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Quotes of the day: John Fugelsang

Published Wednesday, September 02, 2015 @ 9:44 AM EDT
Sep 02 2015

John Joseph Fugelsang (b. September 3, 1969) is an American actor, television personality and comedian. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)


Black Friday- when we buy material possessions to give on the birthday of a guy who renounced material possessions.

Blaming Obama for the recession is like blaming your hangover on the guy making breakfast.

Gay Marriage isn't Special Rights, it's Equal Rights. 'Special Rights' are for political churches that don't pay taxes.

I derive pleasure from the suffering of people who don't know what schadenfreude means.

I view Jesus the way I view Elvis- I love the guy, but a lot of the fan clubs really freak me out.

I'd like to remind right-wing Christians that not only does God endorse multiculturalism, He seems to have invented it.

I'll sign on for results-based pay for teachers the day Congress gets the same deal.

In America, promiscuous means anybody getting more than you.

Jesus never called the poor 'lazy,' fought for tax cuts for the wealthiest Nazarenes or asked a leper for a copay.

Jesus was a peaceful, radical, non-violent revolutionary, hung around with lepers, hookers, and criminals, never spoke English, wasn't an American citizen, was anti-capitalism, anti-wealth, anti- public prayer- yes, he was, see Matthew 6:5- one hundred percent against the dealth penalty but never anti-guy, never mentioned abortion, never mentioned pre-marital once, and was a long-haired, brown-skinned- it's in Revelations- homeless, middle Eastern Jew. But's that's only if you believe what's actually in the Bible.

'Liberal' is just another way of saying 'prematurely mainstream.'

'Libertarian' is the Latin term for 'Embarrassed Republican.'

Loving the Second Amendment while opposing the NRA is every bit as natural as loving Jesus while opposing Westboro Baptist Church.

My mother was an ex-nun, and my father was a Franciscan brother, so I grew up believing in Jesus the way anyone would believe in Mom's first husband.

Obama is not a brown-skinned anti-war socialist who gives away free healthcare. You're thinking of Jesus.

Only in America can you be pro-death penalty, pro-war, pro-unmanned drone bombs, pro-nuclear weapons, pro-guns, pro-torture, pro-land mines, and still call yourself 'pro-life.'

Our greatest domestic threat is not foreign terrorists but local morons.

People get God and religion confused. I think God is a bit too hip to join any of his unauthorized fan clubs.

Rich people pay Fox people to make middle-class people blame poor people.

We actually don't have slavery any more. We outsource it to China.

We live in a country where voting rights get gutted but Sharknado gets a sequel.

Welcome to America, where you don't need photo ID to buy an election, just to vote in one.

What the Internet has done is let us know how many millions of Americans can afford a computer, but haven't yet mastered that tricky 'your- you're' thing.

When God said be fruitful and multiply, there were two people. There are now seven billion. Mission accomplished.

You call it depression, I call it home base.

You spend one hour in the right WalMart and you'll stop believing in Darwin, too.

You want to believe? That's great. You want to be an atheist? That's great. Just don't be a dick.


(September 3 is also the birthday of Dixy Lee Ray and Sarah Orne Jewett.)

Categories: John Fugelsang, Quotes of the day


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