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Political jokes of the week
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Published Saturday, July 30, 2011 @ 1:54 AM EDT
Jul 30 2011

I'm not saying this Congress is bad at its job. I'm just saying that this Congress is equivalent to a skunk with its head stuck in a jar of Skippy peanut butter.
–Jon Stewart

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Recent late-night political jokes, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on About.com.

President Obama may have to cancel his 50th birthday party because of the debt limit crisis. The Republicans won't even let Obama raise his age.
-Conan O'Brien

This debt crisis still isn't solved, but yesterday, the White House said it's working on a 'Plan B.' Unfortunately, the B stands for 'bake sale.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?
-Jay Leno

The government is one week away from running out of money to pay its bills. So basically, our nation has become Nicholas Cage.
–Conan O'Brien

Iowa Congressman Steve King says that if the country falls into default, President Obama could be impeached. Obama could stop that with three words: President Joe Biden.
–Jay Leno

Speaking of the debt crisis, I read that if the U.S. debt were stacked in $100 bills, it would be as long as two football fields and as high as the statue of liberty. You know, just in case $14 trillion didn't seem like a lot to you.
-Jimmy Fallon

NASA held a career fair this week to help former employees find new jobs now that the shuttle program is over. Which explains that guy at the drive-thru that was like, 'One small fry for man, one giant Coke for his Big Mac.'
-Jimmy Fallon

Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There you have it. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are now more mature than President Obama and John Boehner.
-Jimmy Fallon

John Boehner told Republicans to 'get in line.' He was very angry. His face turned from orange to mandarin orange.
-Jimmy Kimmel

They say that the United States might default on its loans and China might foreclose. We'll have to move into a cheap rental country or something.
-Jimmy Kimmel

Sarah Palin said that if a deal isn't reached by August 2, nothing will happen. Do you hear that, award-winning economists?
-Jimmy Kimmel

The government is less than a week away from not being able to pay its bills. We may have to move in with Canada for a while.
-Conan O'Brien

George W. Bush will give his first interview about the killing of Osama bin Laden next month on cable TV. It's expected to be the highest-rated episode ever of 'Cake Boss.'
-Conan O'Brien

We are over $14 trillion in debt, but the 'feels like' is $20 trillion.
-David Letterman

We're under a heat dome, and meteorologists believe it's due to Michele Bachmann's hair spray.
-David Letterman

Jeb Bush is toying with the idea of running for president. Well, I'm toying with the idea of drinking again.
-David Letterman

The number one movie in the country is "Captain America." Analysts say this movie is successful because it takes place in the 40's and has a retro feel. The film takes audiences back to a time where America could actually fight a war and get out of a depression at the same time.
-Jay Leno

A record 46 percent of Americans think Congress is 'corrupt.' The other 54 percent think Congress is 'extremely corrupt.'
-Jay Leno

According to a new poll, President Obama is losing support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it is, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
-Jay Leno

Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy.
-Jay Leno

Manchester United is the most valuable sports franchise in the world. A few years ago, it was the target of a takeover by Captain Evil himself: Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch was going to buy Manchester United for less than he usually pays for a prime minister.
-Craig Ferguson

I had no idea that life for conservatives was so difficult in this country. Tell me a little bit, if you would, about the bad people holding your kind back.
-Jon Stewart

[Video overlay] Sean Hannity saying liberals are "so vicious, so mean, and so cruel, and I don't hear this coming from conservatives about liberals." Jon Stewart: "You don't? That is, if I may say, some of the most free-range, organically grown disingenuous, ideologically marinated, un-self-awareness I've ever seen in the wild."

Is it so wrong we want pundits vetted? I want to get my news from news people, not random people with an AOL account.
-Jon Stewart on Twitter pundits


Categories: Daily Show, Jon Stewart


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