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More about mom

Published Friday, May 10, 2013 @ 9:57 PM EDT
May 10 2013

In the previous post, we searched the database for "mother" but we forgot about deal old Mom:

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.
-P.J. O'Rourke

Four words every mom dreads hearing: "You're under arrest, Mom."
-John Alejandro King (The Covert Comic)

I thought of becoming born again, but mom refused.

I wonder if a plastic surgeon's mom ever yells at him to stop making faces.
-Olivia Ramsey

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
-Paula Poundstone

Never let Mom comb your hair when she's been arguing with Dad.

Never play cards with a man named Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
-Nelson Algren

Nobody loves me but my mama, and she could be jivin' too.
-B.B. King

Yo mama is so fat, when she sings, it's over.

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.

Whoever said "Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting" obviously never licked one.
-John Alejandro King (The Covert Comic)

Categories: Mothers, Quotes on a topic


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M is for the massive guilt trip she's gonna put on you if you forget...

Published Friday, May 10, 2013 @ 8:05 AM EDT
May 10 2013

Today marks the 105th anniversary of the first observance of Mother's Day, which is a subtle way to remind you that you have just two days to get a card, and the most of the good ones are already gone. That's okay, don't worry about it. I'm just a bit disappointed in you.


A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A grandmother will put a sweater on you when she is cold, feed you when she is hungry, and put you to bed when she is tired.
-Erma Bombeck

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.
-Dorothy Canfield Fisher

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.
-Washington Irving

A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.
-Peter de Vries

All mothers are working mothers.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his.
-Oscar Wilde

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. (Spanish Proverb)

Anything that makes your mother cry is fun.
-P.J. O'Rourke

Being a mother is a noble status, right? So why does it change when you put "unwed" or "welfare" in front of it?
-Florynce Kennedy

Being a mother is an attitude, not a biological relation.
-Robert A. Heinlein

Consult a real expert: call your mother.

Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
-Robert A. Heinlein

Every mother is like Moses. She does not enter the promised land. She prepares a world she will not see.
-Pope Paul VI

Few misfortunes can befall a boy which bring worse consequences than to have a really affectionate mother.
-W. Somerset Maugham

God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once. Then he invented guilt, because mothers couldn't be everywhere at once.

I don't always enjoy being a mother. At those times my husband and I hop up somewhere in the wine country, eat, drink, make mad love and pretend we were born sterile and raised poodles.
-Dorothy DeBolt

I have always admired the Esquimaux. One fine day a delicious meal is cooked for dear old mother, and then she goes walking away over the ice, and doesn't come back.
-Agatha Christie

I would have gone home to my mother, but I'm not that crazy about my mother.

If nothing is going well, call your grandmother.

Just about the time a woman thinks her job is done, she becomes a grandmother.
-Edward H. Dreschnack

Mother is a verb, not a noun.
-Shonda Rhimes

Mother told me a couple of years ago, "Sweetheart, settle down and marry a rich man." I said, "Mom, I am a rich man."

Motherhood is the strangest thing, it can be like being one's own Trojan horse.
-Rebecca West

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
-John F. Kennedy

Mothers are all slightly insane.
-J.D. Salinger

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young. (T- shirt)

My grandmother gave me five dollars and said, "Don't tell your mother." I told her, "It's going to cost you more than that."
-Steven Wright

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneris

My grandmother wanted me to have an education, so she kept me out of school.
-Margaret Mead

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.
-Rita Rudner

My grandmother was insane. She had pierced hearing aids.
-Steven Wright

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.
-Richard Jeni

My mother wanted us to understand that the tragedies of your life one day have to potential to be the comic stories the next.
-Nora Ephron

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
-Buddy Hackett

My mother's obsession with the good scissors always scared me a bit. It implied that somewhere in the house there lurked: the evil scissors.
-Tony Martin

No man is responsible for his father. That is entirely his mother's affair.
-Margaret Turnbull

Sometimes you need a B-2 bomber and sometimes you need your mother.
-P.J. O'Rourke

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.
-Honore de Balzac

The key to living a moral life is this: Do nothing in private that you would be ashamed to discuss openly with your mother.
-J.P. Morgan

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-Calvin Trillin

The only thing that seems eternal and natural in motherhood is ambivalence.
-Jane Lazarre

The proliferation of support groups suggests to me that too many Americans are growing up in homes that do not contain a grandmother.
-Florence King

Things get very lonely in Washington sometimes. The real voice of the great people of America sometimes sounds faint, and sometimes sounds distant in that strange city. You hear politics until you wish that both parties were smothered in their own gas.
-Woodrow Wilson

This is the reason why mothers are more devoted to their children than fathers: it is that they suffer more in giving them birth and are more certain that they are their own.

To reform a man, you must begin with his grandmother.
-Victor Hugo

Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not.
-James Joyce

When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.
-Erma Bombeck

Wise children always choose a mother who was a shocking flirt in her maiden days, and so had several offers before she accepted their fortunate papa.
-James M. Barrie

Women who miscalculate are called "mothers."
-Abigail Van Buren

You never get over being a child, long as you have a mother to go to.
-Sarah Orne Jewett

Your mother knows how to push your buttons because she installed them.

Categories: Mothers, Quotes on a topic


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