A child is a gift that parents give to themselves, forever expecting the child to be grateful.
A family is a group of people who keep confusing you with someone you were as a kid.
A political party is like any other conspiracy- the people it conspires against think they are part of it.
After much thought on the subject, I've concluded that life is a ploy to distract our attention, but probably not from anything important.
All I ask of anyone who would judge my sins is that they consider the sins I was capable of.
Always review a plan to make sure you have not assumed that anyone will use more brains than they have.
An important corollary to the Golden Rule is to leave others be as you would have them leave you be.
An old dog, even more than an old spouse, always feels like doing what you feel like doing.
As a general guideline, never marry anyone that you can't picture helping you go to the bathroom.
As for my own religion and politics, I continue to look for a religion that will accept me as a heretic and a political party that will accept me as a dissenter.
As important as shared memories is the silent agreement that certain things never happened.
As reported in Genesis, the Creator surveyed His handiwork and saw that everything was good, not great, which confirms my own observations.
At first they stop consulting you without consulting you. Then they notify you you will no longer be notified.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, not forgetting to leave others be as you would have them leave you be.
Dogs are special; it is a special friend who dispels your loneliness and leaves your solitude intact.
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
Eventually all the things you acquire by dishonesty are gone, and you are left with only your dishonesty.
Eventually every reward is earned and every punishment deserved. It's just a question of living long enough.
Eventually people come to understand you, and you wonder why you ever thought that would improve things.
Eventually you realize that the reason God didn't always answer your prayers is that He was answering your mom's prayers.
Eventually you realize that your mom knows exactly who you are and has been trying to break it to you gently all your life.
Ever wonder what would happen if this time you smiled back?
Every family has arguments that scare the dog. The danger is when they alarm the cat.
For every childhood question there's a preposterous answer that you weren't actually supposed to believe forever.
Given a final request, I would ask my loved ones to skip the first four stages of grief and go right to acceptance.
God is not only all-knowing but all-not-telling.
I believe in cause and effect, although not necessarily in that order.
I do not dispute that God speaks to you, but I am dubious that He speaks to you for the purpose of relaying instructions to me.
I don't deny reality, but I don't exactly go looking for it, either.
I don't know how the world will end, but I suspect it will be with the highest corporate profits ever recorded.
I would rather be mortal and know that death is inescapable than be immortal and know that life is inescapable.
I'm not against any life style, unless you insist I adopt it. I'm not against any religion, unless you insist I believe it.
I've lived enough of my life story to know this- Fate writes the book, but you make the movie.
If I had my life to live over, I would have fewer meetings and more rendezvous.
If only regret had action's purpose. If only action had regret's information.
If there's one thing people of tolerance might usefully borrow from people of prejudice, it is their religious zeal.
If winning were everything, wouldn't your obituary say whether you won or lost?
If you can't forgive and forget, pick one.
If you never eat a ripe banana until you finish the overripe ones, you will spend your life eating overripe bananas.
In a society that so celebrates winners, evil need not appear to be good- it need only appear to be winning.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a raise.
It is always those who have already won the game who believe that it should now have rules.
It is best, at times, to do nothing and explain it by saying nothing.
It is not unreasonable to have faith in that which is necessary for your happiness.
It would be good to have a second life, especially if you spend your first life planning for it.
It's curious how many Americans who claim to know the mind of the Creator don't know where He put France.
It's not that I favor dogs over people. I favor whoever comes running when I whistle.
Just as important as having a list of priorities is every once in a while starting from the bottom.
Know thyself, especially thyself after a couple of drinks.
Learn to hold your tongue, and you will be fluent in every language and on all topics.
Life is a grand party where you never meet the host and have to leave when others are just arriving.
Love is that rare attraction to someone that can survive getting to know them.
Most people would rather defend to the death your right to say it than listen to it.
No matter what you accomplish in life, your friends will chalk it up to luck and your relatives to the grace of God.
No two people are alike, but you take three or more and they're pretty much the same.
Nothing brings people together like having the same deck stacked against them.
One difference between a person and a dog is that when you earn a dog's love, you get it.
One difference between democracy and tyranny is that tyranny when challenged does not suspend its principles.
One of life's curious puzzles is how two people can travel the same road to different places.
One of life's mysteries is how people who never listen can be so misinformed.
One of the great logical puzzles is how a woman is always like her mother but never like her sister.
One reason for hope, I suppose, is that of the Seven Deadly Sins, only two- Envy and Greed- have organized politically.
One thing you can learn from your dog is when to go lie under the dining room table and await developments.
One thing you learn in a long marriage is not to assume someone is dead just because they're unresponsive.
One thing you need never fear in a democracy is ignorance without representation.
One thing you really want to hold on to in life is the capacity to be appalled.
People are defined by the hardships they have endured or the hardships they have been spared, and you can always tell which.
People aren't ignoring you. They are busy with their lives, and the way to stop feeling ignored is to get busy with yours.
Perhaps God gives us a physical body so that every time we change our mind, we won't be someone else.
Perhaps I can't handle the truth, but I still like to be the one who decides.
Reject the evidence of your eyes long enough, and your eyes just give up and start seeing what you want them to.
Society is forever trying to convince us that there are obligations we agreed to when we volunteered to be born.
Sometimes in life you have an appointment with destiny, and sometimes you just have to get destiny to squeeze you in.
Sometimes it's worth getting lost to see who will come looking for us.
Sometimes the best way to forgive is to let the other person forget.
Sometimes we give up our dream to accept a larger role in someone else's dream.
Sometimes you believe a thing that isn't true because in the world you wish to live in, it would be true.
Sorrow differs from happiness in that it is recognizable while in progress.
The best solution seldom requires that someone be right and someone else be wrong.
The closest we ever get to knowing someone completely is not knowing them at all.
The great temptation is to go nowhere because you know the way, to do nothing because you know how.
The most important thing to know about yourself is where you usually leave your car keys.
The problem with a severe delusional state is that it attracts followers.
The saddest thing in a relationship is to try to make it last by never letting it begin.
The trick to succeeding is to stop thinking that there's a trick to everything.
The trouble with getting up in the morning is that it's hard to rescue a day that begins with such a basic mistake.
The trouble with politicians debating each other is that there isn't any subject that's any of their business.
There are several ways to become an expert, self-appointment being the most common.
There are things I don't believe for the simple reason that there are already enough people who believe them.
There are times when two people need to put on the brave face they show to the world and show it to each other.
There is a difference between denying reality and avoiding it whenever possible.
There is a final stage in civilized society where everything is offensive, but it doesn't offend anybody.
There is an entire branch of psychology specializing in children who will not join the common madness.
There is basically just one marriage vow, and that is to be the person somebody thought they married.
There is no tomorrow. There is only a planet turning on its axis, and a creature given to optimistic fancies.
There's nothing like someone saying, 'You're smarter than that' to make you wonder what other unfounded rumors might be circulating about you.
To be constantly thinking of what you're going to say next is not listening.
To be sane is to know the parts of your mind you cannot enter with any hope of returning.
Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.
Today, befriend a stranger, or if you feel up to more of a challenge, befriend a loved one.
Until you confess your sins publicly, you have no idea how much people don't care.
Usually the woman has an appointment with destiny, and the man just happens to be there.
Usually when the obstacles in your path can't be overcome, it's not your path.
We are nostalgic, I think, not for old times but for old dreams.
We learn by doing, and what we usually learn is not to do it again.
We pretend so that we might be loved, then complain that we are not loved for who we are.
What a unique treasure are the things we have learned to live without, for no thief can take them from us.
What do you say about a creature who, seeing a lion in the jungle, concludes that he, not the lion, is the one made in the image of God.
What we seek in the end is not unconditional love but a love for which we, uniquely in all the world, meet all the conditions.
What you discover about people you try not to offend is that you can offend them without trying.
When I think of the loyalty of pets, I picture Adam and Eve leaving paradise followed by their dog.
Worse than telling a lie is spending your whole life staying true to a lie.
Yes, I accept reality, but that does not imply endorsement.
You can avoid most of life's sorrows, at the cost of avoiding all of its happiness.
You can be sure that someone who disparages others in your presence disparages you in their presence.
You can break up a marriage and still be friends, but don't try it with a friendship.
You can reach an age, I've discovered, when even your sub-conscious has no desires.
You can wait for a miracle, but it is usually a better strategy to meet it halfway.
You can't postpone sorrow, so why would you postpone happiness?
You cannot owe loyalty to someone to whom you owe nothing else.
You cannot talk sense to people who oppose it on principle.
You know something's wrong with the system when you have to beg for justice as if it were mercy.
You know you have found love when you can't find your way back.
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