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Quotes of the day: Emo Philips

Published Friday, February 06, 2015 @ 11:41 PM EST
Feb 06 2015

Emo Philips (b. February 7, 1956) is an American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians and garden path sentences spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I think of my body as a temple... or at least as a relatively well- run Presbyterian youth center.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, 'If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference.'

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Three things that make me laugh: my sister's nipples. One's tiny. I haven't named the other two.

Well, my brother says hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.


(February 7 is also the birthday of Frederick Douglass, Charles Dickens, Alfred Adler, and Sinclair Lewis)

Categories: Emo Philips, Quotes of the day


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