Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...


Anniversary


Requiem for a fictional Scotsman


Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day


A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


Da Burg Annat


I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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Saturday, January 10, 2009

Political quotes of the week

On Inauguration Day, Barack Obama is going to be riding in a brand new presidential limousine made by General Motors. Because, folks, nothing says "hope for the future" like General Motors.
-Conan O'Brien

Congress says this week they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. So The guy that made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
-Jay Leno

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Friday, January 09, 2009

Quotes of the day

Defeat doesn't finish a man- quit does. A man is not finished when he's defeated. He's finished when he quits.

Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion.

I don't think that a leader can control to any great extent his destiny. Very seldom can he step in and change the situation if the forces of history are running in another direction.

I reject the cynical view that politics is inevitably, or even usually, a dirty business.

I would have made a good Pope.

I'd like to see people, instead of spending so much time on the ethical problem, get after the problems that really affect the people of this country.

Once you get into this great stream of history, you can't get out.

Politics is like the stock market: it's a bad business for people who can't afford to lose.

Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren't for the goddamned people.

Solutions are not the answer.

Sometimes at the end of the day when I'm smiling and shaking hands, I want to kick them.

The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Samson's time.

The trouble with most conservatives is that those who have brains lack guts and those who have guts lack brains.

Voters quickly forget what a man says.

When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.

You must not give power to a man unless, above everything else, he has character. Character is the most important qualification the President of the United States can have.

Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.

-Richard M. Nixon (January 9, 1913 - April 22, 1994)

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Thursday, January 08, 2009

It's 2009, and in case you're checking...

Nope. Still no jet pack. And this doesn't count.

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Goodness, gracious...

Ray Charles, Jerry Lee Lewis and Fats Domino. Jamming. Live.
Ok. I'm awake now. Thanks.
(Thanks to Julie Stumpf)

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Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Yeah, but can he iron?

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Tuesday, January 06, 2009

How to begin a new year...

To see more pictures, click here.

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Monday, January 05, 2009

Status...

In our last episode I announced my impending marriage, which occurred without incident. Since then, I've done a number of things I'd never done before: use an AARP discount to pay for the hotel room for the wedding night; give my charming bride a ride from our room through the lobby on a luggage cart; and stroll down the Presidential inauguration route on Pennsylvania Avenue in DC.

My home PC apparently suffered some type of catastrophic failure with which I'll have to deal when I return. When I rebooted it after backing it up on New Year's Day, it couldn't locate my profile and warned me that I had lost my identity, a rather droll comment for it to make on my wedding day.

On the plus side, its brain dead status means I can't check my email, update the web sites I maintain, or engage in any non-honeymoon related activities. Which, when you think about it, isn't all that bad.

It'll be good to return home, pick up the pups from the kennel, and take up permanent residence with a Mrs. Barkes who is actually speaking to me.

Talk with yinz all later...

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Copyright © 1987-2014 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

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Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


Feral Geek


eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


It's here!

Eff and Scrute

440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!

Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable


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