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Observations of the week
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Published Saturday, January 19, 2013 @ 12:00 AM EST
Jan 19 2013

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns."
-Jay Leno

I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, "You need a mint."
-Bill Maher

It's reported that if you're playing Angry Birds, the company is tracking your location. This may seem silly to you, but it's actually how we got bin Laden.
-Conan O'Brien

An American worker was arrested for paying someone in China to do his job for him. The man is being called lazy, irresponsible, and three years ahead of his time.
-Conan O'Brien

The difference between George W. Bush and Lance Armstrong is that Bush never took anything that was performance enhancing.
-@LOLGOP

President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady’s home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans."
-Jimmy Fallon

Manti Te'o's at Notre Dame! Imagine, going to a college named after Virgin Mary and being in love with a nonexistent dead lady.
-Bill Maher

As a Jew, it's hard to mock Manti Te'o considering what we do for Elijah.
-Jensen Karp

Wal-Mart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Wal-Mart is going to invade Costco.
-Conan O'Brien

Rumor: Tiffany's to make imaginary rings.
-@AlbertBrooks

Daniel Day-Lewis won a Golden Globe for playing Abraham Lincoln and Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. The foreign press realized that the greatest challenge for an actor in Hollywood is pretending to be a Republican."
-Jay Leno

Fox News inauguration coverage will just be live video feed with Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" playing on a loop.
-@pourmecoffee

I went to see Zero Dark Thirty, and the first 45 minutes are torture. Same as The Hobbit.
-Bill Maher

The drive on 95 shows how the Confederate capital could be 90 miles from DC, yet not fall to Union forces for four years.
-@askpang

Next year, Tour de France moving to unicycles.
-@SteveMartin

Between the great things we cannot do, and the little things we will not do, lie the medium-sized things we do do.
-The Covert Comic

Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the health care system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport.
-Jimmy Fallon

I'm not saying a gun fetish is exactly a penis fetish but both are far more likely to be fired on one's self than another person.
-@LOLGOP

President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States.
-Conan O'Brien

During Jodie Foster's emotional [Golden Globes] speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, "I'm going to need a raise."
-Conan O'Brien

Between Lance Armstrong admitting that he was doping and Jodie Foster coming out as a lesbian, it's been a tough week for the clueless.
-Bill Maher

This country is the most entertained and the least informed.
-Rula Jebreal


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