Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.
network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...
Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
dcl dialogue online!
no. we're not that kgb.
The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!
"No religious Test shall ever be required as a
Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the
Article VI, U.S. Constitution
Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000
Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000
"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"
Our riveting and morally compelling...
One of 51,796 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Photo of the day
(From The Humor Archives)
Friday, April 13, 2007
Quote of the day
Am I the only guy in this country who's fed up with what's happening? Where the hell is our outrage? We should be screaming bloody murder. We've got a gang of clueless bozos steering our ship of state right over a cliff, we've got corporate gangsters stealing us blind, and we can't even clean up after a hurricane much less build a hybrid car. But instead of getting mad, everyone sits around and nods their heads when the politicians say, "Stay the course." Stay the course? You've got to be kidding. This is America, not the damned Titanic. I'll give you a sound bite: Throw the bums out! You might think I'm getting senile, that I've gone off my rocker, and maybe I have. But someone has to speak up. I hardly recognize this country anymore. The President of the United States is given a free pass to ignore the Constitution, tap our phones, and lead us to war on a pack of lies. Congress responds to record deficits by passing a huge tax cut for the wealthy (thanks, but I don't need it). The most famous business leaders are not the innovators but the guys in handcuffs. While we're fiddling in Iraq, the Middle East is burning and nobody seems to know what to do. And the press is waving pom-poms instead of asking hard questions. That's not the promise of America my parents and yours traveled across the ocean for.
-Lee Iacocca, "Where Have All The Leaders Gone?"
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Headline of the day
Police at Atlanta Airport Uncover Rash of Public Sex Acts
Hmm... "rash" is the accepted noun of multitude that should accompany "sex acts?"
Well, I guess it is a bit less jarring than a "chancre" or "pustule" of them.
MSNBC canned Don Imus' show yesterday, accompanied by a pretentious statement that "What matters to us most is that the men and women of NBC Universal have confidence in the values we have set for this company."
Oh, please. Have they looked at their prime time lineup lately? Do they ever listen to Leno's Tonight Show monologues?
As I noted yesterday, the bottom line is the bottom line. MSNBC took no action until advertisers started fleeing.
And I also think Imus had become a bit too powerful and too influential. His gaffe provided those in management an opportunity to take him down a peg.
He'll be back, a bit beaten but certainly much wiser; especially since he now knows who his friends truly are.
[Art is] a conspiracy between clever parasites and millionaires to make poor people feel stupid.
A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.
Alcohol and marijuana, if used in moderation, plus loud, usually low-class music, make stress and boredom infinitely more bearable.
All time in all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all bugs in amber.
Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.
Before you kill somebody, make absolutely sure he isn't well connected.
Big, undreamed-of things. The people on the edge see them first.
I can think of no more stirring symbol of man's humanity to man than a fire engine.
If you really want to hurt your parents and you don't have nerve enough to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts.
We are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is.
One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.
Suicide is the punctuation mark at the end of many artistic careers.
Take care of the people, and God almighty will take care of Himself.
The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers.
There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president.
There is no reason why good cannot triumph as often as evil. The triumph of anything is a matter of organization. If there are such things as angels, I hope that they are organized along the lines of the Mafia
True terror is waking up one morning and realizing your high school class is running the country.
We are here on earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you differently.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.
We're terrible animals. I think that the Earth's immune system is trying to get rid of us, as well it should.
The only difference between [George W.] Bush and [Adolf] Hitler is that Hitler was elected.
The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart.
Beer, of course, is actually a depressant. But poor people will never stop hoping otherwise.
Just because some of us can read and write and do a little math, that doesn't mean we deserve to conquer the Universe.
A great swindle of our time is the assumption that science has made religion obsolete. All science has damaged is the story of Adam and Eve and the story of Jonah and the Whale. Everything else holds up pretty well, particularly lessons about fairness and gentleness. People who find those lessons irrelevant in the twentieth century are simply using science as an excuse for greed and harshness. Science has nothing to do with it, friends.
Belief is nearly the whole of the Universe, whether based on truth or not.
My last words? "Life is no way to treat an animal, not even a mouse."
My personal favorite, to which I agree and subscribe:
If I should ever die, God forbid, let this be my epitaph:
THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED
FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
So it goes.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Freedom of speech...
Members of CafePress are certainly reaping a bonanza over the Imus flack.
Whether he stays on the air will ultimately be determined by whether his sponsors stick with him. Constitutional issues might be in play here, but the bottom line is: the bottom line.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Pots and Kettles
Zay N. Smith, in his column in today's Chicago Sun-Times, observes:
The Rev. Jesse Jackson leads protesters in Chicago demanding "no forgiveness" and the firing of radio personality Don Imus for joking about the Rutgers women's basketball team as "rough girls" and "nappy-headed hos."
Considering the location of the Imus studio, it might have been more effective if Jackson had led the protest in... in... what is the nickname Jackson gave New York City?
That would be "Hymietown," Zay. It took a moment to recall it; after all, he apologized sincerely and his racist comment was forgiven and forgotten.
Unattributed quote of the day
If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put them all there?
(Posted by "Phyllis Staines" on the alt.quotations Usenet newsgroup.)
Monday, April 09, 2007
Birthday-related quotes of the day
Base eight is just like base ten, really... if you're missing two fingers.
I feel that if a person can't communicate the very least he can do is to shut up.
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another and I know there are people in the world that do not love their fellow human beings and I hate people like that!
If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.
In my youth... there were certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl; now you can say them, but you can't say "girl."
On my income tax 1040 it says "Check this box if you are blind." I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.
Once all the Germans were warlike and mean
But that couldn't happen again.
We taught them a lesson in nineteen eighteen
And they've hardly bothered us since then.
MLF Lullaby (1964)
Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
Quote of the day
Here's what I've learned: that you can't make fun of everybody, because some people don't deserve it.
It was beginning to look a lot like... Easter?
Even Beanie seemed confused by the snow shower that accompanied our after-church walk yesterday. I may use the bottom photo of my house on my holiday cards next year, especially since I just noticed I forgot to take the Christmas candles out of the upstairs windows.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
From granddaughter Leanna and Puppy.
Copyright © 1987-2017 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
The email@example.com e-mail address is now something other than firstname.lastname@example.org saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used email@example.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that firstname.lastname@example.org was no longer email@example.com but rather firstname.lastname@example.org which is longer than email@example.com and more letters to type than firstname.lastname@example.org and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than email@example.com but actually just as functional as firstname.lastname@example.org? I sent e-mails from the email@example.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used firstname.lastname@example.org in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the email@example.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which firstname.lastname@example.org was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for email@example.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that firstname.lastname@example.org no longer is the email@example.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. firstname.lastname@example.org. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...
440 pages, over 11,000 quotations!
get kgb krap!