Palin's backscatter scan.

We don't use the term "balls" to describe testicles. The official term is "organic terrorism repositories."

TSA Advisory: In preparation for National Opt Out day, the TSA is stockpiling canisters of tear gas, and angry badgers.

We hooked up a couple of scanners to replicate the teleport pad from StarTrek. The thing is, Agent Jim actually teleported.

Your privacy is safe with us. We have Agent Grover monitoring the scanner images, and he's legally blind.

TSA Travel Tip: For your health, please remove all metal before entering scanners. Think "tinfoil in a microwave." #tsa

Some say we touched a nerve with airline passengers. Heh, we touched more than that. Hey-ooo.

We're confident that Congress will understand our enhanced rubbing techniques. They use the same methods on interns.


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