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Quotes of the day: Bill Maher

Published Tuesday, January 20, 2015 @ 12:03 AM EST
Jan 20 2015

William "Bill" Maher, Jr. (b. January 20, 1956) is an American stand-up comedian, television host, political commentator, writer, producer, and actor. Before his role as the host of HBO's Real Time with Bill Maher, Maher hosted a similar late-night talk show called Politically Incorrect, originally on Comedy Central and later on ABC. Real Time has been renewed for its 13th season. (Click here for full Wikipedia article)


America is the only country in the world that's still in the business of making bombs that can end the world and TV shows that make it seem like a good idea.

Be a freethinker. One reason our politics is so screwed up is because everyone has become so tribal. As you go down the path of life, ask what's true, not who else believes it.

Being a bastard isn't a lifestyle choice; it's something you're born with, like musical talent or an undescended testicle.

Everything is a slippery slope... the world is a luge.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Gays are the only people left who want to get married.

Having a computer is like having a small, silicon version of Gary Busey on your desk. You never know what's going to happen.

Hollywood, where the stars are in the sidewalk and the dirt is in the sky.

I don't understand cocaine. If you want to be nervous and edgy, go to work.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

If you believe in Judgment Day, I have to seriously question your judgment.

I'm tired of every Republican politician being a medical supergenius on vaginas. I want to hear gynecologists talk about the national debt.

In America, there is no idea so patently absurd that it can't catch on.

It always bugs me when people win awards and thank God. God could give a rat's ass if you win an MTV award.

It takes a village is just a saying. Us other villagers are busy.

It's hard not to be condescending when you're talking to an idiot.

Jews can't eat ham. Jehovah's Witnesses can't buy Girl Scout cookies. The Amish can't drive cars. Catholics can't masturbate. Scientologists can't go to therapy. Baptists can't dance. Sikhs can't shave. And Lord knows, Muslims can't take a joke.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Love means having to say you're sorry every five damn minutes.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

No politician is perfect. But in every election in your life, there will be one choice that is better than the others. Go out and vote for that one.

Politics is about compromises... really stupid compromises.

Steven Hawking once said, the thing about smart people is they seem to be crazy people to dumb people. Don't be afraid to be a crazy person.

Suicide is our way of saying to God, 'You can't fire me. I quit.'

The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.

The problem with the free market today is that it's not free, or much of a market.

There's a beautiful, progressive Canadian-European country here in America. It's just surrounded by rednecks.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is the Bill of Responsibilities.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

When homophobia trumps terrorism as an issue... wow. This country needs to get laid.

Categories: Bill Maher, Quotes of the day


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