A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
A rotisserie is a morbid Ferris Wheel for chickens.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
An escalator cannot break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here... oh, wait it's at home... in the file... under 'D', for doughnut.".
I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate.
I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
I got a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say 'I'm hungry,' so it died.
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
I like refried beans. That's why I want to try fried beans. Maybe they're just as good and we're wasting time.
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.
I love my Fed-Ex guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it. And he's always on time.
I order the club sandwich all the time, and I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
I play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, 'Dude, you have to wait.'.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.
I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... But on the day the rubber was supposed to show up, a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said @quot;F*ck it, cut em up!@quot;.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
I was at a convenience store reading a magazine. The clerk said, 'This is not a library.' I said, 'Ok, I will talk louder then.'.
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that and got a tan instead.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, 'I hear music,' as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.
I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I'm not very good at golf. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what 'Soup From Now On' is.
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
If you can't sleep, count sheep. If you count endangered animals, you will run out.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, people are scared.
Juan's gone.
Is he a magician?
No.
Well, let's go print up some flyers.
Juan's gone.
Is he a magician?
No.
Well, let's go print up some flyers.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger.
Rice is great when you're hungry and want two thousand of something.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as the wall.
This shirt is 'dry-clean only'... which means it's dirty.
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
You can't please all the people all the time. And yesterday, all those people were at my show.
Found 41 occurence(s) in 52,551 quotation(s).
Categories: Quotes of the day
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contributed by Rafal Sulejman.
