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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,045 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Friday, June 22, 2007
posted by KGB at 3:13 AM (permalink)

Cartoon of the week

Well, yes, it's a routine procedure- if you routinely
have someone slice open your body with sharp
instruments and then fiddle with your insides.

(Robert Mankoff, published in the June 25, 2007
edition of The New Yorker)

I may be a candidate for a laparoscopic cholecystectomy. Lots of people have them, and I probably will have to at some point, but I'm asymptomatic again. The only "real" surgery I've had under general anesthesia was a tonsillectomy at age 5. I'm almost 53 and still have a perfect body... and I'd like to keep it that way for a while.

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Thursday, June 21, 2007
posted by KGB at 8:03 AM (permalink)

Don't you guys know we save this stuff?

The question in my mind is how many additional American casualties is Saddam worth? And the answer is not very damned many.
-Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney
speaking to the Discovery Institute after the first Gulf War (8/14/1992)

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posted by KGB at 7:55 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day, birthday edition

Jean-Paul Sartre (June 21, 1905 - April 15, 1980)

Anyone, at any time, may equally find himself victim or executioner.

Hell is other people.

Only the guy who isn't rowing has time to rock the boat.

The attentive pupil who wishes to be attentive, his eyes riveted on the teacher, his ears open wide, so exhausts himself in playing the attentive role that he ends up by no longer hearing anything.

The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it.

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

If you begin by saying, Thou shalt not lie, there is no longer any possibility of political action.

Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth.

Three a.m. is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

When the rich make war it's the poor that die.

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It was the day after Jean-Paul Sartre died.
(Woody Allen recalling under oath the day in 1980 he first met Mia Farrow)

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posted by KGB at 5:13 AM (permalink)

Here's the problem...

See the lady and man and their dogs? They frequently go to South Park and feed the deer bread and apples and other munchies. See the deer? She came bounding out of the woods when she heard the nice couple approach, and the presence of a horde of nearby dogwalkers left her unfazed.

This is why you'll soon have to lock your car doors in South Park, to prevent deer from rummaging through your glove compartment.

Fortunately, these are indigenous deer, not the dog-attacking ruffians obviously imported from South Jersey.

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posted by KGB at 3:47 AM (permalink)

"Hilarious" T-Shirt of the Day

Ok, a couple of things:

1. The design is not "hilarious." It's depressing.

2. If I were on a jury judging a person accused of killing someone wearing this shirt, I'd be quite open to a justifiable homicide defense.

3. ™? ™?? You're saying the phrase "Life is crap" is your trademarked property? See you in court, pally. There are about four billion people on this planet with prior claims.

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Wednesday, June 20, 2007
posted by KGB at 8:05 AM (permalink)

Smoking gun: why you can't find a decent programming job.

A Pittsburgh-based law firm holds a seminar explaining how to hire cheap H-1B visa workers from overseas while appearing to meet the letter of the law.

"Our goal is clearly not to find a qualified and interested U.S. worker.."

"In the video, a person identified as Lawrence Lebowitz, an attorney at Cohen & Gribsby, explains a method that can be used for hiring foreign workers under the U.S. government's Program Electronic Review Management process. PERM stipulates requirements for placing help-wanted ads to fill job vacancies, with the intent of either hiring U.S. workers or showing that no qualified Americans are available."

(From ComputerWorld)

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posted by KGB at 6:23 AM (permalink)

Thanks, I'll stick with diet and exercise

From the website of the makers of the new over-the-counter diet drug Alli:

Needless to say, other diet pill makers had something to say about this:

(To their credit, the networks refused to air the ad.)

By the way, when did side effects become "treatment effects?" Side effects depend upon how a drug is used: for example, if you use Benadryl for your allergies, the side effect is sleepiness; if you use it as a sleep aid, the side effect is nasal dryness. If intestinal incontinence is your goal, I'd go with plain ol' citrate of magnesia.

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posted by KGB at 6:12 AM (permalink)

Set your Tivo

7 p.m. "Gattaca"
Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman live in a cold, superficial society where achievement and opportunity are based on looks and genetic purity. But that's just Hollywood. They're also in this movie about a frightening authoritarian future. (1997)

8 p.m. "Carrie"
A young girl suffers an awkward moment at her high school prom. (1976)

(The Marin Independent Journal)

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posted by KGB at 4:15 AM (permalink)

Nightmare photo of the day

(From ICanHasCheezburger.com)

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Tuesday, June 19, 2007
posted by KGB at 10:43 AM (permalink)

Fake news item of the day

TIGER MISSES PUTT,
LOSES OPEN,
BLAMES MAYOR

"It was that damn kid again," a distraught Woods explained.,
"He followed me to every hole, and he wouldn't shut up.
'I love you, Tiger!' 'I'm your number one fan, Tiger!'
'Tell everyone you invited me to that American Express event,
Tiger!' If I ever see him again, I'm gonna put a ball in his
hole, I promise you that."

(from The Carbolic Smoke Ball)

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Monday, June 18, 2007
posted by KGB at 8:17 AM (permalink)

Hmm... this is interesting...

It may be gone by the time you click here, but it appears someone posted Michael Moore's new movie, Sicko -the entire film- to Google Video.

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posted by KGB at 8:11 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day, birthday edition

Paul McCartney is 65 today. Sigh.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird.
Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

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Sunday, June 17, 2007
posted by KGB at 6:59 AM (permalink)

Postcard of the day

More Fathers Day secrets at PostSecret.

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...