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Quotes of the day: David Sedaris

Published Thursday, December 26, 2013 @ 3:46 AM EST
Dec 26 2013

David Raymond Sedaris (b. December 26, 1956) is an American Grammy Award-nominated humorist, comedian, author, and radio contributor. He was publicly recognized in 1992 when National Public Radio broadcast his essay "SantaLand Diaries." He published his first collection of essays and short stories, Barrel Fever, in 1994. His next five essay collections, Naked (1997), Holidays on Ice (1997), Me Talk Pretty One Day (2000), Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim (2004), and When You Are Engulfed in Flames (2008), became New York Times Best Sellers. In 2010, he released a collection of stories, Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary. In 2013, Sedaris released his latest collection of essays, Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls.

By 2008 his books had sold seven million copies. Much of Sedaris' humor is autobiographical and self-deprecating, and often concerns his family life, his middle-class upbringing in the suburbs of Raleigh, North Carolina, Greek heritage, jobs, education, drug use, obsessive behaviors and his life in France, London, and the English South Downs.

(Click here for full Wikipedia article)

A bow tie announces to the world that you can no longer get an erection.

A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of the these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

All of us are left to choose our own quality of life and take pleasure where we find it with the understanding that like Mom used to say. 'Sooner or later, something’s going to get you.'

All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I’m afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.

He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.

I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

I knew my fear was getting the best of me when I started wondering why they don’t sell cuts of meat in vending machines.

If you aren’t cute, you may as well be clever.

If you read somebody's diary, you get what you deserve.

In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.

It is funny the things that run through your mind when you’re sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.

It’s a pretty grim world when I can’t even feel superior to a toddler.

It’s safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won’t be able to smoke anywhere in America.

I’d tried to straighten him out, but there’s only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

She is, like most of my friends, a terrible judge of character.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

The real voice of reason sounds like Bea Arthur.

There is still the outside world to contend with. A world of backfiring cars, and their human equivalents.

Think ahead, and plan accordingly, especially in regard to your vices.

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well-made cocktail.

Weird doors open. People fall into things.

Categories: David Sedaris, Quotes of the day


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