Don't buy the toys that make the noise!
Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of ten and you're a Hall of Famer.
How many whales do we really need? I figure five. One for each ocean.
I believe in prescription drugs. I believe in feeling better.
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.
I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.
I would have to commit a crime and have cops chase me. That would be the only way to get me to jog five miles.
I'm no day at the beach. And if it is a beach, it's Hampton Beach. Ever been there? It's not nice.
If you had no enemies, you had no fun.
If you want a long-term relationship that doesn't require a lot of work, I say, get a dog. They love you no matter what. But when it comes to humans, there's no secret; you really have to appreciate the person every single day.
If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now.
Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then- one day- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then- one day- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.
My goal is to leave this planet with the biggest carbon footprint I can possibly leave.
My only worry about tweeting and modern technology is how it has crept into even the darkest corners of the absolute global village we live in.
No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about.
Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.
Racism isn't born, folks. It's taught. I have a two-year-old son. Know what he hates? Naps. End of list.
The only difference between kids and jungle animals is pants. Kids wear them. Jungle animals don't.
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.
Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?
You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.
Found 23 occurence(s) in 52,783 quotation(s).
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