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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,042 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, February 02, 2008
posted by KGB at 7:34 AM (permalink)

Happy Birthday, Beanie Baby

Jellybean Louise becomes a teenager today, at least according to the calendar. Depending upon the the various human/canine age equivalency calculators, she's somewhere between 81.1 and 91 human years old.

She's greyer and lumpier than she was a year ago, but who isn't?

The tumor is much larger, but she doesn't seem to notice. She barks at the puppies when they get too noisy, dumps a toy in my lap when she wants to play, and somehow manages to climb into the back seat when it's time to go to the park for a walk.

But rising and lying down are becoming an effort. And more often I observe her staring intently at something only she sees. Her breathing quickens, then slows; she relaxes, lies down, closes her eyes and smiles contentedly.

No, not yet. There are still puppies to shepherd, grandchildren to guard, and, frankly, I don't think she believes the fat guy with the beard will be able to make it through a day without her. So she'll hang in there a bit longer.

Will you walk beside me one last time?
Will you lick my cheek and look into my eyes?
It is time for us to depart and to tarry no more.

Let us walk slowly,
under a night sky filled with stars
and if you tire I will carry you through the night
before you leave me here standing alone against the world.

Knowing full well our time
here on earth is fleeting and short,
let me say I have loved with a passion sweet and pure
before you tear my heart from my soul as you leave.

Let me dream awhile longer,
before the harsh reality of life takes over
and I must walk alone in a world without you by my side,
softly place a kiss in my palm to keep me forever safe from harm.

Fight hard my friend,
try to stay here with me,
for I love you greatly still,
but when your will falters, and the pain becomes too great,
I will release you from a long ago promise to never leave
and will bid you a fond, but tearful farewell.

Brenda "Rion" Sewell

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posted by KGB at 7:26 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
-from Engineers Explained

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Friday, February 01, 2008
posted by KGB at 6:30 AM (permalink)

Video of the day

Why Montel Williams' talk show was just canceled:

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posted by KGB at 5:56 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day, birthday edition

I guess I'm just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation's laws.

I loathe writing. On the other hand I'm a great believer in money.

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

Philadelphia, a metropolis sometimes known as the City of Brotherly Love, but more accurately as the City of Bleak November Afternoons.

The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he's given the freedom to starve anywhere.

Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.

The main obligation is to amuse yourself.

-S.J. Perelman, 2/1/1904-10/17/1979

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posted by KGB at 5:41 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

The statement "Think outside the box" does not constitute permission to leave it.
-The Covert Comic

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Thursday, January 31, 2008
posted by KGB at 6:57 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day, birthday edition:

America is a hurricane, and the only people who do not hear the sound are those fortunate if incredibly stupid and smug White Protestants who live in the center, in the serene eye of the big wind.

I always start a book for money. If you've been married five times, you have to.

Masculinity is not something given to you, but something you gain. And you gain it by winning small battles with honor.

Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists.

The true religion of America has always been America.

You don't know a woman until you've met her in court.

Norman Mailer, 1/31/1923-11/10/2007

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Wednesday, January 30, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:03 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

I was married to a simian, knuckle-draggin', cousin-lovin', dog-sellin', trailer-dwellin' brainless amoeba on the booger farm of the bayou. I know that sounds really hateful, but I assure you he doesn't understand hyphenated references. My Rabelaisian wit was all but lost on him.
-Brett Butler (1/30/1958-)

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Tuesday, January 29, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:36 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Right now, there is a whole, an entire generation that never knew anything that didn't come out of this tube! This tube is the gospel, the ultimate revelation; this tube can make or break presidents, popes, prime ministers; this tube is the most awesome goddamn propaganda force in the whole godless world, and woe is us if it ever falls into the hands of the wrong people.
(spoken by Peter Finch as Howard Beale in the motion picture Network, written by Paddy Chaefsky, 1/29/1923-8/1/1981)

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posted by KGB at 12:08 AM (permalink)

Misadventures in Headline Writing, #512

It was originally amusing.

Then I clicked on the link and discovered the article is from the Christian Science Monitor. Sigh.

I flashed back 40 years to my high school days and my church's youth group meetings. The intense sessions that preceded the arrival of our assistant minister/youth leader, in which we tried to determine who should tell him it would be best if he not refer to his evenings alone with his semi-feral house cat as "spending the night with a wild pussy."

(Via my son Doug, a writer/editor in his own right, helping to maintain a family heritage.)

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Monday, January 28, 2008
posted by KGB at 2:33 AM (permalink)

I sense a disturbance in The Force...

Swell. Yet another doomish website to visit every day...

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posted by KGB at 1:01 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
-Stephen Leacock

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posted by KGB at 12:35 AM (permalink)

Bumper sticker of the day

January 20, 2009:
The End of an Error

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...