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Quotes of the day

Published Monday, November 22, 2010 @ 7:20 PM EST
Nov 22 2010

I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree.
-Sarah Palin

We need clean up the state that is so sorry today of college education.

Not if anything to say about it I have.

Some people have a way with words, and other people... not have way.
-Steve Martin

Categories: Quotes of the day


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Tonight at 10 on HBO...

Published Monday, November 22, 2010 @ 1:40 PM EST
Nov 22 2010

Don't miss Martin Scorses's documentary on Fran Lebowitz tonight at 10 eastern on HBO. Should be a hoot.

Herewith are some favorite Lebowitz quotes, from the KGB Quote Generator:

A dog who thinks he is a man's best friend is a dog who obviously has never met a tax lawyer.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

Climbing a tree makes sense to me only if behind you there are Nazis.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. One can only assume that this has something to do with not smoking enough.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

I would have more respect for the Pope if he wore a white cotton teeshirt emblazoned with red with the legend: INFALLIBLE BUT NOT INFLEXIBLE.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let's Make a Deal.

Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans.

Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.

Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded as the heavy petting of literature.

Many people find smoking objectionable. I myself find many-even more-things objectionable. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tanned. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs.

My favorite animal is steak.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.

Screenwriting is not an art form, it is a punishment from God.

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Smoking, as far as I am concerned, is the whole point of being an adult.

Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Success didn't spoil me; I've always been insufferable.

The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get you a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

The three questions of greatest concern are: 1) Is it attractive? 2) Is it amusing? 3) Does it know its place?

There are only two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

There's no line-item veto in life.

There's nothing about an elevator I like. It's too small. It's filled with people I did not invite. And often these people are wearing conflicting perfumes.

[T]o me the outdoors is what you have to pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.

When it comes to sports I am not particularly interested. I look upon them as dangerous and tiring activities performed by people with whom I share nothing except the right to trial by jury.

Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.



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Know your enemy

Published Monday, November 22, 2010 @ 9:26 AM EST
Nov 22 2010

If you're plugged into Twitter, be certain to follow Agent Smith of the TSA for the latest news from the field. (Thanks to "J").

Some recent observations from Agent Smith:

You could abolish the TSA, but then we'd just get jobs at the IRS.

The official TSA response to crying babies is dingos.

Don't think we don't see what you are doing. It won't work. We've put down larger revolts with only fire hoses and badgers.

What are we looking for when we scan you? Pride. It's prohibited past the security gate.

Your freedom is in our hands. Literally.

We opt-out of listening to you whine.

Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

Our job isn't finished until nobody is flying.

If the Constitution was meant to apply to us, you'd think it'd say "TSA" somewhere in it.

Don't worry if a TSA agent says he's undressing you with his eyes. It's part of his training.

We've found it effective to yell loudly at passengers in German.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely...and we're completely okay with that.

Some passenger yelled at me, "Who died and made you king?!" I told her, "freedom."

Tonight we put a few backscatter scanners together and formed a Stargate.

One time we actually found a grenade. We had Creepy Karl pat her down..

Screaming "Confess Your Sins" at passengers works more often than you would think.

In a testament to our social media prowess, we've installed a TwitPic API on the backscatter scanner.

Picking out America Haters on Nation Opt-Out Day will be like picking-out hippies at Burning Man.

We're trying to get @Sn00ki to sponsor our hybrid line of full-body scanner/tanning booth.

We tried playing Barry White over the P.A. system to get people ready for freedom pats. Things just got weird.

Here's the truth: We don't enjoy patting you down, but it beats urinating on passengers to show our dominance.

TSA Advice: The best prevention for crying children on airplanes is contraceptives.

Pants on the ground isn't just a song. It's an order.

There is no credible evidence to suggest the mutations occurring after a scan weren't a pre-existing condition.

There is a fine line between security and humiliation. So we built a bridge over it.

Why do toddlers need freedom pats? They're about the size of a suitcase nuke, and one can never be too careful.

If you turn the scanner settings to "1.21 gigawatts," we've found that you can go back to 1985.

Even Black Friday can't beat the deals we find in the checked baggage screening area.

We saw Russia from Sarah Palin's backscatter scan.

We don't use the term "balls" to describe testicles. The official term is "organic terrorism repositories."

TSA Advisory: In preparation for National Opt Out day, the TSA is stockpiling canisters of tear gas, and angry badgers.

We hooked up a couple of scanners to replicate the teleport pad from StarTrek. The thing is, Agent Jim actually teleported.

Your privacy is safe with us. We have Agent Grover monitoring the scanner images, and he's legally blind.

TSA Travel Tip: For your health, please remove all metal before entering scanners. Think "tinfoil in a microwave." #tsa

Some say we touched a nerve with airline passengers. Heh, we touched more than that. Hey-ooo.

We're confident that Congress will understand our enhanced rubbing techniques. They use the same methods on interns.



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