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Cleaning off the desktop
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Published Sunday, April 13, 2014 @ 6:33 PM EDT
Apr 13 2014


"Maybe once, in clown college..."

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'I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached."
–David Letterman

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It was so weird to see the anniversary of the Civil Rights Act and realize that fifty years ago Congress accomplished something.
-Andy Borowitz

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As an only child, I didn't feel in the least excluded by last week's "Siblings Day."

By the way, I'm off tomorrow in observance of "My Parents Realized They Couldn't Improve Upon Perfection Day."

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The difference between your gun and your vote is someone is actually coming for your vote.
-@LOLGOP

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I'm thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth.
-Stephen Colbert

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Random observations:

If I were Piers Morgan, I'd find that plane just to spite CNN.
-@LOLGOP

When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?
-@BillMurray

You're supposed to get old WITH someone, not BECAUSE of them.
-Carrie Fisher

Balloons are so weird, it's like, happy birthday here’s a plastic sack of my breath.
-@ChevyChase

Newly-released FBI documents allege Al Sharpton was a mob informant. He must have joined MSNBC as part of the Witness Protection Program.
-Stephen Colbert

Standardized tests get an update: reading comprehension will now be limited to 140 characters.
-Stephen Colbert

N. and S. Korea are trading fire at this moment. I go to CNN. Some guy is talking about the battery in the black box. STOP IT.
-@AlbertBrooks

REMINDER: The leaders of the least productive House of Representatives in recorded history think you're lazy.
-@LOLGOP

The largest number in the universe is the number of separate wads of cotton that can be removed from a torn stuffed animal by a dog.
-@MerrillMarkoe

What the Internet has done is let us know how many millions of Americans can afford a computer, but haven't yet mastered that tricky "your-you're" thing.
-John Fugelsang

You spend one hour in the right WalMart and you'll stop believing in Darwin, too.
-John Fugelsang

Our greatest domestic threat is not foreign terrorists but local morons.
-John Fugelsang

When God said be fruitful and multiply, there were two people. There are now seven billion. Mission accomplished.
-John Fugelsang

We actually don't have slavery any more. We outsource it to China.
-John Fugelsang

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And... the desktop is clean.
-KGB


Categories: Cleaning off the desktop


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