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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,537 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, September 05, 2009
posted by KGB at 12:41 AM (permalink)

Classic video of the day

 

Happy 80th birthday, Bob Newhart.

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Friday, September 04, 2009
posted by KGB at 1:57 AM (permalink)

Why I've always liked Debra Winger...

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Thursday, September 03, 2009
posted by KGB at 12:41 AM (permalink)

Finally...

 

A version of this video that makes sense.

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Wednesday, September 02, 2009
posted by KGB at 9:32 AM (permalink)

Photo of the day

Pick one:

A. Chinese ATM machine

B. Eminiar VII disintegration booth from the remastered
Star Trek episode "A Taste of Armageddon."

C. The "Kevorkatron"

D. The "Obamatron" (according to Fox News).

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Tuesday, September 01, 2009
posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day

A sobering thought: what if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential?

Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed.

For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

If evolution was worth its salt, it should've evolved something better than "survival of the fittest." I think a better idea would be "survival of the wittiest." At least, that way, creatures that didn't survive could've died laughing.

If I'd known what it would be like to have it all, I might have been willing to settle for less.

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Remember, we're all in this alone.

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

Thank God kids never mean well.

The best mind-altering drug is truth.

The fifties was the most sexually frustrated decades ever: ten years of foreplay. And the Sixties, well, the Sixties was like coitus interruptus. The only thing we didn't pull out of was Vietnam.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Truth is, I've always been selling out. The difference is that in the past, I looked like I had integrity because there were no buyers.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

-Lily Tomlin (b. 9/1/1939)

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Monday, August 31, 2009
posted by KGB at 3:09 AM (permalink)

Medley of the day

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Sunday, August 30, 2009
posted by KGB at 12:27 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day

America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky.

I think oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling ever has been, and if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal.

If there is a hell, it is modeled after junior high.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes.

The last person to get across [Boston] in under three hours was yelling, "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

What does the word "meteorologist" mean in English? It means "liar."

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

-Lewis Black

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posted by KGB at 12:23 AM (permalink)

Special quote of the day

August 30 is the birthday of Cameron Diaz and my wife Cindy. Which explains why I always get them confused.
-KGB

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Copyright © 1987-2025 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...