Jeffrey Marshall "Jeff" Foxworthy (b. September 6, 1958) is an American comedian, television and radio personality and author. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)
Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not a professional any more.
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair.
You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.
Men like beer and something naked.
Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
There's no down time any more.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
It's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately.
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
If men have a smell it's usually an accident.
A free book that comes to my house full of nothing but women in their underwear? God Bless America!
You always lose expensive sunglasses and the cases that cassette tapes come in.
I still don't know how much is the appropriate amount for a urine sample. Why won't they just put a line on that cup?
Sophisticated people have retirement plans. Rednecks play the lottery.
Louisiana has, guarantee you, the best food on this planet as long as you don't ask too many questions about what you're eating.
I need some space... is half a sentence. The rest of it is 'without you in it.'
There's a whole segment of the population with a mentality that bases good times on where they can go and what they can buy.
My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got an idiot!