KGB
Report
ONLINE ISSN:
1525-898X
PRINT ISSN:
1525-9366
August 30, 1999
A Curmudgeon's
Look at Business and Technology,
Featuring the Stuff You Really Need To Know
Published
by Kevin G. Barkes | 1512 Annette Avenue | Library, PA 15129-9735-125
Voice: 412.854.2550 |
Fax: 412.854.4707 | e-mail: kgbarkes@gmail.com | www: http://www.kgbreport.com
Copyright ã1999-2013 by Kevin G. Barkes
Written by Kevin G. Barkes
KGB Report is also available in Adobe Portable Document Format.
If you'd prefer an e-mailed .pdf to the US Mail delivered copy, send
your request to kgbarkes@gmail.com.
A somewhat abridged version of this issue is available online at
http://www.kgbreport.com/currentkgbrep.shtml
Internet web site syndication by http://www.isyndicate.com/
What Are They Thinking,
Part I? The Wall Street Journal reports BP Amoco
will introduce new gas pumps early next year that have built-in Internet web
browsers and are run by Microsoft Windows CE. Aside from the questionable
advisability of permitting a Microsoft operating system to control the
dispensing of hundreds of thousands of gallons of potentially explosive liquid,
does the gasoline pump/web browser combo actually represent a true synergistic
combination? Most persons I know want to get in to and out of a gasoline
station ASAP. And if I own a station, the last thing I want is some yahoo tying
up a pump so he can check his e-mail or his stock prices.
What Are They Thinking,
Part II? Antitrust provisions of the BP Amoco merger
forced the new company to divest a lot of stations. Here in the South Hills of
Pittsburgh, virtually all of the local Amocos turned into Union 76s overnight.
I've been using Amoco gasoline for almost 30 years and the disappearance of the
brand was really disturbing. The fact that Union 76 is the official fuel of
NASCAR racing is not particularly impressive- I rarely drive in circles at 200
miles per hour. Resigned to my fate, I headed to the nearest BP, where I was
told they don't accept Amoco credit cards. Well, at least next year I'll be
able to send the chairman of BP Amoco a nasty email from one of his fancy new
pumps before I head off to the Sunoco down the road. Someone ought to remind
these bozos they're in business to sell gasoline, not Internet service.
Survive Y2K? How About
Surviving Until Y2K? At least we know what
the Y2K problem is and when it will arrive. Unfortunately, unexpected crises
that emphasize the infrastructure's fragility whack our technology dependent
society almost daily. Some recent events that blindsided us:
Big Dunked Apple:
Three inches of rain in two hours, a broken water main and the resultant flash
floods paralyzed highways, shut down the subway system, disrupted commuter rail
service and was responsible for a severe taxi shortage in New York City last
Thursday. Hundreds of thousands of commuters were forced to return home when it
became impossible to access the city, and the deluge wreaked havoc with airline
schedules. Things were back to normal by the end of the day, but even if you
made it to Newark, LaGuardia or JFK...
Chicago Toddles:
Some loony with a canvas bag ran past the security checkpoint at O'Hare Airport
last Thursday and disappeared into the crowd, forcing the evacuation of 6,000
passengers and their luggage from the terminal. Air traffic across the nation
was disrupted when about 130 United flights were cancelled due to the security
breach. It was the first time such an incident occurred at O'Hare; other airports
have been affected by similar occurrences. By the way, they never found the
guy. Our guess: he's sitting at a gate, waiting for a cancelled flight. His
canvas bag contains some beef jerky and a supply of potable water. Yep, a US
Airways Dividend Miles member.
I Know You Are, But
What Am I? Fuji Bank Ltd, one of
Japan's largest financial institutions, accidentally e-mailed a computer virus
to some of its global investment customers last week. Reuters said the virus
causes the recipient's computer to display a message calling the viewer a
"big stupid jerk" on the 14th of each month. Gee, I get that message
daily.
GPS Glitch:
Aside from owners of some older Garmin units, users of the orbital
satellite-based Global Positioning System in the United States had no problems when
the GPS clock rolled over on August 21. Japanese users weren't as lucky. Only
about 170,000 of the quarter million GPS systems sold in Japan since 1996 were
updated before the deadline. Japanese drivers depend on their cars' GPS-based
navigation aids because most streets in the country's major cities are unnamed.
Thousands found themselves looking at blank or frozen displays. Bear in mind
that for the most part the affected units were non-critical consumer devices.
There were no reports of problems with airlines or maritime users. This could
be a glimpse of Y2Kday: minor inconveniences, but no major catastrophes. Still,
if I find myself stuck in an elevator on 1/1/00 and, while killing time, a
fellow passenger asks my occupation, you can be certain the answer isn't going
to be "computer consultant."
They'll Never Learn:
Sloppy, lazy programmers are responsible for Y2K problems says specialist Jocelyn
Amon, and about a third of them are still creating bad code despite all the
hoopla and the fact Y2Kday is just four months away. ComputerWorld says
Amon spent six hours searching Internet web pages and was able to find over 300
Y2K-related errors. The most common excuses, that two digit years were used to
save memory or that the authors felt the code wouldn't still be in use in the
year 2000, are obviously no longer valid. Still, of the erroneous web pages
Amon identified, 37% were created or modified last year and 33% were created
this year.
Beware 9/9/99?
Expect lots of Y2K-style media hype in the coming weeks as September 9 approaches.
Legend has it some computers will keel over because ancient programmers used
nines to do all sorts of magical stuff in their software, from destroying file
systems to rolling back their calendars to 1900. Many consider the nines
problem to be a myth, but find it interesting that the International Y2K
Cooperation Center and the North American Electric Reliability Council have
scheduled major exercises for September 9. Cynics suggest the date was selected
so the nasty nines can be blamed if something goes wrong.
Small Business Apathy:
Despite concerted efforts by trade groups and government, most small businesses
are dealing with the Y2K problem by ignoring it, according to the Small
Business Administration. The general attitude of small businesspersons seems to
be that western civilization won't end if their systems aren't Y2K compliant,
and if it does, at least they didn't waste money trying to fix things in
advance.
What About Us Guys?
A perfect companion to the KGB Y2K Beanie, a Japanese company is now marketing
the Armageddon Brassiere. The undergarment contains an electronic sensor that
warns wearers of objects falling from the sky due to Y2K-related failures. The
news release did not detail the alert mechanism used. We're thinking rotating tassels.
Trivia:
Alan Fisher of CIGNA in Franklin, TN correctly answered our last question:
canola oil is actually rapeseed oil, renamed to be a bit more politically
correct. This week's question: what major city in the continental US averages
156 heating (not cooling) degree-days in August?
Quotes of the Week:
"We have a heated
battle with Palm in hand-helds, but we're winning in gas pumps and chicken
terminals."-Jonathan Roberts, Microsoft Windows CE marketing manager
"Golf is an
exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw
telephone poles at each other."-Florence King
The KGB Random Quotations Generator has over 3,250 entries and is
frequently updated. Visit it online at http://www.kgbreport.com/kgbquote.shtml, and be sure to try
the online search. Many of the quotes are also available on our Curmudgeon
Tees... check out http://www.kgbreport.com/tshirts.html.
Useless Web Sites of
the Week: http://www.midcoast.com/lobcam/
is the home of the "Lobstah Cam", located in a lobster trap at the
bottom of the Atlantic Ocean off Spruce Head, Maine. Updated every two minutes,
you can sometimes spot an antenna, leg, or other crustacean body part. The site
helpfully notes the image "will be dark at night and muddy when the ocean
is really rough."
KGB In The News. Well, to be accurate, KGB on the news. About two weeks ago I
appeared on ABC's World News Now (WNN), the network's overnight newscast
which airs locally on WTAE-TV from about 2 to 5 am Monday through Friday. WNN
is a unique show. As the Rutgers Review said, the broadcast is "possibly
the greatest program ever made that is not a Star Trek series."
They aired a tape I sent in for their Viewer Feedback segment, and since I
happened to be in New York on business, they invited me to stop by. Personable
co-anchors Juju Chang and Anderson Cooper asked me to stick around after the
tape segment, let me deliver the weather forecast, and for the rest of the show
played with the pop-up calendars I gave them. Talk about your product
placement! The WNN gang comprise a friendly and professional crew and, Rutgers
Review notwithstanding, WNN is actually better than some Star Trek series.
Not the original series or The Next Generation, but better than Voyager,
certainly. Maybe even better than Deep Space Nine. Definitely better
than the movie Shatner directed. Thanks to senior producer Sharon Newman, who
let me sit in the control room; broadcast producer Jonathan Larsen, who
extended the invitation; and Ms. Chang and Mr. Cooper, who are the primary reasons
I record the show when I'm not awake at 4 am. How many news shows are worth
saving for later viewing? When's the last time you taped Dan Rather? See what I
mean? Special thanks to the lovely hair stylist and the charming make-up artist
from Weirton, WV whose names I can't remember but whose affable conversation
and encouragement allowed a hick from Homestead, PA to weather the experience
without too much embarrassment. They even managed to conceal my Albert Brooksian
Broadcast News flop sweat. (Okay Sharon, here's your plug. And I've
destroyed all the copies of my solution to the WNN National Temperature Index. Really.
Please return my wife at your earliest possible convenience, and don't forget
to punch holes in the box.)
Shameless Self-Promotion:
Culturally enrich your employees or clients by getting them a subscription to
the weekly KGB Report; quantity
discounts are available. Items from KGB Report may be used in other
media with proper attribution. And for heavens sake, buy a t-shirt, will you?
They're Here!
As seen on ABC World News Now (sorry, couldn't resist), the KGB
Consulting Y2K Tetradecagon Pop-Up Calendar is now available! Check out our Desperate
Sideline Enterprises web page at http://www.kgbreport.com/tshirts.html,
which also features our Curmudgeon Tees, now with new lower prices.
The Official KGB Y2K BeanieÔ Now Available! Nobody knows what the dickens is really going to occur on Y2KDay, but the odds are about a million to one that anything bad will happen to you personally. You say that's not good enough, bunkie? Step right up, here's the answer to your problem! Through the miracle of modern mathematics, you can virtually eliminate the chance of any Y2K calamity visiting upon your person by purchasing and wearing The Official KGB Y2K BeanieÔ. It works by exploiting the elegant if little understood concept of statistical probability. Now here's the deal... The odds of getting personally zapped by a Y2K bug, according to various generally reputable mass media sources, are, as we previously noted, about a million to one. But the odds of getting zapped... while wearing The Official KGB Y2K BeanieÔ... are virtually incalculable! Do the math yourself! See what we mean? In order for The Official KGB Y2K BeanieÔ to maintain its statistical validity, it's necessary to restrict the seeded universe (the number we sell) to... wait a minute... carry the two... say, 100,000. At a mere 20 bucks, it's the best insurance you can buy! Each beanie is unique, hand-modified to further increase the odds against personal catastrophic happenstance! No two are alike! Beware of inferior, mass-produced Y2K Remediation HeadgearÔ... those duplicate beanies may save you a few bucks, but do you dare tamper with the delicate mathematical balance of our pristine calculations? Don't muck around with celestial mechanics, my friends! Accept only The Official KGB Y2K BeanieÔ! Plus, it'll be a great way to break the ice at that New Year's Party! The Official KGB Y2K BeanieÔ is more attractive than a lampshade, not to mention far more functional! Order The Official KGB Y2K BeanieÔ now, save your butt, beat the odds, and make a timely fashion statement!