Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.


network solutions made me a child pornographer!
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Anniversary


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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!


Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon


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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City


Da Burg Annat


I Have Issues


Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired


At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh


He knows if yinz is a jagoff


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Saturday, September 13, 2008

Quote of the day

I can see into the headquarters of Chase Bank from my office. So on the Sarah Palin scale, that makes me Alan Greenspan.
-Keith Olbermann

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Stunned

I've settled down enough now to head off to bed. As a birthday present, Cindy managed to score third row center seats for Wicked at the Benedum, and it was phenomenal.

I've always been mildly disappointed attending live musicals. The seats are off to the side, there are understudies in the major roles, the sound system is misadjusted, half the audience seems to have whooping cough, and the 80 piece orchestra on the cast album is represented by a tiny pit consisting of a couple guys hunched over synthesizers.

But last night was perfection. The first act ends with one of Broadway's most spectacular effects, protagonist Elphaba escaping the clutches of the Wizard's goons by levitating 25 feet above them (also see below) in a true show-stopping number.

Carmen Cusack was superb, and absolutely nailed it. Her pitch, phrasing, timing... it was the first time I've ever seen perfection. We were so close to the stage, I made eye contact with her as she sang. Thinking about it still sends a chill down my spine.

That was the best birthday present, ever. Cin, I owe you, big time.

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Signs of the Apocalypse, #756

Bill O'Reilly makes sense:

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Friday, September 12, 2008

Unspeakable

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Quote of the day

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
-J. Paul Getty

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Why doesn't anyone remember...

The importance of September 12?

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Political quotes of the week

Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: Is she ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain, is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously.
-David Letterman

[S]ince Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything... except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to.
-Conan O'Brien

Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. And they battled Republicans. Their message: vote Republican.
-Jay Leno

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Maybe they'll pay attention this time:

Unlike the original Katrina warning, the news media is reading this on-air verbatim:

HURRICANE IKE LOCAL STATEMENT
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE LAKE CHARLES LA
600 AM CDT FRI SEP 12 2008


.
.
.
.

LAZ051-TXZ215-121700-
/O.CON.KLCH.HU.W.1009.000000T0000Z-000000T0000Z/
CAMERON-JEFFERSON-
600 AM CDT FRI SEP 12 2008

JEFFERSON:
STORM SURGE WILL INCREASE VERY RAPIDLY BY NOON TODAY... CRESTING TO AROUND 20 TO 25 FEET MEAN SEA LEVEL. BATTERING WAVES ATOP THE HIGH WATER WILL CAUSE FURTHER DAMAGE.

THE STORM SURGE WILL BE SLOW TO RECEDE THROUGH SATURDAY EVENING DUE TO THE PROLONGED ONSHORE FLOW.

AT THESE WATER LEVELS...THE SEAWALL IN PORT ARTHUR WILL BE OVERTOPPED...BY ABOUT 6 FEET...CAUSING EXTENSIVE FLOODING OF THE CITY OF PORT ARTHUR.

MOST LOCATIONS SOUTH OF HIGHWAY 73 BETWEEN PORT ARTHUR AND WINNIE WILL HAVE STORM SURGE FLOODING. FLOODING WILL OCCUR ALONG HILLEBRANDT AND TAYLOR BAYOUS BETWEEN FANNETT AND LA BELLE.

ALL ROADS IN SABINE PASS WILL BE FLOODED. HIGHWAY 73/87 BETWEEN PORT ARTHUR AND BRIDGE CITY WILL BE FLOODED AS WELL.

LIFE THREATENING FLOOD INUNDATION IS LIKELY! ALL NEIGHBORHOODS... AND POSSIBLY ENTIRE COASTAL COMMUNITIES... WILL BE INUNDATED DURING THE PERIOD OF PEAK STORM TIDE. PERSONS NOT HEEDING EVACUATION ORDERS IN SINGLE FAMILY ONE OR TWO STORY HOMES MAY FACE CERTAIN DEATH. MANY RESIDENCES OF AVERAGE CONSTRUCTION DIRECTLY ON THE COAST WILL BE DESTROYED. WIDESPREAD AND DEVASTATING PERSONAL PROPERTY DAMAGE IS LIKELY ELSEWHERE. VEHICLES LEFT BEHIND WILL LIKELY BE SWEPT AWAY. NUMEROUS ROADS WILL BE SWAMPED...SOME MAY BE WASHED AWAY BY THE WATER. ENTIRE FLOOD PRONE COASTAL COMMUNITIES WILL BE CUTOFF. WATER LEVELS MAY EXCEED 9 FEET FOR MORE THAN A MILE INLAND. COASTAL RESIDENTS IN MULTI-STORY FACILITIES RISK BEING CUTOFF. CONDITIONS WILL BE WORSENED BY BATTERING WAVES CLOSER TO THE COAST. SUCH WAVES WILL EXACERBATE PROPERTY DAMAGE...WITH MASSIVE DESTRUCTION OF HOMES...INCLUDING THOSE OF BLOCK CONSTRUCTION. DAMAGE FROM BEACH EROSION COULD TAKE YEARS TO REPAIR.

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Capmaign button of the day

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Swell. So what's the solution, Einsteins?

Bed sharing 'drains men's brains'

Sharing a bed with someone could temporarily reduce your brain power- at least if you are a man- Austrian scientists suggest.

When men spend the night with a bed mate their sleep is disturbed, whether they make love or not, and this impairs their mental ability the next day.

The lack of sleep also increases a man's stress hormone levels.

(So does being chastised for not going to bed, Wolfgang. The whole story here.)

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So if you care to find me...

...look to the western sky...

Or, more precisely, to The Benedum. My moon goddess is taking me to see Wicked this evening.

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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Setting the record straight...

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

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Quotes of the day

I'm sorry, but voting for a presidential candidate because you like the choice for vice president is like getting married to a woman because you like her cat.

Any significantly advanced parody is indistinguishable from reality.

Aside from production values, the only difference between an Al Qaeda terrorist tape and the 700 Club is that Al Qaeda doesn't ask for contributions.

Assuming the arrival of a flight-suited President Bush on the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln in a jet fighter indicates a new policy-- using modes of transportation and dress appropriate to the destination venue-- one can only hope the next time he addresses Congress he'll be pointed down Pennsylvania Avenue and shot out of a cannon while dressed as a clown.

Every Sunday I give thanks that there's nothing in Leviticus about liking show tunes.

Filing for bankruptcy is sort of like winning the lotto, except you still have to search under the couch cushions for loose change.

I don't need electronic devices to locate my cats. I have hairballs.

I never throw anything away, which is irrelevant because I can never remember where I put anything.

I'm in pretty good shape for someone in the shape I'm in.

I'm never going to be rich and influential. I took an oath only to use my powers for good.

I've started referring to the second Gulf War as Desert Storm 2.0, since it reminds me of a Microsoft upgrade: it's expensive, most people don't want it, and it doesn't work. (in 2003)

If Windows was a person, it'd be a real pale kid with pink eyes and a banjo.

In software design, "building a foundation for future development" frequently turns into digging a bottomless pit.

It's a delusion of grandeur only if you can't pull it off.

It's called "sodomy" because it's easier to pronounce than "gomorrahry."

Just keep in mind that most men who chat with you on the Internet look like me.

Life is a recursive plunge.

Manhattan's a mosh pit. You jump into it in the morning, close your eyes, grit your teeth, and hope you're still breathing when it tosses you out at the end of the day.

Now medical experts are saying that it's not coffee, booze or cigarettes that cause heart attacks, but sustained hostile emotional attitudes. Maybe we have hostile emotional attitudes because you made us give up the freaking coffee, booze and cigarettes, you clueless, white-frocked cretins!

People who burn the flag are exercising their Constitutional rights. Congressman who take money from special interest groups are abusing theirs.

The advantage to putting things off until the last minute is that then they only take a minute to do.

Perceptions change. I mean, in the 80s, we liked Michael Jackson.

Presbyterians believe they're predestined to have free will.

Republicans are sore losers even when they win.

Saying Windows Vista is the most powerful and secure operating system in the Microsoft family is like saying Moe was the smart Stooge.

Some days those bridge abutments at the side of the road look pretty damned attractive.

The conservatives' preoccupation with the burning of American flags can be attributed to the amount of time they spend wrapped in them.

The difference between investing in Internet stock and Beanie Babies is that with Internet stock you don't get Beanie Babies. (in 1997)

The Internet is run by a guy named Heisenberg, and his principles are uncertain.

The laserdisc was the 8-track of the 90s.

The only good thing about turning fifty is that I no longer have to worry about dying young.

The problem with lawyers is that they don't believe in divine intervention.

The realization that your existence isn't going to change the course of western civilization makes sleeping in a lot more enjoyable.

There is no "I" in team. There is, however, a "U" in "sucker."

We're supposed to prepare for a non-specific terrorist attack of a spectacular nature? What the hell does that mean? Why don't they just put Tom Ridge in a Jedi robe, push him out in front of the cameras, and have him declare he senses a disturbance in The Force? (in 2002)

What I really need is a reality-altering substance.

When people ask why my wife divorced me, I tell them I accidentally backed over one of her flying monkeys.

Why are the sizes of unnatural growths described in terms of sports equipment for men, and citrus fruits for women?

Never install version 1 of anything; read/new resets your mail count to 0; never use /NOCRC on backups; and remember, UICs are octal.

-Kevin G. Barkes (b. September 11, 1954)

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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Quote of the day

Sarah Palin [should be reminded] that Jesus Christ was a community organizer and Pontius Pilate was a governor.
Kenneth DeGraff

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Sarah Palin IS Ann-Margret in "Kitten With a Whip!"

She is Ann-Margret in "Kitten with a Whip." (Laughter.) She is fabulous, okay? And it raises the question, where has she been? The Republican Party has been craving somebody new and fresh and dynamic.
Monica Crowley on The McLaughlin Group, comparing Sarah Palin to Ann-Margret's character in an incredibly bad 1964 film:

"[Ann-Margret's character], 17, escapes from a juvenile facility after knifing a matron. Hopping a freight, pursued by cops, she gets away. Desperate, she stumbles upon the lavish home of John Forsythe, a senator wannabe, off on a business trip and whose wife is currently away with their child, rethinking their marriage."
-Internet Movie Database

"Everything's so creamy!"
-Jody Dvorak (Ann-Marget) in Kitten With A Whip, (1964)

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Hadron Collider online----

And everything's just ducky...

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At last!

A professional comedian is in the running!

ST. PAUL, Minn. (AP) - Comedian Al Franken grabbed the Democratic nomination Tuesday for U.S. Senate in Minnesota, setting up a showdown with Republican Sen. Norm Coleman.

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Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Contextually challenged

The bishop attended my church's 50th anniversary celebration this past Sunday, but it wasn't what I had imagined.

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Hint, hint...


Official Sarah Palin Action Figure!

My birthday's Thursday. Just saying.

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Monday, September 08, 2008

She who lives by video coverage...

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Nasty little paraphrase of the week...

What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom?

You can spay a pit bull.

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Sunday, September 07, 2008

New Rules

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Copyright © 1987-2017 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...

commentwear


Crystal Methodist


Laugh while you can, monkey-boy


I am a professional. Do not try this at home.


I canna change the laws of physics


As a matter of fact, I *am* the boss of you.
(as a matter of fact, i AM the boss of you.)


Truly great madness cannot be achieved without signficant intelligence


I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Left wing liberal nut job


Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.


Eff the ineffable, scrute the inscrutable.


If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.


If evolution is just a theory, why am I surrounded by monkeys?


Nutrition makes me puke


Feral Geek


eat wisely


Dyslexics have more fnu!


It's here!

Eff and Scrute

440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!

Eff the Ineffable, Scrute the Inscrutable


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