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Quotes of the day, birthday edition

Published Tuesday, September 11, 2012 @ 12:00 AM EDT
Sep 11 2012

Any significantly advanced parody is indistinguishable from reality.

Every Sunday I give thanks that there's nothing in Leviticus about liking show tunes.

Filing for bankruptcy is sort of like winning the lotto, except you still have to search under the couch cushions for loose change.

Hitting the delete key and changing the channel are satisfying but ineffective methods of denying reality.

I never throw anything away, which is irrelevant because I can never remember where I put anything.

I'm in pretty good shape for someone in the shape I'm in.

I'm never going to be rich and influential. I took an oath only to use my powers for good.

I'm sorry, but voting for a presidential candidate because you like the choice for vice president is like getting married to a woman because you like her cat.

I've come to the realization that gray is the mature form of blond.

I referred to the second Gulf War as Desert Storm 2.0, since it reminded me of a Microsoft upgrade: it was expensive, most people didn't want it, and it didn't work.

If Windows was a person, it'd be a real pale kid with pink eyes and a banjo.

It's a delusion of grandeur only if you can't pull it off.

It's amazing the number of persons intimidated by mere competence.

It's called “sodomy” because it's easier to pronounce than “gomorrahry.”

Just keep in mind that most men who chat with you on the Internet look like me.

Life is a recursive plunge.

Manhattan's a mosh pit. You jump into it in the morning, close your eyes, grit your teeth, and hope you're still breathing when it tosses you back out at the end of the day.

No problem is unsolvable, but there are some that just aren't worth the effort.

Now medical experts are saying that it's not coffee, booze or cigarettes that cause heart attacks, but sustained hostile emotional attitudes. Maybe we have hostile emotional attitudes because you made us give up the freaking coffee, booze and cigarettes, you clueless, white-frocked cretins!

Presbyterians believe they're predestined to have free will.

Republicans are sore losers even when they win.

Saying Windows 8 is the most powerful and secure operating system in the Microsoft family is like saying Moe was the smart Stooge.

Some days those bridge abutments at the side of the road look pretty damned attractive.

The conservatives' preoccupation with the burning of American flags can be attributed to the amount of time they spend wrapped in them.

The difference between investing in Internet stock and Beanie Babies is that with Internet stock you don't get Beanie Babies.

The Internet is run by a guy named Heisenberg, and his principles are uncertain.

The laserdisc was the 8-track of the 90s.

The only good thing about being over fifty is that I no longer worry about dying young.

The problem learning something new at my age is the nagging suspicion it's actually just something I forgot.

The problem with lawyers is that they don't believe in divine intervention.

The realization that your existence isn't going to change the course of western civilization makes sleeping in a lot more enjoyable.

There is no “I” in team. There is, however, a “U” in sucker.

What I really need is a reality-altering substance.

-Kevin G. Barkes (b. September 11, 1954)

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