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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  51,847 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, July 19, 2008
posted by KGB at 10:21 AM (permalink)

Political quote of the week

John McCain's economic adviser, former Sen. Phil Gramm, is under fire for calling Americans a bunch of whiners. He also said the country is in a mental recession. Apparently we're experiencing a mental slowdown. Kind of like President Bush.
-Jay Leno

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posted by KGB at 8:02 AM (permalink)

Cartoon of the week

(by Kim Warp in The Funny Times)

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Friday, July 18, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
-Red Skelton (July 18, 1913 - September 17, 1997)

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Thursday, July 17, 2008
posted by KGB at 7:26 AM (permalink)

No hairballs, at least...

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all human efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music.

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers live as if they did.

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Programming truism of the day

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
-Brian Kernighan

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008
posted by KGB at 11:30 AM (permalink)

Technology marches on #612

The DEC VAX Webcam (circa 1988)

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posted by KGB at 9:20 AM (permalink)

Political entertainment of the day

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Gasoline price-related headline of the day

Gee, things are really bad when you can't afford the gas to use your car for a drive-by...

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Tuesday, July 15, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:01 PM (permalink)

Failure to communicate, #822

Fort Myers Approach:
"Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading."

Cessna:
"Ah, we're headin' for Tampa."

Fort Myers Approach:
"Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading."

Cessna:
"Well, okay. We're headin' for the LaBelle VOR first and then going on to Tampa."

Fort Myers Approach:
"Cessna Three Four Alpha, could you look at your compass and tell me what number is behind the little line?"

Cessna:
"Oh- you want to know which way we're going right now. Three five zero, sir."

(from AvWeb)

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Birthday clip of the day

Alex Karras
(b. July 15, 1935)

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Monday, July 14, 2008
posted by KGB at 3:08 PM (permalink)

Mash-ups of the day

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posted by KGB at 5:51 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day

Accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to a lady, except that a newspaper can always print a retraction.

America is a country that can choke on a gnat, or swallow tigers.

Campaigning for governor, there have been a couple of times when I yearned for the serenity I knew as a Marine Corps tank commander in Korea.

Do not... regard the critics as questionable patriots. What were Washington and Jefferson and Adams but profound critics of the colonial status quo?

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular.

Saskatchewan is much like Texas- except it's more friendly to the United States.

Some people approach every problem with an open mouth.

The idea that you can merchandise candidates for high office like breakfast cereal is the ultimate indignity to the democratic process.

There is nothing more horrifying than stupidity in action.

There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.

Those who corrupt the public mind are just as evil as those who steal from the public purse.

To strike freedom of the mind with the fist of patriotism is an old an ugly subtlety.

We have confused the free with the free and easy.

We inherited freedom. We seem unaware that freedom has to be remade and re-earned in each generation of man.

We must never delude ourselves into thinking that physical power is a substitute for moral power, which is the true sign of national greatness.

What a man knows at fifty which he didn't know at twenty is, for the most part, incommunicable.

Adlai Ewing Stevenson II (February 5, 1900 - July 14, 1965)

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Sunday, July 13, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

I'm a bit of a wet blanket when it comes to the whole business of space travel. As I get older my unease at the time and the money that has to be spent on projects putting human beings back to the moon, and on to another planet, is so enormous. And it would take up so many resources, which I personally feel should be directed at our own planet. Humankind has just not simply become sufficiently evolved to now leave this planet, take itself out to space and began establishing more of us out there. I would like to see us get this place right first before we have the arrogance to put significantly flawed civilizations out onto other planets- even though they may be utterly uninhabited.
-Patrick Stewart (b. July 13, 1940)

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...