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Oversleeping edition

Published Tuesday, May 19, 2020 @ 12:03 PM EDT
May 19 2020

We're very late today because I overslept. It happens, especially these days. Back to normal tomorrow.

Because most of our readers spend a lot of time waching cable news, here's a handy translation guide for:

Tabloid Translations:.
According to published reports: We got scooped.
Activist: Will talk to press.
All American: White kid caught in criminal act.
Allegedly: He did it but we can't prove it.
Beautiful: a woman who's been savagely murdered.
Beloved: Someone who's been around so long no one can stand them any more.
Blond: see "beautiful".
Brutally raped: raped.
Celebrity: He has a publicist.
Choked up: Definitely could have been crying.
Confirmed bachelor: see "Flamboyant".
Conflagration: what was a fire in the first paragraph, a blaze in the second and an inferno in the third.
Controversial: He did something bad but we're not sure what.
Couldn't be reached for comment: the reporter didn't call until after 5 p.m.
Dapper: Hasn't bought new clothes in 20 years.
Diminutive: under 5 feet tall.
Dogged by character issue: He screwed a floozy.
Effervescent: She won't shut up.
Elite: see prestigious.
Embattled: He should quit.
Entrepreneur: Hasn't made it yet, but we're doing a nice story about him.
Exclusive neighborhood/school/club: the reporter can't get in.
Exclusive: No one else returned the flack's calls.
Family Values: right wing idiot.
Feisty: Short, old female.
First in the modern history of: no Nexis entries.
Flamboyant: Homosexual.
Full-figured: tits out to here.
Gang: a group of white kids.
Gentleman bandit: he wore shoes instead of sneakers.
Good Samaritan: Too stupid to run away.
Guru: see "Self-styled".
Heiress: "Socialite," but able to hire a pricey divorce lawyer.
Hero cop: He got killed.
Hero firefighter: He put out a fire.
High-brow: boring.
Highly placed source: one who would talk.
Honor student: Dead kid registered for classes somewhere.
Hot button issue: only editors care about it.
Informed source: Reads the newspaper.
Innocent by-stander: Too slow to run away.
Intensely private: Not promoting anything right now.
Investigating: waiting for someone to drop a dime.
Knowledgable observer: The reporter.
Knowledgable observers: The reporter and the person at the next desk.
Legendary: about to die.
Long-time companion: they had sex.
Mean streets: slums.
Mega-mogul: Has made it, and is in process of losing it.
Moderate: fence straddler.
Modest, well-kept home: at least the cockroaches are dead.
Mogul: Has made it, and we're doing a hatchet job.
Never: no clips.
Outspoken: Rude man.
Petite: emaciated.
Plucky: someone who is very, very young, very, very old, or very, very short who is ambulatory.
Police task force: cops who were working on no-publicity cases yesterday.
Political Action Committee contribution: bribe.
Prestigious: has indoor plumbing.
Progressive: left wing idiot.
Rarely interviewed: Promoting something right now.
Recently: We lost the press release.
Reportedly: we stole this bit of information.
Savagely murdered: murdered.
Scandal-plagued: Guilty.
Scrappy: a runt.
Screen Legend: Reporter is too young to remember his movies.
Self-styled: Phony.
Sexy: better looking than reporter's mate.
Shapely: face like a mud fence.
Shocking revelation: leaked on a slow news day.
Socialite: woman without job who lives between 57th and 86th street, west of Lex and east of Fifth.
Source who spoke on condition of anonymity: flack.
Statuesque: Tits out even further.
Street-wise: Hasn't been hit by a bus so far.
Strident: Rude woman.
Stunned: couldn't give a decent quote.
Supermodel: her picture was printed somewhere.
Superstar: He has a publicist and an agent.
Tearful: Could have been crying.
Teen idol: Reporter is too old to have heard of him.
Temblor: Reporter has a thesaurus.
Tony neighborhood: has no McDonald's.
Towing industry expose: editor got a parking ticket.
Troubled youth: He lit something on fire.
Unclear, uncertain, unknown at press time: no one will tell us.
Venerable: Should be dead but isn't.
War-torn: We can't find it on a map.
Weeping: Tear spotted in one eye.
Wolf pack: a group of black kids.
Zaftig: fat.
"with News wire services": no original reporting whatsoever - we just changed the lede.



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